Chapter 18 - On My Floor
"And what's that?" Johnny asked for the sixth time, coming up behind Jamie as Ted and Shaun ducked into a bakery and the girls waited.
"Umm, that one is a bank," she laughed.
"Seriously?" Johnny asked incredulously. Jamie grinned at him and nodded.
"He thinks every building is some kind of like, monument," Tegan laughed, focusing her camera on another building on an adjacent corner.
"Yeah, while you take pictures of every alley and apartment building," Sara pointed out wryly, quickly and accidentally making eye contact with Jamie before reddening and looking away.
The other two boys emerged from the bakery and they continued on, stopping now and then to marvel at commonplace things and take photos. Ted sidled up to Jamie as she followed some distance behind the girls.
"This stuff is so good," Ted said to her, tearing off a chunk of his pastry. "It's got raisins and some kind of like, custard or something in it. . ." he offered the brown bag to Jamie, who tore off a piece.
"Ohhhh, custard," Sara said, looking back over her shoulder. Ted offered the bag to her as well and she stopped and took a bite. "Mmmm. Why does everything taste better here?" she wondered.
"It's Paris. It's psychological," Ted said.
"No, I think it's true. I had bread with ham and cheese and it was like the best thing I've eaten so far this year," Shaun said as they rounded a corner. Ted glanced at Jamie and raised his eyebrows.
"Everything okay?" he asked in a low voice. Jamie shook her head.
"I think we have an unspoken agreement to pretend it didn't happen," she muttered, concentrating on her shoes. Ted nodded.
"Okay, so what is that?" Johnny gaped, pointing at the enormous building up ahead and twisting around to see Jamie as she looked up.
"That's the Hótel de Ville," Jamie told him, and he blinked.
"That's a hotel?" he asked, and she shook her head, smiling.
"No, it's like city hall," she explained.
"It's so. . . it's like someone was like, here's a trillion dollars, spend every penny of it on this building," Sara said with a laugh. "Like, spend more money on decorating the outside of this building than several small countries' national budgets combined." They took some photos there, and at Notre Dame just a little further down the way, where Johnny stopped and insisted that they needed to take a picture of the hunchback. Across the river, Sara nearly had a stroke when she discovered Shakespeare and Co, so they all went in, enduring the surly attitudes of the young expat staff while the girls browsed the shelves, and Sara excitedly picked up a vintage copy of Ulysses. Jamie and Sara continued to avoid each other's eyes as they looked around in the shop, and after as they made their way to the Rodin museum.
"I don't remember who it was," Jamie started as they navigated their way through the exhibits, "but a critic or someone called Camille Claudel something like 'a reversal of nature: a woman genius.' Not sure of the quote but it was something like that."
"Damn. Why couldn't we live in that era?" Tegan added. "We could wear corsets and not be taken seriously."
"Yeah, she was such a great artist in her own right but her work was basically forgotten until like the 80s," Jamie said, stopping to gaze on another sculpture.
"So why is her stuff in the Rodin museum?" Sara asked.
"She was Rodin's apprentice," Jamie explained, "and then his mistress. They had this intense, secret affair, but. . . him with his reputation to maintain. . ." she saw Tegan quickly glance at Sara out of the corner of her eye; Sara refused to look back at her. "In the end, he wouldn't leave his wife for her. The legend is that she lost her mind over it. . . that her despair pushed her over the edge and she went insane, and died wandering the streets of Paris." She paused and looked around the bright, airy room, the windows wide open and their curtains waving in the wind as tourists quietly peered at the sculptures on pedestals scattered throughout the room on creaky wooden floors. "This was his house, Rodin's house. This was actually, like, the actual place where all of this passion and all of this, like, misery happened. Right here. And now, I mean, all of these people just walking around probably don't even know what happened on the floor they're standing on. It kind of blows my mind." Sara and Tegan listened to her attentively, glancing around and nodding. "And like, this," Jamie continued, gesturing to the bust of a man on a shelf nearby, "she sculpted this. Of him. Rodin. When he loved her. When they loved each other. And that one over there," she pointed to a sculpture of a woman's head across the room, and the twins' eyes followed her gaze. "He sculpted that one of her. They sculpted each other. I mean, how fucking romantic is that? A lot of these," she gestured around the room, "are sculptures by both of them, like, some of each of their most famous works are about their relationship." It suddenly struck Jamie, the obvious parallel between that and Tegan and Sara's career. . . two artists, their entire body of work secretly about each other. She wondered if they were thinking the same thing. She glanced at Sara, who was frowning, brow furrowed, and thought she might be.
She moved to another statue of a woman on her knees, grasping for the hand of a man as an evil-looking figure pulled him away. "I mean, this one is called L'Implorante. . . 'The Imploring One.' It's her begging him not to leave her." Tegan's voice echoed in Jamie's head as she was left alone, in the darkness of the hotel room, in the moonlight in the barn: 'Sara. . .'
"I mean, it's just so sad," she continued quietly. "It destroyed her. This young, talented artist, and for what? She just fell in love with the wrong person. A century later, who would have cared if Rodin had done something socially unacceptable and left his wife to be with a woman who was like, his equal, his soul mate? Maybe it would have been a big deal then, but now. . . it would be entirely forgotten."
"Such a waste," Tegan said. "So sad."
"Exactly. What could be more tragic than wasted love?" she added softly, standing next to Tegan. Tegan nodded. "And more than just tragic, it's like. . . a crime." Sara, in spite of her shame, gave Jamie a surprised look, and in spite of Jamie's own embarrassment, she returned Sara's look, and then wandered off after the boys, leaving the twins to ponder on their own, the memories of century-old screams echoing throughout the quiet, sunny room.
. . . . . . . . . .
"Merci!" Tegan thanked the crowd halfway through the set, and patted herself on the back as the crowd cheered their approval of her single word of French. "Oh, thank you. I don't know if you know this but we're from Canada and-" there were more cheers. "Oh, well, thanks. But don't cheer yet. What I wanted to say is that Sara and I, and Ted and Johnny and Shaun are all from Canada and we are technically a bilingual country-"
"Yeah, technically is the right word," Sara put in.
"Well, I was going to say that because like we all study French in school and Sara has lived in Montreal for like a hundred years and she can't speak French at all. The only person with us who can speak French really at all is Jamie, our videographer. Who's like, American."
"So embarrassing," Sara said.
"Especially for you. I mean, why can't you learn French? What's wrong with you?" Tegan asked Sara to the laughter of the crowd, and the occasional shout of support for Sara.
"Well okay, I haven't been able to learn French but you haven't been able to learn to, like, not to like make fun of people with learning disabilities." Tegan laughed. "Like, earlier you were mocking me for having asthma and now for my learning disability-"
"Come on-"
"No, it's good. It's better that they have this, like, they have a chance to see what a bully you are and how abusive-"
"Yeah, but I wonder if any if them saw what you did to my face a few months ago," Tegan started. "Did you guys see my black eyes and broken nose, that I got from my sister who is calling me a bully right now?". Several members of the audience shouted their affirmation.
"Come on, it wasn't broken-"
"It still shows that you are the bully in this relationship and not me," Tegan pointed out. Jamie laughed out loud, turning the camera to Tegan.
"Okay, let's change the subject," Sara responded. "I want to dedicate this next song to. . . someone who's in the room tonight because. . . okay. . . have you ever like, gotten drunk with a friend and then things kind of. . . went too far? Have you ever had that experience? Is that something that happens in France?" There were hoots from the crowd, as Tegan gave Sara a shocked look, and quickly glanced down at Jamie, between the barrier and the stage, camera trained on Sara. Someone in the crowd shouted, "Who?" "Never you mind who. That's not important. What's important is that I had a drunken experience with this person and ever since then we've both been, like, we've been mortified, or like, horrified. . . it's like, we can't look at each other-"
"Tell us what happened!" came an enthusiastic shout from the crowd, followed by cheers of approval. Sara looked in the direction of the loudest voice, shielding her eyes from the stage lights.
"I think you know, I mean, you have a general idea of what kind of thing I'm talking about. I just want to dedicate this song to this person and let him or her know-"
"Him or her," Tegan repeated, shaking her head.
"I want to protect her identity. Or his," Sara added quickly, while the crowd hooted suggestively. "Okay, well, everyone knows I'm a giant queer so don't, like, congratulate yourselves too much for like, cracking that mystery. I mean, you don't have to be Columbo to figure out that if I got wasted and made out with someone, that person would be a girl." Tegan laughed, shrugged at Shaun who laughed too, while Ted smirked down at Jamie.
"I don't know about that. Get enough drinks in you and it evens out to like, fifty-fifty," Tegan contributed. Sara laughed about that too, addressing some appreciative shouts from some of the male fans.
"Haha, that guy was like, yes. I have a chance," Tegan laughed. "Like, your being gay was like, the only obstacle."
"No. I'm off the whiskey for the rest of the year," Sara said. "Maybe track me down early next year and we can talk." More whooping and cheering. "Anyway. All I wanted to say is, it's no big deal. Like, maybe we should lay off the alcohol in the future but I think, in a little while, I'll be able to make eye contact with you again. And eventually, we should be able to speak again." Sara was careful not to look at Jamie, which was a relief to Jamie, as was the darkness that hid the redness in her face. "So this one is for you, you know who you are."