AN: So...yeah...

Chapter 88

My attempt at being grounded didn't work. My mind wandered to how I ended up at King Edward's court.

"Bella, kid..." Chief Charlie let out a long suffering sigh. "I know you aren't sneaking out at night to be a stripper."

I tried to show him some of my fly dance moves. He fell down laughing.

"What's wrong with my dancing?" I huffed.

"You...you...it's like...oh god...too funny...I...I...," he struggled to take a breath. "A zombie going after brains!"

That man need to stop being obsessed with George Romano movies.

"You shouldn't say that stuff about your kid," I admonished.

He sat up, still chuckling. "Where do you think you get those fly dance moves from?"

"Renee?"

"Exactly! I didn't marry that train wreck for her fancy feet moves." Charlie pulled himself up into his chair. "Go out and have fun with that nice boy."

It was time to lay my cards on the table.

"That boyfriend of mine is a sex fiend, Father."

My father was back on the floor laughing hysterically. What the hell?

"I'm...I'm...more worried... about you corrupting that the poor boy!" He erupted into more mocking laughter. "You'll...you'll...be the death of him!"

Obviously, telling the truth doesn't amount to much in these parts.

"Do you like your ravioli?" My kid crooned.

Not really. I hate ravioli and mushrooms grow in poop. Not a big fan.

"It's fine."

He grabbed my hands. I forgot to mention he was wore a crown upon his head and a pair of leather breeches. Those, I must admit, I kind of liked.

"Darling Isabella of the Swans of Forks," he said lovingly. Oh lord, this was ridiculous. "I was mentored by Jester Emmett and Larry. Who was formally, Laurent the fake exchange student of Forks..."

"What?" Who the hell was Larry and why is any advice ever taken from the horny giant? "The giant is not allowed to give advice ever!"

"Never mind, my sweet love, for Sir Jasper has taught Sir Garrett and I the ways of amore!"

This is even worse. Getting advice from the burnout.

"First, I need to be comfortable and relaxed. To listen to your needs," he explained.

That was surprisingly sage advice.

My kid continued, "Jasper also gave me this."

He threw a tube on the table, next to my plate.

It was lubricant.

"Oh."

"I'll glide right in!"

"Oh. I...I..."

Was practically speechless.

"You're done, right?" He asked.

I suddenly found a new love for mushroom ravioli though my stomach was flopping around like a beached whale.

"Umm...I..."

"Cool!" He exclaimed and grabbed me up. Carrying me into the house, he was kissing all of my skin he could find. He was too busy kissing and not looking, so he tripped a couple of times. "You're my destiny!"

"You're parents?"

"In Seattle for a romantic trip!" He said, rushing up the stairs.

Eww.

"Alice?"

"Spending the night with Angela." He threw open his bedroom door.

I smirked. "You mean she's with Jasper."

"Gross!" My kid yelled. "Don't distract me!"

He tossed me on the bed. "I shall ravish you, my queen!"

Oh damn. That was hot.

Clothing went flying. His mouth was everywhere and I started twitching. Was I having a seizure? It was a really great seizure.

With a mouth on my boob and his fingers exploring inside me, I felt like I was going insane. I was a bundle of happy. I hated happy.

I pulled his dick, as my body became a quivering mess of sweat. That's when I felt wet. Oh my god...I peed!

My kid pulled his fingers out and licked them. Well that was gross. He quickly threw on one of those for her pleasure jimmy hats.

"I guess we don't need the KY, my love!" He exclaimed. What? "I'm entering your fortress, my queen."

Damn it, that giant snake slid right in. It felt super. I was going insane. I just used the word super.

He started pushing in me and yelled, "Long live, Queen Isabella! Oh god, girl! You rock my kingdom!"

My nails raked into his skin. I liked hearing him hiss. It was yummy. "More, my King! Give me more!"

And he did.

Clutching my butt, which at the moment didn't make me spiral into an angry feminist rant, I grabbed his too.

"Say it, baby! Say it, baby!"

I really hated that term, but my mind was absolutely obsessed with riding his pony.

"I pledge myself to, King Edward!" I screamed. I was feeling that weird sensations of twitching and brainless elation.

"Oh yes! Marry me, Queen Isabella!" He screamed. "I'm coming!"

"Fuck yes!"

Wait... did I just officially say yes? What I think it was an orgasm induced yes. That didn't count, right?

It didn't matter, because ten minutes later, as I was curled up in his arms all sweaty and stinky. I was horny again.

I climbed on top of him. "Round two, buckaroo!"

"I don't think I'm ready!" He exclaimed. "Let's cuddle!"

"Sorry, Wild Bill!" I bit his ear. He smiled. "Your lady is ready to ride that bull."

He made me a sex manic. That's a fact.