They'd asked me to stay on St. Vladimir campus overnight to make sure I was okay. I argued with them for hours about letting me go back, but no one listened and even Dimitri agreed that I needed to be held just in case something was really wrong. I knew better. Lissa had healed me, so I knew I was in tip top shape. Adrian had come to see me before I left back to the Estate. He hugged me and told me how happy he was that I was okay. On the drive back to the Estate, I was silent. I didn't really know what to say. Dimitri tried to start a conversation, but I'd say very little and then blow it off. Finally over half-way there, he pulled the van off the side of the road and shut it off.
"Wanna tell me what's wrong with you, or is it going to be like this the rest of the week?" He asked me. I kept my gaze locked outside the window.
"Nothing's wrong with me." I said, simply.
"Roza, look at me." He pleaded. I didn't turn to him. "I am your mentor, and I gave you an order, Rosemarie." The authority rang clear in his voice. Regardless of everything, he was still above me. I turned to him and met his gaze.
"What?" I asked, simply.
"What is wrong with you?" He asked. I sighed.
"Dimitri, everything is wrong with me. There's been so much over such a short period of time; I don't know how to handle it. I'm numb. I don't feel anything anymore." I finally admitted.
"Would you like me to turn around and take you back to Lissa? I feel like you'd be happier there." He said, after a long pause. I shook my head.
"I already told you I want to go back to spend my last week with you."
"But if you aren't going to be happy there, what's the point?" He demanded. I sighed and averted my gaze back out the window.
"I'm not going to be happy anywhere, Dimitri." I opened up the door and got out. "I need some air." You'd think I would have had better sense than to get out of a vehicle in the middle of the night, but obviously I hadn't learned my lesson yet. Dimitri jumped out behind me.
"Roza, talk to me."
"I don't know what more you want me to say. I'm unhappy. I've been unhappy for what feels like an eternity. I have nothing, Dimitri. I have no mother. I lost my best friend… twice. The one strigoi that I wanted to kill more than anything in the world got away. I'm eat up with darkness. I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to protect Lissa, and in a little less than a week… I lose you. Tell me, Guardian Belikov… where do you see something that I should be happy about? That's right. There isn't anything. So, if you want to know what's wrong so fucking badly, now you know." I said. I turned away from him and started walking down the highway. I didn't care that there were cars passing, probably witnessing our scene.
"Rose, stop."
"You were right when you said I run from my problems." I whispered. I knew he heard me because he started jogging towards me, and grabbed my wrist. The moment he touched me, I jerked away. "Stop, Dimitri. Just stop. Stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to make it better. Nothing you can say or do is going to make it go away, so stop pretending that kissing me, or having sex with me, or holding me is going to make all the shit go away, because it fucking isn't." I yelled at him. The pained look that filled his face almost made me feel bad, but I couldn't find the emotion in me. I just shook my head. "I didn't mean for that to be that harsh… I just-." He cut me off with a shake of his head.
"Don't worry about it." He mumbled. "Let's go. The sooner we get back to the estate the better." I had no intentions of getting back in the van with him.
"You go ahead, Dimitri. I'll walk from here." I told him.
"I'm not leaving you out here in the middle of the night to walk home." He informed me.
"Well, I guess we're both walking then, because I have no desire to get back in the van. I need some air." I told him, before turning my back and limping away.
"Roza, please don't."
"See you at home, Dimitri." I muttered, before continuing to limp down the high way. I heard the van door close, and the van start up. I heard him pull back onto the road, and then go flying past me. I was actually surprised that he'd left me out here by myself but at the same time, I was glad. I needed to be left alone, atleast for a little while. It took me about forty-five minutes to limp home from where we'd had our little scene on the side of the road. When the estate came into view, Dimitri was sitting on the front steps, waiting for me, no doubt. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I made my way up to the door.
"Did you walk help?" He asked, when I was within hearing distance. I nodded.
"Yes, it did. Thank you for actually letting me walk." He shrugged.
"I figured if something was going to happen to you, better to let it happen on your terms than mine." He said, smartly. He was angry with me. I could see it.
"You're mad." I said, simply.
"I'm furious."
"Good." I said, before trying to walk up the stairs and around him. He grabbed my arm and pushed me back, keeping me from going inside.
"Dimitri, I really don't want to do this now." I snapped.
"I could care less about what you want right now." He told me. I stared at him, trying to figure out what it was he was trying to do. Normally I was good at reading him, but that guardian mask was hiding everything. He stood up and started towards me.
"What are you doing?" I demanded. When he got close enough, he threw a punch at me. I blocked it quickly and backed away. "Dimitri, what are you-?" I was cut off when he threw a kick straight to my stomach, and I hadn't gotten the chance to block it so I took the blunt force of it. I saw his mask waver for a second because he knew he'd hurt me, but he didn't let up. I had a feeling I knew what he was trying to do, and I just really wasn't in the mood for it. I tried to fake him out and run for the door, but he guessed that'd be my next move and stopped me. I was becoming extremely angry and couldn't stop it. The darkness lashed out of me then. I lunged at him, fighting harder than I ever had in all my life. I caught him in the face numerous times, but didn't let up. I threw out a fury of punches and kicks, letting the darkness continue to pour out of me. My entire body was throbbing, but I didn't let it stop me. There was blood pouring from my mouth from where I'd taken a couple hits to the face as well. Finally, I just stopped. I was staring dead into Dimitri's eyes, and saw the extent of the damage I'd done. He was bleeding, probably worse than I was.
"Dimitri…" I murmured. Even through all the pain he was obviously experiencing, he smiled at me. "Dimitri… I'm so sorry."
"You're better now… right?" He asked simply, completely ignoring my apology. I looked down at the ground, unable to meet his gaze.
"Why did you let me…? You knew how bad it would-." I stopped, not knowing how to finish.
"You needed it. You were going to lose control soon, and better on someone who can take it then someone who can't… like Glenn or Adrian." He told me.
"But… I… I hurt you."
"I'm fine, Roza. You needed this. I knew I had to help you." He murmured. I look up at him, and the moment I met those bruising brown eyes, I hit my knee's sobbing. I'd held it together for so long; I just couldn't do it anymore. Dimitri walked over to me, and sat down beside me, pulling me into his lap. He just stroked my hair and let me cry. He never once promised it'd be alright, or that I'd make it like he normally did. He just let me have my moment. When I was finally able to breathe again, he pulled my bloody face up to look at him.
"I love you, Rose." He murmured.
"You shouldn't." I said, honestly. He smiled.
"But I do, and nothing you can do or say is going to change it, Roza. I promise you that." He told me. He pressed his bloody lips to my forehead.
"I'm a monster. How could you love me?"
"Because everything I want to be, I see in you." He told me, pressing me closer to his chest. I sighed, knowing he had no idea what he was talking about. I'm a monster. I'm a ticking time bomb, ready to explode any time, just like I did today. How could he love someone like me? I shook my head and pushed myself out of his lap.
"I'm sorry I lost it on you like that." I finally said, unable to look at him.
"I staged it, Rose. I knew you were on the edge. Like I said, better to take it out on someone who can handle it." He said, as he got to his feet.
"Yeah, it looks like you handled it pretty well." I muttered, turning and motioning to his bloody and battered face. He shook his head.
"You're good at what you do, Rose. I didn't think I'd come out of it unscathed." He told me, honestly. "I trained you. I know what you're capable of."
"But what if it isn't enough?" I murmured. He chuckled
"Roza, if we would have gone any longer, you could have seriously hurt me. I've taken our multiple strigoi, sometimes more than one at a time. Do you honestly believe you could hurt me that way and not be able to protect Lissa?"He asked me.
"I wasn't able to protect Landon." I murmured.
"But keep in mind, you saved Adrian, you saved Glenn, and Diana. That doesn't go unnoticed around here." He informed me. I sighed.
"I saved them with your help, Dimitri. What about when it's just Lissa and I out in the real world? What then?" I asked.
"You doubt yourself far too much."
"And it's for good reasons." I snapped. I sighed and shook my head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry… I just-." I stopped, not knowing how to continue. I walked over to him and wiped the blood from his mouth. "Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine. I've had worse." He informed me. I just nodded. "Are you okay?" He asked, gently touching my eye which caused me to flinch.
"I'll be fine. I've had worse." I repeated. He nodded.
"I know you have. Come on, let's go inside." He told me. When I walked in, Glenn, Diana, and Guardian Castille were standing in the foyer. They all looked up as we entered.
"What happened?" Eddie asked, obviously taking in how bloody and disgusting we were when we'd just left from the infirmary at St. Vladimirs.
"Nothing… there was an issue, we took care of it." Dimitri lied.
"Were there more strigoi?" Diana asked, her whole body shaking at the thought. The fear on her face made me almost feel bad for her. I shook my head.
"No, there weren't strigoi. I had an outburst of darkness, and I kinda let it out on Guardian Belikov. My fault… We're okay." I told them. Castille's eyes fell on Dimitri. Dimitri nodded at him once to let him know everything was alright. I started towards the stairs when Glenn called after me. I turned and met his gaze. He walked over to me, and wrapped his arms around me. I wasn't sure how to comprehend what was happening.
"Thank you." He murmured. I stood there, frozen for a second, before I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him back. When he released me, I met his gaze and watched a tear roll down his face. "After everything I've put you through and all the awful things I've said, you could have let me die out there. I'm so sorry. I honestly don't expect your forgiveness, nor do I deserve it… but I am sorry, and thank you." I couldn't help but smile at him. I reached up and wiped the tear from his face and shook my head.
"Don't mention it." I told him. As I turned to walk up the stairs, I caught Dimitri smiling at me. I couldn't help but shake my head as I walked up stairs. The moment I made it to my room, I grabbed a sports bra and shorts and headed to the bathroom. I watched as all the blood ran from my body into the stark white tub. When I got out, I stepped in front of the mirror to access the damage done. My face was pretty bruised up and I had some nasty marks on my stomach, but other than that it wasn't too bad. I feared it'd be much worse. When I walked out into my room, I threw the bloody clothes on the floor, and collapsed onto my bed. I expected Adrian to invade my dreams, but this time… He didn't, and for that I was thankful. It was the first peaceful night's sleep I'd gotten in what felt like a century.
A/N: You know what else has been a century? Since I last posted anything on this site. I'm so sorry I've neglected all of my FanFics for so long. Life caught up to me big time, and I've been going through a lot of shit. I'm gonna try and be better about that posting on here now. Anyway, if any of you guys are still with me, here's the next chapter to Walk on Water or Drown. :D