AN: Today's my anniversary. I wore a pretty white dress and got tipsy.

Also, Curve Ball is in the poll at The Lemonade Stand. If you are so inclined, you can vote for this story or the actual amazing ones on this week's poll. tehlemonadestand . com. (It actually is teh, not the.)

Enjoy. (Three chapters left. There will be a college sequel.)

Chapter 97

They made me sit up front. The bastards.

My nose itched. My butt hurt because I had to sit on a hard, rusty, folding chair. My leg was asleep. I was looking down at James Taylor giving me or the principal the middle finger. Tanya was wiggling her tongue at me. I wonder if Larry discovered her true personality and gave her the boot. It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

This was a hell that was personally designed just for me.

Of course, to make things even worse, Michael Newton's long-winded father was giving the commencement speech. There were so many things that would be more interesting than that man extolling the virtues of hard work and being a model citizen. Like watching paint dry. A documentary on blades of grass. My father discussing the best way to catch a trout while stuck on a dingy in the middle of a pond. Things worth doing, unlike listening to this blowhard.

I closed my eyes and thought of my kid. Naked.

He was sitting at a hard wooden desk. I had a wooden ruler and whenever he'd mention the King Arthur and the Round Table I'd give him a gentle tap of my ruler. He'd smile and lick my knee.

This relationship was making me a depraved individual. I kind of liked it.

"Miss Swan," I heard a voice say in my ear.

Was it dream Baseball Boy?

"Miss Swan?" A hand tapped my arm.

I swatted it away. "Sleepy...naked kid..."

"Miss Swan! You need to speak!"

I opened one eye and saw the principal staring down at me. Damn it.

That was a nice nap. Stupid graduation.

I stood up and shook out my leg. My foot didn't get the memo about waking up, obviously. I hobbled to the podium.

The sun was bright in my eyes and reflected on the mustard yellow gown that was supposed to resemble gold, but was best described as baby poop.

I took a deep breath. "The majority of you will be living back at home in a couple of years. That's a fact. The economy is in the crapper and most of you have the brain power of a box of rocks.

Nothing I say will be inspirational in the least. I don't like this graduating class. I take that back. I can count the names of the ones I like on my hands and even that lot give me a migraine. The rest of you? Not so much. You all could tumble into a ditch and I would just sip a soda and lounge on a lawn chair watching the hysterical antics of you rocket scientists trying to get out.

What I'm trying to say is...basically...umm...I'm pulling this whole speech out of my ass. Life is messy. Leaving this land of tater tots and stinky gym lockers has prepared you for absolutely nothing. It should take you about four days to figure out the fry machine at the local fast food joint. Give or take.

You're all going to be small fishes in a large ocean. I have a list of you that I cannot wait to be taken down a peg. I'm looking at you, Denali. It will be my pleasure to watch all the bigger fish step on your heads. The lesson here? Learn your place, cheerleaders. You'll be barefoot and pregnant in no time. The football team will be drunk and sporting mullets.

Am I trying to be mean? Yes. I'm also trying to school you in the facts of life. You won't thank me now, but you'll be cursing me less in a few years. You can, however, blame our school officials. I told them to have Boo...Angela Weber do the speech, but they made you suffer through this. Probably to teach me a valuable lesson about school spirit, but I think there was a bigger lesson learned this day. Never trust Bella Swan.

Now children, parents and assorted gawkers, I bring you today's entertainment. Giant, shake that money maker."

Giant ran across the stage and dropped that robe. To my utter amazement, he was wearing a speedo that read, Class Clown. He started juggling tubs of peanuts. It was thrilling.

I looked to see my kid staring up at me with his mouth wide open. I wasn't surprised to see a bug fly in that gaping hole. I watched as he tried to spit it out. He should know better than to be surprised by my antics. Silly, pretty boy.

Today was the best day of high school ever, probably because it was the last one.

I wondered if kid would be up to a janitor's closet visit? That would be a graduation gift to remember.