AN: I had an interesting family growing up, so...umm...yeah...this...
Chapter 60
They were wrapping Trailer Trash Barbie and Boobs with toilet paper. There was a lot of whooping and hollering. Mostly from the giant's giant mother.
Kate looked at me with a frown. "This would be far more amusing if I was high right now."
"I can see the appeal, Mary Jane. However, Chief Charlie has warned me that Emmett's family is like the Hatfield's and McCoy's. There will be at least one brawl before the day is through. It's best that we keep out minds clear and be ready to hide under a table."
"Is that why your dad is sitting outside in his cruiser?" Kate asked distractedly. Emmett's Aunt Minnie had just stuck a bunch of present bows on her head and flashed the crowd.
There wasn't one ounce of alcohol in the room, unless the guests had flasks strapped to their legs. I really wouldn't put it past them.
I pulled Kate to the window. "Look out there now."
"Is that a paddy wagon?"
"Yes, Mary Jane. It seems any family event that has both the McCarty's and the Sullivan's at it calls for police back up." I gave a tiny smile. "This is going to be great."
"I would think if the men were involved that..." She looked towards a bunch of the older woman shaking their derrières at the vintage sounds of L.L. Cool J. I needed to bleach my brain.
"The women folk are hundred times worse, Mary Jane. Chief Charlie says they're biters."
She looked ill. "They look rabid."
"Indeed." We stood close to a wall.
That's when it happened. Grandmaw McCarty was raising her hands in the air to some old school Sugar Ray that made my eardrums bleed. This motion made her let go of her walker with the tennis balls on the feet. She fell backwards into Granny Sullivan who was slowly trying to wind toilet paper around Trailer's bosom. They started trying to bite each other with the six teeth they had in between them.
Instead, Granny Sullivan bit Boobs. Boobs screamed and fainted. Of course.
The fists were flying everywhere. Cousin Myrtle body slammed Auntie Toots into the refreshments table. Teeny Tiny Dictator's orange sherbet punch went flying. It was like a Creamscicle flood. There were elderly relatives sliding all around the room to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
The potato salad ended up in Trailer's face. She turned fifty shades of red and started whacking her future relatives with a foot long Italian Sub.
A red Jello mold flew towards Kate and I pushed her towards an overturned table for protection. It hit me in the head. I smelled like fake cherries. Gross. Once again, I was taught a lesson about helping others. Protect yourself first.
Teeny Tiny Dictator started yelling in the middle of the room, "All of you are ruining everything!"
They started pelting her with a sheet cake that previously read, Congratulations, Rosie!
Chief Charlie and his deputies ran in wearing riot gear. "Drop the food and put your hands up, ladies!"
As a group they started pelting the police with potato chips. At least they were working together now.
I sighed and headed outside. Just another ordinary day in Forks.