Author's Note: Anyone seen all of the new pics of "Jamie" standing in between T&S on their Facebook page? *grins* ;)
P.S. Did anyone else notice that at shows T&S are now coming out to THE SAME FUCKING SONG that Tegan sang to Sara back in Chapter 7 of Part I before they got it on on the bus?! HOOOOOLY WHHHAAAAAT? Hahahaha! #ithinkwerenotalonenow #theyrewatchingus #itsasign #conspiracytheories!
Chapter 16 - It Was Monday
Jamie stood at the counter, head throbbing, waiting for her camera to be returned to her and swallowing the taste that was rising up into her throat. Her first hangover experience confirmed her long-held assertion that alcohol was stupid, but even in her diminished state, she admitted to herself right there in the shop that if Tegan were to set another cocktail down in front of her, she wouldn't hesitate to drink it all. She hadn't spoken to either of the girls since they had woken up stuck together. When Jamie had reluctantly opened her eyes again to the revealing light of morning, she found that Tegan was in the shower and Sara had gone to sleep in one of the four bunks at the middle of the bus, the strap-on left in a pile on the floor. Jamie followed Sara's lead, retreating to her own bunk and hoping to sleep off the alcohol and the mortification until Ted texted her for coffee.
"Here you go," the shop girl said, setting the camera down on the counter and handing her the invoice. "Good as new." The girl gave Jamie a smile that was really more of a smirk, but that could have been her lip ring interfering with her smiling ability. Jamie suddenly realized that she probably looked as awful as she felt, and forced a sickly smile and a thank-you as she took the camera. "You live in London?" the girl asked as Jamie turned to go.
"No, I. . ." Jamie started, not sure how to explain where she lived anymore. "I'm here for work."
"Oh yeah? What kind of work?" the girl wondered. Jamie gave her a quick look as her eyes were on the register; Jamie felt reasonably sure that this girl was both a member of the team and likely to know who Tegan and Sara were.
"Advertising," Jamie replied, not at all willing or able to get into it. The girl gave her a half-smile.
"Well, enjoy London."
"Thanks."
. . . . . . . . . . .
Back at the bus, all Jamie wanted to do was sleep. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so odious, but it was probably after eating bad chicken in college and spending four days shivering, delirious, losing fluids from every orifice. This wasn't as bad as that, and yet it was somehow worse by virtue of being self-inflicted. She crawled into her bunk and closed the curtain, intending to sleep but suddenly awash in recollections from the previous night.
When she heard them clamber onto the bus, she hesitated just long enough to remind herself that she didn't want to be trapped in her bunk again, overhearing something she shouldn't overhear, so she stuck her head out of her curtain just as Sara walked by, and met Tegan's eyes.
"Hey, um. . . how are you feeling?" Tegan paused to ask her, blushing but apparently more prepared to speak to her than she had been earlier in the day, but not much more prepared to look her in the eye.
"Haha, well. . . I think I was right not trying it before," Jamie replied heavily and Tegan grinned, looking down.
"Have you had breakfast?"
"Uh, a little bit, but I think I might regret it. I don't think I will eat anything ever again," Jamie groaned, looking for a bit of cuticle to bite. Tegan's eyes were on Sara at the end of the bus, but she nodded.
"Yeah, but you should. You have to go out and have a greasy breakfast to absorb all that liquid in your stomach. Hashbrowns, eggs-"
"Don't say eggs," Jamie said, with a look of distaste, rubbing her eyes.
"Yeah, I'm not feeling too hot either," Tegan admitted.
"How's Sara?"
"Oh, she's okay. I mean, she's basically an alcoholic, so. . ." Tegan said wryly, looking down the bus at Sara.
"Is. . . something wrong?" she asked, peering around the edge of her bunk to see what Tegan was seeing. She saw Sara standing at the end of the hallway, still, staring down at the screen of her cell phone. For an instant she was given another montage of images of Sara from the night before - her lips grazing Tegan's belly; pushing Tegan's thighs open. . .
"Uh, Sara's, um. . . returning. . . our mom's call," she said, pressing her labret piercing out with her tongue and then biting on it.
"Ah," Jamie said, remembering the scene that had accompanied their mother's last attempt to call.
"Tegan," Sara called to her, a little tensely.
"Uh. . . I think she needs like. . . moral support," Tegan mumbled, redder still. Jamie hadn't seen Tegan so embarrassed since she had brought out the strap-on for the first time in Vancouver.
"Oh, you. . . have you spoken since, um. . ." Jamie started and stopped again after the quick calculation in her mind didn't add up.
"Um, a few weeks but. . . yeah," Tegan said, shaking her head. "Um, I guess since we, uh. . . got this bus. . ."
"Tegan," Sara said again, and Tegan gave Jamie a quick look and followed Sara's voice to the end of the bus as Jamie pondered Tegan's words. They hadn't spoken to their mother since they'd gotten the little bus, since they'd started sleeping in the same bed together every night, since they'd apparently stopped trying to fight it. Since they'd been, more or less, happy. She peered down the hall to where they stood, staring together at the screen of Sara's phone, frozen, their faces fresh palettes of shame. Jamie retreated into her bunk as the girls quickly looked up at each other and made eye contact. Tegan gave Sara the slightest nod, and Sara looked at her screen, touched a key, closed her eyes, and pressed the phone to her ear while Tegan stood by tensely, playing with her piercing with a knotted brow.
"Hi mom. . ." Sara started. "Yeah, good. . . you?" Sara looked up at Tegan and then back down to the carpet. Tegan folded her arms and stood in front of Sara, watching, concerned, while Jamie lay there in her bunk, hearing them and trying to imagine what was going on inside of them in that moment. "Well it was like, five o'clock in the morning, so. . . No, still in London but tonight we're crossing over to France. . . yeah, it's good. It's better. Exactly. Well. . . actually, no. . . they screwed up our order and we ended up with, uh, one big bed, like we asked for a bus with two and they gave us this one. . . yeah, it's. . . it's fine. Tegan kicks me but, haha. . ." Sara's face reddened and she closed her eyes again, shook her head. Tegan bit her lip. "Yeah, fine. . . no, good. No, no more fights, no more. . . um. . . mom, that was an accident! I didn't punch. . . no! She was like, suffocating me and. . . yeah I know, mom. . . yeah. . . a couple of weeks in Europe and then. . . oh, yeah, um. . . she's good. She's on this little bus with us. Zombie sneakers. . . no, it's like, it was just this thing where like, Ted's feet were so smelly that. . . yeah, so it's the girls' bus. . . yeah I think so. I mean, she's. . . she's with us all the time, what could not be fun about that. . . um, yeah, Tegan's-" Sara looked up and Tegan closed her eyes and shook her head quickly, her arms folded tightly across her chest. "Um, actually, no, she just stepped out. Yeah, we're on the road in a few minutes so. . . okay. Haha, okay. Yeah. Love you too. Bye." Sara looked at the screen, stuck the phone in her pocket and pressed her hands against her eyes. "Jesus Christ," Sara murmured as Tegan stepped forward and put her arms around her. Jamie couldn't help but peer around the edge of her bunk again as they put their arms around each other and stood together like that for a quiet moment. Jamie watched them, her queasy stomach warming at the sight of it. Feeling the intimacy of the moment, she ducked back behind her curtain.
"Fuck," Sara said at last, taking a deep breath, and Tegan sighed. Sara was the one to finally tense up and extricate herself from the embrace and take half a step back. "She was like, how's your sister? Are you guys getting along. . ." Sara muttered this and Tegan winced. "I didn't think. . . like. . . I didn't expect to feel so. . ." She couldn't finish her sentence. She just shook her head again and a pained look crossed Tegan's face.
"I'll talk to her next time," Tegan said softly.
"God, can you. . . um. . . can you imagine if. . ." Sara didn't finish this sentence either; there was a catch in her voice. Tegan put a hand on Sara's arm.
"Don't. . . she won't. . ." Tegan started, her voice so quiet that Jamie, in her bunk, could just barely make it out.
"She could," Sara replied.
"She won't. We're only. . . it's only. . . just here, on this bus. Just us, and Jamie and-"
"Some day, if we forget. . . or slip up or I don't know. . . if we're just careless and. . . like the bus is parked and someone comes on or-"
"So we lock the door," Tegan said.
"And if we forget or like. . . if mom. . . Tegan. . ." Sara stopped again but the tears spilled over, and she quickly pressed her hands against her eyes.
"No, Sara, hey. . ." Tegan moved in closer and put her arms around Sara again. Sara's tears were threatening to cause the same response in Tegan. "She won't. . ."
"Is the door locked now?" Sara asked, pulling back and hurrying down the length of the bus, "Can people see in these windows, even? Have you ever checked?" Sara continued, her voice shaking.
"No, you know that they're like. . . polarized or-" Tegan's sentence was cut off by a half-muffled sob from Sara, a sound not familiar to Jamie, who lay frozen in her bunk. "No, hey. . ." said Tegan, approaching Sara, who hastily climbed down the three stairs, checked the door, and then sat heavily on the top stair "No, don't cry," Tegan said. "We're okay. . . I mean, right here, we're okay, we're safe. . ." Tegan said, her tone a little pleading, anxious. Jamie, despite herself, peered out again and saw them, just as Tegan sat down behind Sara, on the floor of the bus, and wrapped her arms around her distraught twin.
"Are you sure? Why are you so sure?" Sara demanded, in tears. "Why aren't you scared?" There was a pause.
"I am," Tegan said softly. "But I. . . can't. . . I need you more than. . ." The way Tegan sat, with her arms around Sara's middle and her legs around Sara's hips, reminded Jamie of when she had held Tegan like that on the hotel floor, as blood dripped hotly on her own hands. There was no blood this time, but she wondered if Sara's tears were dripping on Tegan's hands as she sat with her head hanging. Tegan kissed the back of Sara's neck. "We're okay. We don't. . . we aren't. . . hurting anyone. . ." This last whispered phrase struck Jamie in the gut; she felt her own eyes sting.
"She would die if she found out," Sara whispered, covering her eyes with her sleeve. Tegan squeezed her closer and Sara leaned back into Tegan's chest.
"Shh, she won't. . ." Tegan said, but even Jamie in her bunk could hear the doubt in her voice, the fear that she tried to disguise for Sara's sake. Sara took a shaky breath, shook her head.
"You don't. . . it's. . . why," Sara stammered, the anguish in her tone intensifying. "Why are we like this?" Jamie swallowed, held her breath, instantly reminded of those same words from Tegan's lips, in Tegan's bed in Vancouver. She could see them through the space in her curtain, Sara struggling with her tears, Tegan holding her tight. There was a pause. Tegan shook her head, her cheek against Sara's.
"I don't know," Tegan said, softly and briefly kissing Sara's neck, wet with tears. "Don't cry. . ."
"I don't want to be like this," Sara said softly. Tegan couldn't answer for a moment.
"But we are," she whispered at last.
"Why?" Sara asked Tegan, asked herself. Tegan shook her head.
"I don't know," she said again.
"It's so fucked, Tegan," Sara whispered, with a quiet sob.
"Yeah. . ." Tegan murmured into Sara's hair. "I love you. . ." Sara took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She nodded, her eyes closed, and Jamie thought then that she'd never seen such sad assent as in that nod.
"I'm fucked like this, with you. . . I'm fucked without you. . . either way, I'm just fucked," Sara said.
"No," Tegan tried to protest.
"I can't, like, live without you," Sara said bitterly, wiping her face with her sleeve again.
"You don't have to. Don't even think like that," Tegan responded gently, pressing her lips against the back of Sara's head for a moment. Sara made an effort to calm herself, and after a few deep breaths, the tears stopped.
"This isn't normal," Sara said.
"No," Tegan agreed with a heavy breath.
"I want to be normal," Sara said shakily.
"Well. . ." Tegan started, pondering. "I want to be a dolphin. But you don't always get what you want." Sara didn't laugh; rather, she burst into tears again, surprising Tegan and maybe even herself. Sudden sobs shook her, as she doubled over and covered her eyes with the crook of her elbow.
"No, hey. . . Sara, shh, no. . ." Tegan murmured close to her ear, swaying slightly from side to side. Jamie's heart clenched in her chest at this rare scene; she'd seen Tegan in this state, and she'd been the one to hold her and say comforting things. Sara had shown some emotion in their last day in Vancouver, but that had been much more contained. Sara's breaths were shallow and quick in Tegan's arms. This was not the Sara who controlled herself, measured her words. This was a different Sara.
"Shhhh, hey," Tegan whispered. "Take a breath. Take a breath. . ." Sara struggled to follow Tegan's advice, her breaths shaky at first, but then breathing deeply, her arm over her face. Tegan reached one hand around, took hold of Sara's hand and gently pulled it away from her face. "Take it easy. You're okay. We're okay. . ." Sara shook her head, her eyes shut tight.
"Are we. . . going to. . . always. . . be like this?" Sara asked with some effort. Jamie could see Tegan's eyes close, her cheek against Sara's wet cheek.
"I don't. . . I. . . I think we'll figure it out. Somehow. . ." Jamie's heart hurt for Tegan's words and for how true she tried to make them sound. Neither of them believed it.
"How, Tegan?" Sara asked, struggling to calm herself again. She took a few deep breaths.
"I don't know but. . . we have to. . . try, because. . ." Tegan stopped, at a loss. "I think. . . because. . ."
"What choice do we have?" Sara asked, defeated. Tegan pressed her lips to Sara's shoulder for a moment.
"Yeah," Tegan murmured. Sara lay her hands over Tegan's arms, wrapped around her belly.
"I. . . how. . ." Sara began and then sighed. "We should have been born as one person." Tegan shook her head.
"I would miss you. . ."
"You wouldn't know you missed me. I'd be you. In you," Sara said, tired. Tegan didn't buy it.
"I'd know." Sara snorted, a little, and sighed.
"Tegan, you're such a fucking sap," she said, wearily. Tegan snorted too.
"So are you, but you try to hide it," she said. Sara was leaning back into Tegan's body; Tegan kissed her behind her ear, smelling her hair.
"Well, at least I try," Sara said back.
"Why bother?" Tegan chuckled. "I'm the one who's there when you. . . stop trying." Sara bit her lip.
"I love you so much," Sara said quietly, incredulously. "It kind of sucks." Tegan laughed.
"Nah, everything else does." There was a moment where Tegan kissed her ear again, her neck, and they were quiet. Then Sara sighed, stirred.
"We should go to the back of the bus before Tony comes. . . we have to be on the road in like. . ."
"Yeah," Tegan said, releasing Sara. They helped each other get up. Jamie saw them pass by the little opening in her curtain; she saw Sara's face, flushed and still shining with tears, as she lay in her bunk, her head throbbing, her heart aching, as the door closed at the back of the bus.