Chapter 15 - It Only Makes Me Want to Stay
"Hey there sunshine!" Ted teased as Jamie slid into the booth across from him at the American-style tourist trap of a greasy spoon diner next to where their buses had parked for the night. "What happened to you?!"
"Hey," Jamie mumbled, not answering his question, the sleeves of her hoodie pulled over her hands, the hood pulled up over her head and then down nearly over her eyes. She propped her head up on her sleeve-covered hand and stared down at the laminated menu on the sticky plastic table.
"Oh, hey, Tegan, want to join us?" Ted called as Tegan walked by, appearing not to notice them through the huge dark glasses that covered half of her face.
"Oh, um, no... coffee, sorry..." she muttered as she turned abruptly and quickly walked back to the front counter of the restaurant, a pink flush visible on her cheeks even under her enormous sunglasses.
"Well that was weird," Ted mused, turning back to face Jamie, her eyes still hidden under her hood, "She doesn't even drink coffee."
"Mmm," Jamie murmured, not looking up. Sitting at a table and making normal conversation with either of the twins - even Tegan - was not something she felt prepared to do just yet. She had a sneaking suspicion that looking at either of them would only cause her to immediately picture their faces between each other's legs. . . or, more bewilderingly yet, her own. That kind of mental image was just extremely awkward over french toast. And at the moment, the thought of french toast made her feel a little bit sick too.
"Hey," Ted said, drawing her attention back to the present, "did something happen? I mean, I've seen Sara act that weird around you, but not Tegan."
"Mmm," Jamie replied again, still staring at the menu but not actually seeing anything on it. Her head hurt too much to think, and she couldn't even fathom where to start. Even with Ted, her confidante, she wasn't sure she wanted to give away what had happened. What kind of person is he going to think I am? If incest was wrong, as so many people thought it was, then what did that make someone who was right in the middle of it? And who had enjoyed it? Not to mention that she wasn't too sure what Tegan and Sara would think if she gave away what had happened. The time with the cupcakes had been an accident, unplanned, and she had chalked it up to drug-induced insanity. But last night had been so. . . planned. Not to mention that the time before, they had all been clothed. Mostly clothed, she thought, an image of Tegan, pantsless and unconscious next to Sara, flashing through her mind as clear as day. And the last time, she and Sara hadn't even touched at all. And this time. . .
"Jaaaaamieeeeee..." Ted drew out her name as the memory of feeling Sara's chest under her lips assaulted her brain. "Come on, tell me. Oh my god. . ." he lowered his voice to a whisper as he leaned across the table closer to her, "did you sleep with Tegan again?" The mischievous excitement in his voice was evident. Jamie hesitated.
"Sort of," she mumbled, still refusing to look up.
"Sort of?" Ted replied, amused, "How do you sort of sleep with somebody?"
"I don't know," Jamie mumbled again, images of kissing Tegan while glancing down to see Sara's head moving between Tegan's thighs flashing through her mind. Her face had begun to burn, but there was no way she was moving out from under the safety of her hood.
"Well you've slept with her before," Ted tried again, "and you guys were fine. I mean, you seemed totally comfortable around each other after that. . . actually even more comfortable than you did before that!"
"Mmm. . ." Jamie replied again, truly uncertain as to how to respond to that. She wished her head didn't hurt so much. . .
"So what's different about this time?" Ted pressed. Jamie paused for a long moment, wavering. "Yes?" he persisted. The desire not to be alone in the weirdness and awkwardness of the situation won out over her desire not to look weird and awkward in front of Ted.
"Sara," she mumbled, glancing up at Ted long enough to see a puzzled expression register on his face before she stared back down at the table.
"Sara?" he repeated, "but what. . . oh no, did she like, catch you? Or. . ." Jamie shook her head. "Or is she mad. . .?" Jamie shook her head again. "But she knows. . .?" Jamie nodded.
"Coffee?" A waitress in a blue apron interrupted the interrogation, holding out the steaming pot she carried.
"Yes, please," Ted answered, letting her fill his cup.
"Just water, thanks," Jamie mumbled, not looking up.
"Are you sure, love?" The waitress smiled. "You look like you could use some!"
"She'll be all right once she comes clean," Ted replied, grinning. Jamie glanced up at him and glared.
"Okay then," the waitress replied, looking amused. "Just give me a shout if you change your mind!" She moved on to the next booth and Ted eagerly leaned across the table again.
"Okay, so Sara knows and she's not mad. So what does she have to do with it, then? . . . I mean, unless she was, like, there. Ha!" Ted laughed heartily and smacked the table as Jamie groaned, folded her arms on the table in front of her and flopped her head into them with a thump.
"Woah, woah, woah, woah, wait. . . wait. . . what?" Jamie heard the laughter in Ted's voice vanish, replaced with shocked disbelief. "Sara was THERE? Like she SAW. . . you and Tegan. . .?" Ted trailed off, paused, and started again slowly, a fresh wave of incredulity in his voice as he began to put the pieces together. "I mean, was she just like. . . I mean, was she. . . was she. . . just. . . there, or. . . was she. . . did she. . ." he couldn't finish the thought. Jamie groaned again into her sleeves, still face down on the table. "Holy fuck," Ted breathed, stunned. "Woah. . . I mean. . . just. . . fuck." He stopped again, and was silent for so long that Jamie slowly peeked up at him with one eye from under her hood to make sure he hadn't had a heart attack or gone into respiratory failure at the table. He was still sitting there, jaw dropped, coffee abandoned, staring at her hood without seeing her. "I don't. . . I can't. . ." he struggled, "believe they would. . ."
". . .me neither," she mumbled. In spite of herself, Jamie felt a bubble of amusement at Ted's stunned disbelief, and lifted her head off of her arms a little more to look at him.
"I mean. . . holy shit," he murmured.
"Yes," she agreed.
"But, like," he started thoughtfully, "it almost makes some kind of fucked-up sense. Almost. I mean. . . Sara and Tegan. . . you and Tegan. . ." Jamie felt her face continue to burn under her hood. "And I mean, the girls, they kind of like. . . I mean, they kind of. . . share everything. . . you know?" he continued. Jamie felt the nerves flutter in her chest at that statement. Was she being shared? . . .and was that a bad thing? "And so that's why they. . ." he said, new realization dawning in his voice, "that's why you. . . the rum and Coke. . . oh shit. . ." Jamie looked down, hiding her face under her hood again. "Did you know that was going to. . . were they trying to. . . oh my God!" Jamie, head still down, gave a barely visible nod. "Oh my God!" Ted repeated, "so you. . . on purpose. . . you knew. . . that was going to. . ." Ted seemed to have lost the ability to make complete sentences. "But how did you. . ." he spluttered, "how did that even. . . how would. . . I mean, how. . ."
"Cupcakes," Jamie mumbled into her sleeves.
"Cupcakes?" Ted repeated, confused. And then: "Holy shit! So those were. . . to. . .to. . ."
"No!" Jamie interjected, lifting her head painfully, "Those were, that time was an accident!"
"That time?!" Ted stared at her, bug-eyed.
"Oh God," she mumbled, putting her head back down on her arms.
"I knew something was weird with you and Sara, but holy shit! I didn't think. . . I never thought. . ."
This is it, Jamie thought, not even Ted is going to be able to handle this one. Maybe I should go get my things. . .
Ted was again silent for a painfully long period of time while Jamie stared at the darkness of the table an inch from her nose, inhaling the faint smells of pancake syrup and bleach. Then finally, "Jamie," Ted said in a hushed tone. Jamie braced herself. "You do realize. . . that you are, like, living out the fantasy of like, every straight guy in history, right?" She lifted her head again and saw the playful smirk on his face. "And probably like, half of their fans. . ." She laughed out loud at this.
"Ha! Well I would like to inform them. . . that it is way more fucking complicated than they think it is!" She and Ted laughed until the waitress with the blue apron returned to take their order.
"Feeling better, I see!" she said to Jamie with a smile
"Haha. . . sort of. . . oh God. . . you have no idea," Jamie laughed, deciding to give the french toast a tentative try, and Ted ordered pancakes with bacon. The waitress left, stashing her notepad in her apron pocket, leaving Ted to stare at Jamie as though she had just sprouted wings and announced that she would be flying back to North America herself. Feeling apprehensive about her decision to let Ted in on a secret that could potentially destroy her life - as well as Tegan and Sara's - and slightly nauseous after laughing so hard, Jamie again lowered her head onto her folded arms.
"And so, like. . . who was. . . I mean. . . what, like. . . happened?" Ted managed to get out after a long pause, his brain running moments behind his tongue, but neither of them making much progress.
"Uhhhhhh God. . ." Jamie mumbled into her arms.
"I'm sorry but seriously. . . you need to fill in some of the holes, er. . . so to speak."
"Clever," Jamie groaned against her sleeve.
"Thanks. Don't even bother trying to change the subject."
"Ugh, what do you want me to say?" Jamie asked, looking up and quickly scanning the cafe, and wincing at the pain that so much movement brought to her head.
"Well, we know that Sara likes to be on top," Ted started, his glee now seemingly overtaking his shock. "And we know you like to be on top, so. . ."
"Holy fucking God," Jamie muttered under her breath, flushing deeply as Ted's face spread over with mischievous glee. She picked up her glass to avoid answering further.
"So what, did you like. . . like team up on poor Teegs or what?" Jamie was not quite finished swallowing a mouthful of water at that moment; most of it made its way down her throat, but a small amount squirted out as she snorted at that, and she covered her mouth. Ted snickered as Jamie clapped her hand over her mouth, coughed wetly for several moments, and swallowed.
"Poor? At one point, she had. . . two. . . mouths, like, um. . ." Jamie retorted, losing her confidence and trailing off inaudibly. Ted's eyes widened.
"Holy fuck." Jamie covered her mouth as she continued to cough, finally stopping and taking a deep breath.
"Yeah."
"Well?" Ted urged impatiently, as Jamie propped her head up between her sleeved hands.
"Well what?"
"Details. I need actual details."
"You need details?" Jamie repeated doubtfully.
"Yes."
"I mean, are you sure you even want to know?" she started. "I mean. . . you have to like, work with them every day! They're your bosses! They're like your family!" she exclaimed, thinking that all of this would be about the last thing she would want to know about either of her siblings. . . or really, any of her friends, if she thought about it. She tried not to.
"Jamie," he replied with only slightly mock seriousness, "exactly how often do I get to ask anyone what it's like to be in the middle of a threesome with lesbian tw-"
"Okay!" she cut him off. He had a point. "Okay, okay. . . I mean, I'm just. . . I don't think. . . I can't, like. . ." Jamie floundered, and then briefly met Ted's gaze. "I don't even know if I can, like, say it. . . this is so. . . oh my God."
"Okay, I'll help," Ted offered.
"Thanks," Jamie replied sardonically. "Ugh, my head. . ."
"No, no getting out of it. Okay, so who topped Tegan first?" he asked, and Jamie choked a bit and coughed again at the question, hesitated for a moment.
"Um, well. . . Sara, uh. . . with her, uh. . ." Jamie's words failed her, as did Ted's ability to use the English language as she gestured to her mouth with one hand and he sat there, processing, his mouth slightly open, his eyes open wider.
"Her -"
"Shh, Jesus!" Jamie cut him off. "Yes."
"And. . . you. . . saw. . . uh. . ."
"Ha, well. . . I was, um. . . busy, but. . ." Jamie murmured, absently stirring her straw in her water glass.
"Busy doing what?" he asked, leaning over the table with a conspiratorial grin and Jamie, despite the wreckage in her cranium, smirked at him.
"What do you think?" she laughed.
"Well I don't know! Suddenly there seems to be so many options!" Ted raved, laughing, and Jamie laughed too.
"Welcome to the wonderful world of lesbians!" She laughed again, sighed, and took another tentative sip of water. "Well, I was, um. . . kissing Tegan and. . . and stuff while Sara. . ." Jamie shrugged off the incompletion of her sentence and Ted shook his head in disbelief. "Then. . . Tegan, uh. . . returned the favour. . ."
"Wow. . . wow."
"Uhhh. . . yeah."
"And. . . what. . . about you?" Jamie returned to blushing intensely, making a wet trail with her finger through some of the water she had spurted onto the table.
"Well I. . . Sara, like. . .uh. . ."
"You kissed Sara while Tegan-"
"Shh!" Jamie repeated, with another paranoid scan of the room. "Yeah."
"You kissed Sara!" Ted repeated in amazement as Jamie shook her head.
"Well I mean it wasn't the first time. . ." Jamie started, figuring she might as well lay it all out there.
"WHAT?!"
"Shhhh!" Jamie hushed him. "Well, I mean I guess last time she kissed me, but. . ."
"When?!"
"I mean, it was back in Vancouver, and it wasn't. . . I mean, I don't think it was. . ."
"Okay, okay," Ted rushed her, "Well, how was that? I mean you and Sara hadn't-"
"No."
"So?"
"Come on. We were wasted!"
"But how was it?" he asked insistently. "I mean, you know. Everyone wonders about twins. If they're the same," Ted explained unnecessarily.
"They're not the same."
"How are they different?" he asked eagerly, and Jamie's mind gave her a soft recollection of Tegan's tender lips and Sara's, physically so similar, but with a certain kind of insistence behind them that differed so much from Tegan.
"Sara's a little more. . . I guess, um. . . aggressive?"
"Huh."
"Tegan's pretty, um. . ." There in the diner, with a throbbing skull and a queasy stomach, talking about a drunken, incestuous threesome over tap water with the band's guitar player, was not the time that she expected to get a lump in her throat about Tegan, but there it was.
"Tegan's pretty. . .?" Ted prodded her, his tone softening to match hers.
"Pretty gentle," Jamie murmured very quietly, and Ted nodded with a smile. He stirred his coffee thoughtfully for a moment, still neglecting to drink it, while Jamie swallowed away the lump.
"So then, what about you?" Ted asked at last, and Jamie looked at him quizzically.
"Hmm?"
"Well, surely in all of this chaos, one of them got around to getting you off!" Ted pointed out, as Jamie covered her face with her hands.
"Oh Jesus," she muttered.
"Well, right? I mean it's basic threesome etiquette," he said, laughing, and Jamie unsuccessfully tried to laugh, took a breath.
"Um, well. . . uh. . . Sara. . ." Jamie said into her hands, and then slowly lowered them when she heard no response from Ted. He stared at her, eyebrows raised.
"Sara. . .?"
"Ha," Jamie laughed.
"So, what? Did she like, strap on or-"
"Jesus, it's like I've created a monster. . ." Jamie groaned.
"Well? Did she?"
"Uh. . . no. . ." Jamie said delicately. Ted's eyes lingered on Jamie's for a moment, before she looked back to the table and the game she was playing with the water droplets.
"Are you telling me," Ted started in disbelief, lowering his voice to a whisper before Jamie had a chance to shush him, "that Sara. . . went down on you?"
"Fucking hell," Jamie whispered, covering her eyes with her hand again, trying to push away the sensation of Sara's hands grasping her thighs, Sara's tongue stroking her insistently, the tingling building where it touched. She crossed her legs.
"Well?"
"It's insane to even hear those words in that order," Jamie mumbled, eyes still covered, her face intensely red. Ted gave a low whistle, sounding stunned.
"Holy shit. Sara Fucking Quin. God damn."
"Jesus. . ." Jamie breathed again, sliding her hand away from her eyes and down her cheek, where Tegan's hand had been when it happened. She stared at Ted. They both took a moment to absorb that before Ted tried again.
"Weren't you like. . . I mean, was Tegan. . . Tegan was there and. . . and Sara went, um. . . okay so, and. . . well. . . Tegan. . . she like. . . she saw? I mean it's like. . . you were sleeping with Tegan and Sara's her sister and. . . and then they, um . . . wow."
"Ha," she laughed shortly. "Yeah. That."
"So like, the twin thing, again. . . I mean, how. . . was it, with Sara. . . I mean, compared to Tegan, like. . ." Ted struggled between obviously wanting to know and trying not to look too eager.
"I, uh. . ." Jamie felt her face getting hot yet again, "haha, I don't know. I mean, I, um. . . I wouldn't know. . ."
"So Tegan had never. . .?"
"No." Jamie answered quickly. "Um, no."
"No?"
"We, uh. . . we didn't, um. . . get that far," Jamie trailed off quietly, now pulling the paper wrapper of her straw through the water droplets on the table as well. Ted seemed to sense the lump forming in her throat again and quickly changed the subject.
"Okay, so was that it? Last night?"
"Was that it?" Jamie asked incredulously.
"Ha!" Ted laughed. "Well I mean, all good threesomes must come to an end! I mean, so I've heard." Jamie smirked.
"Well I don't know!" she laughed. "After Sara, um. . . I mean Tegan was kissing me and then she left, she went and, I uh. . . I. . . passed out. . . while they, um. . ." she felt her body heat up again as she closed her eyes and vividly saw Sara biting her lower lip, her brow furrowed in concentration as her hips thrust faster into Tegan; Tegan's eyes shut tight, head back, mouth open in a silent cry as her nails dug into the flesh of Sara's back and her legs began to tremble.
"Yes?"
"Uh. . ."
"Ha!" Ted laughed again, "Come on Jamie, you can do it! Just say it. You've come this far."
"Are you seriously sure you want to know this?"
"Yes!" Ted answered emphatically, leaning forward over the table a little more still.
"Okay, um. . ." she hesitated. "Well, you asked about Sara strapping on, and, uh. . ."
"Oh wow. . ."
"Yeah. . ."
"Oh my god, you passed out during that?!" Ted howled, realizing, his head thrown back in laughter.
"Yeah. . ."
"Oh my god, I am so sorry!" he smacked the table again, doubled over laughing. "Holy fuck. . ."
"Oh don't worry, I'm pretty sorry about it too!" Jamie exclaimed. "Like, for once, I'm actually allowed to watch it, and. . ."
"Here we go!" the waitress interrupted, setting down Ted's plate of pancakes and bacon in front of him and Jamie's plate of french toast along with a small pot of syrup. "Can I get you two anything else?"
"No, thank you," Jamie laughed as Ted clutched his side, trying to catch his breath and wiping the corners of his eyes with his napkin, his giggles trailing off. The waitress walked away again, leaving Ted to eagerly dig into his food as Jamie scraped the butter off of her french toast and onto another plate with her fork, cut a small corner off of one piece, and took a tentative bite, chewing thoughtfully for a few moments.
"Ted," she said suddenly, swallowing, "you can't tell anybody about this. I mean, nobody. At all. Ever." She stared at him.
"My lips are sealed," he replied solemnly, putting down his fork and pretending to zip his lips and throw away the key. "Besides," he laughed, "seriously. . . who the fuck would believe me?"