IMPORTANT INFORMATION!

According to a guest review, I've been reported for not labeling this story angst. I don't consider it and angst story because I've read far more angst in stories that were labeled romance only. Anyway, I changed the label, hoping FFn will let it go. If they don't POMH might be deleted soon, maybe even my account will be deleted. For all of you who still want to know how this story ends, you can also find it and me on The Writer's Coffee Shop, Fictionpad and Archive of Our Own. My penname's Payton79 there too.

A/N: Happy Friday! POMH is back with the last completely angsty chapter. It'll get better soon ;).

Thanks for all your reviews. I'm totally overwhelmed how much you all care. You ladies are the best.

I want to shout out a loud "Thank you" to my amazing team: my betas, evelyn-shaye and EdwardsMate4ever as well as my prereaders Vampgirl79 and LaPumuckl. I have to warn you, though. There are a few paragraphs in here that have been added after editing and prereading. So, all the mistakes you'll find are mine alone.

Enjoy Bella's blue Christmas. See you at the bottom.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight …

******POMH******

Chapter 30 – Blue Christmas

"Did you make a decision about the company Christmas party tomorrow?" Alice asked me during our daily phone call on Thursday. She insisted on talking to me at least once each day. Sometimes, it felt a bit like she was making sure I wouldn't do anything stupid. On the other hand, it was the only human contact I had recently, apart from professional conversations with my assistant and occasional phone calls from customers, and I was grateful that my best friend cared about me like that.

The whole week I'd been going through the motions, trying to live my normal routines without feeling anything. Every day, I forced myself to get up in the morning, take a shower, eat at least a little bit, and go to work. In the evenings, I watched mindless action movies that I wouldn't normally watch, just to make sure there was nothing that could remind me of Edward. The worst part, though, was getting myself out the door.

For the first few days, every time I left the apartment, I was constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure Edward wasn't crouching anywhere to confront me. But he seemed to comply with my request to be left alone, for which I was grateful.

"I don't think I can go." I knew that I couldn't avoid him forever, but it was way too soon to even be in the same room as him.

"But you have to be there. You worked hard for the company this past year, and you belong there," she insisted.

"Edward …" I needed to take a break to swallow before I could continue. It was the first time I'd spoken his name in about a week, and it hurt. "He'll be there, too. I don't think I can face him yet." Over the last few years, I'd come to enjoy the events the agency organized for its employees. There was an annual barbecue in the summer that was just as nice as the Christmas party. Although Jasper was my only close friend in the company, I enjoyed spending time with a lot of my coworkers. As much as I couldn't bear to see Edward, I actually didn't want to miss out on the event.

"I promise that he'll leave you alone. Jazz and I will be by your side the whole time if you want us to. Come on, you can't just back out like that. If you don't go, I won't go either. It's our last chance to see each other before Jazz and I fly out to Chicago for Christmas." That was the Alice I knew. She wouldn't take no for an answer. And she was right. I'd completely forgotten that they were leaving the day after tomorrow to spend the holidays with Jasper's family.

I knew she wouldn't get off my back until I agreed. "Okay, I'll go. But I won't stay long."

"Great. We'll pick you up at seven." I could hear her smile through the phone.

I envied Alice for being so cheerful over something so small. Nothing could make me smile these days.

Anyway, I had to stop her there, feeling desperate to have a means of escape if it all got too much. "No, I'll meet you there. I want to be able to leave whenever I feel the need to."

She sighed but conceded. "Fine. I have to go now. Talk to you later, hun."

"Good night, Alice. I'll call you tomorrow."

So, now that the check-call part of the evening was over and done with, I found myself facing the same problem I had every night. I was alone in my empty apartment, and although he hadn't been here often, everywhere I looked I saw Edward. Even after a week, I was still having a hard time finding sleep in the bed that once smelled like him, and when I finally made my way into dreamland, I woke up shortly after, soaked in sweat, with Edward's last words at the party ringing in my ears. Maybe you really are cheap!

And still, although he'd hurt me so deeply, I missed him like crazy. His absence made my heart ache. The void he'd left behind seemed to suck me in. I longed not only for his gentle touch but for his soothing warmth and the way in which he made me feel safe.

But no matter how much I missed our closeness, it was a thing of the past. He'd shown his true colors and he could never take it back. Whether I liked it or not, we would never be us again, and I had to learn to live with that.

So, just like the nights before, I switched the TV on and tried to kill some time until the inevitable fight for a few hours of sleep would begin.

Another long and painful night was ahead of me.

****POMH****

I was all dressed, my hair and make-up done, and ready to go to the Christmas party. All day, I'd refused to think about what might happen there. It had been exactly one week since the party at Alice and Jasper's. One week since I'd last seen Edward. Seven days of missing him, hating him and hurting over his insults were behind me. How many more were still ahead before I would eventually be able to move on?

I tried to push those thoughts away as I entered my car. I took three deep breaths before I started the engine and drove off.

Arriving at the restaurant, I decided to park in the building's underground parking garage. It didn't take long until I found an empty spot to my left. As I was about to pull into it, the headlights of my car passed the license plate of the silver Volvo that was parked to the right. I instantly felt like someone had kicked me in the gut upon recognizing the very familiar car.

My hands clamped tightly around the wheel as my breathing sped up. Pictures of the time I'd spent in the vehicle in front of me flooded my mind — the evening I spilled my guts about my disastrous experience with the only man I'd ever loved before, the exciting drive home from the movie theater after watching Skyfall, the journey to Forks to spend Thanksgiving with my family, the many times we'd said goodbye in front of my building.

Tears began to spill from my eyes as the overwhelming images assaulted my brain. My chest started to hurt from the effort it took me to fill my lungs with air. I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against the steering wheel, trying to get my erratic sobbing under control.

I had no idea how long I sat there like that or how many cars honked at me, annoyed by the fact that my car was partly blocking their path.

Once my panic attack was slowly subsiding, my phone rang with Alice's ring tone, and that seemed to be the cue for my getaway. I lifted my head and stepped on the gas, leaving the place where I knew that Edward was waiting only a few feet away.

If I broke down like that only by a look at his car, how was I to handle seeing him in person? I wasn't yet in a state where I was strong enough to expose myself to that kind of stress.

Alice called again just as I closed the door to my apartment. Fumbling to get the phone out of my purse, I walked over to my couch, slipped out of my shoes, and sat down with my knees drawn up against my chest.

"Alice, I'm sorry. I can't do it." I shivered, and a fresh round of tears streamed down my face.

"Bella, honey, where are you? What happened?" She sounded worried.

I was sobbing once more, sorry to bother my friend with my heartache again. "I'm at home now. I was there. I was about to park when I recognized his car in the next spot. I can't see him. Not now, maybe not ever."

"Hang in there. I'm coming over." Before I could object, she hung up on me.

****POMH****

Although I insisted she should go back to spend the evening with Jasper, she stayed over until long after midnight to keep me company and distract me from my pain. Then we said our goodbyes, and I wished her a good flight and happy holidays. I knew mine wouldn't be.

****POMH****

"Hey, honey. It's great that you're finally here." Sue hugged me as soon as I stepped into the house, still brushing the snow off my winter coat.

I'd left Seattle around noon to reach Forks in time to celebrate Christmas Eve with my family. The normal three-hour drive took me a whole lot longer today because, as soon as I was out of the city, it started to snow massively. Not only was there no chance of speeding, but most of the other cars on the highway were creeping around.

"Hi, Sue. I'm so glad I'm here. The trip was hell." The house smelled like cinnamon and oranges like it always did that time of year. The familiarity was comforting and made coming home worth while.

"Then it's a good thing that you have two days to recover before you have to go back," she said, smiling as she took my coat from me.

I wasn't so sure that it was a good idea to stay here for two nights. In fact, I was dreading the next two days. Charlie and Sue were the only family I had, and I wanted to spend Christmas with them, but I was afraid of what being in their house would do to me.

The last time I'd come here, I'd brought Edward, and we'd spent two very happy days and nights here. Actually, that had been the start of what I'd thought could have been a real relationship. How wrong I'd been.

I was glad that Charlie, coming down the stairs, pulled me out of my inner monologue.

"Hi, Dad," I greeted him and hoped it sounded cheerful.

He wrapped his arms around me for a long moment. "Hi, Bells." The way he held onto me was out of character for him, and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more to it.

I heard Sue quietly clear her throat and Charlie pulled away.

"It's good to have you here again," he stated, awkwardly sliding his hands into his pockets. "Do you have anything in the car that needs to be unloaded?"

"Yes, there are two bags in the trunk."

"I'll go get them," he said before I could object. "You go upstairs and freshen up. I'll be right back."

****POMH****

A few hours later, after we'd had dinner, we moved into the living room to sit on the couch in front of the Christmas tree. Just like every year, it was decorated with ornaments that were either heirlooms of my grandparents' or decorations I'd made myself when I was a child.

The Christmas stockings that had been part of the holidays for as long as I could remember were hanging from the mantelpiece. It was all cozy and familiar, but I was unable to relax. Strangely, neither Charlie nor Sue had mentioned Edward's name since I'd arrived. Normally, when we talked on the phone, it didn't even take a minute before they would ask about him. It kind of seemed like they knew it was better not to talk about him. I just couldn't figure out how they would know.

"So, let's start opening the presents," Sue suggested when we were all comfortably seated.

Since I'd been fifteen, it had been a tradition in our family to open the presents on Christmas Eve rather than on Christmas morning.

Charlie stood up and walked over to the tree, taking a little present wrapped in green and red paper from the floor and handing it to Sue.

"Darling, this is for you. Merry Christmas." He kissed her cheek and sat down on the armrest of the couch right next to her.

Without much ado, Sue ripped it open and revealed a black plastic box with a jeweler's name on it. As soon as she saw it, she smiled happily before she lifted the lid. Inside the box was a delicate gold watch with a black leather wristband. Her smile widened at the sight of it.

She reached up and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him down to her. "Oh, Charlie, thank you so much."

"You said you needed a new watch. So I thought, you know, I'd get you one." He seemed to be a little uncomfortable with her display of gratitude, but at the same time, he was smug that he'd gotten her something she really liked.

"It's such a pretty watch." She pulled it out and put it on her wrist, twisting her arm to admire it with the light dancing off the glass. "Thank you."

Next, Sue handed Charlie his present, which turned out to be a new fishing pole. The thing seemed to be the newest model, and my dad was totally blissful.

I gave both of them my wrapped gifts, and they opened them together. I felt a small pang at the memory of the day I'd been Christmas shopping with Edward. But I forced a smile on my face when they thanked me for the jacket and the gloves.

"This is for you, honey. We hope you'll like it." Sue handed me a flat, square present, about fifteen inches wide.

I slowly opened the wrapping at the seams and uncovered an photo book, shot by my favorite landscape photographer. I'd wanted that book for a while, but it was quite expensive.

"Thank you so much. How did you know I wanted this?" I reached over to hug Sue, then walked over to my dad, who was still sitting on the armrest, to embrace him as well.

"A little birdie told us," Sue admitted, smiling at me.

Then her gaze wandered from my face over to the Christmas tree, resting on a small gift bag that was still lying under it. I'd noticed the gift and wondered what it was when I put my presents under the tree earlier in the evening. Sue's smile turned into a slight frown before she looked at Charlie with her brows furrowed and her lips pressed in a tight line.

My dad stood up again and bent down to pick up the little bag, then handed it to Sue. After taking a deep breath, she turned to me.

"Bella, honey, there's something else for you." I looked at her in confusion. I'd already gotten my present and it wasn't usual for them to give me more than one. Both my parents appeared to be anxious about that thing.

I motioned to the book in my lap. "But I already have my gift here."

"It's not from us, sweetie. It's from Edward," Sue said carefully, apparently waiting for my reaction.

I pulled in a sharp breath, fighting back the tears that started pooling at the sound of his name.

"Before you say anything, just listen to me," she continued. "He came here the day he had to leave for Chicago, driving the whole way, just to leave it here for you. He told me that he made a big mistake and that he hurt you badly. He said you had every right to be upset and that he would understand if you never speak to him again." She stopped talking, smiling sadly when she saw the tears that were threatening to brim over. "He said that, no matter what happened between you, he wanted you to have this." She held the bag out to me, but I was paralyzed, unable to take it. "He wanted us to give it to you because he was afraid you might throw it away if he just left it at your door or sent it to you in the mail."

My tears were flowing freely now, and my dad handed me a handkerchief. I didn't bother to wipe my face because I was sure I was far from done crying for the night.

"Bella, even if you don't want it now, you should keep it. You can open it sometime later, maybe much later. But it's a really special gift. You'd regret if you threw it away." Her voice was soft and sympathetic, her brows raised with concern while her hand was resting on mine in a soothing gesture.

"How do you know what's in it?" I managed to ask when her words finally registered with me.

"He asked for my help a few weeks back. He put a lot of effort into this." She looked at Charlie as if waiting for some assurance from him, before turning her eyes back to me. "I'm not going to give you any advice here. I don't know what happened, and I'm not asking you to tell us. I'm just begging you to think about accepting it, and if you're not ready to open it now, take it home with you. Someday, you might be happy to have it." When I didn't take the bag from her, she placed it in the middle of the coffee table and wrapped her arms around me, stroking my back while I cried against her shoulder.

Although Charlie had never been one for emotional outbursts, he kept sitting where he was, patting my head to give me whatever comfort he had to offer.

****POMH****

When I'd calmed down a little, we opened a bottle of wine and watched It's a Wonderful Life on TV before calling it a night.

For the last eight years, every time I'd been in their house, I'd dreaded entering my bedroom, afraid that the memories of my screwed-up first time with Jacob would bring me down. The anxiety I'd felt over the past years had nothing on the strangling fear I felt when I stood in the upstairs hall, my hand on the knob, trying to calm down just enough to walk inside.

Four weeks ago, Edward had been in there with me. In one passionate and loving night, he'd managed to erase the bad memories that had been residing in my room and replaced them with memories of love and security. Now that these feelings didn't exist anymore, it was harder than ever to go inside.

Determined to not worry Charlie and Sue any further if they came upstairs to find me standing outside my room, trying to breathe evenly, I closed my eyes and opened the door. Without blinking, I walked in, closed the door behind me and rested my back against the cool wood.

After a few minutes, I opened my eyes, lay down on my bed and let the memories crush me. I cried silently for what felt like hours. I cried for the girl who'd been cruelly disappointed after trusting her oldest friend. I cried for the young woman who'd given herself to dozens of men, trying to forget the pain and regain her self-esteem. I cried for the woman who'd struggled to give love a second chance, only to get hurt again. I let all the emotions rip through me, trying to get everything out of my system.

Sometime after midnight, I had no more tears left for the day and dozed off to an uneasy sleep.

****POMH****

I spent the next day cooking with Sue, eating with her and Charlie, and taking a walk with them through the snowy streets of my little hometown. It was familiar and somehow comforting. I reveled in the feeling of having the people around me who cared for me the most. Still, I couldn't shake off the fear of another night like the last one. So, when it was late afternoon, I made the decision to return to Seattle instead of staying for one more night.

Sue looked at me with worry in her eyes as we were standing in the hall. "You're sure you want to drive back tonight? You're looking tired, honey."

"Yes, I'm sure. I need to be alone for a while. And I have to work tomorrow." I tried to sound sincere, but I knew that I didn't manage.

Charlie helped me put my coat on before he wrapped his strong arms around me. "Take care, kiddo. And come back soon. I love you"

"I'll try, Dad. I love you, too. Both of you." I looked up to find Sue standing behind Charlie, nervously fidgeting with the red gift bag I'd tried so hard to forget.

Charlie let go of me as she cleared her throat.

"Sweetie, you should take this with you. Do whatever you want with it, but, please, don't throw it away." Her eyes, wide open, were pleading with me.

I breathed once, grabbed the bag, hugged my stepmother, and quickly left the house.

********POMH********

A/N: I promise this was the last chapter ending sadly. In the end of next chapter, you'll all feel hopeful again. Do you want a little sneak peek? Here it goes:

… I didn't feel ready for this, but something told me I had to find out what it was that Edward considered important enough to take a six-hour drive to make sure I'd keep it. …

Yes, you'll learn what's in the gift bag. There might be some surprises in there but I'm sure some of you already have an idea what the present could be. If you do, please, let me know. I'm very curious to read your thoughts.

I have to warn you that, this time, I might not be able to reply to your reviews as quickly as I usually do. We have family visiting with us this whole weekend and I won't be able to spend much time in front of the computer. But I promise, as always I'll answer every one that's left by a logged-in reader who hasn't disabled PM's.

I'll probably post the next chapter on Wednesday. Until then, leave me your thoughts here or on FB in the group Payton79's Fanfiction.

CU