IMPORTANT INFORMATION!
I was just informed by a guest reviewer that I was reported for not labeling this story as angst. So chances are that this story or even my whole account will be deleted by FFn soon. If that should happen, all of you who are still interested in the rest of the story can find it and me on The Writer's Coffee Shop, Fictionpad and on Archive of Our Own. The penname's always Payton79. Thanks for reading this!
A/N: Hi my friends. I'm really excited that so many of you reviewed last chapter. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Unfortunately, there were a few guest reviews calling the characters names again. I told you before and I will do it again that I appreciate each and every opinion but I don't approve of insults, even if it's only insulting fictional characters. So I'd like to ask you to either voice your thoughts politely or not at all.
There was one guest review I'd like to address here in a little detail. The reader complained about reading many stories at the moment where Edward's made apologize or even grovel for something he's not guilty of. She/he wrote that the reason she sees is writers wanting Robert Pattinson to apologize to Kristen Stewart. I want to clear that up, assuring you that, when I first came up with the basic structure of this story, I didn't know Rob or Kristen even existed.
One more thing. Some of you seem to have gotten my "doormat" comment in my A/N wrong. I don't want Edward to be a doormat. I was just referring to him saying he wasn't one.
On to more important things. As always, I have to bow to EdwardsMate4ever and evelyn-shaye for their mad betaing skills. I also want to thank my dear friends and prereaders Vampgirl79 and LaPumuckl. All mistakes that are still in here are just mine because I made some last-minute additions.
Now I'll leave you to enjoy the chapter. See you at the bottom.
Disclaimer: I love it a lot, but I don't own it ;).
******POMH******
Chapter 30 – All Alone
As soon as I was inside my car, the floodgates opened, and I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Still, I struggled not to cry. No matter how much I wanted to let the emotions out, I needed to get away from Alice and Jasper's house, and more importantly, from a certain man inside.
After a futile attempt to wipe away the tears that just kept running down my cheeks, I turned my key in the ignition, revved the engine, and sped off as fast as I could. I wasn't really able to see through the blur in my eyes, and I was relieved when I reached my building without hitting anyone.
I felt a little bit more at ease, but at the same time, more lonely than ever before when I finally closed the door to my apartment behind me. Without switching on the light, I stumbled to the couch and sank down there, pulling my knees up and hugging them to my chest.
Now that I was alone and in my home, the reality of what had happened washed over me like a tidal wave. I'd planned to talk to Edward that night, to tell him that I loved him and wanted to be with him, putting myself out there — vulnerable and insecure. But instead of giving me the chance to do so, he'd started to attack me, accusing me of cheating on him and calling me names. He was the only person in the world I had ever told about my feeling cheap and slutty. I had trusted him with everything I had — my body, my heart and my soul. And he had betrayed that trust in the cruelest way. No one other than he had the knowledge and power to hit me where it really hurt.
With him, for the first time in my adult life, I'd had a feeling of safety and security. I had opened up to him, let him into my life like no one before him — not even Jacob. And tonight he had destroyed me.
I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there like a picture of misery, rocking myself back and forth in time with my violent sobs, but eventually a loud knock on the door startled me.
"Bella, please, open the door. I need to talk to you." The words came out in between heavy panting.
What did he want now? Hadn't he hurt me enough already? I couldn't stand to see him look at me the way he had at Alice's for even one more second. I wanted to yell at him, tell him to leave me the fuck alone. But I couldn't. I was paralyzed, unable to move or say anything.
"Bella, baby, please. I was so wrong, I'm so sorry. Please, hear me out." The knocks accompanying his words were louder this time, while his voice sounded more pleading.
To hear him call me "baby" was like grinding salt into my open wound. The term of endearment was something he only called me when we were alone and mostly when we were intimate. Hearing him say it now only reminded me of the fact that we would never be together like that again.
He said he was wrong. Of course he was. I wasn't guilty of anything he'd accused me of. Jacob kissed me, but I hadn't done anything to encourage him. I even pushed him away, because I loved Edward and couldn't even imagine kissing or touching someone else. But he'd jumped to conclusions without talking to me first. That truly revealed his opinion of me.
Why should I hear him out? He had clearly spoken his mind, and there was nothing more to add. He thought I was cheap and broke up with me. I didn't need any further explanations.
To know he was so close and yet completely out of reach brought on a fresh round of tears.
"Bella, please let me in. I need to explain. I made a mistake. I fucked up. Please, baby, give me a chance to make this right." He was still knocking, but it was lacking the same determination as before. He was either frustrated or growing tired.
Why should I give him a chance? There was no way he could ever make this right again. The second the word "cheap" left his mouth — a word that was the key to my most private fears and regrets — it had been too late. He could never take it back. It would forever be out there.
"Baby, I'm so, so sorry." The tone of his voice made it unmistakable that his sorrow was genuine. His knocks came in a slow, steady rhythm now, although they were beginning to grow weaker.
He really was sorry. I believed him without a doubt. But the fact that he'd said those hurtful words made it clear to me that, at least for one moment, he'd believed them. And that was enough.
The underlying desperation in his voice made me feel sorry for him. I loved him, and it hurt me to know that he was in pain. Without my conscious command, I rose from the couch, and my feet carried me over to the door. It was like a magnetic force pulling me toward him, to be as close to him as possible for what might very well be the last time ever.
"Bella, I can't live without you. I need to make this right. Please, talk to me." He almost choked those words out, and I rested my forehead against the smooth wood. My hand rose, and I placed my palm against the door as if I was caressing his face in a comforting gesture.
While I was biting back the noises that were building in my throat, I heard cloth scratch over the surface of the door. His next words came from further down, so I assumed he must have been sitting on the floor by then.
"Baby, I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me. I can't leave before I explain and apologize. Bella, please, don't give up on me. On us."
Yes, there had been an us. Although I'd tried my hardest to deny it, we'd been together — as a couple — far earlier than I'd been able to admit it to myself. It had come naturally to be close to Edward, being happy when he was around and missing him when he was not. For the first time ever, I'd experienced what a committed relationship could be like. But it had all ended within two minutes.
Trying not to make any noise to draw his attention to my presence so close to him, I slid down the door and sat with my back against it on the floor.
Sitting there, in the dark, I could feel his presence. We were sharing this moment of heartbreak with each other, neither of us able to make it go away. I wanted to be with him — to feel his touch, his kiss — but I couldn't forgive and forget like that.
"Get up, get up, stay on the scene like a sexmachine..." Edward had changed his strategy, and I had forgotten to set my phone to vibrate. To hear the familiar melody made my eyes water again. The memory of the first evening in my studio came to my mind. After the great sex we'd had that night, I'd awarded him that special song as his personal ringtone.
If my silence had made him wonder whether I was even home, the sound of my phone must have assured him that I was definitely inside and within hearing range.
"Bella, I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here until you talk to me. I can't lose you." He seemed to have gained some new determination because his voice sounded firmer and more confident.
A sob escaped my throat upon hearing his words. He didn't want to lose me, and yet, he had deliberately hurt me. And he hadn't hurt me randomly — no, he had unerringly chosen to do it thoroughly.
****POMH****
After sobbing quietly for hours, I must have fallen asleep sometime during the night, because I was startled when I was awakened by Edward's voice.
"Bella, I'll leave now. Please, call me. I need to talk to you. Please, give me one more chance."
From the direction his voice came from, he must have been standing. I lifted my head slowly from my arms and pulled my bent knees closer to my chest. My eyes felt puffy and dry from the amount of tears they'd shed. The daylight that was drifting through the window almost blinded me.
I could feel that Edward hadn't left yet. I could still sense his presence outside the apartment. All my instincts were driving me to get up, fling the door open and wrap my arms around him to beg him not to leave. But I couldn't. I felt like an invisible weight was pushing me to the floor, keeping me there.
When I heard his footsteps fade away, my chest felt tight, and I couldn't breathe. I was on the verge of a panic attack. To keep myself from hyperventilating, I put my head between my knees and tried to breathe slowly in and out. That moment, I realized I was all alone.
****POMH****
From then on, time didn't matter anymore. Minutes felt like days while, at the same time, hours went by like seconds. I moved around my apartment in a stupor, alternately feeling numb and physical pain at my loss.
After years of running away from emotional intimacy, I'd finally let someone into my heart again. I had trusted Edward, and he'd failed me. I couldn't keep from comparing what I was feeling to what I felt when Jacob threw me out of his apartment so many years ago.
Both times, I'd been in love with men who had betrayed my trust. And yet, there were major differences.
I'd loved Jacob for a long time. It was a slowly building, admiring kind of love — a love that you only felt for someone you'd known for a very long time. With Edward, it was all-consuming, passionate love at first sight — a love that, once you'd felt it, you couldn't live without.
Another very important difference was that Jacob had never promised me anything. Our nights together had just happened — without a commitment or big declarations beforehand. Edward had made me a promise to never hurt me. The night I told him about Jacob and my fear of trusting a man again, he promised me he would never betray the trust I had in him. And that was what hurt the most. He'd done exactly that.
I didn't eat, and I could hardly sleep. The silence in my apartment was like a painful drum in my ears. At one point, I tried to lie down on my bed, but Edward's scent still lingered on the pillows. In a frantic attempt to get rid of everything that reminded me of him and the pain he'd caused me, I ripped the sheets off the bed and threw the pillows on the ground. My eyes spotted a pair of scissors on the dresser. I grabbed them and stabbed his pillow like a mad woman until the feathers were raining down on me, covering the floor in white down. Tears were once again streaming down my face.
When there were no tears left, I felt exhausted. I climbed on the bed, curling up into ball on the bare mattress, and stared at the empty space on Edward's side of the bed. He'd only been there a few times, but it was his side. The void that was emanating from the empty space was threatening to suck me in. So I turned around, trying to forget he'd ever been there.
I was barely able to stay awake and yet, every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. Sometimes he was smiling at me, sometimes he was laughing, but each time, after a while, he was glaring at me with blood-shot eyes, yelling insults. The words that filled my head were even worse than the pictures: You really are cheap!
Every time I reached the point where I heard him say it, my eyes flew open, and I was gasping for air.
At some point during what I thought was early Sunday, I disconnected my phone that wouldn't stop ringing. My cell had already been switched off for a long time. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just sat or lay around, waiting for the pain to go away.
****POMH****
"Bella, honey. Oh my God."
I threw my arm over my eyes to shut out the light Alice was letting into the room when she opened the drapes.
"Alice, what are you doing here?" My voice was hoarse from disuse.
"I came looking for you." She stood in the middle of the bedroom, taking in the chaos. The sheets I'd yanked off the bed were still in a pile on the floor, and there were feathers everywhere. "I was worried. When we couldn't reach you or Edward over the weekend, we were sure you were making up. We only found out what happened when Edward came to work today, looking like shit. Jasper called me, and after picking up your spare key at home, I came straight over here." She sat down next to me on the bed, brushing my wild, wayward hair out of my face. "So you can't forgive him?" Her voice was soft, her eyebrows raised and her forehead wrinkled with concern.
I shook my head as fresh tears fell from my eyes. It felt much more final to tell someone else than only acknowledging it myself.
"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry," she whispered as she lay down on the bed beside me, throwing her arms around me and letting me cry against her neck.
She didn't try to get any information out of me, and she didn't try to make me feel better by reciting stupid phrases. She didn't even try to convince me to forgive Edward or anything like that. She held me, let me cry my heart out and listened to whatever I was willing to tell her.
Once I'd finally calmed down, she made me take a shower while she cleaned up the bedroom and insisted that I eat the pizza she'd ordered. Alice even offered to stay over and keep me company, but I declined.
"It's okay, Alice. I've been living alone for three years now. I'm a big girl," I assured her as she was gathering her stuff to leave.
"You don't have to. You can come stay with us for a few days if you want to." She looked at me with sad, sympathetic eyes.
I couldn't help but remember the night Edward and I met at their house. The memories their guest room held were as powerful as the ones here in my bedroom. So that wasn't really an option. Besides, I wanted to be alone.
"No, thanks. But, could you please do me a favor? Or better Jazz. Before I disconnected the phone, Edward tried to call me several times. Could Jasper please tell him to leave me alone?" I couldn't handle his calls. I didn't want to talk to him, I couldn't stand hearing his voice, and I didn't want to be afraid he could be waiting for me at my studio or anywhere else.
"Of course, honey. I hope you'll be feeling better soon. And if you need to talk to someone, you can call me any time you need me, even if it's in the middle of the night." With her brows raised in concern, she waited for me to acknowledge her offer.
"I know. Thank you, Alice." She hugged me goodbye and reluctantly left my apartment.
After closing the door behind her, I turned to look at the place that had always made me feel safe. Nothing had changed there, but in my life, everything was different.
What was I going to do now?
********POMH********
A/N: Again, not what most of you were hoping for. I'm sorry. Please, just have a little more patience and things will work out. There will be one more painful chapter and then things will get better, I promise.
You want a teaser for next chapter? Here it goes:
… Then her gaze wandered from my face over to the Christmas tree, resting on a small gift bag that was still lying under it. …
Not much to go on but there will be a few surprises. Again, I won't let you wait longer than five days max. Until then, tell me what you think, here or on FB in the group Payton79's Fanfiction.
See you next chapter.