Chapter 10 - To Make a List
A bump on the road roused Tegan from her half-sleeping state; she opened her eyes where she lay on their huge bed, and saw Sara sitting next to her, her naked back turned to Tegan as she quietly searched the twisted sheets for something. The moonlight from the window struck her shoulders and painted her pale skin a silvery colour.
"What are you doing?" Tegan asked, her voice sleepy and thick. Sara turned her head, looked over her shoulder at Tegan.
"Just. . . my shirt. . . did you throw it, like, out the window or something?" Tegan chuckled. Sara wore only underwear. Tegan's nakedness was covered with a bedsheet.
"You don't need to put on a shirt," she said softly, one hand lightly tracing over Sara's spine. "You're. . ." Tegan started and then stopped herself. Sara looked back over her shoulder, stopping her search for her t-shirt momentarily at the sound of Tegan's incomplete thought. Tegan looked at her face, shrugged, smiled a little. She'd realized just in time that she couldn't really say what she wanted to say, and the whole insane situation struck her again.
"I'm what?" Sara asked, and Tegan shook her head, smiled shyly.
"Never mind," she whispered, as Sara abandoned the search and turned around, stretching out and laying her body over Tegan's.
"No. . . tell me what you were thinking," Sara pressed her, gently, while tugging the bed sheet out from between them and then pulling it over her own back so that they lay together, skin to skin. Tegan put her arms around Sara, still with her shy grin, still unable to say it. She shook her head. "Tegan. . . a few minutes ago, your fingers were. . . and now you can't say. . .?" Sara gave her a gently wry smile. Tegan reached up and touched Sara's cheek, just above her.
"I want to kiss you," Tegan said softly.
"Then do it," Sara said, her smile not without the pang she always felt when she allowed herself to think about what she wanted. Tegan's eyes reflected that pang too, but she pulled Sara's face closer with gentle pressure on the back of her neck, and they kissed softly for a long moment. After, Sara moved her face back just a little, and they looked at each other.
"I want to kiss you. . . everywhere," Tegan whispered, warmly, her mouth an inch from Sara's. Sara took a breath, hesitated.
"You. . . already have," she breathed, and Tegan gave her a half-smile, and shook her head.
"Not everywhere. . ." Tegan corrected her with a murmur. With her arms around Sara, Tegan rolled onto her side so that they lay face to face, close together. Sara, suddenly shy, lost eye contact and instead looked at Tegan's lips, but couldn't do that either so she looked at Tegan's hand, on the bed between them, at the tree tattoo. Tegan was instantly reminded of Jamie's eyes locking onto that tree tattoo when she was too shy to meet Tegan's eyes. "I want to. . . I want. . . all of you," Tegan whispered at last, and Sara bit her lip, her fingertips tracing over the branches of Tegan's tree.
"I. . . it's not. . . I don't. . ." Sara started uncertainly, her hand still on Tegan's arm as Tegan gently tucked Sara's bangs behind her ear, waiting patiently.
"You're not. . ." Tegan started, her dark eyes on Sara's twin dark eyes, as her fingertips delicately traced over Sara's eyebrow, down her cheek. "You don't want. . ." Tegan tried to say again, but Sara shook her head.
"I do," she said. "I want. . . um. . . but I can't. . . I don't know. . . maybe not. . . yet." Tegan smiled.
"That's okay," she said.
"But. . . don't be, like. . . sometimes. . . when I'm with you I just. . . like I want. . . I just want you, um. . ." Sara's words failed her. "I mean, I'm. . ." Sara sighed, shook her head against the pillow. "You're ready for things that I'm not ready for." Tegan nodded. "You're braver than me." Those words were a whisper, and Sara's lower lip quivered a little when she spoke them, so she bit it again.
"No," Tegan said. "You just think too much." Tegan broke Sara's sad smile with a kiss that started tender and ended slow and deep, Sara's hands in Tegan's hair. They kissed again and, like always, stopped with warm, breathless reluctance.
"I don't know how to stop doing that," Sara said. "Over-thinking every fucking thing."
"I know," Tegan said.
"How do you do it?" Sara asked, without a hint of irony. Tegan shrugged a little, her eyes on Sara's fingers gently stroking those green branches again.
"I think. . . well, I do what. . . I feel and then think about it later, haha," Tegan said with a self-deprecating laugh. Sara snorted a little.
"I envy that, sometimes. It means you. . . experience things, while I like, sit in dark rooms and think about them." Tegan gave a little sad chuckle. Sara lay her hand on top of Tegan's, on the bed between them, and looked at their fingers together.
"Your hand looks just like mine," Sara mused softly and Tegan smiled.
"Yeah," Tegan said. Sara looked up to Tegan's face, from her eyes to her lips.
"But you don't. . . look like me," Sara said as though she'd just realized it. She lay her hand softly on Tegan's cheek.
"No," Tegan agreed, smiling. Sara drew her thumb across Tegan's lips, causing Tegan to draw a deep breath.
"You're. . . so. . ." Sara shook her head, at a loss.
"So are you," Tegan said, pulling her closer. She pressed her lips softly against Sara's, for a moment. "That's what I wanted to say before."
"I know," Sara said, and they kissed again.