Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.
Prompt #14: Honorable - He didn't tell her how he felt. He couldn't monopolize her happiness or bear her rejection.
Words: 1,030
She's awake. She's alive.
That's all I can think of at the moment. That - and the fact that she knows.
She knows. I told her. About my feelings.
Calm down Castle. I pause, take a second to fix my hair, and compose myself. I gotta keep it together. Keep it cool, Rick.
The cops don't stop me when I walk in. I put a grin on my face and get ready with my opening line - which dies in my throat when I see the scene in front of me.
Josh is beside her, muttering something about her hospital bracelet looking good but not being diamonds. They look up when the door shuts behind me. Kate smiles - God she looks exhausted - and says, "Hey, Castle."
My words fail me. My hand stops in a half-wave and goes back to hold the vase of flowers I'd gotten for her. Flowers that would be lost in the sea of flora surrounding her bed. Way to be original, Castle, I berate myself.
Josh says he'll be back after rounds, kisses her forehead goodbye, and passes by me without a word. There's still tension after our earlier fight; I can feel it leave the room with him.
"Hey." Way to be smooth, genius. Bestselling author, and you open with 'Hey?' Fantastic.
"You're staring at me. I must look really bad." Her hand comes up to push back the bangs in her face, but she stops the motion to shield her face.
"Nah, I just never thought I'd see you again." I keep staring at she glances up at me again. "I - heard you were opening a flower store," I continue, hoisting up my vase, "so I thought I'd pitch in." I put it on the only open space left as I sit in the chair Josh just vacated.
"They were all here when I woke up. I think they're mostly from the precinct. I don't think I'm going to live this one down, Castle," she confides.
The need to crack a joke arises, and I take it in stride. "No, probably not."
Yes! A smile. It still works. It makes her look less pale and tired. More like herself.
"I hear that you tried to save me."
"Yeah, I uh - " Wait, what? Did she say - "You heard?" I repeat. "You don't remember me tackling you?"
"No, I don't remember much of anything."
She doesn't remember? She doesn't remember me tackling her - too late, my treacherous belittling voice snipes - or my frantic pleas for her to stay with me?
"I um, remember that I was on the podium, and then I remember everything just going black."
I look down briefly, too stunned to let her see my confusion. She doesn't remember - anything?
"You don't remember - " I want to say my confession but something stops me. My conscience. It tells me to stop, to rethink my words, and say something else entirely. I swallow. " - the gunshot?" I go with instead.
She gives the tiniest shake of her head. "No."
Which means she doesn't remember anything after that. Not my failed heroic attempt to save her. Not my tears. Not my confession. Nothing.
And I thought my heart couldn't break into tinier pieces than it had when she coded in the ambulance.
Kate keeps speaking like she doesn't see how much her words hurt. "They say there are some things better not being remembered."
"Yeah." I know it's true. The shot would haunt her if she remembered. My words would drive a wedge between us if she remembered them.
I couldn't tell her. Not if it would knock her off her axis again.
She moves on to another topic. "I keep seeing his face Castle, every time I close my eyes I see Montgomery lying on the hanger floor." I glance down, recalling that exact image that was forever burned into my mind. "You should've let me go in there."
"They would have killed you." I know that with every fiber of my being.
"You don't know that."
Stubborn girl. "Kate..."
"Castle," she cuts me off. "I'm really tired, right now."
International code for Get the Frack Out. "Of course," I say, getting up. "Of course. We'll talk tomorrow."
I'm almost to the door when I hear her say, "Do you mind if we don't?" I look back, confused. She doesn't look at me. "I just need a little bit of time."
Time to think. Time to re-evaluate. Time to recover. "Sure," I say, giving a small smile. "Sure. How much time?"
"I'll call you, okay?"
She looks up at me, looking so hurt and lost and alone. I have to give a small smile to cheer her up. "Sure."
As I leave, I realize that I can never tell her. She doesn't remember, and I can see that it's better that way. If she did, it could hurt her far more than that bullet did. She has her mother's case. She has her job. She has Josh.
I can't take that from her. I can't take her hatred if she blamed me.
So I'll be the honorable man, the plucky best friend instead of the greedy lover or, god forbid, rejected suitor. I'll just watch out for her, protecting her as best I can without showing just how much I love her.
I wait until I'm back in my study before the tears are able to prickle past my defenses.
Being an honorable guy is more painful than I could have ever believed possible.
Introspect for "Rise" again, because I know Castle had to be torn all through that hospital scene.