Chapter 87 (EPOV)

"I think if we just tried again, it would go so much better!" I explained. We were all crammed in Emmett's tiny bedroom. He had spread all of his Playboys on the floor and was trying to teach us about women.

"You need to wet those girls' whistles, boys! If you want yo lady's pussy to sing, then lick that thing!" Emmett sang off tune.

Garrett frowned and shook his finger at Emmett. "That is literally the most offensive song ever, Emmett McCarty! You should write the girls an apology letter for being a Cro-Magnon!"

"My dick is a magnum of pure pleasure!" Emmett pointed to his crotch and wiggled his eyebrows.

Jasper looked up from laying face down on Emmett's unmade bed. It smelled funny. Emmett was a pig. I wonder if he would let me clean his room, before he developed a filth fungus. "Dudes, the ladies need to be wooed. Love making, man, is an expression of...of..."

He erupted into giggles. I think he was going to be permanently baked forever.

There was a knock on Emmett's door. He jumped up and accidentally kicked Garrett in the head. "Emmett McCarty! Watch out!"

"Gentleman, I knew you two would be two dense to take my advise on knockin' da boots! I called in the reinforcements!" He swung the door open to reveal a scowling boy with dreads. His dark skin was accentuated by his pink button down. It was a nice look. "This is my frenchy friend, Laurent. He is an exchange student from France, so he knows about seduction and nude beaches."

"Zee female body is a bootiful thing," Laurent came in and held out his hand to Emmett. "Zee payment I asked for?"

"Oh right!" Emmett handed him a bag full of chips and Mountain Dew. "Teach the boys, you froggy master of desire!"

Emmett was the last person ever who should be in charge of diplomatic relations between nations.

"Excuse my friend Emmett, he doesn't think before speaking. I'm Edward Cullen. Captain of the baseball team and secretary of the Society of Knightly Games." I held out my hand.

"I'm Garrett, the president of the Knightly Games and pitcher of the Fork's Baseball Team." Garrett just had to bring up how he won the presidency. I think he bribed Emmett to vote for him with pickles. That guy would do anything for a tasty pickle.

I ignored Garrett. Laurent refused to shake my hand. It must be some international thing. "So you're new to our country? It's interesting that they would send you to Forks so close to the end of the school year."

"I's veen here since September."

Oh. Umm. Oops.

Jasper giggled and pointed to Laurent's hair. "Cool dreads, man! You listen to Counting Crowes?"

The giggles started again.

"Let's get started, you zilly Americans." Laurent pointed to me. "Zee will let me watch you zeduce your lover."

What?

"You want to watch me make love to my Isabella?"

"Oui!"

"No!" My lady was for my eyes only.

He pointed to Garrett. "Oui?"

"That is literally the worst idea ever. I would let my Kate Hudson gut you like a fish if you even tried."

I grinned at Garrett. "Our girls are feisty!"

"Indeed they are, Edward Cullen!"

"I wish I was allowed to watch!" Emmett exclaimed. "Those four would make a hilarious and awkward porno."

Jasper looked up in a daze. "It's all about the lube, man."

We ignored him.

"Em, get zee dolls!" Laurent demanded.

Emmett pulled out a shoe box full of toys. "G.I. Joes, more than meets the eye!"

"I want to play with Hawk!" Garrett grabbed a figurine. "He should get it on with Lady Jaye!"

"No! Scarlett's hotter, dude!" Jasper disagreed.

I just held up a guy in the mask. I would prefer knights and maidens to soldiers. "What are we going to do with these?"

Laurent grabbed to random Cobra Commandos and made them do disgusting things. "Zhis is how ze does it!"

"Those are both boys! My Kate Hudson literally cannot twist her body that way!" Garrett looked disturbed and confused. I could understand.

"Bella would break in half! Should we switch to female characters?" I asked.

Laurent groaned. He grabbed Lady Jaye and Scarlett and made them start making out. It was pretty sexy. I started imagining Bella and Kate...

"That won't work either!" I exclaimed. "Boy and girl! Girl and boy!"

"Zee threesome?" Laurent added Snake Eyes. That made my mind go to even dirtier places.

"No!" Garrett and I yelled. We both were adjusting our pants.

Emmett laughed. "I likey that idea!"

Jasper sighed. Loudly. "Lube, dudes. Also, be confident. When do you feel your most confident?"

"When I'm in breeches and I'm king!" I exclaimed, puffing out my chest.

Garrett cried out, "When I am a knight rescuing the damsel!"

"Man, I think you both got it! Don't forget the lube!" Jasper had another giggle fit.

"Fuck this, Emmett! I thought you said they would fucking but this shit!" Laurent complained. The French accent had disappeared.

"You aren't French?" I asked.

Laurent rolled his eyes. "Hell's no, bitch! I'm from New Jersey and named Larry!"

"Oh." Garrett said.

"I'm the only black kid in the whole damn school and you guys never even noticed me!"

I took his hand. "We've noticed you now. You're our friend."

"You all are some weird, fuckers!" Larry stated.

"We are indeed. You are one of us now." I smiled my charming Cullen smile. Larry relaxed. It worked every time.

"Lube!" Jasper giggled again.

Ahh yes...the lube. I had a kingly plan afoot. Victory will be mine!