Mothers and Daughters
- June, 2183
Due to a clerical error the Dreadnought Kilimanjaro and some other ships of the core flotilla of the Second fleet couldn't find port at Arcturus and had to be diverted to Terra Nova X57. Batarian activity was high and Admiral Namiki, commander of the core flotilla, ordered one third of the active ships in the flotilla, designated group Bravo, to patrol the systems perimeter and the Mass Relay. The Kilimanjaro, which had been chronologically the most recent to have completed its prior routine maintenance, thus waited at the door steps of the Mass Relay, supported by the Cruiser Nairobi and the Carrier Einstein.
Personnel was maintained at forty percent, with thirty off on shore leave and another thirty assisting logistics and resupply at X57. Hence, the ship was almost quiet in its three shift rotation of the remaining crew when Captain Shepard held command. The fifty something single mother had now begun to replace her flaming red hair with strands of grey, which she kept tied in a hairnet. Despite the lack of crew, the men who served with her knew that she expected nothing less than perfection even on routine patrol duty. While the CO of the ship may have changed from time to time, Hannah Shepard, a veteran of the second fleet, commanded fierce loyalty among the crew wherever she transferred. She was the hidden soul of the second fleet, with commanders of other vessels often clamoring to her call wherever she went. It was probably no coincidence that the Einstein and Nairobi were waiting around in Kilimanjaro's shadow. Despite having a background as a military scientist, she had absorbed the experience of all branches of the naval uniform. Furthermore, with her daughter being a living legend among the marines, the grunts became her adopted children as well. A few COs who couldn't see the value of an omnipotent XO would often come to clash with her, but they usually didn't last long, either shattering themselves upon her singular will of force, or falling in line with everyone else who came to know her.
PFC Dobbs, head held high, as he knew he should be before the XO, strode forward to alert her of a private communications that had just arrived.
"I'm on duty Dobbs." Hannah reminded him. "Respond to whomever sent it that I will review their message in 0400 hours."
This would usually have sunk in, but the identity of the caller dwarfed all others in significance that Dobbs remained persistent.
"It's Commander Shepard of the Normandy, ma'am."
"Oh, hi." Hannah Shepard was in her private quarters in five minutes; the obsidian mind now nervous as she settled down into her seat, wondering what her estranged daughter had called her about, wondering how long they would be able to talk this time. But despite her eagerness to talk to Messalina she found herself saying, "I don't have time for personal calls right now. I'm on duty."
There are times when even audio transmissions can convey the drop in temperature of an environment. Perhaps it was the brief and unmistakable pause that followed, or the miffed tone of her daughter, but despite her cordial reply Hannah could sense that Messalina would rather terminate the communication than continue.
"I know what that's like." Messalina offered, mild mannered. But Hannah knew the tone. It had always been like that when she returned from her long away missions. Other kids had mothers who apologized for picking them up a few minutes late. Messalina had to wait months. Hannah could never figure out when it was her daughter had closed up from her. Messalina had already sealed herself emotionally from her mother when Alan Shepard died, though that event had definitely put the nail in the coffin. It had been a gradual transition.
Hannah had tried to be a good mother earlier in Messalina's life. She had tried to adopt to the life on the station. Reading bed time stories when she could. She had passed on a promising position and a potential promotion to stay with her daughter in the absence of John Shepard. Hannah confessed that it had only lasted eight months before the regret of being side tracked in her career had began to gnaw at her.
Alan had been supportive of Hannah, never one to hold her back. Sometimes Hannah thought Alan loved her more than he did his own son. Once she had overheard Alan speaking to John how he wished that Hannah was his own daughter. John had never expressed being upset about that, rather joked to Hannah that it would have been incestual to continue seeing each other. John was infuriating like that. And somehow, Messalina retained her father's stoic attitude in most instances, but lost his humor.
"Seeing anyone?" Hannah couldn't contain herself.
The girl had grown up without friends her age. Even in her raging years as a teenager, Messalina was quiet and reserved, venting her frustration through the catharsis of the gun range. When Hannah vocalized her concern for Messalina's gun penchant, the girl promptly began a life long love affair with her sniper rifle. It spoke volumes that Messalina had channeled her teenage frustration into becoming one of the best snipers in the fleet by the time she actually enlisted.
Messalina's silence followed. Which was curious, as usually the girl would calmly deny any relationship outright and immediately. Hannah knew immediately that Messalina was indeed seeing someone, and that someone was not a person whom she could easily tell her mother.
"Honey?" Hannah cautiously prodded.
"Do you remember Lieutenant Zabaleta from the Einstein?" Messalina asked abruptly.
The name immediately sprung to mind, despite being an acquaintance of more than a lifetime ago.
"Ernesto? Have you heard from him?" Surely she's not seeing Ernesto Zabaleta! Hannah was suddenly worried. "He was one of the marines who guarded the CIC. We shared a watch. I lost track of him after... there was an incident."
Hannah couldn't outright ask Messalina if she was seeing the man. They barely shared personal inquiries, and to suddenly assume that Messalina was seeing a damaged man thirty years her senior would surely lead this rare personal call into an early grave. She had to eke it out of her.
"You remember the bataarian raid on Mindoir in 2170?" Hannah continued cautiously, adding with a slight mix of dismay, "you were in HIGH SCHOOL."
That failed to elicit a response.
"The Einstein's task group responded to a mayday. The bataarians were still pulling out when the marines hit groundside. Zabaleta was one of the first down." Please don't romantically involved with him, she prayed. "He was never quite the same after."
"Was that why he left the service?"
"Why are you asking me about Ernesto?" Hannah couldn't contain herself.
"For that to have affected him so deeply, he must have been a very sensitive man."
Oh, my god. Hannah almost broke down in tears. She was fond of Ernesto. She had supported him when he needed to talk. Even when he began to drown in his cups, she had lent a hand trying to pull him back. But to imagine her baby girl in the arms of the old alcoholic discharged marine was too much. Guilt pummeled down on her. Guilt that she had kept in check. She had to support Alan and Messalina, she told herself. She wanted to be a good mother, but she had responsibilities.
"Honey, what is it? Why are you asking about Ernesto? Are you seeing him?"
That finally got a reaction.
"He approached me on the Citadel." Messalina told her dryly.
"Approached you? How?" Hannah's heart crumpled like a sheet of thin aluminum foil.
"He asked me for money." Messalina's voice remained unreadable.
"You gave him some money? Did he ask for anything else?" Hannah continued, worried.
"He asked me to remind him to you."
Hannah quickly jogged her memory of Zabaleta. She had always been kind to him. She never thought he would lose all common sense to accost her daughter.
"Tell him to go to the Veteran's affair's office. He needs help, Messalina."
"Okay." Messalina offered no reply, other than that. Hannah had the feeling that her daughter was tentatively waiting for her to terminate the call.
"I... I should go."
"Bye."
The communication went silent, replaced by the crackle of residual white noise. It was so like Messalina to leave Hannah hanging to dry. She wondered if Messalina's stoic coldness held a far deeper resentment to her than she had imagined. Hannah found that she her hand had been trembling the entire time. She closed a fist over her trembling hand, breathing deeply before getting up.
It was a few weeks after that the two women finally met face to face.
Usually her resourceful daughter would have found every means to avoid her mother. But it had taken a Geth assault on the Citadel to finally allow mother and daughter to meet for the first time in five years. The second fleet had been called into assist security of the Citadel, which was a rare honor, following the battle, and Admiral Namiki had practically shoved Hannah off the ship for a long delayed shore leave to see her daughter and attend the ceremony. Due to her injuries, Messalina's ceremony had been delayed for a couple of weeks, and Hannah was able to successfully corner her daughter in Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel.
She brought flowers.
A salarian doctor and an Alliance medical officer seemed to be conversing about Messalina, and Hannah cautiously approached them.
"Excuse me, Doctors."
The grey haired medical officer turned to address her immediately, recognizing her she offered Hannah a bright smile. "Captain Shepard."
"Yes, Doctor."
"I'm Doctor Chakwas, of the Normandy." they shook hands. Hannah was relieved. She had been worried whether she would be shooed away like a tourist. Messalina, who had already become a legend among the marines during her short career, had within a few weeks become known as the 'Savior of the Citadel', with every Citadel government tripping over each other to award her valor.
"How is she, Doctor?"
"The Commander is recovering rapidly." Chakwas assured her. "You can go in and see her right now."
"Does she talk about me?"
Chakwas replied in uncomfortable silence. Hannah proceeded cautiously to the VIP room. There was laughter coming from within. Messalina's low key chuckle mixed with a more lilted tone of another female. Hannah found her daughter sitting upright in bed, her left arm in a sling and her bed sheet littered with candy wrappers. Beside her an Asari was sitting on the bed, reading news clips off a datapad, occasionally unwrapping a piece of candy for Messalina.
The Messalina and the Asari, first not noticing Hannah's entrance, turned to her as Hannah offered a polite cough.
"May I help you?" the Asari asked, as Messalina remained silent: not surprised, but simply regarding Hannah. There was no spite in her daughter's eyes, but neither was there any fondness.
The Asari was beautiful, emanating a Siren's lure which made Hannah always uncomfortable around Asari. She also seemed relatively young, probably still a maiden, but that estimate simply gave her a breadth of three centuries of error.
"That's my mom, Liara." Messalina finally explained. Hannah could almost read her thoughts; Messalina probably only offered the explanation finally after considering that Hannah had no un-awkward reply to the situation.
The relationship was obvious. The proximity between the two, the held hands, the laughter, all pointed to one thing. The Asari was closer to Messalina than Hannah was.
"Hello," Hannah controlled her emotions as she greeted the Asari Liara, extending a handshake. Liara gracefully crossed the distance to offer a warm hug.
"Uh, she doesn't like that... hugging." Messalina interjected dryly, spite finally unable to contain itself.
But Liara simply turned to Messalina with an admonishing look. "She's, your, mother."
Liara led Hannah to the seat beside the bed, preparing to leave the two women alone.
"Don't go, Liara."
Liara understood and took a chair at the other side of the bed.
"It's so nice to meet you, Mrs Shepard." Liara smiled and introduce herself. "Liara T'Soni. I've been helping your daughter aboard the Normandy for a couple of weeks, now."
Hannah, recovering from seeing her daughter and understanding she was now in a relationship with the alien, recovered her composure.
"Nice to meet you, Liara."
"We're seeing each other, mom." Messalina stated.
"I can see that." Hannah replied. So, her daughter was not seeing an alcoholic Veteran but an alien hermaphrodite that resembled a woman. At best, her daughter preferred the same sex, at worst xenophilic. Messalina, not missing a single detail, scowled.
"And?"
"I'm.. happy for you." Hannah smiled a frigid one. Despite her longing to be on good terms with her daughter, all their encounters eventually deteriorated into a mess within five minutes. "Can you please leave us for a moment, Liara?"
"Don't go, Liara." Messalina interrupted, immediately. But the Asari had more common sense and promptly left after planting a quick kiss on Messalina's cheek.
"Be a good girl." Liara said jokingly before the doors closed behind her.
The two women stared out at the Presidium. Huerta memorial boasted the best locale of any medical facility on the Citadel. It was the first human hospital allowed on the Presidum, named after the North American President Christopher Huerta, it primarily serviced only human ambassadors and high ranking delegates of the Alliance. Messalina, of course, was offered it's best room.
"So..." Hannah had to start somewhere, following thirty seconds of watching skycars pass by. "an Asari."
Messalina stressed her companion's name. "Liara."
"Who is an Asari." Hannah persisted.
"I can see that." Messalina retorted evenly.
"Why can't you just find some nice human officer?" Hannah broke down.
"Like Lieutenant Zabaleta?" Messalina offered her mother a cruel smile. Hannah had wished her silly concern had been buried.
"There was this boy, you once wrote of, Kaidan." Hannah jogged her memory.
"Kaidan's dead." Messalina replied with the softness of a mass accelerator. "Besides, he was just a friend. You of all people expecting me to settle down... that's ironic."
"Just let it out in the open, Val." Hannah charged, irritably, picking up the childhood name.
"I dropped the Valeria years ago, mom, if you hadn't noticed." Messalina glared at her mother.
"It was a name your parents gave you, Valeria Messalina."
"I'd like to think you gave me Valeria and Father gave me Messalina." came the vengeful reply.
Hostilities were in the open, now, unmistakable and bristling like an erupted tech grenade.
"So... I'm glad you're finally honest with me, at least." Hannah replied coldly.
"Valeria Messalina," her daughter laughed. "I should have suspected I was an unwanted child when you named me after a Roman whore."
"She was a strong willed and much maligned woman. Heroes are boring." Hannah scoffed. "Would you prefer I call you.. what? Jane?"
"You're so juvenile, mom." Messalina rolled her eyes. "Acting so tough, every time. You know what Ernesto called you? 'Renegade Hannah'. He said you tried to break his drinking habit by tossing him against the bulkhead and shouting at him."
"Shock therapy." Hannah replied coldly. "I have no use for whiners. So that's why you were prying into Zabaleta."
"No." Messalina droned, irritated. "he came to me for money, like a beggar. I think you're the one who broke him, not Mindoir. I'd never leave my crew to the wind like that, while I'm off chasing starships to advance my career."
"Let's just have it all out then!" Hannah nearly screamed. "I was doing what was responsible, you ungrateful petulant child. 'Mommy was never there. Mommy's always gone.' Where do you think a single mother can support her family like I did? Did you ever think of that?"
"Don't delude yourself, Hannah. I DON'T regret you not being in my life. I cherish that you weren't in my life!"
"You're the one deluding yourself, Valery Messalina Shepard. You're the one who became a marine to spite me; you're the one who joined ICT against my will. You know very well what your father's death meant to me."
"I hardly noticed what Father's death meant to you." Messalina sneered.
The doors opened suddenly, as Liara entered with a cup of coffee in each hand. Nonchalantly ignoring that the two women were in each other's faces, she promptly handed each of them a mug and sat down purposefully between them.
"Catching up on things?" she smiled innocently.
The two women were too busy simmering down to reply, both staring down at their mug.
"My mother passed away recently." Liara told Hannah. "We never got on very well. She always expected a lot from me. She was disappointed when I began studying archaeology. She had wanted me to study law or theology. I think she had been wanting to groom me to follow her foot steps in Asari politics."
Liara eyed the two women carefully before settling back in her chair.
"We had grown estranged over the years. We haven't spoken to each other in nearly twenty years. My father had left before I was born and Benezia never talked about her much."
The similarities in how Messalina must have seen herself in the Asari was strikingly uncomfortable.
"Gratefully, I found my passion in life among the ruins of long forgotten civilizations." Liara smiled, unwrapping a piece of hard mint and unceremoniously plopping it in Messalina's mouth. "History has a force of its own. We historians try to discern our own narrative voice from the occurrences in time, but the momentum remains undeniably. It forces civilizations to grow toward certain traits, despite the individual rationale of its constituents. We tend to think we are reasonable beings of intellect, but ever our motivations are deeply rooted in what was past."
A distant hum of a passing skycar harmonized with the dulcet voice of the Asari to Hannah's ears.
"When I last saw Benezia she had changed drastically. She was only a shell of what she was, and deep inside she seemed riddled with some malevolent force I could not face."
Liara reached out and held Messalina's hand. "It was Shepard who told me it was not who Benezia really was. Strange how a stranger can see beyond the shadows that clouded my mind. I had somehow integrated the indoctrinated mind of Benezia with the resentment I held to her growing up. Shepard told me that my mother loved me, and I should see beyond the veil of her final hours. She convinced Benezia, supported her will to resurface again."
Liara reached out and held Hannah's hand as well. "I think that only one who had longed for her mother could truly see the mother inside Benezia."
It was brief, the odd scaly skin, smooth yet alien which brushed Hannah's hand. But as the Asari say, Hannah momentarily 'embraced eternity'.
"I'm grateful to your daughter for allowing me one last peace with Benezia." Liara joined to two women's hands together as she got up and left again.