Author's note: Thanks for all the reviews – I have been really busy with RL and have been very remiss in not answering them. Thank you though, every single one makes me smile (and I've needed that). My son sailed through his surgery and woke up while they were taking out the breathing tube and started punching/flailing at the nurse that was holding him which they said was a good thing because it meant he was alert (he was 20 months old so 'punch' is probably not accurate but anyway…)

Warning: Discussion of past event/s in this story arc. Also the therapy I have been to has always been fantastic, however I know there are some really bad ones out there. I fully respect the job these people do.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

He thinks the worst part is that he remembers that he likes kissing. And making out. And the knowledge that he could turn Blaine on. It's now all tinged with fear. Dave has done nothing to make him afraid of him. Well, nothing in the last year or so at least, and it's all forgiven. Although sometimes he wonders if that's a part of what's holding him back. They haven't kissed each other yet, and he knows Dave is waiting for him to make that first move, and he gets it, he really does, but he just can't seem to take that leap, and the more he delays the more he works it up in his head and the bigger it seems and the harder it becomes to even think about it. It's this compounding fear that has him seeking actual professional help, his dad agreeing instantly.

That brings him to here, sitting in a stark looking office with pictures he's pretty sure are from Ikea. He's gone online and discussed it with other people, and he's been swamped with replies. It seems like everyone's an individual and has their own story. The bottom line seems to be trust though. Trusting not only the person you're with, but yourself. That's all well and good in theory, but it doesn't tell him what to do. Where to start. He gets called into the office and it's a young woman, not someone he recognizes fortunately, although he expects she probably knows who he is, it's not like he keeps a low profile.

"So Kurt, what did you have for breakfast this morning?"

"I… sorry what?"

"I just find people sometimes need to build up to sharing things with me. Starting with something small helps sometimes."

"I had a fruit salad. And some Nutella on toast. But I want to talk about fear of intimacy, not my nutritional requirements."

"Okay then," she says, smiling, and he grits his teeth a little at what he considers to be a slightly condescending slant.

He doesn't let it stop him, he talks, he's good at talking, lets it all spill out about how he met Blaine, how much he liked him, how they got together and how happy he was. That he can actually remember how happy he was, talk about it like this, it's freeing in a way he hadn't thought of before. Then he gets to the events of last November, trying to give just the bare facts rather than color it with his emotions, but he can't help it. She interjects with soft questions, clarifying some points, validating his fears and emotions. He doesn't need the validation though, he knows he has every right to feel whatever the hell he's feeling.

"So… now I'm with… someone new," he avoids saying Dave's name, Lima is a small town and he respects Dave's right to not be outed or talked about. "We haven't done anything more than hold hands, or cuddle on the sofa, but I…"

"You want to do more?" He nods. "And how did you meet your new boyfriend?"

He hesitates, because he knows it's not exactly an ideal background story, so he gives a brief outline, brushing over the harsher aspects of their history. Of course she seems to note what he's skipping over, and pries until she gets the full story, and he guesses she needs all the details to give him advice, although he's starting to suspect that he isn't going to like the answer.

"So, your current boyfriend used to bully you? And your ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted you. And your bully, now boyfriend also sexually assaulted you."

He really doesn't like her tone now.

"Used to bully me. And it was one kiss, over a year ago, and he stopped immediately. Blaine did not."

"Please Kurt, there's no need to get defensive with me, I just want to make you aware that some people become accustomed to thinking that they deserve to be abused…"

"And do you really think I am one of those people? I eventually stood up to David, and I walked away from Blaine. I can't say I liked either of those experiences, or would want to repeat them, but they have made me stronger. And he would never hurt me now."

"Can you be certain of that?"

"Can anyone be certain of anything?"

LSY

"Kurt, hi…" he pauses, and takes a step back, because Kurt looks angry. "What's wrong?"

"Just a stupid therapist."

"Oh… um. Okay?"

Kurt lets out a frustrated huff of breath and he wonders if he will get told what has happened.

"I was told that people don't change and that apparently I'm self-destructive and purposely seek out people that will hurt me. Physically."

"I – what?" His chest feels tight, creeping up his neck and closing up his throat and he's having difficulty breathing. Is Kurt about to break up with him? He'd understand of course, but…

"As I said, stupid."

"Uh…"

"What? You don't she's right do you?"

"No! I would never hurt you. Ever." Not again he adds silently to himself, and it's one of the vows he made to himself when he started Carmel. He doesn't want to hurt anyone.

"I know! That's what I said to her, but she seemed to think given our history that we would never be able to have a full and balanced relationship."

"Oh…" He's really not sure what to say to that. He disagrees of course, but Kurt seems to be on a roll, talking, well, ranting really, about how much of a waste of time and money it was.

He knows his own therapy has been really worthwhile, but he wisely keeps his mouth shut, instead just shutting the door behind Kurt and guiding him toward the kitchen. He sets about making him a coffee, at a loss really as to what to say or do. He knew, theoretically, that they'd need to talk about it all, so that they could actually have a meaningful relationship. That's what his therapist has told him anyway, that it's all about communication. He just wishes it had never happened in the first place, even if it meant that Kurt was still with Blaine.

"Do you want to talk about it? With me I mean?"

"I… not right now, but… yeah. Later. I think that would be good."

He nods in agreement and slides Kurt's mug across to him. It's actually Kurt's mug, one he bought yesterday when he'd been out with Claire, and he'd been unable to resist. Of course it'll remain here, but he'd felt ridiculously giddy when he'd made the purchase.

"Mr Strong? Really?"

"Well, it was a toss up between Mr Strong and Mr Brave. I wanted Mr Bossy, but you know, that's only in the Little Miss range and I didn't want to insult you…"

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"I got you your own coffee mug. No doubt it will become all stained with the coffee you drink, and –"

"You got this for me?"

He nods, smiling slightly and shrugging. It's just a mug.

"Yeah. It's your coffee mug."

"Mr Strong. Yeah. I like that. Thanks," Kurt says, and the smile he gets just makes him feel warm all over, and he wants Kurt to smile like that more often, so maybe it isn'tjust a mug if it can make Kurt smile like that.

"No problem."

"So, is there any cake?"

"It's Monday."

"I know, I was being hopeful."

He laughs, glad that for now Kurt seems in a lighter mood, although he hopes they can talk things out sooner rather than later, mainly because he's found things just slip by if the opportunity is lost. Kurt still hasn't picked up the mug, and he wonders if maybe he didn't want a drink, he didn't actually ask… Except Kurt didn't stop him and – he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, knowing he's going to just end up winding himself up if he continues down that thought path. It's just the simple act of making someone coffee.

"Can we go outside?"

He nods, and it's become almost their thing, Kurt doesn't need to say anything more, just goes to the hall cupboard and grabs out two blankets and heads for the back garden. He picks up their mugs and follows. It's not nightfall, and the ground is damp, so stargazing and lying side-by-side with blankets wrapped around them doesn't seem to be the aim. He watches as Kurt spreads one blanket on the bench, folding it over and over so the firm wooden bench is more padded. Then he shakes and twirls the other so it settles down around his shoulders in what is clearly a well practiced motion. There is no blanket for him though, and he wonders if he should go inside and get a jacket, but stops when hurt holds out his arm and the edge of the blanket, inviting him under to… snuggle? He places their mugs in the ground, careful not to kick them over and sits down beside Kurt, letting him shuffle and adjust the blanket so that it covers both of them equally.

The silence between them is comfortable as they settle alongside one another, and he likes that this is easy now, companionable. He can tell Kurt is thinking, looking serious, intent and more pensive than he's seen him in a long time, but he doesn't need to distract him or fill the silence. Instead he thinks about school, how his apparent campaign for prom-king is going, with absolutely no input from him whatsoever. Kara and Honey have taken over completely, with Nathan and Terence gleefully helping, doing Honey's campaign right alongside his. He's adamant that he's not going, and Honey is just as adamant that he is.

"I'm sorry that this can't be easy. Going out with me I mean."

"What?"

"Just… I have a lot of issues. More issues."

"Kurt… I don't need easy. I don't want easy. Don't you think you enjoy something more when you have to work at it a little? Appreciate it more?" Not take it for granted, he adds silently.

"I guess. It's… I feel bad that you have to wait and deal with everything alongside with me, it's not exactly… fair?"

"Uh… but isn't that what relationships are about? Dealing with stuff with the help and support or someone else?"

"Oh… yeah, you're right."

The lapse into silence again, and he wants to point out that if they can work through this together, then it bodes well for their relationship, because most things have to be easier and potentially less embarrassing than discussing boundaries and expectations when it comes to the physical aspects of a relationship right? It has to be a good thing that they're going to try and be open about everything. He hears the front door open and waits for Claire to call out, and for once he really doesn't want to help. He wants to stay right where he is and just… be. By some miracle she doesn't actually call out and he rests his cheek on the top of Kurt's head, which is resting on his shoulder. It's never going to grow old.

"I want to deal with it."

"What?"

"The whole… fear thing. I like kissing and erm, making out, but I just… get scared." He nods like he understands, even though he knows he doesn't really. He's scared as well, but in a completely different way. "It's… a matter of trust?"

That hurts, and he doesn't respond immediately, wondering if Kurt meant it that way, or whether he's misconstruing it. He knows getting upset will just shut the conversation down. He pulls away slightly, reaching for his drink to hide the real reason why but then settles back.

"Do you, uh, trust me?"

"I…you? Yes. But I think I also need to trust myself. Trust my own judgment again maybe?"

"Okay. Well I'm in no rush," Dave starts, and fuck it, he needs to be as open as possible with Kurt if they're going to move through this together and not hurt each other emotionally. "It scares me too you know? The idea of sex I mean. Exciting as well, but terrifying. Like going on a rollercoaster?"

"Oh… yeah. I know exactly what you mean. And when you get off your not sure whether to run to the end of the line and do it again or throw up…"

He laughs a little at the analogy, because yeah, maybe it is like that, but he doesn't really know yet.

"So I guess we take things slow?"

"Slows good."

The sit and finish their drinks, and he can hear Claire starting to feed Adam and Lily dinner. Kurt's phone starts buzzing and chiming in his pocket and Kurt leaves, squeezing his hand and smiling at him with such openness he feels reassured that they've actually done some good talking together. He heads back into the kitchen to help Claire clean up and she gives him the look, the one he knows asks and says 'are you okay/I'm here if you need to talk'all at the same time.

"I'm good. Thanks for not interrupting. We were talking…"

"Yeah, you guys did look very intent. Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, things are good."

LSY

He gets home to his dad, who was unnecessarily worried about his whereabouts, given that he was meant to come straight home after his appointment with the therapist. After apologizing and promising he'll try and remember in the future he finally tells his dad how unsuccessful he feels the session was. His dad listens, in the quiet intent way he has before answering.

"I can see where she's coming from – no wait! Let me finish! In the grand scheme of things eighteen months isn't very long, and she probably can't imagine Dave changing. She doesn't know him. You do. I do. He's been getting therapy as well, and the look on his face when he brought you home that night? The look on his face when you're just in the same room as him? Kurt…" his dad lets out a long sigh. "If I thought David Karofsky was the same boy he was eighteen months ago I wouldn't let you within fifty yards of him. You wouldn't want to be within fifty yards of him. You're not stupid."

He can feel his throat tightening and the prickliness behind his eyes at the threatening tears at hearing his dad reasons about why he's okay with him seeing Dave. He lets them spill over and lets his dad wrap him in a tight hug.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just been an emotional afternoon. Dave and I talked a lot. We're just… we're good. He's pretty amazing."

"Good. Good. You deserve amazing."

He feels emotionally shattered when he goes to bed that night, drained in a way he hasn't felt in a long time, but at the same time it feels good, like he's dealt with things he wasn't even aware he needed to deal with.

A week later he's at Dave's again, for Wednesday family dinner night, and he watches as Dave talks, and he wonders what it would be like, kissing Dave. To be kissed by him. He can't remember the first kiss, not really, too fuelled with fear and adrenaline, but he imagines Dave would start soft, tiny little butterfly kisses that would barely brush his skin… He carries on as usual, but his mind keeps coming back to wondering, and this is what he wanted to know how to deal with. He wants a kiss. Just a soft kiss goodbye, but he doesn't know how to ask for it…

"Kurt, are you alright? You seem a little distracted tonight."

"Uh, yeah. I am a little distracted. Sorry. I think I might head home."

"Okay."

Dave walks him to his car, as per usual, fingers entwining and squeezing in comfort, just letting him know that Dave's there. He likes how Dave doesn't push him to talk, that they have developed a strong foundation already with their friendship and communication. He pauses and turns before unlocking his car, just stepping that much closer into Dave's personal space, putting them almost nose-to-nose. He wants to do it, just fucking do it already, but it's as if he's got a glass wall in front of him. He just stares, Dave's eyes and lips mainly, but also his beauty spot and stubble, and he realizes Dave is staring back.

"Kurt? Are you… do you want me to kiss you?" He nods silently, cheeks heating, heart beating faster. "Do you want to kiss me?" He nods again, starting to feel a little ridiculous. "Can I kiss you?" He nods and squeezes his eyes shut, unable to believe just how pathetic he feels right now.

"Kurt… please… look at me. I need you to tell me it's okay…"

"It's okay…" he manages, barely audible to his own ears but Dave whispers 'okay'back just as quietly.

Dave doesn't cup his cheeks or pull him closer, just leans forward the two inches and presses, soft and quick, and then it's over. The fact that he feels it was over too fast makes him let out a little nervous giggle and he rubs his face into the front of Dave's shirt.

"Just so you know, just because you say okay now, doesn't mean you say okay to every time in the future. You say no and I stop immediately, okay?"

Kurt nods into his chest, smiling even though Dave can't see him, although he's pretty sure Dave doesn't need to see it to know just how happy he feels right now.