The Sporting Life

by Jack E. Peace

"What! You never learned how to ride a bike? You? Of all people?" Chloe questions, incredulous. "Are you kidding? Well, I know what we're doing today."

Disclaimer: Titles comes from the song of the same name by The Decemberists. If you listen to the actual song, I think you'll find it pretty humorous imagining Aubrey as the narrator. Only now I kinda want to write another story based on that song, so basically I've just sabotaged myself.

A/N: This story is pointless and random and I do apologize. You have been warned. Panda, as always.

"The Sporting Life"

"It's such a nice day out today." Remarks Chloe Beale as she sits down at one of the stools in front of the kitchen bar-top counter. "We should do something outside. Ooh! Let's take a picnic to the park and rent bicycles and check out that new trail."

Of course there are things that Aubrey Posen can't do. She knows that it is unrealistic and childish to expect to be good at every single activity. She gave up on that foolish life goal her sophomore year of high school when she nearly burned down the culinary arts classroom and the fire department came and everything. So yeah, she's not good at everything. She can't cook and she can't speak Russian and she can never remember which Bronte sister wrote which novel and to be honest she doesn't give a fuck anyway. But there are many things that Aubrey can do and what she does she does very well, thank you very much. And that makes up for the things that she can't do.

One of the things that Aubrey can do is keep a mental, running list of all the things that she can't do. It helps her know what areas of her life need improvement. But clearly Chloe does not keep track of this same list, which is not surprising to Aubrey because her girlfriend seems to be under the misguided impression that these failings only make Aubrey even more endearing and "no, Bree, I don't think you need to sign up for that Russian class."

Which brings us to number thirteen on this list: cannot ride a bike.

And sure, Aubrey knows that's ridiculous. What kind of person doesn't know how to ride a bike? It's a staple of childhood, a rite of passage, a necessity. Unfortunately it was a lesson that she never quite mastered. She remembers the afternoon that her father took her outside to try and teach her how to ride a bike. She was six and he was in a rare mood where he was more interested in being involved than working on paperwork in his study. Aubrey stood by, already wearing her brother's old helmet, as she watched Marc Posen take the training wheels off the bike that had been under the Christmas tree two months before. "Training wheels are crutches." He'd explained as he tossed the wheels aside. "You'll learn to ride just fine without them."

Unfortunately, that was not the case. The same balance and grace that Aubrey displayed during her dance classes was nowhere to be found that afternoon. Aubrey couldn't pedal more than a single foot without careening to the ground and the disappointed expression on her father's face didn't make it any easier for her to find her equilibrium. Eventually her father went back inside the house without a word and Aubrey tried to teach herself how to ride so that she could impress him but eventually gave up when her palms were too scratched and bloody to even hold onto the handle bars anymore. Marc hasn't been interested in giving the lessons another try so Aubrey had never made the effort again either. And was riding a bike really all that important anyway? How often do people really need to ride bikes?

Aubrey grimaces and shakes her head. "I don't think so Chlo." She can't remember if she ever mentioned the Aubrey Posen Life Failure #13 story to her girlfriend but she really doesn't want to have to bring it up again.

Chloe frowns, her forehead creasing. "It'll be fun, don't you think? Bike riding and picnicking and enjoying the beautiful day outside."

Aubrey focuses her attention on the waffle maker on the counter, putting one perfectly made waffle onto a plate and pouring in the batter for another. "Maybe we could just take a picnic. Or hike that trail." She suggests.

"Bikes would be way more fun." Chloe assures Aubrey, taking the plate when her girlfriend passes it to her. "Walking is so boring."

Shaking her head, Aubrey just rolls her eyes. "It would still be the same trail, Chlo." She points out with a smirk. "Plus I can't ride a bike." She adds this part casually as she passes Chloe the syrup bottle.

Chloe's eyes get big and judging by the expression on her girlfriend's face, Aubrey thinks it's safe to assume that she never mentioned that particular little anecdote from her childhood to Chloe.

"What?! You never learned how to ride a bike? You? Of all people?" Chloe questions, incredulous. "Are you kidding?"

Aubrey shrugs, setting another waffle on a plate. "It just wasn't a big deal. I had more important things to worry about."

Chloe gives her a doubtful look, pursing her lips. "Your dad didn't teach you." She manages to sound both sad and judgmental at the same time. This is a common tone for when she discusses Marc Posen.

"No, he tried." Aubrey assures Chloe. "I was just really bad at it." She waves her hand dismissively. "It's not a big deal. Riding a bike isn't even that important."

"It is a big deal." Chloe corrects. "Riding a bike is part of being a kid!"

Aubrey arches an eyebrow. "Well, I'm not a kid anymore so…"

"Well, I know what we're doing today." Chloe remarks decisively.

Aubrey groans and frowns. "No, Chlo, seriously. Let's not, okay?" She gives her a pleading look. "Okay? It's not that important. Let's do something else."

But Chloe is adamant. "Oh no, it's happening. I'm going to teach you how to ride a bike." She vows. "It'll be fun."

"Where are we even going to get these bikes?" Aubrey questions, even though she knows a little detail like that isn't going to stop Chloe.

"You can rent them at the park."

"So everyone at the park is going to witness this humiliation?" Aubrey asks, giving her girlfriend a look. "Seriously, Chloe, I will legitimately do anything else that you want. There has to be something better to do than teaching me how to ride a bike."

Chloe shakes her head. "What kind of girlfriend would I be if I let you go through the rest of your life not knowing how to ride a bike?"

Aubrey looks at her doubtfully. "I'd say you'd still be a fine girlfriend." She assures her. "I really don't want to do this." She protests.

"Don't worry Bree, you can do it." Chloe says confidently. "I can teach you. It'll be a breeze."

Aubrey sighs. "But I really don't care about learning how to ride a bike."

But once Chloe has an idea in her head, it's nearly impossible to talk her out of it. Aubrey knows this from many years of experience. And, as much as Aubrey loves Chloe, this stubbornness usually doesn't lead to anything great for Aubrey. In spite of Chloe's best intentions, of course.

Which is exactly how they end up at the kiosk in Piedmont Park that rents out all sorts of recreational equipment, including Frisbees, fishing equipment and, unfortunately, bicycles. Aubrey feels like an idiot as she snaps the clasp on the helmet and she's pretty sure that she looks like one too. Though, of course, that's going to be nothing compared to how she looks in a few minutes when she actually tries to get on a bicycle. She doesn't like to make a habit out of doing things that she's not good at so that she doesn't have to constantly reaffirm her failures. Maybe after the first time she makes an idiot of herself Chloe will let her give up.

Chloe raps her knuckles against the top of Aubrey's helmet and Aubrey swats her hand away. "You definitely look like you're capable of riding a bike." She indicates the helmet on Aubrey's head.

Aubrey rolls her eyes. "Even children can wear a helmet, Chloe." She points out frankly.

"Most children know how to ride bikes." Chloe retorts and Aubrey narrows her eyes. "And after today, so will you." She adds in what she hopes is a helpful and confident manner. "Okay." Chloe points at the bike. "Go."

Aubrey arches an eyebrow. "That's it? That's your advice?" She rolls her eyes. "That's not exactly teaching. You're one of those people who thinks you should just throw babies into pools and let them figure out how to swim, right?"

"No!" Chloe protests, shaking her head vehemently. "I would never do that!" She gives Aubrey a look that suggests that she doesn't really see the connection that she's trying to make. "Okay, here's my advice: try to balance yourself on the seat of bike and don't lean too much one way or the other or you'll just knock yourself over. And pedal…normally."

Aubrey sighs and shakes her head. "'Pedal normally.'" She mutters to herself as she walks over to where the bike is waiting. "I hate you." She says a little louder so that Chloe can hear her. Chloe just laughs.

Aubrey gives Chloe one last look in hopes that her girlfriend will relent and give up the idea of teaching her how to ride a bike but Chloe just grins and gives her a thumbs up. Aubrey refuses to find that particular gesture endearing since she's trying to be annoyed with Chloe at the moment.

The first time Aubrey tries to find her balance, she finds it impossible to keep the bike upright but at least her legs are longer now so she can stop herself before she crashes to the ground. Aubrey feels her cheeks color with embarrassment even though she doubts that anyone other than Chloe is watching.

"You can do it." Chloe calls encouragingly from behind her and Aubrey frowns, not bothering to turn around. "Try again."

And well, of course Aubrey is going to try again. Because she's not going to give up, not now. It's too late for that. She's going to figure out how to ride this goddamn bike today if it's the last thing that she does.

It takes Aubrey nearly fifteen minutes to even figure out how to balance herself on the bike without leaning one way or the other but things get complicated again when she factors in pedaling. She can't figure out how to pedal and keep her balance at the same time and Aubrey is relieved that she's been able to figure out how to catch herself before she goes crashing to the ground. That, at least, is a small victory.

Aubrey manages to actually pedal a few feet before the bike starts to wobble and she starts leaning toward the left again. She tries to put her feet out to stop herself from falling by the cuff of her jeans gets caught on the pedal and both she and the bike hit the ground.

Chloe has to fight down the urge to laugh as she hurries over to help Aubrey up; she's pretty sure that her girlfriend won't agree that the whole thing looked rather humorous. Unfortunately Aubrey can see the barely concealed smile on her face and just glares at Chloe when she tries to help her up. "Are you okay?" Chloe questions.

Aubrey ignores Chloe's proffered hand and gets up herself, brushing off her jeans. "Yes. I'm fine."

Chloe arches an eyebrow but decides to ignore the tone in Aubrey's voice. "Maybe we should take a break." She suggests hopefully.

But Aubrey's frown only deepens. "No, I'm not going to take a break." She informs Chloe curtly. "I can do it."

"I didn't say you couldn't do it." Chloe says gently, suddenly seeing where this conversation is going. "I just thought it might be a good idea to take a break and-"

But Aubrey is already getting back onto the bike and ignoring Chloe's opinions on the matter. She manages to find a bit of a rhythm this time as she starts pedaling and her bad mood slowly starts to evaporate as she finally makes it more than three feet down the path. However, Aubrey's overconfidence causes her to pay less attention to keeping her balance and she soon finds herself faltering in her pedaling and once again the bike pitches toward the right. Aubrey lets out a groan of frustration and once both her feet are firmly planted on the ground again, she gets off the bike and lets it fall to the sidewalk.

Chloe ignores her better judgment and walks over to where Aubrey is standing. "I definitely think it's time for a break."

Aubrey unsnaps her helmet and thrusts it at Chloe, who looks at her in surprise. "This is exactly why I didn't want to do this." She snaps as she starts to walk back in the direction of the parked car, leaving the offending bike laying on its side. It can be someone else's problem for all she cares.

"Aubrey-"

Narrowing her eyes, Aubrey turns around to face Chloe. "I can't do it! Or haven't you figured it out by now? I can't do it, okay? Let's just go home."

Chloe grabs Aubrey's elbow before she can take another step away from her. "Aubrey, what's the matter?" She questions, giving her girlfriend a confused look. "This can't just be about the bike."

Aubrey opens her mouth to snap off a retort but she suddenly feels the need to throw a temper tantrum drain out of her body. She just doesn't have the energy anymore. "It's embarrassing." She admits finally, finding herself unable to meet Chloe's eyes as she mumbles the words. "What kind of person can't ride a bike?"

Chloe gives her a reassuring smile. "I'm sure there are lots of people out there who don't know how to ride a bike."

"It's embarrassing not to be able to do it. It's embarrassing to fail." Aubrey corrects, staring down at the cracked and dirty sidewalk below her feet. She doesn't want Chloe to see her as she has to admit her failure or to see how dangerously close she is to getting teary-eyed right now, which is even more embarrassing because she'd only be crying at her own failure.

"Bree," Chloe says gently, reaching out and taking her hand, "you're not a failure just because you haven't learned how to ride a bike in thirty minutes. And it's okay if you never even learn how to ride a bike. At least you tried."

Aubrey rolls her eyes and looks up at Chloe. "What good is trying if you can't produce a result?"

"You just keep trying." Chloe says like it's perfectly obvious in her opinion. "And it's just a bike, it's not a big deal."

"You said it was a big deal." Aubrey protests, narrowing her eyes slightly. "You said that like ten times this morning."

Chloe gives her a sheepish grin. "Okay, so clearly I over-exaggerated a bit." She admits. "I thought it was going to be fun and..." She trails off, trying to figure out the nicest way to point out that this really hasn't been all the enjoyable for either one of them.

"It wasn't. Because of me." Aubrey supplies before Chloe can find the right words. "I took it too far. As usual." She mumbles, once again feeling her cheeks color with embarrassment.

"No." Chloe argues quickly, giving Aubrey's hand a squeeze. "You're just…dedicated. You just want to be the best and it's okay if you're not." She gives Aubrey a kiss on the cheek. "I promise."

Aubrey wrinkles her nose and rolls her eyes. "So says you." She mumbles.

Chloe nods. "Yep, so says me." She agrees. "And I know everything. When are you going to figure that out?"

Aubrey rolls her eyes again but there's a smile threatening to turn up the corners of her lips. "Oh, that's right. I forgot." She pulls Chloe to her and gives her a kiss. "Sorry for the temper tantrum."

Chloe shrugs. "Well, now I know how real parents must feel."

"Funny." Aubrey remarks as she walks back to retrieve the bike, standing it upright once more. She can't quite keep the dejected look off her face.

Before Aubrey can talk herself into getting back on the bike and giving it another try, Chloe suggests, "Maybe we should just skip to the part where we have the picnic."

Aubrey nods decisively. "Yes, that sounds like a much better idea." She starts pushing the bike back to the rental place with Chloe walking alongside her.

"We can try again another time." Chloe suggests.

Aubrey makes a face. "Do we have to?"

Chloe laughs, shaking her head. "No, we don't have to."

That's just fine with Aubrey. Maybe she'll just learn Russian instead.

end.