A/N: This chapter is short. Staying in Bucky's head is so difficult. Things will get better for him soon, though. (Edited to remove redundant word choice)
I debated a lot about whether to include the sexual assault memory. But I decided HYDRA would have used it to get the results they wanted.
As long as he stayed on the move or in hiding, obedient to the first and second directives, the compulsion to surrender to HYDRA stayed quiet. The relief was minimal. The constant pressure to locate adequate cover and to scout and evaluate evasion routes left him no time to rest or forage. But since he had no clear mobilization orders other than to proceed to the assigned extraction point, he found himself circling the vicinity of the crashed helicarriers. They were still burning five days after he'd failed to neutralize Captain America. He'd watched fireboats circling, arcing jets of water and foam onto the smoking wreckage. Other vessels, smaller ones, carried crews of divers to the extinguished edges. He was too far away to observe much detail, but he could see that the returning boats were laden with body bags.
Had Steve had been rescued from the riverbank, or was he in one of those bags?
Directive Two: EVADE CAPTURE
In progress.
He was in motion before he could think any more about it.
He found shelter under the drape of a badly fastened tarp at a construction site, huddled into the slight space between it and a nearly completed cinder block wall. A little relatively clean rainwater had collected in the dips and folds of the tarp, which he funneled carefully into a cupped hand. It tasted like plastic and concrete dust, but wasn't contaminated enough to prove a hazard to his enhanced immune system.
He fished the paper package of salt out of his breast pocket , tore off a corner, and tapped a very small amount into his palm. After folding and replacing the packet so as not to lose any of the precious contents, he sucked the salt from his hand. Then he let his head fall back against the wall and closed his eyes briefly. He needed to sleep, but he did not feel safe enough to let it happen, not even enough to allow himself to unfocus. Everything startled him…footsteps across the street, a distant car horn, a couple of kids laughing as they passed. The constant stress was exhausting, undoubtedly by design.
Directive One: CONDITION ASSESSMENT
Recovery in progress, impaired by inadequate nutriment intake. Mobility approximately 55% of capacity. Head, abdominal and leg injuries evident but improved. Right shoulder motion acceptable. Prosthetic arm functional.
…Tired.
Directive Two: EVADE CAPTURE
No, please…
Directive Three: REPORT TO ALTERNATE RENDEZVOUS POINT
Unable to comply. Right arm shackled, prosthetic arm taken away. They had warned him that resisting would make it worse, but the hot breath on his neck and the hands everywhere drove him to panic. He struggled and fought and eventually cried. Blood ran down his forearm from twisting in the restraint.
He was on his back, gulping air in gasps and dry sobs.
Directive Three: REPORT TO ALTERNATE RENDEZVOUS POINT
Unable… There was a name on his lips, someone he barely recalled, whose face was little more than the outline of an obliterated image. There was a terrible emptiness from where that person had been ripped that opened into a yawning void that had been everything.
His metal hand dug hard enough through the mud to crack the concrete foundation.
Directive Three: REPORT TO ALTERNATE RENDEZVOUS POINT
No!
Then wipe him and start over.
His back arched, as he fought to suppress screams.
But I knew him!
His right hand contacted softness. There was warmth along his ribs. At first, he couldn't control his body long enough to even open his eyes. When he finally did, bright spots flashed in his vision and he could barely see. The yellow dog was lying along his side, staring at him with an inscrutable expression.
Dazed, he climbed unsteadily to his feet. He couldn't stay here. SHIELD agents were taking up positions all around. If he listened hard enough, he could hear them breathing. Their shadows whisked across the rooftops. When HYDRA finally launched its assault, he would not be able to mount an effective defense in his present condition.
The pain intensified beyond endurance and his resistance broke.
He stumbled out of the alley. The dog trotted briskly down the street. He estimated that he did not have enough reserve to reach the mapped rendezvous point, so he selected an alternative from the limited options.
Directive Three: REPORT TO ALTERNATE RENDEZVOUS POINT
Complying.