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28: Struggle, Vagueness, and a Little Thing Called Optimism
I hadn't really slept since it all happened. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have been able to even if I was still at home in my own bed right now. The guilt was starting to set in, and not just for my family. How many zombies had I killed? It has to be over a hundred by now; at least ten a day. I closed my eyes but I just couldn't stop the wheels from turning. Two weeks. Two weeks on the road. Two weeks fighting to just stay alive. Two weeks since it happened. Two weeks since I lost everything I'd ever cared about. I'd have thought my lack of living relatives would mean a weakened connection to everything. I thought it would mean easy detachment. I was wrong. At this very moment I felt tethered to the world, tethered to them still. I was so closely tied to them that I felt myself tearing as they drifted further and further away from me. To heaven or just to death, but I hoped for the former. I was currently barricaded in a small room in some abandoned house in the tenth or eleventh town I'd been through. The walls were this sickly yellow color, I hated them. I hated it all. I hated the pink comforter I was sleeping under. I hated the posters on the walls. I hated the aches in my muscles. I hated how my head felt like it was going to explode. I hated the low moan of those things outside. But mostly I hated that they were gone. They were gone and I sent them away.
The gears grinded still as I rolled onto my side, hoping that a change in position would prove more successful.
What was I going to do? Where to next? Did I need more gas? Did I drink enough water today? Are those actually zombies, or are they something else? Should I switch cars? Is the car safe? What if I get bit? Should I have just let my brother kill me? Will I ever stop hurting? What about Amanda? Is she okay? Is anyone left? Please, there has to be someone left. Or am I it? Is it just those things and me?
-o0o-
Once my vision started to get blurry, and I stopped being sure that I was driving in a straight line I decided it was time. I was still an hour away from the next town, but I couldn't keep going like this. The last thing in the world that I needed was a car wreck. I pulled to the side of the road and behind some brush. I'd feel safer if there was some sort of camouflage, some sort of stealth involved. I couldn't just be out in the open. Out in the open isn't safe. Once I was satisfied that no one could see me from the road I cut the engine.
"What the fuck am I gonna do?" I asked the empty car. I was wishing for a response, for God or someone to come down and tell me there's hope; everyone is okay and there is hope. Or maybe just that my family was up there, and they were fine now, safe and sound. The quiet endured. I reclined the seat of my borrowed suburban and caught a brief whiff of myself. "Aww," I grimaced at the scent. Almost three weeks of sweat and guts mixed with dying hints of perfume that I'd used a couple days ago, praying it would combat the aroma but it only seemed to make it worse. I couldn't help but feel glad that I was alone. No one was here to suffer this stench but me. I rubbed my eyes a couple of times, "Where am I gonna go?" I flipped that thought over in my head a few times and came up with just about nothing. Zilch. The best I could do was give an indefinite answer, "I'll know it when I see it." Cop out. Vague. Vague enough to work.
I'll know it when I see it.
I'll know what to do when it happens.
I'll know.
I guess there was no one left to trust but myself. I'd made it this far, and I could probably make it at least a bit further. Why not put a little trust in me? My vision started growing tighter, I could barely see a thing anymore as I repeated the words to myself, "I'll know. I'll know." Then finally black.
Before long it was morning, and I had actually gotten a few hours of sleep. It wasn't particularly restful, but it was a start. I'd have no problem making it through the next town before I got tired again. The sun was bright as I stepped out of the car to stretch my legs a bit. I breathed the fresh air in, and it still had remnants of morning dew in it. Out here, in the middle of nowhere, it was almost like nothing had happened. There were no flesh eaters, no other cars, just the sun, the trees, and myself. I loved this kind of quiet, nothing like in the city. Quiet in the city, which was a rarity, felt superficial. It was forced and there was still this lingering noise, and that made it horribly uncomfortable. Out here it was different. The silence was alive. There was the movement of the leaves, and that sun. That sun held a bit of warmth, but it wasn't unbearable just yet. "I'll know." I rummaged through a bag in the backseat and pulled out my toothbrush and some toothpaste. I wish all mornings could be like this; I mean if I have to be alone I'd at least like it to be peaceful.
I rolled the window down on the ride to the next town, hoping that it would air out some of the stench, plus the fresh air was so sweet that I couldn't resist. After a little less than an hour I was getting close. You can always tell; the moans and the smell tended to get louder the closer to civilization that you got. I wasn't afraid though. I had done this before. It was a habit now, down to a science. I snaked my car around the various stranded vehicles until I got to the local sports store.
Cut the engine.
Baseball bat, check.
Scarf around my face, check.
Thick jacket, check.
Step out of car.
Lock door.
Clip keys to belt loop.
Biter comes at me, bat to the head.
Two more, boom boom.
Pop into the store.
Knife section first.
Grab the coolest looking knife in the bunch.
Proceed to stab every walker in the building in the head.
Some through the eye.
Others from up under the jaw.
Blood everywhere.
Swift kills.
Store cleared.
Loot all goods that might come in handy.
Weapons.
Fishing gear, why not?
Any food they have by the register.
Nicest bike they have.
Anti-puncture tubes.
Bike repair kits.
Camping gear.
Backpacks.
Towels.
Anti-scent hunting soap.
Anything and everything that might keep me alive.
Finally I go after the clothing.
Warm weather items.
Boots.
Socks.
Sports bras.
Anything.
Pack everything that I can into the backpacks.
First run out to the car.
Second.
Third.
Now for the stuff that didn't fit into the bags.
Now to put the bike on my bike rack.
Zombies.
Bat to face, bat to face.
Quickly attach the bike and hop into the car.
Onto the next store.
That town, whatever its name was, filled up the rest of my car. I even siphoned enough gas to fill the tank and a few gallons for later. Overall it was a successful day. The road was clear again as the sun started to set, and the only sound was the purr of the engine and the crunch of the chips I was eating. This was life. This was what I'd have to do until… Until I don't know when. But I will. One day something will happen, and I'll know it's time. But for now, this was my life.
I parked off the road a ways when I had started to get tired, and for the second night in a row I managed to get some sleep. Before I had nodded off I prayed that I'd find what I was looking for soon, and that my family was okay.
Audience Participation Time! Now we know a bit more about Annie's past, not to mention have something to look forward to in the next chapter ( ;) if you get my meaning). If Annie heads back on the now completely changed road do you think she'll be able to make it? And, let's not forget that she's got her groove back. :)