Chapter 86
"It was a constant, 'Going for the gold!'. He said it over and over again, girl!" Kate groaned and buried her head in my pillow. "It was like I was in some bad sporting event. Garrett wasn't go for accuracy, just speed. My lady parts feel like they've been in a war zone."
"Mary Jane, I understand." Really I did.
We were sitting on my bed and complaining. Boobs and the Dictator just stared.
"He keeps trying to corner me, girl!" Kate grabbed my hand. "He's gotten friskier! I've been hiding in the bathroom."
"Kid followed me in there," I admitted. "Supposedly, sex in a stall is romantic if you love each other."
Kate looked at me in shock. "What did you do?"
"I poured my water bottle over his head. It cooled him off quickly."
I think he found it charming. He called me his sassy minx. My kid has gone insane.
"You two did everything wrong!" Teeny Tiny Dictator complained. "It takes research and preparation!"
"Watching porn, Alice?" Kate asked in confusion.
Dictator sighed. "No, Katherine! Research about female lubrication and stimulation would make your first times so much more pleasing."
This conversation was creeping me out. Sex education from the Teeny Tiny Dictator was just horrible. Words like lubricant and stimulation made me think of her doing things with Cheech.
She kept on blabbing, "Jasper is a sensitive lover who..."
I grabbed the pillow Kate was using to cover her ears and put it on mine. Survival of the fittest. My brain could not handle imagining the slowest and bossiest love making in the world. There was probably Rusted Root playing on the stereo and Cheech's really slow thrusting. Dictator was probably directing ever action to the second. I imagined her saying, "Two pulses, Jazz. Pull back a little. Kiss my neck."
"...the key of communication is speaking your truths and..."
Why was she still talking?
Boobs chimed in, "Jamie wants to wait for us to be married. After I finish college, we'll be getting married. He's coming with me to Boston!"
"Harvard?" I asked.
"Of course! Are you going there too?"
Not anymore.
"Nope."
Trailer Trash Barbie plowed into my room with a look of determination and a trash bag. "Alice texted me, ladies. It's time for a sex intervention!"
No. Please no.
Kate squeaked as Trailer pulled out bananas and tiny tubs of play dough.
"What color do you want to make your vagina with, Bella? Purple?" Trailer asked. She brought the Play Dough variety pack. Oh god.
"What are we doing with the bananas?" Kate asked.
Trailer made a crude gesture with her hands and wiggled her eyebrows. "Penetrating the play dough."
She was nuts.
Dictator looked up from where she was manhandling the pink play dough. "I think Bella needs the black. Look at her thunder face, Rose! It will fit her mood."
Boobs tentatively asked, "Jamie and I will be waiting, but I was wondering..."
"Yes, Ang?" Rose inquired sweetly.
"Can you teach me how to do a proper blow job with that banana?" Angela smiled.
No!
Kate whispered, "Girl, we need to escape! I'm sure we can figure this out on our own!"
"Yes," I hissed.
That was when my father burst in holding a tray filled with sodas and snacks. He really enjoyed that I had people to spend time with that were not on the television screen.
"What the hell?" He cried.
I could see why. Trailer and Dictator were jamming bananas into the play dough and giggling like loons. Angela was cramming a banana in her mouth and humming loudly. It was all sorts of wrong.
"Hey Mr. Charlie! We're doing some arts and crafts," Trailer said, giving him a saucy wink.
Chief Charlie looked like he was going to faint.
Annie Oakley had to pick that moment to wake up. "Play dough vaginas! Play dough vaginas!"
Kill me now.