I know a lot of you were looking forward to this one. I hope I did it justice!

A Chill Goes Through Her Veins

The next time Kate opened the journal was two days later, a rainy Sunday morning. She had the day off and, given the weather, no desire to venture far from the bedroom and the warmth of her bed partner. It was early yet, but she'd never been much of one for sleeping in. And this journal had really captured her, piqued her curiosity.

She'd always loved his writing, his way with words. That was no secret. But this was different. Nikki Heat was based on her, yes, but this was actually about her, no characters in between to blur the lines between fiction and reality. This was Castle, writing about her and only her, honest and open, chronicling their story from day one. And somehow, reading it made it seem even more amazing - how far they'd come.

She flipped to the fifth entry, sneaking a glance at her partner as she did so, briefly wondering if she should wait for him. They'd read together so far and somehow that seemed fitting. It was their story, after all.

Castle was lying next to her, sprawled on his stomach, sheet slung low over his back. He was facing her, relaxed in sleep, features soft and handsome, and he looked so adorable that she didn't want to wake him.

Kate sighed happily, tracing his cheek, his jaw, with her finger. Sometimes it was still hard for her to believe they were here, living together in the loft. That she got to wake up next to him every morning, usually naked. She smiled at the thought, her hand dropping to the bed again.

Castle hummed softly, sleepily shifting closer to her warmth, seeking her out. One eye blinked open blearily, her face the first thing to come into focus. She was gazing down on him lovingly, radiant smile, soft features shining with happiness, and he couldn't think of a single better way to start the day.

He forced his other eye open, squinted against the light. "Morning."

She smiled, leaned down to kiss his temple. "Morning sleepyhead."

He rolled onto one side, pushed up on his elbow. "How long have you been up?"

She shrugged. "Not long."

"You're reading?"

She followed his line of sight to her hands, the journal resting between them. "I was just about to. But you distracted me." The last words slipped out without permission and Kate bit down on her tongue, but it was too late.

Castle raised an eyebrow smugly. "And how exactly did I manage that while sleeping?"

Her eyes flicked to his naked form, just briefly, but Castle noticed, smirked. "Like what you see?"

Kate whacked his chest. "Shut up."

He leaned in, pressed a soft good morning kiss to her lips. "I love you too."

She smiled into the kiss, couldn't help herself. It still caught her off-guard sometimes how quickly he could go from teasing to loving and back again, but his spontaneity was one of the things she'd come to love the most about him. There was something inherently thrilling about never knowing what was coming next.

Another reason she was so addicted to this journal.

Castle rolled back onto his stomach, mimicking her, his weight resting on both elbows, his left forearm linked over her right one. He twined their hands together, using them to hold the notebook open, and they silently began to read.

Kate,

I don't really know where to start with this one. I'm still reeling from the information you shared with me today, and I can only pretend to understand how you must feel, having to live with that weight every day, never knowing what really happened. Never being able to speak to your mother again. Never being able to give her a hug. I can't imagine what that's like.

We have something in common, you and me; we both have only one parent in our lives. But we're different, too. I've never known my father, never missed him, because he was never there to begin with. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like to know your mother and then lose her, especially at such a young age.

And then to nearly lose your dad, too. I've known from the beginning that you're strong, but until today I didn't realize the extent of your strength. You're tough, you're resilient, and I admire who you've become in spite of what's happened to you.

I know you probably hate hearing this, and I doubt it truly helps, but I'm sorry.

And I want to help you, because even though we don't know each other that well, I don't like the fact that you live with this pain every single day.

You'll probably hate me if you ever find this out but I have the case file here with me, hidden away in my top desk drawer. I'm going to see what I can find. There has to be a missing link somewhere, something those cops didn't see or didn't want to see. I'm going to do everything I can to find it. For you. Because you spend every day giving others closure, but you've never been afforded the same. I want to change that.

I also want to thank you for sharing that piece of your past with me, your mother and her ring and your dad's watch. It couldn't have been easy to talk about. And I want you to know I'm not taking that information lightly. The basic background story may appear as part of Nikki's character, but the details of the case, or what your family went through, will not. Some things aren't meant to be broadcast to the world.

Know that your secret is safe with me.

-RC

To his surprise – and hers – her eyes were dry when they finished reading, which spoke to not only how far she'd come, but how far they'd come, together, that they could read something like this and still be okay. Her mood was noticeably more somber, as was his. There was no smile on her face, not much light in her eyes. But it was progress and for him, for them, that was enough.

"I've always wondered," Castle began tentatively, continuing only after she nodded her assent, "why did you tell me?"

"I'm not sure," Kate admitted. "I guess I figured I'd rather tell you the truth on my own terms than have you keep guessing and eventually get it right. And it prevented you from springing it on me at a time when I couldn't handle it."

He nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense."

She squeezed his hand. "Do you think you ever would've figured it out?"

Castle took a deep breath, contemplating his answer. "I'm not sure. I might've gotten close. But there's no way I would've come up with all the details and everything else that happened. And since I couldn't even see your necklace, I don't know that I would've figured out it was your mother."

"Hmmm."

They fell into silence for a moment, Kate playing with the corner of the page, tracing the sharp outline with her fingernail. After a while, she spoke again.

"Do you ever wonder how Nikki would've turned out if I hadn't told you?"

The question caught him off-guard and he paused, considering. "I... honestly never thought about it. I knew from day one that there was something in your past. I didn't know what, but I think in my head that backstory was always there. It just wasn't as prominent."

"Hmmm," she said again. And that seemed to be the end of the conversation. She closed the book, set it aside, and leaned against Castle, her head on his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Just thinking."

He recognized the slightly dejected look on her face, wisely opted not to speak again. It was the expression she always wore when she was thinking about her mother, about the more difficult times of her life. But lately it'd been less forlorn, the memories less tarnished and more cherished.

Progress.

Castle lay back down, gently guided her down so her head rested on his arm, her smaller frame surrounded by his larger one. The pitter patter of the rain against the window panes was the only sound aside from their breathing but the silence wasn't at all uncomfortable. Rather, it was necessary, had become a fixture of any conversation about Johanna in the past two years.

Despite having the answers, knowing who was behind her mother's death hadn't done for Kate what she'd expected it to. It was good, yes. She was glad the information was out there, the days of wondering were over. But the pain of losing her mother, the one she'd always thought would disappear with the answers, hadn't. It continued to fade with time but, she realized now, it would never completely go away.

She missed her mom in different ways now, too, ways she'd never considered before. She wished she could introduce her to Castle, that she could be there to talk about him, calm her when she was angry at him and laugh about it later. To see how happy he made her. To be there on her their wedding day – because, yes, Kate knew that's where they'd ultimately end up.

And though she'd gradually come to accept the pain, understand that the giant hole in her life and her heart would always be a part of her, there were still moments where it caught her by surprise.

Moments like this.

It pained Castle, knowing there was nothing he could do to help her. This was her burden, and while he could help shoulder the worst of it, he'd never be able to erase it. So instead he put his energy towards perfecting the art of cradling her silently, allowing her to sink into the storm of her emotions while he anchored her to dry land.

When he'd asked once, she'd said that being in his arms helped more than he realized.

If that was what she needed, Castle was more than happy to oblige.

Thoughts?