In the van, I was blank, an empty canvas. I had no idea who I was, which way was up or down, left or right. I was an obsolete object on the face of this Earth. I knew my head was lying in someone's lap, and I felt them stroke my hair every once and awhile. I was guessing Dimitri, but I couldn't be sure. It wasn't like I cared at this point. When the van came to its final stop, everyone jumped out, except Dimitri and I.
"Roza…" He whispered softly. I didn't move or speak. I wasn't sure I could. "We have to go inside. I need to make some phone calls." I still didn't move. I felt his warm lips on my forehead, before he opened the door, letting a rush of cool air into the van. "Eddie, come here." He called.
"Yeah?" He said. It was easy to hear the pain in Eddie's voice as well.
"Carry Rose to my room, and stay with her. I'll be in shortly; I have to make a phone call." He said, meaningfully. I knew who he was calling. He was calling Landon's academy, so they could call Landon's parents. A fresh set of tears began to silently stream down my face. Eddie must have nodded, because I felt Dimitri pull me out of the van, and lay me in Eddie's arms. When he carried me in, all the novices were standing around, watching. They all had somber looks on their faces, much like all the guardians. He managed to get Dimitri's door open, and carried me in to lay me on his bed. There was always a warm feel to Dimitri's room when I was in here. Now, the air felt colder than ever.
"Do you need something?" I shook my head. He nodded and the room fell silent again. I'd heard people say that silence is deafening, but I didn't understand that until now. "I'm sorry, Rose."
"Don't apologize. It wasn't your fault." I murmured, my voice sounding weak and hoarse.
"It isn't yours either."
"You're wrong." I whispered, my voice barely audible. I don't think I was even talking to him at this point. I was speaking to myself. The room fell silent once more, before Dimitri walked in. He looked to me, lying on his bed and to Eddie, standing in the corner.
"Thank you, Eddie." He said. Eddie nodded.
"Everything squared away?"
"Yes, everything's fine. They said they'd handle it from there." He told him. I guessed that meant it was the academies duty to inform his parents. I looked down at my hands, to see them bloody and bruised. Before Eddie walked out, Dimitri called after him.
"Go get Adrian for me, please."
"No!" I said, instantly.
"What? He can heal you, that way-." I cut him off.
"I don't want to be healed… and I don't want to see him. NO!" I said. Dimitri looked at Eddie, and sighed.
"Nevermind." He told him. Eddie nodded.
"Feel better, Rose." He said, before walking out. I didn't say anything as he shut the door behind him. Dimitri sat there, looking at me.
"Roza…" He murmured. I remained silent. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed, taking one of my bloody hands. "You need to let Adrian heal you."
"I don't need to be healed, I'll be fine." I said, trying my damnedest to sound stern.
"Roza, you're hurt."
"I deserve to feel this pain after what I've done." I whispered. He shook his head.
"No… No, you listen to me. This wasn't your fault. You tried, there wasn't anything you could do, Roza. You did what you could." He said.
"I told him not to come back. Why didn't he listen?" He demanded, putting my face in my hands. Sobbing overtook my body, causing me to convulse and shake.
"Roza, it's going to be okay."
"It's not. If I can't even protect another dhampir, what makes me think I'm going to be able to protect Lissa? A princess? A strigoi target? She'll be taken, just like Landon." I cried.
"She won't. You're going to get better, and you'll be able to take care of her just fine."
"I'm never going to be good enough to be her guardian." I whispered.
"You're wrong. You're amazing, and strong, and oh so powerful. You'll protect her better than anyone else could." He told me. He was so wrong. If I'd let a strigoi take Landon, someone who had been here for me through everything here at the estate, how would I be able to keep her safe? She was more of a target. She'd be attacked or approached more than Landon would have, and she'd die just like him. "We're sending a search party out in the morning, to see if we can find him." Dimitri told me.
"I didn't think-." I started. He shook his head.
"I don't care what the norm is. He was a student of mine, and if I can atleast find his body, I'd be happy with that." He told me. Guardians weren't supposed to send out search parties for dhampirs, specifically because dhampirs die all the time as guardians. I wasn't ever a really big deal. Dimitri obviously thought different.
"You called his academy and told them?" I asked. He nodded.
"And they're going to inform his grandparents." He said.
"His grandparents?"
"His parents have been dead for years…. You didn't know that?" He asked. I shook my head. If I didn't feel bad before, I felt ten times worse now. I just looked away from him. "Hey… you're going to get through this. I promise, you'll get through this." I stared at the wall, not being able to meet his gaze.
"I don't deserve to get through this. Someone's dead because of me."
"It wasn't your fault. If anyone's to blame here, it's me. I shouldn't have let you go." He said. I shook my head.
"Don't start that shouldering-the-blame bullshit. This isn't nearly your fault." I snapped, actually sounding half-ass threatening this time. Tears were still streaming down my face though. He wiped them away, and kissed my forehead. I just looked down.
"I cause bad, wherever I go. I'm always hurting someone, influencing someone to do wrong, fighting with someone, getting someone killed." I whispered. He shook his head and scooted up further into the bed, and pulled me onto his lap; I turned and buried my head into his chest, and cried. He never asked me to leave, or told me to go back to my room. He just held me and let me cry. Eventually, I found myself fading in and out of consciousness. He didn't' tell me to leave then either, he allowed me to sleep right there on his chest, which I didn't object too at all.
When I woke the next morning, my head was still rested perfectly on Dimitri's chest. I moved my head slightly to see him still sleeping. I tried to maneuver myself out of his bed without waking him, but the moment I thought about moving, he stirred and opened his eyes. He looked down at me, and smiled slightly.
"Hey." He murmured softly. I could tell by the way he was looking at me; he was waiting for the waterworks again.
"Hey." I said. There was a silence between us that said so much. I could tell just how worried and concerned about me he was. I sat up, and rubbed my eyes, wincing at the pain. They were dry and sore from all the crying I'd done last night.
"Are you okay?" I nodded once.
"I'm fine." I murmured. He just gave me a look. I maneuvered myself out of his bed, but when I went to stand, my legs gave and I started towards the floor. He grabbed me, keeping me from falling. "I'm fine, I'm fine. Just give me a minute." I stood up, and steadied myself before taking a deep breath. "I'm okay."
"Maybe we should call the paramedic, and have him come look at you, just to be safe."
"You know what they'll tell me? Bandage the cuts, ice the bruises, stay off my feet, and I'm suffering post-dramatic stress, like I don't already know. I don't need a doctor. I'm fine." I snapped. I frowned after I saw the look on his face. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you."
"No… I understand. It's not a big deal." He said.
"I just… I need to go." I said, turning and walking towards the door.
"Rose, wait-." He started. I shook my head.
"Don't follow me." I told him, before walking out. As I started towards the stairs, I saw Adrian. He took one look at me, and I saw the sadness become prominent in his eyes.
"Little dhampir." He murmured. I wanted to cry, and thought I might, but no tears came to the surface.
"Hey…" I said, my voice cracking. He took a few hesitant steps towards me.
"I'm so sorry, Rose." He said.
"Don't be…" I whispered, shaking my head. He looked at the bruises and scratches.
"Can I?" He asked.
"No." I said, looking down. "I deserve the pain."
"No, you don't. Rose, don't say that."
"I just…I need to go to my room. I'm tired and nasty, and… I just want to be alone." I said. He nodded as I started for the stairs again.
"Rose?" He called.
"Yeah?" I asked, wiping the one stray tear that managed to fall.
"I know that you're still mad at me for what I did to Lissa, and all… but if you need me, I'm here. I'll always be here for you, you know that." He said. I remembered what Landon had said to me last night. "Forgive and forget, Rose." and "Promise me, you'll think about it." I sighed, knowing that it's what he'd want.
"I forgive you." I said, simply before walking upstairs. When I was in the safety of my room, I sat down on my bed, and took a deep breath. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Landon was gone. One of the few people I had, one of the few people that put up with me, regardless of all the bullshit and baggage I bring along, he accepted me. And now, he was gone with a snap of my fingers. I still couldn't accept it, but I knew I had no choice. I'd never get to see him again, never get to hear him laugh, or him tell me I was pretty, or go back and forth with our smart ass jokes. I'd never get to train with him again; never get to see the amazing guardian that I knew he'd blossom into. There was nothing. We were nothing now, cause he was gone. It was like everything I'd once known here was ripped out from under me. I finally forced myself up, and grabbed a change of clothes, heading into my bathroom. I stared into the mirror for the longest time, seeing the haunted look in my eyes. It was like I was awake, but no one was really home. I turned the water on in the shower, and got in, letting the hot water wash off the blood and dried tears. When I got out, I wrapped the towel around me, and started to get dressed, when I felt the weight of everything just hit me. I felt myself sinking to the floor, sobbing helplessly. It was what I needed. I just had to get it all out of my system so I could go about my daily life as if everything was perfect like I so often did. I wasn't sure how long I was there, when I heard my door open. I didn't bother getting up, I didn't bother moving. I knew it was either Dimitri or Adrian, and at this point, I really didn't care. When my bathroom door opened, I looked up to meet Lissa's light green eyes.
"Rose…" She murmured.
"Lissa…" The sobbing came even more then. She fell to her knees beside me and pulled me into her. Dimitri stood in my room, outside the door staring in at the two of us, crying like idiots. I was still aware that I was only wrapped in a towel. I was still aware that I was on my bathroom floor, but did I care? Not in the slightest. My best friend was here now, and that was all that mattered. I just held her and cried because it was all I really knew how to do at this moment. Everything was pouring out of me. I wasn't just crying about the loss of one of my best friends, but crying about everything, about all of the shit that was going wrong in my life. It seemed like everything was just falling apart, and losing one of the few people that helped me hold it together made it all come tumbling down on me. When I was finally able to speak, I looked at her. "I'm so glad you're here."
"I knew you needed me." She murmured.
"How?" I asked. She turned and looked at Dimitri, who was still standing in my room.
"He sent for me. He said you needed a friend right now." She said.
"And Kirova just let you go?" I asked, completely caught off guard by the act of kindness.
"Yeah, we'd all heard about what happened, and when Dimitri called and talked to her, she was okay with it." Lissa said. I just hugged her.
"God, I'm so glad you're here." I looked up over her shoulder, and mouthed a thank you. He nodded and smiled slightly, even though I could still see the pain in his eyes.
"I'll leave you girls alone. Rose, if you need me… you know where I am." He said, before walking out. I stood up, and Lissa stepped out so I could get dressed. After I did that, I went out to my room and sat down on my bed beside her.
"Rose, I'm so sorry about what happened." She said. I shook my head.
"Don't be sorry… it wasn't your fault."
"And it wasn't yours either. You need to get that through your head now." She told me. I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell her how horrible I felt because I felt like I'd failed Landon, like I'd failed Dimitri, and like I'd failed her. Regardless of that, I just nodded, knowing she'd argue my case of how it wasn't my fault at all. She looked at all the scratches and bruises on my arms and face, and frowned. She reached out to touch me, but I stood up and away from her.
"No." I said.
"Rose, you're hurt. Let me heal you." She said, giving me this evil look. I shook my head. "Why?"
"Because… I want to heal on my own for once."
"Don't do this, just let me." She said.
"No… Lissa, I mean it." I said.
"If you love me, you'll let me heal you." She said, knowing that always got to me.
"Lissa… NO! I understand that you want to help me, but this is a me thing. Just, don't worry about it."
"How can I not worry about it, you're hurt." She told me.
"It doesn't hurt, and I'm fine. I just need to feel normal. I need to heal on my own." I said, lying about why I didn't want her to heal me.
"You are normal." She said.
"She's anything but." I heard a familiar voice say. I looked up to find Adrian. I smiled slightly at him. "How are you guys holding up?" He asked.
"We're fine." Lissa said, nodding at him.
"Rose, I've been thinking, and I was wondering. Can I talk to you alone for a minute?" He asked. I nodded.
"Sure, uhm… Lissa, do you mind?" I asked, softly. She smiled.
"Sure. I need to go talk to Dimitri anyway." She told me, before kissing my forehead and walking out. Once she was gone, Adrian turned to me.
"How you doing?"
"Skip the crap and just tell me what's on your mind." I said, smirking slightly. It was easy to tell, Lissa being here put me in a slightly better mood. Well, she made it easier to hide what I was feeling.
"I've been thinking about what you said, and about you forgiving me earlier, and I've come to realize that you were right. I had no right to convince Lissa to stop taking her medication, and even if I did, I should have consulted with you first. You're her guardian, and I should have known better." He told me.
"I'm not her guardian." I murmured.
"But you're going to be."
"I don't deserve to be. I'll only get her killed." I told him.
"You're wrong. Rose, you have to move on from this. I know you're upset and it's hard, but you're going to get better, and stronger, and you'll be able to take out anyone who crosses you one day. You're still young. You've got time to improve."
"Adrian, I'm five months from graduation." I said.
"And three of those months, you'll be here. Training your ass off with Belikov. You'll be an amazing guardian, just like your mother."
"DO NOT compare me to that woman." I snarled.
"Whether you like to admit it or not, she's an amazing guardian." He said, shaking his head at my reaction.
"But she's a shitty mother."
"I wasn't complimenting her mothering skills, Little Dhampir." He told me. I sighed. "Come on, let's go downstairs, and I'll make you a cup of coffee, and we'll all talk." He said. I nodded and stood up, following him downstairs and to the kitchen. He went to work on the coffee pot as I found Dimitri and Lissa. They looked up and were silenced at my entrance.
"Do you want some coffee?" I asked. They both nodded.
"That'd be nice." Dimitri said. I nodded once, knowing they were talking about me, since an awkward silence fell over the room.
"Go back to whatever you were discussing about me." I said, before walking out. Everything was so weird now. I could feel the awkwardness. Lissa and Dimitri walked out of his room, and Lissa came into the kitchen. Dimitri walked outside to make a phone call as the three of us sat at the table.
"So, princess, how are you?" Adrian asked.
"I'm doing well, thank you. How about yourself, Lord Ivashkov?" She asked.
"I'm doing well also." He answered her. I heard someone walking down the stairs and looked up to see Glenn walk into the room. He looked from Adrian, to Lissa, then his eyes fell on me. This was not going to end well, and I could already see it.
"Well, what do we have here?" He asked, looking at Lissa. "Guardian Belikov, once again granting your every wish cause you shed a tear on that dead loser." I couldn't believe the words that had just come from his mouth.
"A fellow novice has died, and you regard him as a 'dead loser.' You're a sorry excuse for a man." Adrian said.
"Says the moroi who's had everything in life handed to him on a silver platter. Shut it, Ivashkov."
"Glenn… Leave." I snapped. "Unless you want your nose splattered on your face again, like before." I growled.
"Awe, but you don't have your little loser friend, Landon to help you." He said. I could feel my blood pressure rising. The darkness was bubbling to the surface, and this was going to end badly. I could already see it.
"Excuse me, I don't know who you think you are, but you need to watch the way you talk to her." Lissa told him.
"And what are you going to do about it? I'm sure you're just like Ivashkov. Never done a thing for yourself, cause you're too busy letting everyone else do it for you. Isn't that right princess? " He said. I jumped up from the table, and stood before him.
"Glenn, leave… NOW!" I growled. He took a step back.
"It's your fault he's dead you know. If you would have been stronger, faster, maybe Landon would still be alive, or maybe he would have gotten away and you'd be in his place." He said. My mouth fell open, and tears began to stream down my cheeks. I didn't know what to say or do at this point, cause I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the stomach. It was then; Glenn grabbed his head, falling to his knees, screaming in agony.
"Rose… Rose!" Adrian said. I turned to find Lissa's face had gone somber, and her eyes had gone dark. I could feel it through the bond. She was doing this. She was causing him this pain, and she wasn't planning on stopping. For a second, I debated on letting her kill him. I couldn't let her have murder on her hands though.
"Lissa… Lissa, stop." I said. She didn't. If anything, the power intensified. Dimitri came running in to the screaming.
"What's going on?" He demanded.
"She's given herself to the darkness." Adrian said. "Her aura's gone black."
"Lissa…. Lissa, come back to me. Come on, stop this. You're going to kill him." I told her.
"Good." She said, in a voice that sounded nothing like her own.
"No, you cannot kill him. He's a person, just like all of us. You don't want to kill him." I said, frantically.
"He deserves to die." She said.
"No, no one deserves to die. Lissa, snap out of this." I begged. "Dimitri, get Glenn out of here." He ran to Glenn who was now convulsing on the floor. He grabbed him and ran him out of the room. I could still hear his screams as he ran him down the hallway. I grabbed Lissa's face and forced her to look at me. "Come on Lissa, this isn't you. This is the darkness, come on." I begged, shaking her. The moment she fully met my eyes, the fight drained from her body, and she was my Lissa again.
"Rose…"She murmured.
"Yeah, it's me."
"What just happened?" She asked, her voice barely even a whisper.
"I don't know, but it's all right now." I told her, my eyes falling on Adrian. He looked almost as scared and confused as I did, and I found no courage there. "Adrian, go check on Glenn." I said. I helped Lissa sit down in her chair, and knelt down beside her.
"What did I do?" She murmured.
"You didn't do anything. Everything's fine. You're okay." I told her, patting her knee.
"Rose, what's happening to me?" She asked, tears leaking down her face.
"It was just a lapse in self-control. I have those all the time. You're fine now, and it's gonna be okay." I promised. She just nodded. Dimitri finally emerged from the hallway.
"What happened in here?" He asked. I just looked up at him. As if I didn't have my own things to worry about, I now had to deal with this as well.
"Lissa had a bit of a lapse in self-control." I told him.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. It's just the stuff he said to you was so mean, and I know how upset you were, and I didn't mean to hurt him. I just wanted him to pay, and I just-." She shook her head, choking off her next words with a sob.
"I need to get her back to the academy, Rose." He said.
"I want to go with you." I said, standing.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea." He said.
"I'm going, Dimitri." I said. I met his gaze for a second, and he nodded.
"Alright, let's go." He said. I helped Lissa up, and we headed out to the van, and back to the academy. For the first time all day, I wasn't thinking about the pain of Landon's death.