CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The Rogue by the Stream

All love shifts and changes.

I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.


Julie Andrews

I could feel it in the back of my head as I watched my feet stumble beneath me; one step forward, one step forward… it was all I could do. It was almost like watching my mother die all over again, just taking one more step, one more step… my entire life was shifted, changed, the old life destroyed. All I could do was take one more step… not worry about whether or not the ground would support me, just knowing it was all I could do to keep going.

But I hadn't expected to feel it in the back of my head, even though I remembered we still had that… connection. He was obviously not using it, but I could feel him there. I still didn't know how … Sephiroth's mind and mine were connected, able to feel one another, but I could feel him off who knows where and the feeling was like plunging into ice cold water, and drowning. He was suffering. The cynical part of me where Jenova was residing was glad he was hurt. But I wasn't; I didn't have it in me to hate him, even though he'd … done whatever it was only hours ago. A transformation, maybe? A change. I wasn't human anymore, and it was his fault.

But Zack made me think as we walked. Was it really his fault? Or had Jenova been resting in him all along as she did now with me? Waiting for the time to strike? Why? Didn't she want her son to be happy?

"Sephiroth is Jenova's last chance to destroy Gaia, and be free" Zack told me as we headed towards Nibelhiem. "If she loses her sons to you, she's done for. But that tells you how much she fears you; instead of just using Sephiroth to kill you, she used him to transfer herself to you. She really wants to make sure you don't screw up whatever she has planned"

Oh I would screw it up. I would kill her.

(when did I start thinking like that I've never killed anyone)

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

As the days passed by I noticed that Zack was fading. I could kind of see trees and woods behind him, right through him. Almost as if he were becoming transparent, he began to disappear as the days passed. I didn't think he'd last to Nibelhiem.

Over the days, he told me a little about Gaia. I tried to talk as much as possible, to avoid the sea of emotions that was flowing from the connection with him.

"I think Rufus lives in Edge now, and Cloud and Tifa too" Zack spoke, smiling serenely. "Aeris' grave is in the City of the Ancients, and if we passed through the mountains and went north, we'd be able to visit her. But that's if you want to. The City might enlighten you" He was trying to help me think of what to do once I spoke to Vincent. I truly didn't know. I was doing my best to keep from spinning around and just running back, wanting to run back to him. But I wasn't going to make it easy for him. He hurt me. I wasn't allowed to love him right now.

So I stopped saying his name, and I stopped thinking him, and when I had dreams of him I blocked out the thoughts as soon as I woke up. Zack could tell I was wearing down, but we kept going. We didn't have any food, so we ate a few berries, and I tried out my skills against fiends in the woods.

The first monster I ever fought was … well, strange.

"Do. NOT. Let it hit you" Zack whispered, his eyes very wide and afraid.

"You've got to be kidding me" I sighed, rolling my eyes and abandoning my fighting pose.

It was a frog. Just a little frog, hopping around in front of us. Did Zack really think a frog was our enemy? Huffing, I shrugged, thinking Zack had finally lost it. Of course, I knew better when the frog leapt at me.

As soon as it touched me, I noticed I was much smaller. Zack killed it as it leapt back away from me, and then he looked down at me.

"Hey, I told you not to let it touch you" He laughed a little, thinking my predicament was funny.

"That wasn't an ordinary frog, one touch, and well… you're a frog" Sputtering, Zack turned away and began laughing at me. I stuck out my long tongue at him, unable to speak. A bug whizzed by. On instinct, my long tongue snapped at it, and to my disgust, I was EATING it! Zack kept laughing, almost in tears.

"I … Ha… I can't … oh my god… "I was going to smack him as soon as I was human. Which I was in a few minutes. The frog spell didn't last too long.

"Why was that so funny?" I retorted, hands on my hips. Kicking him, I turned away and stomped down the road. Zack was shaking his head and laughing at me.

"Because… on one of his first practice fits, Cloud let himself get changed, too."

Stopping, I looked over my shoulder. "Really? … Huh."

"Yup" Arms behind his head, Zack began walking again. I followed. "Cloud was all like, ' A frog? What the hell? I want a real monster!' Course, he failed the test! If he'd been a little more patient he might've made it into SOLDIER. Of course, looking back… that might not have been a good thing."

I shook my head at Zack. "You're weird"

He gave me a look. "Me? I didn't just change into a frog!"

Smacking his arm, I gave him a look, and he laughed again. Somehow… I laughed a little too.

I felt better.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Only maybe a day or more to Nibelhiem; you'll probably have to veer off the road for a little, since nobody goes to Nibelhiem anymore, there's no road into town. But you ought to be able to find it. Even if you don't, Vincent might find you. He's out a lot at night, so I've heard."

"How'd you hear?" I smirked. "You're dead"

Zack looked pompous. "I have my… sources"

"Uh huh"

Giving me a fatherly look, Zack dropped the playful act. I was in for it. Throwing a stick on the fire, Zack looked up to the sky.

"See that blue star, near the horizon?" He asked. Searching the sky, I looked for it. Before I found it, he spoke again.

"That's Earth"

As I searched, my eyes grew wide, and I found it. My surprise turned into a serene look. Zack smiled at the change, looking out at the star far away.

"You can always go back"

I turned to him. Laughing sarcastically, I shook my head. "No… I wouldn't fit in … anymore."

"You can always go back" He repeated a bit stronger. "You, and Jamie, and Crystal… and you could be normal again. All that requires is forgetting everything that has happened since Sephiroth entered your life."

"It means losing the close relationship that you now share with Jamie and Crystal. They'd go back to just being your editor and your brother you never see. You'd have no idea who Sephiroth even was; you'd probably be that mess all over again."

My eyes had lost a little light. "I'd… have you, wouldn't I?"

He shrugged, one of his hands pulling at grass by the road. "I don't know… you'd have that invisible presence you've always felt. But you wouldn't know me and you certainly wouldn't know I was Zack"

I was thinking, my eyes dark and focused on the ground. Zack could tell that I was having an internal conflict.

"You would forget all the pain Sephiroth has given you" He told me. "What do you say?"

My mouth opened, but I didn't say a word. I closed it again.

"I don't know" I whispered. "I really don't"

Zack looked back out to the horizon, where Earth was far away, and the sun was sinking. "You know… going back means you have to take Jamie and Crystal. Even if they don't want to go. Could you really do that? Force them to forget that the world and the people they adore really do exist?"

There was the clincher. The hard truth. Actually, all of it was hard to do.

"I don't know" I repeated. "I …"

Sighing, Zack shook his head. "Then I guess you haven't grown as much as I thought you had" His eyes lingered on me, but I didn't want to look at him. But I knew he'd probably be ashamed if I couldn't at least meet his eyes. So, trembling a little, I watched him look me over, sigh, and turn away.

"Good night"

I bit my lip.

"Will you be here in the morning?" I asked.

No answer.

With a haggard sigh that was almost a sob, I nodded, turned away, and unable to sleep at all, walked out into the forest.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Green is the prime color of the world and that from which its loveliness arises.


Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Was I running again? Maybe. I had learned to tune his sorrow in my mind, and her taunting in my head, but I could still hear my subtle sobs, even as I bit my lip and tried not to make a sound.

I really didn't know what I would do. What answers could Vincent give me? There was nothing here for me. I could maybe go see Cloud… but no, I looked so different from when we first met, in the dream. What could I do? Everything was turning to dust all around me, I was running from the one thing that could make me happy again, because I was afraid. Was that it?

A small clear stream was ahead of me. Stripping of my clothes, I kept my underwear on and stepped into the water. I was nasty, covered in blood, dirt, and other gross things. Sinking down into the cold, fresh stream, I resisted the urge to drown myself.

Uh, what could I do? I looked away from my reflection, which taunted me.

The sobs came easily, and I stopped fighting them. All it seemed I could do anymore was cry. No action. Just be sad because I failed at everything, sure that would make it all better.

Cursing myself, cursing Jenova, cursing Sephiroth, I sunk lower in the water. Diving under, I attempted to clean my hair, it was soaked in blood. I wondered vaguely how long I could hold my breath, now that I wasn't human –

I tried holding for a while – even after a minute, I was totally normal. It was so … strange.

Suddenly, I was wrenched from the water by strong hands coming from above, and I screamed, covering my head with my hands. To my surprise, I landed on the grass by the stream, and so did whoever had snatched me from the water. Spinning around, I swung my leg through the air. My attacker caught my ankle and somehow, I ended up on the ground, but not hurt.

"What do you want?"

"Death is not the answer"

The voice was dark and sultry, and very beautiful. I was surprised by what he said, as it was definitely a he, and spun around to face him. It didn't occur to me that I was almost naked.

The man who owned the voice was also beautiful, and recognizable. Dark, long hair, with red eyes, and snow white skin. It was the one I had set out to look for a few days before; Vincent, the immortal man.

"W – What do you mean?"

"You were trying to kill yourself?" He asked me, somewhat a statement, but also an open ended question.

Laughing a little, I shook my head. "Thought about it – but I was just trying to clean the blood from my hair."

It occurred to me that all the dirt and grime in my hair had changed the color – for now. As soon as I cleaned it, I would be easily recognized as one of Jenova's children. It was a good thing I was dirty.

"Thank you for caring, V – sir" Standing, I then realized I was cold, wet, and naked. A red cloak appeared in front of me – Vincent was handing his cloak to me, with his face turned away. Giving him my thanks, I wrapped it around me and sat beneath a tree.

"What brings you here" He asked with that dark, trembling voice.

"Actually, I … came looking for someone. Would you know someone named Vincent?" I was sure it was him, but I didn't want him to know I knew him.

He gave me a thoughtful look. "Why would you look for him?"

"I – well, I heard he was – different. I thought he could give me some advice"

"On what?"

Sighing, I brushed a hand through my hair. "On immortality"

His eyes grew a bit wide, but he didn't really say anything. He looked me over. Suddenly his eyes began scrutinizing my hair.

"It – It's silver" I whispered very quietly. His acute ears heard me. "Until recently, it wasn't"

"How did it happen?" Vincent too, I think, knew more than he was letting on.

I told him, in little detail, that someone I trusted had changed me, and now Jenova was like an annoying alarm clock in my head, and I could never go … home. I had run away from him, and I was now afraid to go back to him, but I wanted to. I was afraid of living forever.

His look didn't change as I told the story, and I somehow got the vibe Vincent had been through something similar. Maybe not. He understood and he listened well. I was beginning to like Vincent.

We were both silent after I told my story, and I was beginning to dry. The cloak felt really nice, but I didn't want to get it totally ruined. When I tried to tell him I'd change and give it back, he told me it was fine. He went back to thinking.

"Sir?" I asked quietly, afraid he might be angry with him. Did he know I was holding many things secret to him?

With a bit of a small sigh, he looked back to me, his crimson eyes almost boring holes into my soul.

"I can feel Jenova there – she recognizes me. I know she doesn't like me; if she starts to give you trouble, I'll leave" I nodded, flushed in the cheeks a bit. What was his response to my story?

A shorter silence, and then he began.

"When I was younger, I … fell in love. But many things happened and… because of many mistakes of not just me, but others… I died. The one I loved tried to save me and in doing so, I came back to life… as an immortal monster. And in the end, I couldn't be with her. Immortality was only one obstacle in the way of our being together. I most likely will be alone, for a long time, in immortality…"

He looked up at me. "I feel empathy that immortality was forced onto you… even more so that you house Jenova within you. But to think you have the chance to spend forever not alone, but with the one you choose to marry… that is something many would give up anything for. I would. I can't. But you can."

I did not know how close to his heart this was. Ashamed I had made him speak of it, I looked away.

"I… the one I love…" biting my lip, I wondered, should I tell him the whole story? Maybe he would understand my reluctance. But then again… perhaps the fact I knew the whole story should strengthen my want to return to him. Maybe…

Looking back to him, I wondered. "Vincent, umm… if I may call you that."

"You may"

"I… if you could go back to a time when you could be with her, and nothing could stop you… if you could put your life back to normal, but at the sacrifice of forgetting everything's that's happened since you've died, every person you knew… would you do that? Would you go back to a normal life, and forget all of this?"

Vincent seemed a bit taken back by the question. Maybe I shouldn't of asked.

"I might" He whispered. "I might. But then… Shinra would never be destroyed. Sephiroth might never of been born, that I suppose, is good, but… would the world be the way it is today? Could I bring myself to erase all of this for my love? … Cloud would probably be ashamed." He laughed a little. "Cid would strangle me" Looking back up at me, he shook his head. "No, I don't think I could."

"You see, everything terrible in my past, losing her, Shinra, Sephiroth, all of these terrible battles and mistakes that I've lived through, how do I know whether or not forgetting about them makes them any less real?"

"Does not remembering a scar make it fade off of your skin? Does not remembering you love someone make you love them any less?"

"Sometimes I wish the reverse. I wish I could forget about her. But if I forgot her, would I still not remember her in dreams? My heart would most likely still belong to her."

"No matter what, I think the least important is not what we remember, but what our hearts remember" Vincent smiled a little, which was very sweet. "Because, whether it be old age for some, or the passing on for others, or something that happened, even when we forget, it still exists. Our hearts will remember … somehow…"

My mind flashed an image; of me crawling around in the dark.

You and I have met before.

What was it I couldn't remember? Sephiroth said… we'd met before… what was it that had happened in the dream? I had crawled through darkness…

Looking up to Vincent I smiled broadly.

"Thank you for listening… maybe we'll meet again. I know now that whether or not I run or return to him, it won't help me forgive or forget him. I have to face him, even if that means after we meet again I'll never see him again. I have to chance it" Smiling, I nodded. "If not now, soon. Someday. We both have… forever" Laughing a little, I walked over to my clothes. Vincent stood and turned away. "Thanks" I whispered, setting his cloak down so I could dress. My underclothes were soaked but oh well.

"What will you do now?" He asked me.

"Head north" I told him. "A friend of mine said there was something there I ought to see. So, I guess I'll have to make my way there"

"Where is this place?" He asked, picking up his cloak after I'd finished dressing.

"It's called the City of the Ancients." Vincent's eye grew wide.

"I see" His face betrayed no emotion.

"I think, before I see him, I have to find a way to get rid of her" I told Vincent, looking my stuff over. "And I need supplies. I have no food." Smiling a little, I looked up the path.

"You travel with someone?" He asked. I nodded.

"Come on, you can meet him" In my fervor, I forgot Zack was supposed to be dead. I ran up the track and Vincent followed me. The road was close by, and we arrived quickly.

The fire was dying slowly, and the blankets were stacked next to the wood. The place where Zack had been sleeping was empty. Looking around I saw no footprints, no trail, … no trace.

"He's already gone" I whispered, and Vincent heard. I didn't mind; I trusted him.

And the sun disappeared beneath the horizon, and Earth twinkled brighter in the sky.

The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.


Gilbert K. Chesterton