CHAPTER NINE

Aftermath: Surviving the Fire

It was dancing in beauty and rhythm, glistening in the night, shining through the blackness. I was transfixed and horrified at the same moment, trembling in awe and in fear, breathing in smoke, and falling to my knees. The world seemed to stop, to slow to such a degree nothing moved. I thought maybe, the sky shivered. Or perhaps that was the heat floating above what had once been my house.

Everything was in flames. The house was alight and burning, timbers tumbling and the heat absolutely overwhelming. I felt sick to my stomach as I crawled out of the van in shock, watching my house burn away.

One by one, I heard the others leave the van, and when my brother stepped out, his lips trembling and his eyes wide he raced past me screaming, running to the house we had grown up in.

"Jamie!" I shouted after him and my voice fell on deaf ears. Stumbling, I tried to stand and go after him, but in my dazed state, my shoulder hit the car door. As I groaned and fell, Sephiroth came up behind me.

Kadaj was racing after my brother into the flames, determined and dead set. At that moment, when I saw the red flames reflect against my brother's hair the idea that all that I had left of the life before my mother's death was up in flames sank into my mind. I shivered and caved, shrieking in agony as I curled up, clutching my knees. I felt Sephiroth's arms around me, and in horror I looked back to the flames.

Something was moving within them. With all my heart I prayed my brothers were all right. Later, I would look back on that moment and think, that was the first time I truly thought of them as brothers, the first time I admitted it without blushing or embarrassment

It was true; they became my family.

A form came from the flames; and in his arms he carried my brother, and in all his stoic strength and silence I shook with surprise. As his face lifted to look up, I realized how alike Kadaj was to his brother. The scene was almost a replay of Sephiroth at Nibelhiem.

Gently, Kadaj set my brother unconscious in Loz's arms, and immediately rushed back into the flames. Yazoo was behind him, as Loz carried my brother to the car. I didn't realize it, but I was screaming myself hoarse. I only noticed it when Sephiroth's gloved hand came over my lips. It seemed like slow motion as I watched Yazoo and Kadaj disappear back into the flames.

It was official. Everything had changed. There was nowhere to turn and nowhere to run. There wasn't any place to look to for normality. My life was a question; my destiny a misguided, unknown dream of a thought. All I had was an old gray van, 17 dollars and a packet of bubble gum, along with four hungry mouths to feed. They were all I had left; my family. I sobbed as I curled towards the ground and trembled.

My old life went up in flames.

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Cloud.

Cloud.

Cloud.

There were a lot of funny looking clouds. One reminded me of Jamie's haircut, and another sort of looked like the liberty bell. There were a lot of puffy, white clouds in the sky, and I traced them with my finger on the window as they sped by.

Crystal was in the driver's seat, and it was very early in the morning. No one had really slept, except for Jamie, who'd been out like a light for a while. Ever since he'd rushed into my burning house… my body shivered at the memory. I tried to suppress it…I would deal with it later, when I was alone.

Jamie's crazy mat of hair was in my lap, and absentmindedly I fiddled with it. I cannot in words truly do justice to what I was feeling; it was like drowning, coming up for air. It was as if I'd just come out of the water, hacking and coughing, still in shock, unable to believe what had happened.

I tried to keep from thinking, because as soon as I thought about anything, my thoughts would drift back to the house. So I kept counting clouds. One of them looked like a tree, and another like a big pie, which made me rather hungry. The last one looked a lot like my house.

Or maybe that was just me.

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"Come on guys, get out"

We stopped at an old Holiday Inn, in the middle of nowhere. In metaphorical terms that's truly where we were in life; nowhere, absolutely nowhere to go and nowhere to return to. My legs shook and I struggled to stand, but I kept moving.

Kadaj and the others had managed to save some things from my house; my backpack, full of writing materials, some of my books, a bit of my savings in the closet, some clothes, even some food, and water. Most importantly, Kadaj saved what my brother had ran in for in the first place; the old box in which we kept my mother's things, a box that was now caked with dust.

Stumbling into the old Inn, I stepped up to the front desk. "We need some rooms for the night" I began. "There are eight of us."

The woman typed away on her computer. "We have two rooms left, one double, and one master. We can give you those if you'd like."

I knew immediately who would be staying in the master with me; and I knew that meant there was no way he'd like me close up and hide away like I wanted to. But I agreed with the woman and handed her a credit card. I didn't care if I couldn't pay the bill; if luck was on our side, I wouldn't be around for long.

That was my plan; it was all I had left. To go to Gaia.

We all tiredly filed up the stairs towards the rooms. Behind me I heard Loz and Yazoo bicker about who would sleep on the floor.

"Crystal and Jamie get the beds, and you two can be the gentlemen and sleep on the floor." I told them, stepping out into the hallway. Loz pouted, and my brother did as well when he realized I called him a girl.

I handed Crystal her key card to the room. Her eyes were pitying and sad, but I just smiled and turned to my room. Over my shoulder, Sephiroth gave Crystal a supportive look, and with a sigh, the woman left me in Sephiroth's care.

We all entered out respective rooms, and I threw my backpack to the floor, and immediately fell to my knees. Before I could, Sephiroth scooped me up and sauntered to the bed, his eyes emotionless, yet so filled with… something. I couldn't tell what.

"We don't have a choice now." I whispered. "It's Gaia or nothing." Sephiroth didn't respond.

There was no need for words. I couldn't have spoken even if I wanted to; there were no words for what I felt. I was speechless, a writer, speechless! How could the world shift so dramatically, it such a short time? How could everything you believed to be rock solid turn to dust in your fingers, slipping through the cracks?

The moonlight was gently drifting through the window, gently through the glass, falling on my skin as my face flushed and my eyes watered. I must've looked so lonely. I wasn't. In fact, more than anything at that moment, I wanted to be alone. As painful as it was, I knew how to be sad when I was alone. Now… I didn't know what to do… crying with someone else, crying on someone's shoulder, instead of on my pillow. It's like complaining and begging for food, when a plate of it is before you. It may not be what you like… but its food.

I tried not to look Sephiroth in the eyes; I couldn't handle looking into his mighty gaze at that moment. Knowing that my darkest secrets could be devoured and my worst fears preyed upon, knowing he could see everything… but I wasn't afraid of what he'd do. I was afraid of what he'd think.

Sephiroth felt lightly onto the bed, with a heavy sigh. I'd never heard him sigh before. I was drifting in and out of sleep, hiccupping as I silently cried against Sephiroth's strong shoulders.

"And this is how the worlds revolve" He whispered, his voice like a melody, his words like a poem. "Revolve around the dying"

I might've been shaking, sobbing uncontrollably. I did not miss my house. I missed my memories. The memories that were the shadows of my house and that defined my house. For so long, they were all I had.

Sweetie! Check the dryer I think there's a load…

Sometimes you're so cynical, Samantha I don't know what to do with you…

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in Black, Black…

… and somehow, I will shoot myself from the rocket, and fly right up to the moon!

We love you, you know that, don't you?

My memories that were flooding me and the voices I could hear mixed together with Sephiroth's lone powerful voice, his dark sensual sounding voice. As I fell into a content, somber sleep, I heard him barely one last time.

"Now I see once again the reasoning for your hatred… mother."

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I was in that place again. The dark place that seems like nothing, but just might be everything, and is at least something. It was a dream, but it was real.

(real)

(real) (real)

(laer)

Last time I had been there, Cloud had been sitting contently on the edge, his dark brooding mind at work. He had told me of some friend who'd been having breakdowns and remembering things. I wondered if he was okay.

This time, I was with someone else, but I knew him. Smiling, I sighed and brushed my hair back, walking up to the ledge, and stood beside him.

"It sounds like your having a tough time over there" He mumbled with a small sympathetic smile. I didn't really know what to say.

"I don't know. It might be hard to get over but… in the end; it may be for the best."

Zack turned and looked to me. He was sitting with one leg over the ledge, his other foot resting on the top of the edge, both of his hands holding his calf. Looking over his shoulder, he nodded for me to sit next to him.

I obliged, sniffling a little. My insides were still a little shook up.

"Well, I hear you're planning a little trip to Gaia."

I snorted. "Little? Zack, I don't plan on ever returning"

"Ah, but that's the beauty of plans; they are made to change." I had to give him that. I am sure it had never been in Sephiroth's plans to meet me. I wondered what he'd do if given the chance to return to what he'd been… to finish his mother's duty. It didn't take me long to think he'd let someone like me go.

But I couldn't think like that. I turned to Zack.

"Yeah. We're going to Gaia"

We were both silent, the realm around us reflecting our reverence and tranquility. Little fireflies floated here and there, and it occurred to me that each time I came to the Place, it was different. I wondered if Zack knew what it was.

His eyes were on me, as if examining me. It seemed like he was trying to measure my soul, or gouge my strength of heart with his eyes. I thought I probably looked pretty weak, since I shivered under his intense gaze. But, he seemed to shrug, and turned to look back out to the nothingness.

"It'll be a long journey. It's only been done once before" He commented, letting his leg slide over the edge. Both of his legs sat on the edge now, swinging back and forth like a child's.

"What must I do?"

Zack looked up at the sky, beyond his line of sight. He had to lean pretty far back to do it. He managed somehow.

"See that!" He lifted his arm and pointed to a star. My eye brows furrowed to see it; it was bright green, sort of large, and very far away.

"That star moves further away every night, heading northwestern. It's Gaia, and if you follow it, you'll eventually find yourself there."

I did not seem as dumbfounded over the strange idea as I thought I would've. Instead, in my daze of thought and brooding, I looked to Zack again.

"Will you follow us?" I asked. Zack gave me an incredulous look.

"Follow you? I don't know if you remember but I'm dead." I had to roll my eyes.

"Sephiroth was too. He's not anymore."

Zack sat silently for a while. In the distance, the sun began rising, rising high over the nothing – everything Place where the stars never disappeared. I wondered if Zack would be able to leave, like Sephiroth did.

"I think you can" I whispered. I felt myself fading away, back into reality.

Zack gave me one last big smile.

"Tell the General he'd better not lose someone good as you!"

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I awoke on a firm chest, held tightly in familiar strong arms. Shivering, I moaned as I awoke my warm body curling up against Sephiroth's warm one. He shivered in pleasure, I think, and my face flushed. But to my surprise… I also smiled a bit devilishly. Did it make me happy, to please him? Was I becoming use to the idea that he wanted me? I… liked it. But I was still very new to the area, and very embarrassed.

"Good Morning" He whispered huskily in my ear. I could tell by how he said it that those words had capitals at the beginning; he was enjoying his morning so far. I wanted to smack him, but I also… didn't.

"Hey" I muttered sleepily, placing my hand on his shoulder. His gloved hand came up onto mine, clutching it gently and supportively. I jumped in surprise. It wasn't the first time Sephiroth had supported me, but he'd never been so… I didn't know. There was something different. I think it was my woman's instinct realizing that the ice separating him from me was melting away. In the same respect, the vines of distrust and self loathing around my heart were being pruned.

With a small smile, I nodded in acceptance of his small sign of affection. His lips did not smile; but his eyes glittered with the affection that I had become so surprised by. How could anyone feel such feelings for me, so strongly? And they seemed to grow like weeds, spreading and getting stronger. I could not see anything so lovely in me. Maybe what he saw was for his eyes only. I could not see it.

"You say you wish to go to Gaia?" Sephiroth whispered. I nodded.

"I want to take you home." I answered him, leaning my forehead against his collarbone.

"Home"

Silence fluttered by for a moment. In the next room, I heard giggles and happy laughter; we were a strange team, leaping up onto our feet so quickly. But then, perhaps the only broken one had been me. Even Jamie had only cried for his mother's belongings. It reminded me of one of the lines from the movie Crystal had shown me about Gaia. It was said by… Rufus, President… I think it was of Shinra. Yes, Rufus Shinra.

All children miss their mothers

That they do.

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It was a strange day. No one moved. Time seemed to stop. All of us stayed in our rooms.

"We need to restore our strength" Loz had told me as he returned from the lobby. I didn't hear any "strength restoring" in the other room. I heard crazed giggles and insane laughter.

"Makes one wonder what they're doing in there" Sephiroth had laughed after shutting the door to the hallway and locking it.

"Perverted things?" I joked, looking up from my novel.

"Perhaps we should follow their example?"

I cringed, but something strange burned in me. It was a very foreign feeling I'd never felt before. My legs turned to jelly and my stomach churned pleasurably for just a moment. I'd never felt like that before. If just the playful mention of such a thing could make me so strange, how would I ever survive the true thing?

But as I turned the page, no longer even skimming the book, I knew what Sephiroth wanted. He wanted to make me his. And I wanted to be with him. But I didn't know if… what made me hesitate? Fear and anxiety? Yes. I loved him. Why hesitate?

I turned off the light, closed my book, and pretended to take a nap.

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I must've fallen asleep, for next I knew, Sephiroth was gently kissing my forehead, before turning and leaving the room quietly. Groaning, I sat up looking around the dark room.

I hadn't dreamt of anyone that time. I didn't know if that was a good thing.

It was three in the afternoon, and my body was still a bit tired. I would sleep again later, but first I decided to visit the others. Exiting the room, I entered Crystal's room.

The five were in a rather large room, all of the furniture and things pushed to the walls. Kadaj and Loz were wrestling in the middle of the floor. Crystal sat cross legged on the counter, munching on popcorn as she cheered the others on. Yazoo was in a dark corner, smirking at the scene and Jamie sat by the window, content to daydream. I wasn't sure how he could with all the noise.

"Come on, fat ass, don't you dare let your little brother beat you, he's a shrimp!" Crystal taunted Loz, edging him on.

"Don't tell me you're going to cry, brother?" Yazoo laughed.

I shook my head at the scene. Loz grinned and put Kadaj in a headlock, but the boy slipped away and leapt back, and the two continued tussling.

"Hey, Sammy, you okay?" Crystal greeted, patting the counter. I slipped up onto it, stealing a bit of her popcorn.

"Pretty good, actually" I smiled, weary, but content. Crystal was pleased with the answer, and turned back to the fight.

Climbing off the counter, I tried to slip around the fight. Kadaj's leg tripped me, but Yazoo caught me in time. Giving him my thanks, I walked up to the window where my brother was.

I finally saw what he was doing. Mother's box of things was in his lap and he was shifting through it walking down memory lane.

I smiled at the boy, my older brother, who was such a child. He was a good deal like Kadaj. I couldn't help but laugh, and that alerted him to my presence.

"Hello sister" He smiled. "You okay?"

"I'll be fine"

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It was nighttime. Sephiroth was outside on the roof of the van, watching the sky, and I stood by the door to the hotel, watching him. It was about time to go, and the others were packing their things as they headed downstairs.

As usual, I was lost. What to do?

I couldn't tell if Sephiroth was becoming impatient with me. So many things were floating through my mind, a girl's normal thoughts; should I? What if I'm not good enough? What if he takes it and leaves? What if… what if…

My faced flushed.

It was hard to admit I wanted him. I wanted to know Sephiroth in any and every way. I knew his past. I knew his eyes. I wanted him to trust me, and open up to me.

He was such a beautiful angel, his eyes reflecting the stars. I saw Gaia in his left pupil, shining bright green. I almost couldn't tell it from the color of his eyes. My heart fluttered to look at his eyes and their intensity, and I think he glanced at me for a moment.

He knew I was looking at him. I knew he knew, and he knew I knew, and he knew I knew he knew.

I had to laugh. It felt so good to laugh.

Kadaj and the others came out of the hotel.

"Come on, let's get going!" Jamie cheered, rushing into the van. Crystal was just behind him, leaping into the driver's seat. The others filed in as Sephiroth gracefully leapt down to the cement.

I watched each different face each different pair of eyes and each different heart join together as one group. My heart was one of many. The barriers were fading away, becoming a distant memory. Someplace great… someplace wonderful, someplace I'd never seen before was ahead of us, if only we could find it. It would be a paradise, our paradise.

Our Promised Land.

Crystal rolled down the window as I silently stepped up to the van. Setting her arms on the metal, she put her chin in the crook of her elbow, looking up at me playfully with a light grin.

"Where to?"

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

- Oscar Wilde