Hey all, sorry for being so schizophrenic... thanks for your patience! Hopefully everything is staying the way it is after this. ;) And thank you all for re-following the story! :D
Chapter 19 - My Eyes Were Charting
"Where's Jamie?" Sara asked, sitting down on the foot of the bed and unlacing her shoes. Tegan, lying on her back on the bed, put her book down on her chest and gazed over at Sara as she pulled her sweaty stage t-shirt off and replaced it with a fresh one. Tegan felt a jolt at the sight still, just as Sara still felt a moment of hesitation before she undressed in front of Tegan.
"She went out to get something to eat with the boys," Tegan replied, her eyes drifting over Sara's milky skin as she pulled off her skinny jeans and replaced them with a pair of loose shorts, and she kept watching as Sara lay down next to her.
"Why didn't you join them?" Sara asked, kissing Tegan's neck and laying a hand on her belly.
"I'm not feeling so great. Which is something you should know before you start kissing me and making me all hot," Tegan said with a laugh.
"Oh no, are you getting sick?" Sara asked as Tegan put a bookmark in her book and set it aside.
"Nah, it's shark week," Tegan moaned. "I feel like I'm being disemboweled with like a giant hook."
"Awww," Sara said sympathetically, softly rubbing Tegan's stomach. "Do you need Advil or something?"
"Do you have some?" Tegan asked, and Sara got up off the bed and went quickly out the door. She was back a minute later with a glass of water and two capsules. She sat next to Tegan and handed her the glass and the capsules. Tegan sat up, popped the capsules in her mouth and drank.
"Thanks," Tegan said, her look slightly puzzled amusement.
"Lie down," Sara said. "I'll rub your belly." Tegan lay down without saying anything, her eyes on Sara's face as Sara lay next to her and tenderly rubbed her aching abdomen. "Does it help?" Sara asked after a moment. Tegan smiled, and nodded. "It would probably feel better if you. . . like. . . took off the super-tight jeans as well. . ." she unbuttoned Tegan's jeans, pulled the zipper down. She slipped her hand under Tegan's shirt and continued rubbing her belly.
"That's better," Tegan said, with a smile.
"What are you smirking about?" Sara asked as Tegan watched her face.
"I'm not smirking," Tegan said.
"Something is, like, amusing you," Sara said, meeting Tegan's eyes and then looking back to her task of massaging Tegan's stomach.
"Not amusing. We. . . I've. . . you know, I've been having cramps since I was thirteen and like, this is the first time. . . this has ever happened," Tegan said softly. Sara blushed slightly, continued rubbing in slow circles. After a moment, she spoke.
"I wanted to, though." Tegan watched Sara's face.
"You did?" she asked. Sara nodded, her eyes averted. Tegan lifted a hand and pushed Sara's long bangs back out of her eyes and tucked them behind her ear.
"There were lots of times. . . sooo many times. . . when I wanted to. . . touch you in like. . . in like a way that I just. . . couldn't." Tegan's eyes on her still.
"Me too," Tegan said softly. "I can't even. . . I don't even remember the first time I felt like I wanted to. . . be naked. With you." Sara lay her head on Tegan's pillow, her hand continuing its gentle motions.
"Me too," Sara said with a sigh. "I mean. . . I feel like we were naked together in the womb and like. . . we were pressed up against each other like that and we grew that way and. . ." Sara sighed again, heavily. "It's just kind of. . . it's like, unfair that we were made that way and then like. . . society or whatever. . . tells us we have to be something different." Tegan nodded. "I don't think we can. Be something different. I think it's impossible." Tegan lay her hand over Sara's, on her stomach.
"Yeah. How many times do you think we crawled into each other's beds as kids and cuddled up together?" Tegan wondered. Sara snorted a little.
"Not only kids. I mean, we still did that until. . . well. . . probably like fourteen?"
"Yeah. And every time, I wanted to like, crawl under your clothes with you." Sara met Tegan's warm gaze for a moment before moving closer and kissing her lips for several slow seconds.
"You know what Jamie said to me?" Sara said a moment later, as she smoothed Tegan's hair back from her forehead. "She said maybe we were trying to put ourselves back together. Back into one person." Tegan smiled.
"Wow. That's. . . kind of a beautiful way to look at it," Tegan said, thinking it over and swallowing.
"Yeah. God, Tegan. . . she is so in love with you," Sara said rather suddenly, tracing over Tegan's cheek with her fingers. Tegan's brow creased for a moment, and she nodded. " Like all the. . . everything she said in the museum was just like. . . even with how she feels, she was saying. . ." Sara started and stopped.
"She was saying. . . not to waste it. This. . ." Tegan started. "I feel like she was trying to say a lot of things, that I don't exactly know how to like. . . I don't know," Tegan stumbled a little and stopped. Sara nodded, understanding anyway.
"And like. . . in a hundred years, or whenever, nobody will remember us and it won't matter about. . . maybe like. . . maybe nobody will care what we. . ." Sara's face reddened and she shook her head. Tegan watched her eyes, nodded.
"Yeah. . ." Tegan murmured. They were quiet for a moment before Sara went on.
"I mean, poor Jamie. Isn't it, like, it's so unfair, what I. . . what we're doing to her. Isn't it? I mean, the other night. . ." Tegan bit her bottom lip. "I mean, it's fucked up because like. . . that was like. . . good, for us, you know? It helped us. Because like. . . I wanted to, um. . ." Sara lost track of her sentence, looked away.
"Me too," Tegan said. "I wanted to. . . all of you." Sara blushed again, remembering, waited for the words to pass.
"But like. . . it's not fair to her. How can that not hurt? Like, she loves you so fucking much that she'll like, she'll just like do whatever. . . whatever you want. . . whatever. . . to be with you. . . like God, it makes me want to cry." Tegan sighed sadly, Sara's words once again echoing her own thoughts.
"Maybe we should lay off the mind-altering substances for a while?" Tegan suggested. Sara nodded, frowning slightly.
"Tegan, have you and Jamie like. . . I mean, except for the times when, uh, I was there. . .?"
"No," Tegan said. "Only in Vancouver." Tegan's eyes were on Sara's. Sara looked relieved, for a moment, but still sad.
"I try not to get jealous because like. . . I don't have any right to be jealous and. . ." Sara took a deep breath. "And because it would just be. . . better to be with her. Better for you." Tegan's look was all seriousness.
"Maybe so but. . ." she shrugged, her face fell.
"Pandas and coconuts?" Sara asked softly and Tegan smiled just a little.
"Yeah." Tegan rolled on her side facing Sara and they put their arms around each other and pulled each other close. "I mean. . . it's weird to think of it. . . to think that I like, I would. . . I would want to be with her if. . . things were different and like. . . it's so. . . I mean, she's so many things I would want and I really care about her and she deserves like. . . like all of my heart but it's. . . not. . ." Tegan frowned, pondered. "It's like. . ." she started, raising her left arm and turning the inside of her forearm to Sara. "If I wanted another tattoo here. But like, I have this one already. It's too late." Sara nodded. "I mean it's not the best analogy," Tegan admitted.
"I've heard better," Sara laughed softly.
"Yeah but it's like, you know. . . I'm. . . taken. I'm yours." They looked at each other, neither of them making a joke about the reference.
"You could be with Jamie if I were dead," Sara murmured and Tegan squeezed her tighter.
"That's not funny," she said.
"I wasn't trying to be funny," Sara pointed out.
"I would want to be dead, too," Tegan said.
"You'd get over it," Sara suggested, slightly flippant.
"No. I never, ever would. I would be broken and I would suck out all of Jamie's happiness and eventually break her heart because I would die too and then she'd be alone."
"You wouldn't die," Sara disagreed.
"Well okay, just imagine it. Imagine I was dead. Just take a moment and really imagine it. Do it right now," Tegan said intensely, moving her face back and looking Sara in the eye. Sara frowned. "So, now I'm dead and now you are free to have a normal relationship with a normal girl, and be happy. Right?" Sara shook her head and pulled Tegan into another tight embrace. She pressed her cheek against Tegan's and said nothing. "See?" Tegan went on. "Right? It just doesn't work. It just doesn't."
"No," Sara whispered.
"No," Tegan agreed. They stayed like that for a long time.