Cat could sense Faith holding onto her temper with both hands. Her eyes blazed and she loomed over Cat. Some part of Cat was amazed she wasn't more cowed by Faith's bearing. Instead of rousing her submissive instincts, it fed Cat's rage.
"You're my Dominant, Faith. Since I was eight. You were there, in my head and my heart. All cocky attitude and orders. And I loved you. I trusted you. All I could think about was being yours," Cat told Faith. She ignored the way Faith's anger disappeared, replaced by shock. The way one hand had risen as if to touch Cat's cheek. "I should have known it wasn't real. I trusted you, but you never trusted me. Did you, Faith? Not once. Not for a second. For four years I begged for the smallest detail about your life. You never answered me. 'It ain't important, little cat'. It's all you ever told me."
There was no relief in finally telling the story. She'd pinned everything on this moment. It was supposed to be that one, shining moment. The moment that corrected the horror of Cat's past. But it wasn't working the way Cat had planned. As the words poured out, Cat didn't feel triumphant or happy; she simply hurt. The memories ripped at the fragile scabs that had grown over the mental and emotional wounds. And seeing tears streaming down Faith's face burned like acid on Cat's submissive soul. She had to force the rest of the tale out. If only she'd never started this. If only she'd gotten someone else to play the part of her missing Dominant. "I used to blame myself. Did you know that?"
Now the blame really was Cat's. She was deliberately hurting Faith. Tara, too. Faith's Dominant watched the scene with a stricken expression, one hand resting on Faith's neck - and the collar there. An unspoken gesture of possession. When Cat paused, Tara collected herself. She pulled Faith back into her arms protectively. "Cat, you need to..."
"I'm not talking to you," Cat snapped aggressively, unconsciously echoing Tara's words from the previous night. "I used to blame myself," she repeated. "What did I do to drive you away? It had to be my fault. You were my Domme; you were supposed to take care of me and it had to be something I did. You were punishing me because I did something that disappointed you."
The busy mall and all the gawkers disappeared.
"Hold her down!" a man in a lab coat shouted. He gestured at two other men dressed in white uniforms. "Stop staring at her and hold her down!" Seconds later, hard hands grabbed Cat and pinned her to the lumpy mattress. Something pricked her arm and fire poured into her veins.
Twisting frantically, Cat screamed - as she'd been doing since Faith's voice and presence had dropped from her mind. "Faith! I'm sorry. Please. Please, don't leave. I'll do whatever you want. Please. Please..." The burning slowed and everything around Cat grew soft and fuzzy. It was so hard to think. There had been...something...someone...Faith. "Faith. Please. Don't...help me."
Cat swiped impatiently at the tears streaking her face. She wasn't that young girl anymore. She didn't need Faith to save her. She wasn't going to be afraid or lonely or sorry any more. None of this was her fault. "You left me, Faith. You did this. You made me into something weak and pathetic and I'm done!" She shouted the last two words and had the pleasure of watching Faith flinch away and huddle in Tara's embrace. "You're not my Domme anymore, Faith. You don't deserve me." Shoving past Faith and the people clustered around them, she stormed out of the mall.
The sun was bright and blazing. The light disoriented Cat for a moment. She stumbled to a halt. Her skin was sticky, clammy with sweat. Pressure built and she dashed for a trashcan down the sidewalk just in time to lose the remnants of breakfast. When her stomach settled, Cat walked aimlessly down the sidewalk. She couldn't go back to the station house. Not yet. Not with the memory of Faith's pained expression hanging before her eyes. Not with her emotions still teetering between killing rage and despair.
Snippets of memory flickered as she stalked through the Financial District.
"You know, I love talking to you, little cat." Faith's voice was quiet, almost subdued. It filled Cat with a weird feeling. Almost scared. Faith was never quiet. She was always brash and funny or stern. "Tell me more about your family. Your Ma helps out at the school? Why?"
Cat giggled and hugged her pillow (imagining it was Faith). "She said she has to make sure the teacher teaches me all the important stuff."
She'd been eight then. Eight and so clueless. Had Faith wanted a glimpse of Cat's happy home life to offset her own less privileged and satisfying one?
"Why do you think you did something to make Faith go away?" Dr. Blaylock leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. He had a habit of spinning in his chair as Cat talked, as if what she said wasn't really important to him. She knew it was; he was giving her time to answer and the pretence of privacy. "What could you, a child of twelve, do that was horrible?"
Had Cat been wrong this whole time? Had it been something that Faith had done that had broken their bond? She'd said she'd done things. Things that made her afraid to be a Domme, afraid to lose control.
What if it hadn't been any of those things? If Faith's childhood had been as bad as Tara hinted, could something have happened to Faith that caused the bond to break?
Did it even matter at this point? The bond was gone. It clearly wasn't coming back. Cat had thrown the truth into Faith's face and she still hadn't remembered anything.
By the time Cat came out of her whirling thoughts, she'd reached the Harborwalk. It was absolutely frigid as wind whipped off the water. Cat ignored the discomfort and dropped onto a bench overlooking the harbor.
She'd done it. She'd told Faith the truth, and the fact that Faith hadn't known it was the truth wasn't relevant. If anything would have helped Faith remember, Cat's tirade at the Marketplace would have been it. Cat's hopes and dreams were gone.
What was she going to do now? Staring out at the white-capped waves, Cat couldn't manage the energy for a single option. She was too tired. Yelling at Faith had drained her. It was much better to sit here, unthinking and blessedly unfeeling.
Cat sat there until the sun began to sink behind the nearby buildings. Her hands ached and her lungs burned from the cold air. God, she had to get back to the station house. This was the second time in a week she'd gone off the reservation. Fishing in her jacket pocket for her phone with stiff fingers, Cat stifled an impulse to simply walk away from everything. After today, did being a cop really matter?
"You know, sittin' out in this weather'll put you in the hospital," Faith announced from behind Cat.
Phone forgotten, Cat spun on the bench and stared at Faith in disbelief.
Faith's grin was a poor imitation of the real thing. "Close your mouth, tiger. Wind might blow crap out of the harbor and choke you." Dropping onto the bench, she stared moodily out at the water. "You shouldn't have run off, Cat. Not after everything you said."
Cat's heart stopped. No. No way. "Faith?" Her voice cracked. "Do you…"
"All that shit you said, was it true?" Faith didn't notice the way Cat watched her, eyes wide and filled with hope. "Did your Domme really leave you high and dry?"
And just like that, Cat slammed back to harsh reality. Her breath exploded on a sob. She couldn't do this again. She pushed away from the bench and stumbled as cold-stiffened muscles refused to work.
Warm hands grabbed her, held her gently. "Damn it, tiger. Stop." Ignoring Cat's struggles and wild swings, Faith pulled Cat back to the bench. "You're freezing." With an impressive display of strength, she lifted Cat onto her lap. "Stop struggling, damn it. Sit here and let me warm you up. Slayer's run hot."
Cat didn't have much choice with Faith's arms trapping her in place. She stayed as stiff and still as possible, though.
"When you started yelling, you scared the crap out of me. Not like you were gonna take me in a fight." There was unconscious arrogance in that phrase. "But I thought, what if you really believed all that? What if I'd been your Domme and I'd fucked up your life the way I'd fucked up mine?"
Cat had been right. She's really hurt Faith with the truth. "Tara told you what we'd planned?" surely that would have helped Faith deal with her guilt and fears.
A rough chuckle sent Cat bouncing in Faith's lap. "Yeah, after I put a hole in a trashcan at the mall." She held up a hand, showing off healing cuts and bruises.
Reaching for her hand, Cat cradled it carefully. "Oh my God! Did you get it X-rayed? What were you thinking!"
"I thought I'd done that to you, Cat." Faith managed to turn her hand enough to push up Cat's sleeve. "I thought I'd given you this." Cat's red leather cuff peeked out for a second. "Couldn't figure out what I'd done. Where I'd screwed up." Her lips twisted bitterly. "Lots of options to pick from."
In a tiny voice, Cat whispered, "Would it bother you? If you'd been my Domme and broke the bond?"
The arms around Cat tightened convulsively. "It would kill me, tiger. Any real Dominant would rather hurt themselves rather than their submissive." Tilting her head, she peered down at Cat. "Can you imagine Tara's face if she did something and it really hurt me? Or Maura with Jane? And I ain't even a Domme. Dominants are wired funny. They got a need to keep us safe."
Cat's world view shifted. She'd blamed herself for breaking the bond. Then Faith. And, in some strange way, Tara. But Faith was right. No real Dominant set out to deliberately harm their submissive. What happened at the end of a whip or during punishment might hurt, but it wasn't a lasting pain.
Faith shifted Cat slightly until Cat's head tucked beneath her chin. "You never answered my first question. Was what you said to me true? Do you know who your Domme is and she don't remember you?"
There was no way Cat was answering that.
"See, I already know, Cat. You just went all stiff and if I didn't have a death grip, you'd be running away. And today in the mall… Unless you're some kind of actress, you weren't playin'." Faith rubbed her chin over Cat's hair. "You've been dealing with this on your own, haven't you? It's why you've been doing all the stupid shit lately."
Why not? The day was already a nightmare of epic proportions. Throwing good sense into the freezing wind, Cat burrowed into Faith and whispered, "Yeah. Yeah, I know who she is."
"And you didn't tell anybody 'cause you're a stubborn pain in the ass." Faith sounded absolutely confident in her assessment. "No wonder you were slumming in that bar. Jesus." She fell silent, and Cat heard her sigh. "We're a pair, you and me. Got the same self destructive issue."
Cat couldn't stop the wry, mocking tone when she replied, "You trawl for nameless Dominants in bars?"
"Bitch." Faith didn't sound upset. "But you're kinda right. Bars were great places for booze and sex. And if I needed to scratch that particular itch, I'd hook up." The words trailed off, and Cat wondered if she'd pushed Faith too hard again. If the sharing was over. Then Faith continued more slowly and quietly. "After I got Called, I went off the deep end. You can't imagine, tiger. One day you're normal. Dodging you Ma's drunken rages and her creepy johns. The next? You're Superman. Only I didn't get the memo on the whole 'fighting for right' deal. Looked like I was gonna end up like Red Tornado and kill off the Justice League."
Not well versed in the world of comics, Cat wrestled with Faith's analogy. "You said you'd done things. Did you hurt someone? B? Buffy? The girl you were fighting when you bonded with Tara?"
Faith stirred restlessly - and remained silent.
"You know, someone told me recently that you have to let your friends help you." Cat was cautious yet firm. Whatever had happened still bothered Faith. Bothered Faith enough to deny her own Dominant side, to fear actually hurting anyone she played with. "I'd like to think I was your friend."
"Don't remind me I said that." Faith's humor sounded forced.
Tilting her head and peering up at Faith, Cat followed her lead. "Too late. We seem to have these 'heart to hearts' in cold, windy parks. And if you don't take your own advice soon, it will be just as dark today as it was the last time."
When Faith's chin dipped, Cat knew she'd won. She immediately wished she hadn't, when Faith said, "I killed a guy. A human."
It was not what Cat had expected. "What...?" All her skills as an interrogator fled; she couldn't pull her thoughts together enough to ask the right questions.
"It was an accident. Me and B were out Slaying and met some vamps in an alley. It's the best rush ever, Cat. Only I got carried away. Staked a vamp who wasn't a vamp." Faith's shuddering breaths vibrate through Cat. When Faith fell silent, Cat let her sit this time. Her patience paid off. After a few seconds, the tale resumed. "B tried to help, but I wouldn't listen. I'd saved dozens of people; one dead guy shouldn't count."
Suddenly snippets of her conversation with Faith the night after her trip to the Legion club made sense. Faith had told her about pushing people away. This is what she'd meant. "What about the Council?" Or had Buffy covered for Faith?
"They got the same rules as everybody else, just a whole lot worse." Faith was board stiff beneath Cat. "You do something stupid and get reported, it's judicial punishment. Same with the Council only... Slayers got a special bonus because of the super powers. You go off the deep end, and the Council can take away your Slayer powers."
The chill that hit Cat had nothing to do with the winter weather.
"Buffy managed to talk the Council down the first time. Only I kept doing stupid shit." Faith's voice was inexorable. It went on and on; Cat understood. Once the story got started, it had to come out. She turned on Faith's lap and wrapped her arms around Faith as tightly as she could. "There was this guy. The Mayor of Sunnydale."
This guy. Cat had been a cop too long not to recognize "this guy" as a huge piece of the story.
Faith didn't prove her wrong. "I went to work for him. Told Buffy and her Superfriends to fuck off."
It was far worse than anything Cat could have imagined.
"The Mayor, he wasn't so bad. At least, I didn't think so. He took care of me," Faith admitted. "Like I was a daughter. Never had that before. Never had a real family, not one that treated me like I belonged. Like I was good enough. Only then he started doing shit to turn into a demon, and... I couldn't..." Her voice cracked and wavered; dampness dropped into Cat's hair. "He sent me to pick up a special delivery. Part of the 'pick up' was to kill the guy bringing the package."
Cat thought for a moment she might throw up again. "Faith?"
"I didn't, tiger. I almost did. I mean, I was at the delivery site with this sweet compound bow all ready. And Buffy showed up. That's what started the big fight." A hint of laughter lightened Faith's voice. "Started there and spilled out all over SunnyD. Didn't end until T showed up in my head a couple hours later on the roof of my apartment. Things changed after that. Tara got the Council off my ass and made sure I got the help I needed."
"I'm sorry." It was such a pathetic comment. Cat wanted to hold Faith and take away all of that pain. "I'm so sorry, Faith."
Faith curled into Cat's crushing hug. "I'm not." She pulled back and gave Cat a watery smile. "Don't know if I would have found Tara otherwise. She's my life, tiger."
Cat's eyes burned and she blinked rapidly. "She is pretty awesome," she agreed honestly. Tara had certainly shown Cat more care and attention than she'd ever received before - even though Cat wasn't her submissive.
"Now we got to work on finding you someone." Faith sat up straighter, hand tugging on Cat's hair until she had to look up at Faith. "Got it, tiger?"
Staring into Faith's determined eyes, Cat knew that would never happen. "No, Faith. I don't want anyone else. I still love my Domme."
"Even though she let you down? That don't make sense," Faith said. "You deserve someone like Tara. Someone to take care of you." Her fingers released Cat's hair and sifted through the strands. "You were beautiful last night; you can't tell me it isn't something you need more than once in a while."
Heat streaked through Cat and she felt her head tilt into Faith's hand. "Not going to lie to you any more than I would to Tara," she said huskily. "But I can't walk away from the bond. I love her, and it's not ever going to change." More than that, nestled against Faith as she did her best to take care of Cat, she admitted that she also liked Faith. More with each passing day. All that strength so carefully controlled despite her past. Cat felt protected and cherished. How much better would it be if Faith was acting as Cat's Domme?
Placing Faith's happiness above her own sucked. And Cat wouldn't have it any other way. "We should probably get back. I don't want to get permanently stuck on Coffee Duty." She reluctantly climbed off Faith's lap, teeth chattering immediately from the loss of warmth. "I'll even spring for the cab since you kept me from freezing to death."
Faith got up and stretched. "We could get ahead of Jane's bitch session. Stop for coffee on the way back?"
"You're a genius." She basked in Faith's grin at her compliment. "So...I forgot to ask. How did you find me here?"
A shaking head and a big sigh indicated Cat might have done something wrong. "You call yourself a detective, tiger? Ever heard of GPS chips in cell phones?"