Chapter 44

It was a fact that Emmett's yard was a dangerous place. I was hopping over twisted pieces of metal. There were one eyed stuffed animals creepily staring out of the grass. Every couple of feet there was a rusted husk of an old car.

"My parents would let you use our yard for the wedding," my kid offered.

The giant just grinned. "Naw, it will only take a couple minutes of clean up."

Maybe with a back hoe and some lighter fluid.

"I can get the cars fixed up before the wedding." Trailer Trash Barbie stroked a dented Honda Civic. "Emmie's daddy and momma are giving them to us for a wedding present."

It was an ingenious way to get the pieces of junk off the yard. I was somewhat impressed.

"I still think my house would work better." My kid looked at the dirty objects on the lawn with a grimace. "You won't have to wait to have the ceremony."

"Maybe you should wait until you...oh, I don't know...graduate...get a job..." I tripped over a dirty tricycle and my kid caught me. "Maybe you can save up enough money to have the reception at the playscape at McDonald's."

"I like Quarter Pounders," Trailer Trash Barbie admitted, as she chomped on her gum. I could swear it was the same piece she was chewing at the movies. If I had any inclination or drive I would buy her a new pack of Juicy Fruit or Bubblicious. However, my laziness probably wasn't going to be doing her any favors. With the constant sugar on her teeth, Trailer Park Barbie would be toothless by 26. Looking around me, I could see that without teeth she would fit right in.

"I know how you like to be pounded by my quarters, baby," the giant crooned at his lady. It made absolutely no sense, like this wedding. He turned to me. "I wish we could have it at Mickey D's, little Swan. The Happy Meal toys could be the wedding favors. However, we want to get hitched fast. We are going to have a potluck. Whatcha making, Swan?"

"A box of Triscuits and package of Oreos."

"Sweet!" The giant gave a fist pump.

"I'll be making a pot roast for Bella and I to bring," Baseball Boy announced.

Of course, he was. Wedding kiss ass.

"If Emmie's Ed is going to fight that chick, we should have it be a show for the reception," Trailer Trash Barbie said with a chomp, chomp, chomp. "It's like Ultimate Fighting."

"Rosie, you are brilliant my buxom Meerkat!" The giant started licking her face. It was gross.

"There isn't going to be a fight! Tanya will see my love for Bella. How love conquers all. She will then step aside to let true love flourish." Baseball Boy hugged me to his side.

"You just stated the mantra of every horrible romantic movie everywhere, Sandra Bullock." I pinched his butt and smirked when he jumped. "Life isn't that cheese ball."

My kid just ignored me. "I never took Tanya to be a lesbian! How amazing! It came out of left field. How bizarre!"

"My whole life is bizarre, since meeting you. Up is down. Low is high. Cheerleader of evil likes boobies." I pinched my kid's butt again. I did like touching it. "Did you feel that? Is this real? I would pinch myself, but I like pinching you better."

My kid blushed. "I like you pinching me better too."

A large woman walked out onto the rickety porch. "Emmett Dale, don't you get that girl knocked up until your wedding night!"

"Aww Ma!"

I always wanted to go to a redneck wedding. It looked like I finally was getting my chance.

Trailer Trash Barbie tapped me on the shoulder. "We're looking for dresses at The Salvation Army. I like fuchsia and ruffles."

Never mind, I didn't want to go that much.