Cas,
I'm struggling to find words. In a few months time I'll be celebrating my 59th birthday. Its been 25 long years.
At first I prayed to you every day, I hoped you'd come back. I was used to you leaving for weeks on end, so I didn't mind so much that you were gone. Sure I missed you, like crazy, for a while.
And then I realised you weren't coming back. You weren't answering my prayers, you didn't come when we did a summoning ritual. It hurt man. You dropped me, just like that. So I threw myself into hunting, I was nice as pie. I became the person you always were. Sammy thought I was ill, I wasn't the nice one growing up.
Thinking about it now, I don't understand why it had any impact on me. Everyone I ever got close to growing up, died. So you leaving was like you had died in my eyes. One more death, why did I have such a different reaction to loosing you ? I spent 6 years trying to think of why.
It was because I loved you. I don't know if it was romantic love or the kinda love you feel for a brother, maybe it was both, in an un-creepy way. But I loved you and you left me. I don't care if it was to protect me, or to protect yourself. You knew me. I fought off the damn apocalypse, I spent 40 years in Hell, and a year in Purgatory. I can take most things.
I think you ran away because you were scared of how you felt. You're an angel, you serve and love God unconditionally, that's it. So you started loving me, Sam and even Bobby before he died, and I think that terrified you. Your connection to me, broke a 'spell' made by an angel. That's terrifying.
I loved you, Cas. Loved. I spent 15 years waiting for you. That's more than half the time you've been gone. I spent 15 years thinking you'd come back. I stopped drinking, stopped hunting, after a while, I stopped going to strip clubs, I didn't talk to Sam for a while. I cut myself off from everyone and everything. Because I hoped it would bring you back. And then after 15 long years, I come to the realisation you were never coming back. And I had to start living my life. I had to forget about you.
I couldn't. You were always that niggling thought at the back of my head. The person I brought up when something reminded me of you, ' I watched Buffy the other day.' 'Oh really, I knew an angel. He left.' People were sick of hearing it. But slowly I started to remember you as an acquaintance. Not someone I loved, not someone I considered family, not someone who saved my life more than once, not someone who kept me sane through the hard times. Just the angel guy I knew.
That said, there's still an angel shaped hole in my heart. There's always the person I turn to and smirk at when I make a funny, and I remember that you're not there. There's always that part of me that wants my 'brother' back.
So it will probably kill me to see you again. But I'm not willing to try and forget you all over again.
You can come back, Cas.
I miss you like crazy man.
Dean.