Heroes of the Past and Present

Disclaimer: Do not own Victorious, do not own the video game

A/N:

Chapter 18 (Self-Doubts)

Trina observed Sinjin as they stood on the upper level of the Estate, beside the railing that overlooked the lobby of the mansion. She'd been excited when he decided to swing by for a bit, though the others had come over as well. She got Tori to entertain them, although they seemed to want to talk to her, but she was busy with Sinjin. "Why are you not the least bit sore?" She leaned her elbow against the top of the wooden railing and raised her eyebrow at him, he was wearing a coat similar to Anders, only it was brown with brown fur shoulders. He had a long black staff attached to the holder on the back. "It's not fair, my entire body is sore, and I thought it wouldn't be that sore with how much I do Tae Kwon Do."

His lips turned to a smirk and his shoulders lifted up, "I guess Mages don't have to work too much with physical strength. If it's any consolation, my energy gets zapped completely after a day's worth of training. Ancestor Gramps had to practically drag me home."

"Ooh, no fun."

"Not at all." They turned towards the railing and gazed down at the first floor. She found it amusing that Tori and her friends were actually sitting on the floor, there really weren't any couches in this area. Tori was seated in a circle with Andre to her right and Robbie to her left. Cat was seated beside Robbie, Beck was next to her, his back turned towards Trina and Sinjin. Jade was between Andre and Beck. "Where are the ancestors? They went outside?"

"Yes, to look around the Hightown merchants." Trina leaned over the railing, folding her arms on the top. Her eyes drifted towards Sinjin's hands grasping the railing firmly. There were some cuts and scrapes, which were a bit concerning for her. "You got caught up in the middle of something too last night?" He peered down at his hands and frowned.

"Yeah. It wouldn't surprise me if most everybody did." His eyes held a glimpse of fear. She was startled, but a bit afraid to ask what he may have run into. She hadn't seen 'creatures' yet, but she had remained in the city.

"You guys went outside Kirkwall, I'm guessing?"

"No, we ran into a bunch of blood mages that summoned up a bunch of…" He flinched and slowly shook his head, moving his hand up to his forehead. "You see all the movies about demons, you read the stories, but until one actually appears in front of you and lunges for you…not something easily forgotten. This thing had a fluid like body, but was made of fire. Its eyes were red, and when it opened its mouth, it was like staring into…"

She moved her hand over his, curling her fingers around his palm. Her eyes moved to his and he smiled softly. "It's okay, Sinjin." She wanted to say they weren't real, but that was a comfort that would likely fall flat. Most everybody seemed to be taking this moment to relax and truly wind down from all they went through in the prior day. "The sooner we find my ancestor, the sooner we get out of here. There are no demons back home."

"I guess not." He looked down to the people below, then casually smirked at her. She took a deep breath and met his witty gaze.

"And no, Tori's friends aren't demons. " Sinjin laughed once and she moved her head to his shoulder. A sudden spark shot through her, pumping from her heart. She tightened her grip on his hand and closed her eyes. Her body started to grow warm and her heart began to pound heavily in her chest. "Thank you for being here for me, Sinjin."

"Always." His smirk caught her by surprise and his gaze pulled her in, filling her with a sense of security and strength. Something she really only felt when around him. Her dad too, but that was a different feeling altogether. "Who else is going to help keep you from tearing off the heads of each of your sister's friends? Now that you have two sharp weapons that you get to walk around with, I suppose they need some protection." She let out a wry chuckle and lifted her head from his shoulder. Her eyes formed a mist that started to cloud her vision. As she swept away whatever water was coming, a look of concern fell over Sinjin. "Is everything okay? Are you crying?"

"No, it's not that." She didn't know why tears were forming, it was frustrating enough. Maybe it was fear, she didn't know. It was beginning to hit her how close she was with him, though she already knew how she felt for him. Her hand slid away from his, though it was more of a crawl and her pinky hooked onto his for a split second. "I guess for a second there…I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's all right, Trina. I understand." He smiled at her, then looked off towards the circle of friends down below, none had been paying any attention to what was going on. She felt a sting of pain inside and looked away. She was sick of all the confusion she had inside. Why couldn't she be like a normal girl who wanted to be with someone they loved? Why did fear have to stop her from doing the things that made her happy?

She let out a loud groan and turned to the bedroom door behind her, she was half tempted to storm off and lock herself in her room. Would it be so bad to disappear for a while? "Sometimes, Sinjin…" She leaned back against the railing and grasped the railing with her hands for leverage. "Sometimes I think there's something deeply wrong with me. I should be a normal girl with normal feelings and emotions, so why-"

"You are. What has you feeling like you're not?"

"Because I can't stop jumping at every little thing…Not to mention, they're all right about me-" She motioned to the people down below and narrowed her eyes. "I acknowledge I have some hyperactive tendencies, I have a bit of an ego, but hey, I have problems. I'm insecure at times, I don't trust people, and the one thing I want more than anything, I block out!" Sometimes you have to be wary of who you trust, some things you shouldn't let in, but she didn't think it was right to do so for everything under the sun.

"Trina, they're not right. You're a strong, independent and beautiful person with a good heart." Her heart skipped a beat before falling back down, just as he was lifting her up she fell. Did she not believe these words?

"If I'm so beautiful, then why do the people I allow inside hurt me?" She could feel watchful gazes, but wasn't paying any mind to the uncomfortable feeling of being watched. As far as she was concerned, it was only her and Sinjin, nobody else. "Boyfriends come and go, either they dump me in the most humiliating ways, or they abuse me. My own sister likes to make fun of me, and friends?" She scoffed and threw her arms out to the side. "What friends? Oh that's right, I'm not likable, so says every single one of my sister's friends. And according to them, my best friend Lindsay never liked me."

"You know that's not true."

"Isn't it?"

"She's reaching out to you, Trina…"

"I know, I just…I'm supposed to be strong, right? To help my ancestor and all that? How can I do that? Tell me…how you can see someone standing before you that is 'strong', 'beautiful', or even likable. I don't want to be liked, I want to be loved, but I guess that's another thing that won't happen."

"You've been hurt before, you've had people in your life get pushed away, and you know what?" She crossed her arms and turned away from him. He moved a gentle hand to her cheek, cupping it. She turned her gaze towards his, leaning in slightly. "You are beautiful, you are loved, no matter what anybody says. So what if a few assholes said you aren't? So what if some men screwed you over? Fuck 'em. They don't know what they're losing or what they have lost. I know what there is, because I see it. You put your all into everything, when you care about someone or something, you are passionate about it." Her arms fell to her sides and her shoulders shrugged. His words, still, drew her in and worked to pull her heart out of this muck that was like quicksand. Her emotions were like that of a tornado, throwing her every which way, but for some reason, Sinjin was able to help her gain some clarity. "Your sister's friends, those men that came along like Michael or Seth, fuck them all. Focus on what makes you happy and those who care about you. Don't be afraid to lean on people who you know you can…"

"Like you?"

"Well I would hope." He moved his hand away and smirked slightly, "You surely know how I feel about you."

That was what made it so hard. She was well aware of his feelings for her, he didn't need to say it either. Tension formed in her throat and a heaviness descended into her chest. "I know…and I-I just can't…" She closed her eyes and moved her hand to her right temple, rubbing it gently while it throbbed. "I have a headache, I need to get away from here."

"Trina-" She pulled away from him and moved for the bedroom, rushing before he could reach out to her. This was the feeling that always came, the urge to get away before she got too close.

She slammed the door behind her and planted her back and palms firmly against it, groaning as she struck the door with the back of her head. "Idiot. It's not like he'd hurt you…he would never hurt you! Would he?"

What the hell was she doing here? She couldn't do any of this! "Why does it have to fall on me?" She was a woman filled with doubts. She didn't dare believe for a second she had what it took to be strong, she wasn't exactly sure what to believe anymore.

She clasped her fingers onto her chest, holding it as though she were about to have a heart attack. Her heart was racing and her body was heating up to the point she was afraid she might be coming down with a fever. Tears began to form and her legs carried her towards the bed where she collapsed and curled.

"What's going on?" Her eyes shot open and panic struck her into paralysis. Her gaze flew towards the door where Jade was standing. She sneered at her, but did not make an attempt to move. Jade looked concerned for her, but Trina wasn't sure she was ready to trust that concern. Her instincts told her to flee, to scream and curse, but she remained silent instead as Jade sat down beside her.

"I'd forgotten you people were out there."

"Yeah…It's funny how you can become so intensely focused on the person who means most to you, and the whole world just disappears. That happens with me and Beck, though, that was before I knew some things that I know now…I know you probably don't care-"

"I don't."

Jade shot a glare, but her expression softened immediately and she let out a slow exhale. "Right." She looked to the side wall and shrugged.

"Sorry."

"No, you're fine. Trina, I know I am probably the last person you want to talk to right now. I just…I'm concerned."

"I'm just surprised you've not thought of something to humiliate me with, yet. For some reason I can't stop thinking you're planning something."

Jade remained silent, her lips dipped and her eyes closed over. "Maybe. I guess you'd have to trust me not to plan something, but that's going to take a while I guess…I don't expect you to trust me, I just, I am trying. I don't want to make this about me. I know you don't want to open yourself up to people, I'm just like that. I hate opening myself up to people and I'm always closing myself up. That's why I've been such a bitch to everyone…I'm working on that."

"Good luck with that." Regardless of intent or not, she didn't want to be snippy. It only came out that way. "I'm not in the mood, Jade. I am really not in the mood to talk to you, either. I want to be alone."

"I just wanted to let you know…if you need someone to talk to-"

"It won't be you."

"Don't be so quick to brush people off, even if they're someone you don't like. That's what Aveline tells me…" Trina raised an eyebrow and resisted the urge to scoff. How could Jade possibly tell her that advice? "I know it sounds hypocritical, and it is. I'm not a good person, Trina. I've made mistakes, I've done shit that I regret. I know how much I've hurt people, including you, and I know there's no going back. All I can do is say 'I'm sorry' and try to show that I'm changing. I wish I had gotten to know you more before I started giving you a hard time, I only did so because you were popular at the time and I was intimidated by it…popular people intimidate me, even though now it seems like…I don't know…"

Trina had to admit, she was almost moved by those words, and there was a genuine look of honesty in Jade's eyes. She couldn't deny that it made her feel something, whether it was a connection to this girl or something else. "I'm glad you admit that, at least…You realize indirectly you and those people out there caused what friends I had to leave me? Mostly because I was too insecure to both to stick up for myself." She pushed herself into an upright position and moved back against the wooden headboard. "At the very least, I ran into Lindsay and she wants me to call her so we can try and start over, but I don't know…I don't trust people, because of you people. I'm not at all a trusting person, and don't mistake my talking to you now as a sign of friendship, or even bonding, I'm keeping you well beyond arm's reach."

"I understand. I'm not expecting that, I just…I want you to know that you can talk to me. Look, I know you're worried about what's going on here, we all are. None of us are ready to go out and fight all these demons and monsters, but we have to, we're going to, because your ancestor needs us all. It's scary, but we need to work together and get this done…"

"Yeah, I know we do."

"Well, we can, but we have to be able to communicate, okay?" She rolled her eyes and Jade exhaled despairingly. "We do, all of us. I know it's hard, but everything I ever said to you in the past…all the negative shit…I'm sorry. I was stupid, and I still am. I'm not going to attempt to pretend it didn't happen, but, we need to try and move on from it."

"I know that, I just need time. I need to process everything."

"Well while you do that, we're all going to be here. Nobody's going anywhere, it isn't like we can anyway." Jade rose from the bed and started for the door, stopping to glance back over her shoulder. She gave her a smile and motioned her head outside. "Tori and Cat had this interesting idea, they want to try and pull Sinjin into it. They're going to try and enchant all of our cell phones, in a way that we can all communicate with each other while we're not here. Could be useful?"

"You think that would actually work?"

"Worth a shot to see."

"I suppose so…"

Jade opened the door and stepped outside, still looking at Trina, "And by the way. You are beautiful and strong, you just have to see it like Sinjin and your sister do. Trust me, Tori sees it."

"We'll see…just leave me alone for a little bit. I'll come out and see what you're all up to in a minute."

"All right, want me to let them know?"

"I don't care…" With that, Jade nodded and left the room, shutting the door after her. Trina closed her eyes and lay back on the pillow, breathing from her nostrils as she contemplated leaving the room versus curling underneath the blankets. It probably wouldn't be long before Sinjin came in to pull her out of the bed, so the latter was likely not going to happen anytime soon.

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