The ride back to the academy was pretty silent. I sat in the back with Lissa, to comfort her. It was strange how things worked out. She came to the estate to comfort me, and it ended with me comforting her. She laid her head over on my shoulder, and I patted her knee, hoping me being close would give her the strength she needed. I was seriously worried for her. I had outburst, I'll admit but mine just came through more like a bad attitude. Hers was different, really different. I'd never seen anything like that in my life. I'd seen Lissa get angry, but I'd never seen her get that angry that she was ready to kill someone. Lissa wasn't normally a violent person.

"They're going to put me back on that stupid medication." She murmured. I shook my head.

"No, they're not."

"As soon as you tell them I almost killed someone from a lash of darkness, they're going to put me back on it, and I'm going to become a vegetable again. I might as well be human." She muttered, looking out the window. I was quiet for a second, before I looked up at Dimitri in the rearview mirror.

"They're not going to put you back on it, cause we're not going to tell them about it." I said. Dimitri nodded at me once in the rearview mirror, as if he understood.

"What? You're not going to-." I shook my head.

"It was a lapse of self-control. You didn't mean to. I have them all the time, and they haven't put me on any kind of medication yet. There's no need for you to go back on it, and I'm not going to let them put you back on it for something so small." I told her. She looked up at Dimitri.

"Are you going to tell them?" She asked him. He shook his head.

"No, I won't say anything. If word gets back around from Glenn though, there isn't much I can do. I hope you two know that." He said. I nodded.

"I know." I murmured. He'd be too afraid of her to say anything and that was the one good thing about this situation. She put the fear of God in him. I doubt he'll mess with me, her, or Adrian ever again. When we pulled up to the academy, we all got out. Dimitri headed to the office to let Kirova know she was back, while I escorted Lissa back to her room. When we got there, she sat down on her bed, and looked up at me.

"I've never been so angry in all of my life." She murmured.

"I know. Glenn brings that out in people." I said.

"But I'm not a violent person."

"I know that." I told her.

"Is that what you feel like all the time, like you're just going to snap and kill someone?" She asked me. I'd honestly never wanted her to know how I felt when darkness was affecting me, but I knew now the only way to make her feel safe about it, was to tell her.

"Yes… like you wish everything you look at would just burst into flames, because the darkness and destruction of that would make you feel better. It's hard to deal with, but eventually… You'll learn to control it, and just live with it." I explained. She nodded.

"I'm sorry that you have to deal with this because of me."

"Don't…If I didn't have to deal with this, I'd be dead." I said, harshly. She looked away.

"I guess you're right. Rose, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Me either." I admitted, smirking. She rolled her eyes. A few minutes later, Dimitri walked in.

"Everything okay in here?" He asked. I nodded.

"Fine." I said, simply.

"We should probably be heading back. It's already past curfew here, and it's getting late." He said. I turned to Lissa.

"You going to be okay?" I asked.

"I'll manage. I normally do." She said. Those words made me feel bad about leaving her, but regardless… I had no choice.

"Alright." I hugged her tight. "I love you, and if you need me… you know how to get a hold of me. And well, I'll probably know." I tapped my temple, causing her to smile.

"Love you too, Rose. I promise, things will get better. They can't stay horrible forever… you're too good of a person for that." She murmured.

"Good isn't the word I'd use to describe myself." I kissed her forehead, and followed Dimitri out and to the van. When we got in, not a word was spoken. I didn't really know what to say after everything that had happened in the past two days. What did you say when you're best friend was trying to kill people, and your other best friend was actually dead? There wasn't much. I was actually surprised I hadn't broken down in uncontrollable sobs for the second time to day, but I'd definitely managed to hold my own fairly well. Atleast I could say the silence in the van was a comfortable one. It wasn't long before Dimitri turned to me.

"How are you doing, Rose?"

"I'm fine." I answered, simply. He looked to the road and back to me.

"Now, how are you really? Because a little less than four hours ago, you were curled up on your bathroom floor, sobbing. You can feed that line to Lissa all you want, but I see through it."

"I'm… numb." I finally said, searching for the right word. There weren't really words to describe what I was feeling. If anything, I wasn't feeling anything at all, and that's how I was able to keep a hold on my composure. Otherwise, I'd probably be sobbing and blubbering helplessly like I was earlier.

"I see you still haven't let Lissa or Adrian heal you." He observed, reaching over and touching my bruised cheek.

"No." I answered simply.

"You need to let them."

"I want to heal on my own." I said, looking out the window.

"That's not the real reason you haven't let them, and you know it. You don't deserve to be in pain, Rose. You don't deserve the torture you're putting yourself through." He said. I shook my head.

"Just let me suffer, okay. I do deserve it."

"Rose, what happened wasn't your fault. You need to understand that." He murmured.

"And you can tell me that a hundred times over and I'm still not going to believe it. I'm the only one to blame, cause I was there. I could have stopped it, and I didn't. I let it take him when I could have done more. I could have given myself up; I could have fought harder, been faster. Like Glenn said, it's my fault he's dead. Everyone at the estate knows it." I told him.

"They're wrong. You're wrong. He made the decision to come back." I felt tears well to my eyes. If he hadn't come back, he might have made it out of the situation alive. If he'd have listened to what I'd said instead of trying to be the damn hero, he'd still be alive… but no. He couldn't let that happen.

"If I wouldn't have accepted the offer, we wouldn't have had this problem. This whole situation could have been avoided if I'd just told him no when he asked me out."

"Why would you have done that though?" He asked. I didn't say anything, because we pulled into the estates drive way. I turned and started to jump out, preventing him from seeing the tears about to leak from my eyes. He grabbed my wrist, and gave me one of those all knowing looks, but I shook my head and jumped out. As I started for the door, I turned back to him.

"I should have said no, because I didn't feel for him the way he wanted me too. He liked me a lot, maybe even loved me. I didn't feel anything more than a strong friendship with him, and I feel horrible because he's dead because of a lie. I let him believe what he wanted, and now… he's gone." The tears finally escaped as I admitted the lowest, most horrible thing I'd ever done in my life. I'd let someone die believing I loved them too. I didn't love Landon. It was possible I could have in the future, but right now… when we were spending so much time together… I didn't. If anything, I was using his company as a distraction. I still didn't think I was able to admit that part out loud to him yet.

"You can't help the way you feel." He said, softly. I knew he was talking more to himself than to me.

"I let him die, believing a lie, Dimitri. What does that say about me as a person?" I demanded, becoming angry with myself. I wiped my eyes, and looked down.

"It says you're young. It says you're still learning what makes you happy, and learning who you are. You can't force yourself to feel something that is or isn't there. You can't be upset with yourself over something that was completely out of your control."

"If I had any common sense, I would have loved him." I whispered, shaking my head. Here it came, the reasons. "He was the sweetest person I've ever met. He's been there for me through thick and thin. He understood. He listened when I talked, and even when he didn't understand, he tried to sympathize with me. He was the perfect guy, and I just couldn't give him what he wanted, even though I pretended too."

"It'll be okay." He said, softly.

"I'll never forgive myself for this, even if I live to be a hundred. He's dead because of me. He's dead because of a lie." I told him.

"He isn't dead because you let him believe you loved him, Rose. The strigoi had nothing to do with that." He said. I shook my head.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to go to bed. I've had enough death and darkness for today." I told him, turning back for the door. Next thing I knew, a rough hand wrapped around my wrist.

"Things will get better. If you believe anything, you need to believe that."

"I don't deserve better. I deserve what I'm getting. The pain is the only reminder of my mistakes now. I told you once, I'll tell you again. I deserve the pain. I deserve for things to be shitty cause it's the way I've lived my life." I said.

"Roza, stop that." He laid a hand on the side of my face. "You are perfect, and yes you're going through a rough patch, and yes… you made some choices that affected a lot of other people, but that's life. If you don't mess up, it'd be completely boring. People make mistakes… and you're a person just like anyone else. You're amazing, and everything good about the world, and you deserve more than this."

"Life dealt me a hand of cards, Dimitri. How I played them was my own choice." I said, somberly.

"And sometimes… those choices aren't always the best choices, but you made them just the same. You either accept them and move on, or live your life feeling guilty, and full of regret. Don't be that girl who lets things like this rule her life." He said. "You're better than that." I felt my eyes leave his, and trail down his face to rest on his lips as he spoke. I forced my eyes back up to meet his.

"I'm tired, and I just want to sleep." I said, stepping away from him. I walked inside and upstairs to my room. When I reached my door, I heard Dimitri downstairs talking to someone. I wondered if it was Eddie or Adrian. I didn't go down. I changed my clothes, and curled up in my bed. I knew sleep would never find me the way my mind was racing, but regardless, I laid down and tried. I tossed and turned, and tried sleeping with my head at a different end of the bed. I tried lying on the floor, but sleep wasn't coming. I'd known better, so I didn't even know why I tried. Eventually, I got up and headed downstairs. I walked out the backdoor and to the track. I knew the only way I'd be able to get any sleep is if I wore myself out. Well, here went nothing. I started on the fence, and just ran, and when I wanted to quit, I ran faster. My legs were screaming all kind of obscenities at me, but I didn't care. I wanted to sleep, and this was the only way I knew I could do it. When I finally stopped, because I could no longer breath, angry and frustrated tears were streaming down my face. I hadn't realized I'd been crying till I stopped running. I turned and stared out into the trees, wondering what would happen if I just took off, wondering who'd come after me now that Landon was gone. I knew Dimitri would, and Lissa… but no one else. The one person that would have followed me to the end of the Earth was gone. I noticed something move in the trees and when my eyes fell on it, it looked like Landon. My entire body froze. I hadn't seen right. "Landon." I whispered. I blinked hard, once and he was gone. Great, now I was seeing things. I really was crazy, wasn't I? I sighed and turned back towards the estate to see someone walking towards me. Dimitri.

"What are you doing out here? It's cold and it's late."

"I don't care." I said, simply. "I'm going back inside now."

"Wait…You said Landon… did you-?" He asked.

"My minds playing tricks on me. It's letting me see what I want. No big deal, just going a little crazier than I already am. It'll be fine." I said, nonchalantly.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing… I'm just seeing things. I'm fine. It's nothing." I told him. I shrugged.

"I'm serious, Rose. Maybe I should call the doctor, just to be safe. You were pretty shaken up. What if you really do have-."

"I'm going crazy, Dimitri. I'm eat up with darkness, one of my best friends is dead, everything on my body hurts, and shit is falling apart. I can't sleep; I haven't eaten anything since my date with Landon. I've got shit wrong with me, yes…. But it isn't anything a doctor can fix, because it's all in my head, and it's ingrained into who I am. The darkness can't be stopped. The pain of Landon's death isn't going to go away. I have to deal with this. There isn't some magic medicine that can fix me." I told him.

"Rose… I'm not trying to-." I cut him off with a shake of the head.

"I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to help me, you're trying to be the hero, and guess what? That's what got Landon killed. I'm fine on my own, just like I always have been. I know you're trying to help, but I don't want it. The sooner things are back to normal, the better." I said.

"Rose, being by yourself… being on your own won't make it go away. Ignoring it… won't make it go away. You have to realize that there are some things you can't run from." He told me. This anger was building inside me now.

"I don't run from things, Dimitri. I've never ran." I growled at him.

"You're trying."

"You taught me when." I murmured, walking around him. I could tell I confused him when he didn't respond right away.

"What do you mean?" He asked, as I reached the gate. I stopped and turned back to him.

"You told me to run when I'm out of options and out of time… well, I'm out of both." I murmured. I turned and walked back inside, leaving him standing there.