A/N - Usual disclaimers and warnings apply...
And I didn't get a chance to write back to everyone who reviewed. Thanks and I hope everyone is having a great day.
Abby arrived home late; having discovered a substance on the newest victims clothing that needed immediate testing. She had expected to find Tim in bed sleeping but instead found him in their shared office with his laptop in front of him. Abby understood the feelings you went through as a parent after having punished a child, however she was surprised by the look of despair he still expressed.
"You ok?" she asked quietly as Tim looked up from his work he wasn't actually accomplishing.
"Ya…" he ventured seeing if by saying the word allow it would make it more true. "No" he decided was the actual response needed.
"What's up?" Abby asked walking across the room placing herself against the desk between the computer and her husband. Tim leaned back in his chair and looked up into his loving wife's face. He took a few moments trying to put into words the feelings he had been trying to work through. At first he'd been confused as to why he had been feeling so much more out of sorts than any other time he'd been in the same situation. But after some thought and soul searching he understood the problem.
"Well … I feel like a complete heel… that's what's up" Tim answered his tone deprecating and dripping with self-loathing.
"Oh Kay" Abby answered slowly unsure of what must have happened to have Tim feeling and acting this way.
When Tim didn't offer a better explanation or continue speaking Abby tried to help him voice his concerns by suggesting "Why don't you start at the beginning and maybe I can help you figure this all out?"
Tim began slowly starting from the moment he walked through the front door and continued right through to the moment he tucked Lucas into bed. His description was just that, an account of the happenings, a step by step process of the occurrences so that Abby had all the factual information he did.
"Oh Kay" she said again once he'd finished "What in all that has you acting like this?" she inquired.
"I acted like my own father… and I keep doing that… even though I try so hard not to" Tim spat out.
"What did you do that made you feel that way?" Abby started and paused as Tim rolled his eyes. "Look Mr. McPity the way you recounted the situation I am not understanding exactly your problem… How about you fill in the blanks?"
Taking a deep breath for the millionth time that night Tim started "It isn't what I did exactly. I have thought about it hard and I do believe that that young man deserved every lick he received… but it wasn't actually the punishment itself that was the problem… it was everything I said leading up to it… I told him what he had been thinking… I told him what he'd done… I told him what he'd been feeling… and again… I don't think I was wrong in my assessment… the problem is I told him" Tim explained highlighting the word told every time he said it. "I didn't give Lucas a chance to explain himself… I used the words to give him the chance… but they were just words… how I said them… how I offered… they didn't really leave any room for explanation… they were just words… the opportunity to actually explain… wasn't there… I was too angry… I wasn't thinking about how the inability to express his thoughts, even if they were exactly as I expected, would make him feel about the whole situation… it's easier to accept the consequences of your actions if you feel like you were heard… I know how that feels… and I promised I wouldn't do that to any of my children… and I did do it" he finished.
"I see" Abby said through clenched teeth feeling sorry for her two guys. She understood how Tim must feel, having broken a promise he'd made about being different than his cold uncaring father, and Lucas for being shut down in a way he was unaccustomed.
"Look … Tim… You can fix this… you just need to apologize and give Lucas the chance to explain even if it is later than would be perfect" she said leaning down taking his face in both her hands and then planting a gentle kiss on his lips.
"I can't apologize" Tim said confused. "If I apologize he'll think I disagree with the reprimand… and I don't… he did deserve it… I was hard… and I don't want him to think that I am going back on that decision" Tim cut back.
"You can apologize" Abby insisted looking annoyed and giving a very good rendition of a Gibbs "knock it off" look. "And you will… Lucas is old enough to listen… and understand the nuances of the situation… you said yourself that you could tell he felt differently about the whole situation and that he reacted differently than normal… he may need help to identify the particular details that are making it feel out of place…" Abby explained.
She took both of his hands and tugged him to a stand. "Com' on I'm tired… let's go to bed and tomorrow you can talk to Lucas and fix everything… you'll see…" Abby turned towards the door keeping hold of one hand while she pulled her reluctant spouse along behind her.
XXXXXX NCIS XXXXXX
The early morning light streamed through the slats in the semi opened blinds that were gently batting the window frame as the breeze flowed through the window. Lucas stirred slowing coming into a waking consciousness. Turning his head away from the light, he squinted, his eyes adjusting to the brightness he wasn't expecting. He startled as a figure came into focus, someone was sitting on his chair their legs propped up on the end of his bed. "Dad?" he said asking a much longer question in just the one word.
"I thought we should talk" Tim answered knowing what his son meant.
"Aaarggh" Luc groaned burying his face in his pillow, he had no interest in talking, and there had been enough of that last night and none of it productive.
"Ok then… I'll talk and you listen" Tim offered, understanding why Lucas would be hesitant to jump into any oral debate.
Tim didn't wait for an answer, he needed to clear the air and even if it meant talking to the back of Lucas' head he was going to do it. He'd been sitting here for over an hour waiting for the boy to wake up. Unable to sleep himself, Tim had woken, showered and come to wait hoping that today would go better for both he and his son with this conversation over.
"Lucas, I wanted to apologize yesterday for the way I behaved" Tim began. His shocked son shot up, pushing his torso up with his arms. "Don't look so surprised" Tim scoffed. "I want you to listen."
Lucas lowered himself back on to the bed his head now resting on the pillow and facing his father. "I'm listening" he said wanting to encourage the man to get on with it.
"I am not apologizing for punishing you, just so you know. I do believe that your accumulated offences warranted serious correction" he paused as Lucas huffed derisively. "Lucas, please" Tim asked.
"Ok" the teen replied hiding his face back in his bedding.
"I am sorry though for how I treated you." Lucas turned once again this time his expression confused.
"What I mean is I didn't let you explain yourself. I may have asked you what happened but I didn't really give you the time or … provide the atmosphere… that would let you do just that… I made assumptions… which I still believe to be true… but I didn't allow you to time to rebut them… or give you a chance to give your reasons… and for that I am very sorry and I hope you can forgive me" Tim finished.
Lucas turned enough to be able to see his dad's face and took several moments to study it. His demeanor was calm, his face reflected the feelings of remorse sincerely and he seemed to be waiting for some sort of acknowledgement from him.
"Sure" Lucas said hesitantly.
"Sure?" Tim repeated as a question. "If you are not ready to forgive me, I can see why…" Lucas interrupted before Tim could finish his sentence. "No… that's not what I meant… I forgive you… I …" it was Luc's turn to be unsure of how to proceed.
"What is it son?" Tim asked moving from the chair to sit beside Luc on the bed, his hand on his child's back. Luc dropped his face back into the pillow, too embarrassed to voice what he was thinking and feeling. Tim waited a few more moments before trying again "Look Luc, it's not always easy to say what you're feeling, but I promise you that I will listen to whatever you have to say. And we can work it out, it is much easier to do it together and then maybe we won't get ourselves into this mess again." Tim smiled and bent down in hopes of Lucas seeing his open attitude.
"I wasn't upset… " Lucas paused trying to find the right words "I wasn't upset about that thing" the boy stopped seeing if his father could miraculously jump to the correct conclusion so he didn't have to continue.
Tim could tell Lucas was very uncomfortable and so tried to figure out exactly what the issue was and help his child put the feelings into words. "You didn't like … how hard I was on you?" Tim ventured trying to think like a 13 year old and trying not to let his own beliefs to cloud his suggestions.
"Not exactly" Lucas replied throwing himself onto his pillow. He felt both embarrassed and stupid but his Dad was apologizing for the wrong thing as far as he was concerned. His father was obviously disturbed by that situation and needed to unburden his conscience but it wasn't the thing that had bothered Luc the most. The not being able to explain himself wasn't what had made him feel the most uncomfortable.
Tim was trying very hard to think through what had happened the night before to determine what exactly what was the problem. He was looking for everything to be resolved and had thought that his apology would be the answer. Yet he had misinterpreted the situation, which was making him feel detached one again. Waiting for Luc to elaborate Tim was able to get back to a place of comfort. He surmised that he had felt wrong in how he had dealt with his son, and so his apology was necessary as he needed to feel like there wasn't anything hanging between them.
Lucas wasn't offering any more and Tim was feeling pressure to get their day started. He wanted to afford his child all the time in the world but he was coming to the conclusion that Lucas would wait there all day hoping Tim would be struck with the right answer. Since that was very unlikely to happen Tim pushed a little harder. "Luc please just tell me what the problem is, I can't help fix it and I don't seem to know what's wrong… I wish I did… I really do… but I need help… please just tell me… are you worried I will be angry with you?" He asked verifying that Lucas' hesitancy was borne out of embarrassment or inability to portray in words his issue rather than fear of retribution.
"No… I just feel stupid…" Luc answered. "If you feel it … it's not stupid" Tim explained, feeling badly that maybe he had brought Lucas up in an environment where emotions were not allowed, as himself had been.
Sounding so much like his mother in tone, speed and countenance Lucas finally spilled "Ididn'tlikethatihadtoleanonthedesklikeIhaf'taatsc hool'causeitmakesitfeellikeschoolandnothomeandlike I'mnotyoursandyoudon'twantmenearyou'causeyou'resom adyoudon'twantoevenbetouchingmeandyoudon'twantmean dthenithurtsomuchandIwasjustcryinandIcouldn'tholdo ntoyouand…" Luc finally stopped for a breath, tears spilling once again down his cheeks.
Tim picked Lucas up from the bed, as if he were a tiny child and held him close. Tim squished the boy with all his might, kissing his head over and over again. "You silly boy" Tim chided playfully "I always want you near me… you will always be mine… no one… or nothing will change that…" Lucas cried finally able to release the last of the pent up guilt, shame and the feeling of being unwanted. Tim held the boy close, kissing his head every now and again while smoothing his hair. Tim waited for Lucas to initiate the end of the hug, and when the boy finally shifted enough that Tim thought he wanted to move he said "Lucas I am so sorry that my decision made you feel that way. I assure you that my actions were carried out not because I wanted to be away from you but because I was trying to convey the seriousness of the situation. I will make sure in future that you understand the whole situation next time" Tim clarified.
"There isn't going to be a next time" Lucas said a playful smile jumping across his face.
"Nothing would make me happier if that were the case" Tim said finally able to walk out of the room feeling the tension and stiffness had been lifted.
XXXXXXX NCIS XXXXXXX
Tim entered the kitchen to find Sam eating breakfast at the table and Abby combing the fridge for her morning caf-pow. Tim approached his wife from behind and taking her around the waist turned her so that he could hug her properly.
"To what do I owe such a wonderful morning greeting" Abby inquired her eyes dancing.
"I have just emotionally lived a full day and a half and it is only 7:30 am" he explained.
"Ah, I take it you got everything cleared up with Lucas then" she asked already knowing the answer.
"Yes, thank goodness"
"Well what…" she began but stopped seeing Sam staring at the pair of them with great interest.
"I'll tell you on the way to work. We can all drive together since the boys will be late if they have to walk now" Tim ventured.
The mundane routine of the morning helped to smooth over any remaining rough edges of the night before and both boys waved goodbye as the car pulled away from the curb.