Chapter 39

"Are you thinking The Wonder Pets are bewitched?" My kid asked in curiosity, his fingers were twisting my hair.

This wasn't working out exactly as I planned. It seemed Baseball Boy was amazed by a television program that was geared for preschoolers and taxidermists. Boobs, on the other hand, was only interested in babbling in my ear.

"Do you like writing? We need a reviewer for the school newspaper. I think you would be fantastic!" She smiled. She was always smiling. It was like Baseball Boy and I didn't like it one bit. "Eric Yorkie was our original critic, but people kept writing letters to the editor and making him cry."

Poor Eric. I wonder if intense chess tournaments made him cry too.

Wait...join the newspaper? Was Boobs insane?

"I don't like doing things," I stated. I liked being lazy as a slug. It really is one of my favorite personality traits.

Boobs just grinned. "You'll be great! You don't care what people think about you. I find it admirable."

I find you to be an insufferable kiss ass.

"Angela, I don't do clubs, sports, community outreach, good deeds..."

She just smiled. "You're really perfect for Edward! We were a horrible combination when we dated."

What?

Did I hear that correctly?

Am I in my own private hell?

"I will most definitely join the newspaper staff," I said, without truly examining the ramifications. I was keeping this enemy so close, she would be able to smell the onions I just consumed on my breath.

"Great!" Boobs squealed with a clap. "We should go to a movie! There's a new Kate Hudson movie starting this weekend!"

The only Kate Hudson I could tolerate was the silly former pot head.

"I don't know..."

Boobs kept prattling on, as I heard my kid exclaim, "You made them little outfits with matching fedoras!"

"My dad thought it was whack, but they just kept staring at me. The squirrel looked like he wanted some swag. So I got out Ma's sewing machine and made him a suit. The rest of his crew looked jealous, so I had to make them some fine ensembles. The moose head was hard, so I just put a pirate's eye patch and matching hat on him."

"Can I come over and see them!" Baseball Boy exclaimed with glee.

To quote Jacob Black, I blurted out, "O. M. G."