Jury is still out on which book Annie gives Carl! :) Anyways, thank you so much for reading! Feel free to let me know what you liked or hated in the chapter, it's extremely helpful and very much appreciated. (Awkward chapter coming up, at least for me as a writer, haha) Also, still looking for a beta-reader! Desperately! So if you're interested just let me know.

ENJOY!

20: Snow Falls

Every day that passed brought mixed emotions. Ever since Rick broke the news to me I had become two different people; the one that didn't need anybody and the one that wanted someone to care about so bad. During the day I only let the strong me show, but that is how I've been since I was young. Don't let them see you want them around. If they see that then they have something to hold over you.

Night was different though. The stars would come out and I would cling to my sleeping partner, I don't think he noticed my desperation though. Or if he did he didn't bug me about it when we talked.

"Why don't you come with us?"

I didn't answer until I felt his hand in my hair, "I don't belong with you guys." I waited for a response, but all I felt was the hand raking though my hair. "Plus, you guys don't want me to, and if I didn't respect those wishes what kind of host would I be?"

"I can try to convince Rick again."

"Again?" I looked up at him.

"I wasn't the only one. Lori and Carl tried, too. And I think I saw T-Dog talking to him a few days after."

I tightened my hold, "What did you say?"

"That it'd be safer for everyone having you around." I nestled my head back into his chest. "Lori said you could help deliver the baby. And Carl was begging him to let you go with us."

"Well then, there's no use trying any more. His mind's made up."

-o0o-

As December approached there was a constant ball of nerves in my stomach jostling around when I moved. I'd look outside half wanting and half fearing the appearance of snow. Snow, the marker that winter was here and would be gone soon. Snow, the green light after months of traffic jams. Every day that passed without it I would let out a sigh or relief, but as January neared the sighs turned to frustrated harrumphs. Didn't Mother Nature know that time was of the essence? Weren't we on the same team? Didn't she know that I might never get the chance to be with anyone again for the rest of my life?

In my frustration I had become obsessed with finding the right book for Carl. Should it be a medical textbook? Should it be a novel? Or an essay? Or a book of poems? I had several piles going, each I had been narrowing down, and each was still a foot or two high.

"How's your morning going, Annie?" I looked up to see the ever-growing Lori.

"As good as mornings go," I smiled at her, happy that she was finally talking to me.

"What are you doing with those books?"

"Just trying to find the right one."

"For what?" She carefully sat down beside me. I hesitated, not wanting to upset her. I looked around to the door, "Don't worry. The others are sharing stories by the fire in the den."

I picked up the backpack, "I've been putting together a gift for Carl. I hope that's not bad." She extended her arm, and I handed the pack over to her. "I just, I want to put a book in there. I don't know how to say goodbye, so I thought some author could do it for me." I gestured to the books.

She opened the bag and searched through it, "He'll love this."

"You think so?"

"I know it." She zipped it back up and handed it to me, "What books were you thinking?"

"Well, I know I should give him a medical textbook. It'll be useful. But…"

"It's not a goodbye."

"Exactly." I lifted up a few of the books, "So I thought novel, or poetry? But I can't decide on anything. Nothing's perfect."

"You two really care about each other."

"He's so much like my brother, it's hard not to care about him."

"What happened to him?"

"Joey?" She nodded. I took a few seconds to figure out how to say it, "Joey. He died." I felt her hand on my shoulder, "And I didn't get to say a real goodbye."

"That's why this one needs to be just right."

"Yeah." She sat with me for a little while longer.

"You'll figure it out in time." She hobbled up and gave me a small smile.

"Thanks." She stepped back into the house and I resumed my deductions. It was an hour before I picked up the book of Robert Frost's poems. I flipped through it and found the one I had been searching for. Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening. I carefully pulled the page out and grabbed a pen. 'I already miss you infinitely. –Annie' Then I went to the counter and went over it with clear tape as a substitute for lamination. I set the page in the bag and stopped my search for the day.

When I stepped inside and locked the garage I went to check on everyone in the den. I loved the way the fireplace lit the room. It felt like Christmas. I stood in the corner for a bit and listened to their stories, my eyes shutting every now and then at the drowsiness the scene seemed to emit.

"Dad look!" Beth pointed out the window. "It's snowing!"

And with those words all drowsiness had faded from my body and utter panic stormed in to take its place. I tried to appear nonchalant as I left the room, but once I was in the hallway I began to scurry to the bathroom. I needed to prepare for this. During some point in his months here Hershel had found the switch that allowed for the apparent well water to run through our pipes, and we had all been extra grateful. Warm water. Something I had spent over a year without was now a regular occurrence, and I could never thank Hershel enough for it. I turned on the faucet and fished a razor from the cupboard. Snow fell. Snow fell. I have to keep my nerve; I have to keep my promise. Future Annie will hate me if I don't. I began scrubbing and then lathering, before finally shaving. It was funny to think of how I had performed this very ritual in the past, for boys who I thought I couldn't live without, all probably long gone. I was still scared now as I had been those years ago, but somehow it seemed far more important today, not to mention more terrifying. Life was funny like that, especially now. Here I was, about to be completely alone again, fighting off swarms of undead flesh-eaters and evil bandits by the bucket-full, but still vastly afraid of physical intimacy. It was more the insecurities that came with it that frightened me. What if I was bad? I had been told I was good in the past, but what if the years of dormancy had sapped me of my mojo? What if I accidently said the word mojo aloud, thus killing all potential moods?

Once I had gotten to shampooing my fears morphed once more. What if I get rejected? What if I put myself out there, and the resounding 'no' hits me? What if the desires I have are not mutual? Maybe this wasn't worth it. Humiliation would be unbearable. I rinsed my hair and stepped onto the bathmat. Drying myself off I looked into the mirror, a quick glance at my tattoo. "I've got promises to keep." I thought on that for a minute as I combed my hair. Yes, embarrassment is a horrific thing. I had been embarrassed enough times in my life to know that to be true. But there is something worse; not trying.

I could deal with being humiliated, in fact I was rather good at that. But I don't think I could ever live with myself if I didn't go for what I wanted, and God damn it I wanted Daryl. I wrapped the towel around myself and, gathering my things, made my way up to my room to continue my ritual.

Audience Participation Time! What do you think will happen next? Horrible awkwardness or ra-ra-ra-romance? And should Annie talk to Rick about possibly leaving with them? I want to know what you guys think!