I'm a terrible human being. I deserve to die. Finn was the sweetest person to ever my life and crushed him. No longer purified because he's been tainted by my darkness. I know people hate me too. That's why I hate a reputation. No one had an opinion of you. I walked out of Comm Apps with Kurt pacing by my side.
"You should feel awful, you made him look like the bad guy."
"I know," I glumly spoke while staring at the tile in depression.
"I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to you again."
"I know."
"Hell, I don't even want to be seen with you."
"Don't bother."
I turned into a separate hallway when it seemed that Kurt was finally catching up with my realization.
"Wait what?"
"I get it!" The echo of my voice grabbing the hallway's attention. Kurt froze as I snapped at him and folded his arms.
"I, Rachel Berry am a cold hearted, non pleasurable, bitch!"
Surprised that teachers haven't remarked me about my language, I continued with my speech, since I already had everyone's attention.
"I don't deserve happiness or love. I don't deserve a god damn thing!" My sentence being slightly un comprehendible because of slight interruptions of my sobs.
"Haven't you realized that I'm not like every perverted, prostitute looking , self centered whore at this school!" My statement offending majority of the clusters around us.
"I'm much more worse that that!"
Kurt's expression was a combination of worry and guilty. Probably hoping I'm not about to confess what I've ever dared to share with the world.
"I am a suicidal believing bitch! And yes I may have anger issues but it doesn't mean I need you!"
Tears traced down my face as I grew furious but depressed at the same time.
"I-I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU!"
I turned on my heel, wanting to block every figure in that hall but stumbled upon Finn's at the end of the hall glaring at me. Staring at me with an expression I cant solve. This moment was as if we switched emotions. Me felling his disappointment and him feeling my anger and frustration. I didn't want to say a word that would strain anything that we still had. I strolled right passed him in silence as it stung me in the heart. I never want to be seen again after that moment. I'd rather jump off another cliff than appear in those halls and strive to survive the humiliation. Gossip spreads like wildfire, and I have the perfect wildfire to create.
...
The wind coursed through my hair. My skin absorbing all the air. All the pain disappearing once I move a single inch. I take in a breath until I know, he's right behind me, glaring at the back of my head. Of course he'd be here, this hadn't been the first.
"Do it…Do it and risk losing the life you could have."
I faced the drop while I slowly tilted but at the same time, his words were pulling me back up.
"I don't want a life, I don't deserve one."
I heard his boots scuffing against the rocks, coming towards me.
"You'd be right about one thing. You don't deserve one, but you sure as hell want one."
Being my only friend, he was never afraid to say what was on his mind in the moment.
"You don't know what I want. I don't even know for myself," I confessed as I stared blankly down upon the earth below me.
"No. but your words do. It's obvious. Your stories were dark and depressing yet creative and intriguing. And ever since you met Finn, your stories were more uplifting and positive. And they still kept that riveting quality."
I was silent. I'm positive this was his way of saying that Finn brought out the best in me. But I cant help but remind myself of how that worked out. I feel my jaw stiffen, trying to hold back my vulnerabilities from showing.
"I'm not saying to get back with him, just consider apologizing to him or this guilt that's building up inside, will eat you alive."
Its as if he was inside my head. The only person to not completely understand me, but to easily solve my thoughts by my actions and behavior. I stepped back, keeping my self grounded.
"You're a good person, I know you are and I know you want to be. You just need to figure out a way to let this Finn situation slide and move forward," It's as if god was speaking to me in this very moment. Kurt was surely a blessing, I have never met someone as realistic yet impossibly imaginable in my life. Every word he spoke, always led me towards the right decision.
"I cant," I finally let out, sounding dry because if I mess up, my face will turn into a waterfall of washed up memories.
"Why not?"
"It hurts too much." Simple as that. Yet there was more I was willing to share. "Hurt too much by someone I may or may have not loved."
His footsteps growing closer till he planted himself next to me. Not facing my direction but mimicking my position by facing the mountain range.
"You loved him, I know you did." Kurt stated as I scrunched my eyebrows and softened my tone.
"How, never being in a relationship, how am I supposed to know what love feels like? I only know a family oriented love."
"I thought you hated your parents?"
I giggled as I faced Kurt and held his hand. How could he be so clueless
"I do, but I'm not talking about them."
Kurt grew confused and I rapidly embraced him in a hug, crying into his shoulder.
"I love you Kurt. Your like a … gay brother I never had."
He chuckled, still probably shocked that I said that. Knowing that I have treated him like crap majority of the time. I stood straight, wiping my tears and smiling.
"I mean, we act like we hate each other, yet I have had my most memorable moments with you."
Kurt smiled and squeezed me tightly.
"I love you too Rachel."
All the guilt and sadness buried in this moment. He released me then brushed a few strand of hair behind my ear.
"How about you and I go out tonight? I mean, we are seniors. This should be our year…We should go camping!"
Yes, cause after ruining my boyfriends life and confessing my hatred for everyone, including myself, I want to go camping.
"Camping?"
Kurt nodded his head rapidly as the idea gave her chills as it felt the opposite for me.
"That's not happening," I rudely stated as I head back for the car.
"Come on. Just the 2 of us, in the woods, alone, with a fire-"
"Okay, are you proposing a slumber party or fornicating in a sleeping bag under the stars?" I asked hoping it was the first option. He rolled his eyes at my cruedness and wrapped an arm around me while trudging up the mountain to the vehicle.
"Trust me, it will take your mind off of everything."
It couldn't be that bad. Plus, it means no Finn, no parents, just me and my best friend.
"Fine, but no sex!" I hollered as I reached my door and he walked to the other side. I hopped into the car along with Kurt and pressed the radio button on his console.
"You know I hate music, especially with that new depressing Adele chick."
"Maybe you hate it, but music tends to be the number one stress reliever, believe it or not."
The first song belted out the lyrics "Don't forget me, I bet I remember you said!" I glared at Kurt who immediately pressed the #2 button. Then playing "There was a side to you that I never knew, never knew." sighed and slouched in my chair as he pressed the 3rd button. "We could've had it all, rolling in the deep!"
"O MY FREAKING GOD! THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT CALL ME MAYBE IM GONNA STALK YOU CRAP!"
Kurt quickly changed the station as I sat aggravated and then a familiar tune I recognized came on.
"Wait stop!"
He was startled then decided to let the song play. I slowly whispered the words to myself then ended up bursting the lyrics. As the chorus repeated, Kurt interrupted.
"Wow, you really have a gift."
"What?"
"You can sing like an angel and draw like Leonardo Da Vinci."
I smiled at his compliment as I leaned against the window and glared at the serene view. Thanking the lord he was there to rescue me before I made the worst mistake of my life.
I whispered the words as I slowly drifted to sleep.
"I need your grace, to remind me, of my own."
HummelBerry for some of the viewers! Love their relationship and what adventure the woods will bring! Next couple of chapters are fillers but lead up to where the horror begins! Song lyrics from "Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol". Please Comment!