AN: You asked for it.

Chapter 84

Baseball Boy was wearing only boxers. Boxers covered in dragons. He was one fine looking boy.

My kid was trying to unzip the dress that his mother stuffed me in. A deer's head was staring at me with it dead black eyes. Sure they were probably beads of some kind, but they freaked me out.

"I think you're stuck." My kid was struggling.

I glared at the deer. "Are you going to throw my voluminous skirts over my head and get it on? I mean have at it, but I think my participation will be minimal."

"Oh no! We'll get you out!" He was breathing heavily. I thought that was going to happen later. For a baseball star, the kid gets winded easily. "Damn dress!"

"Scissors?"

He gasped. "My mom will kill me."

"It's for the greater good."

The greater good of getting in my pantaloons.

"Indeed it is," he reluctantly agreed. I watched him grab a pair of manicure scissors from his duffle bag.

Really?

"What are those for?"

He blushed. "I want to make sure my nails are trimmed nicely before...I..."

"Stick them in a hole?"

He looked nauseous. "Bella!"

He made some little cuts at the zipper and it came down finally. "Just some string stuck in the zipper. Whoa!"

I had turned to face him in the underwear I picked out. I hated it. It was frilly and my mother had picked it out. The things I do for this kid.

My kid's eyes bugged out of his head. He proceeded to faint.

He was still breathing, so I threw on a comfy robe. Then I ordered a pizza.

I stuck a pillow under Baseball Boy's head.

I watched a rerun of Fresh Prince of Bel Air until the pizza arrived.

The woman who delivered the pizza took one look at my kid and just shrugged. I'm sure she's seen worse.

Twenty minutes later, my kid sat up looking confused. "Where am I?"

"Want some pizza?" I flashed my breasts at him. Down he went again like the mighty redwood.

I tried to rationalize it that I wanted to eat another slice and finish watching Seinfeld, but that would be a lie. I was just nervous.

Ten minutes later, the king awoke. My boobs might be losing their powers.

He crawled to the bed, looking cute and sleepy eyed. Climbing up next to me, my kid wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head on my chest. "I'm so sorry!"

I patted his head. "It's...umm...fine. Night's still young and all that."

He grabbed my face and kissed me. Yikes.

He grabbed my breasts and squeezed. Hard. Yikes.

"Is that okay?" He looked worried.

"Let's get it on, kid."

He looked shocked. "Okay."

I took off my robe and those eyes got big again. I had taken it all off. "Are you going to faint again?"

"No," he squeaked.

I took a deep breath. "Lose the boxers."

He wiggled them off and that thing was huge and standing at attention. There was no way that could fit in small holes. Oh lord...what was I thinking.

"Umm...should I light candles?" He looked panicked.

I shook my head. "With our luck we'll start a fire and have to run out of here naked."

"Oh right," he agreed. "So should we kiss? We're good at that."

Indeed we are. Best to start with what works.

Unfortunately, nervousness made us both a bit slobbery. Also, our hands weren't quite fondling. It was more like awkward pats on each other's skin.

"Should I stick it in?"

What? The giant trouser snake? His flesh colored pickle? The impaler?

"What?" I asked aloud.

"My fingers." He sort waved them at me.

I gave a tiny smile. "I guess."

Those magic fingers lost their sparkle, because he was sort of jabbing me. "Is this..."

"Slower!"

"Oh right! Sorry!" He moved at a better pace.

I was starting to like it. A little. I even gave his plumbing tubing some thank you rubs. That's when I felt another finger go towards the black hole. No!

I grabbed his face. "What did I tell you? It's an exit!"

"Sorry! I was in the moment!" He cried.

I kissed him, because he was still so adorable.

"I think we should just get this over with," I suggested.

"That isn't very romantic!" He was such a girl. A handsome girl with a frightening cock-a-doodle doo.

"Oh right. I love you and you make me so overwhelmed with the love that I need your love to love me. Does that work?" If he was expecting a sonnet, he would be disappointed.

"You love me!" He cried,"I love you, too!"

Thanks for the FYI, Sherlock.

"No! I forgot condoms!" He looked panicked.

"I put some on the nightstand," I said, as I handed him a foil packet.

He kissed me and smiled. "You got us condoms! You're amazing!"

"You mean your mother is amazing. She gave them to me."

"That's disturbing!" He was looking freaked out again.

"Eye on the prize, kid! Stick it on!"

It took him four packets until he got it on right.

He looked me in the eyes and smiled. That's when he just jammed that huge trunk in my hole. The pain! Oh my god! It hurt!

"Does it feel good, baby?"

I was too freaked out to reprimand him for the idiotic term of endearment. He moved slowly and I didn't know what to say. I was drier than the Sahara.

He started moving faster. My head knocked hard onto the headboard. Love is pain. It hit again.

My leg was getting a cramp. "Edward...Edward...my leg! Oww!"

His smiled down at me. "You said my name! You do love me!"

I said his name? Huh? Was he almost done?

He did twist a little that eased the pain in my leg. His fingers started squeezing my breasts. That wasn't too bad.

My head hit the headboard again. Never mind.

My mother's Harlequin novels lied. Love between virgins wasn't magical. I was going to sue those lying smut peddlers. At least, my kid was having a goo...

His face looked weird. I think he was having a seizure.

"Oh...oh...goddamn...fuck...Bell...mother fucking love!" He also had developed Tourette's Syndrome.

"Bella, baby, yes! Marry me!" He screamed.

He collapsed on me. I was trapped.

I looked at the clock. Six minutes? That was only six minutes?

"Bella, I love you so much!" He kissed me.

I did love his kisses.

"Let's do it again!" He said with happy eyes.

Oh no.

It has to get better, right?