There are certain things a character just shouldn't do.

Getting online access from Eryn Lasgalen to read fanfiction was definitely one of them. But my father, our illustrious leader, had declared a ban on fanfiction that he considered degrading (unless, of course, it degraded dwarves, in which case it was free to be distributed), and had placed myself and my best friend in charge of the task force.

It was a late night, a full moon, and we'd settled down in our carved, underground flet with assorted snacks and enough of my father's strong wine and ale to knock out a Gimli. This chore always went quicker without a meddling dwarf underfoot, although my ears would be happier without the snores. I swear, my friend could wake Smaug from here, had the dragon still been King in Erebor.

"Look, here's another one!" Tauriel said, spying over my shoulder. "Oh, this should be interesting…"

I snatched the laptop away from her, reading aloud with growing unease. "'A woman always runs into trouble in the real world, but what happens when she goes into another world she knows a lot about? (Don't know who to ship yet)'?" I closed my eyes in horror. "Clearly our definitions of 'interesting' are quite different…" I groaned. "'Don't know who to ship yet?' Who writes these things! With a summary limit of just three hundred characters, you'd think they'd be a bit more concise and well, informative."

"I just want to know where these Sues keep finding the damn portal into our world. What is this, fucking Narnia?" she stewed.

"Bolt the wardrobe shut," I shuddered. "I don't want any of them coming in here." I still had nightmares about the Lord of the Rings fiasco. There was a limit to how many slash/torture/rape/child abuse/Legomance (Worst. Neologism. Ever.) fics one could read before becoming completely traumatized. If you don't believe me, just ask my therapist. I'm sure Lord Elrond would be happy to explain.

"Ohhh…" Tauriel grinned. "You mean like: 'After the war of the ring, a long forgotten enemy, Ungoliant, rises from sleep. Two sisters from our world manage to end up in Mirkwood, and they have a secret. How will the last evil be defeated? How will Legolas and Thranduil react to the sisters? Plot twists guaranteed... T for some sexual content in later chapters ! Romance/Humour/Adventure'?"

"Oh, Eru," I groaned. "It's begun…"

"Or what about: 'Felicity Johanson can't seem to remember what happened to her that landed her in the Mirkwood forest but in order for her to survive long enough to get the answers, she must join forces with Thranduil, Tauriel, and Legolas as they find dark times up ahead. It's easy until affections for Legolas become increasingly difficult to ignore. Legolas/OC'…" she read in a sing-song voice while doing a jig. "Could it be true love?"

"Please. For the love of Valar, take pity and just shoot me."

Her eyes crinkled. "What's wroooong, Legolas? Can't take a little OC romance?"

"I don't understand how this could happen. Again!" I slammed my head down on the table. "I'm like fifteen years older, with eyeliner and digital eye coloring that makes my pupils all ragged and weird. With all the Smauglock and Bagginshield and Fem! Bilbo Thorinduil and Fili/Kili incest nonsense how do these people STILL have a fetish for me?"

"And your father, apparently," she sniffed. "I'm sure if we look hard enough we'll find an incestuous threesome…"

I moaned. Cradled my head in my hands. "Excuse me, I need to vomit."

"With sisters," she continued with malevolent glee. "A foursome and it's doubly incestuous."

"If you keep this up, I WILL write my own fic about you and Kili," I warned her, glaring up through my fingers. "Or Thorin. Or both."

She grimaced, and waved her hands in surrender. "Okay, okay—point duly taken."

"Those were T. Here's a nice little M rating for you," I passed the laptop with no small degree of smugness.

"'Tauriel is confused by the dwarf that is currently in their prison and the feelings she has for him and for Legolas, the Prince she can never have. But as the dwarves makes their escape and she sees Kili hurt, she must save him. She knows that Legolas can never be hers, but what about the dwarf?'" She chortled, breathless. "Is that the best you can do? And to think I have an entire universe of Legolas torture porn fics now at my fingers…"

"Alright, alright, truce already!" I cried. Even Tauriel had no idea how deep my PTSD went, and I had every intention to keep it that way. I valued her friendship. I don't think I could stand her pity.

"I just…I mean, if people wanted to read graphically detailed sex charged torture fantasy with half-bred supernatural creatures, why don't they just read the Song of Ice and Fire series?" I mused. "Or write Danerys fanfiction? Why do they feel the need to rewrite pornography into our source material?"

"Don't ask me," she tutted angrily. "I'm not canon. I wouldn't know."

"Tauriel—" I hadn't meant to hurt her. I just forgot.

But my friend was certainly tougher than I. I don't know how she ever got misconstrued as the soft-hearted woman trope or hopeless romantic for The Desolation of Smaug. Her fingers flew across the keyboard and her lips turned up in a self-satisfied smirk. "Browsing 'Legolas and Bolg Laketown slash fiction'…"

"Tauriel!"