AN: I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm getting on this. Some of it's...I almost want to say questionable. Some of it's good, some of it's bad. Mostly good, though. But every now and then I get that one random person that goes "Wow" or some other word, and then makes a little instant messenger face or something. I hate having to decipher whether it's a 'wow' at what's going on in the story, at the story itself, at my ideas, I have no idea. Sorry this took so long to get up. So much drama. Friend's graduations. Just finished junior year...I begin my senior year. I'm taking summer school for gym cause I'm a stupid ass and thought it'd be cool to hang in the bleachers with my friends instead of actually participate. sigh life. Decisions. Here's some advice: just do gym class. I've failed it every year since 7th grade. Just do it. sigh

Medication

Chapter Eleven: Remembrance:

I wish I didn't...I don't even know. I don't know where they're taking me now. It seems like they're leading me towards this beat up shack that's next to Squee's house. I have no idea what it is. It looks like a mess...

That sign says 'Keep off the Loose Soil." What could that possibly mean? I'm scared...

I feel funny. I have this strange feeling of...What seems like nostalgia. Familiar and reminiscent, like something returning.

Devi has this face of...Utter distress. She's the one that's going to be needing therapy after this, I think.

"Devi...Squee, what is this place?" I asked, scared to break the imaginary sound barrier.

It's been quite a while since I've had my medicine. Right about now, I'd be taking my nightly dose, and making my dinner. Showering and dressing in my white Hone-O's t-shirt, and white boxers for bed.

"Nny, this is..." she said, kind of stumbling on her words. She looked at Squee with furrowed eyebrows. A look that kind of said –

Oh, God. Oh no. Sweet mother of pearl. No. It can't be! It's so filthy! NO!

"This is where you live." Devi said, slowly taking my hand.

Gosh darn it! Just what I had hoped she wouldn't say!

I sighed, and pressed my lips together. Well, I do like to clean, so...It'll be a good task. Right? Right! My therapist says optimism, and this has to be the pinnacle of optimism.

We slowly walk into the shack-type thing.

"Squee I know there are levels, but I've never been down there. Will you...Y'know...Give him a tour?" Devi asked Squee.

He looked at her with a sarcastic face. "Do you think I was ever down there, Devi? I was a CHILD. On top of that, I was a SCARED CHILD!" he said, his eyebrows furrowing, "Why would I ever venture down into that place? All the sc...Screams...They came from down there...The basements of this house..." Squee said, his whole body shuddering.

"If this was my house, do you mind if I take a look around?" I asked. Maybe some of this will jog my memory.

I really want to remember. It's kind of a frightening place though, so I'll bring them with me. Besides, if I remember things, I want to tell them. I want someone to share my re-birth with!

"Squee, maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we should just take him home...I just don't feel right about this. I don't." Devi said to Squee.

"No! Please, Devi. I want so desperately to know everything that went on. I need to know. I need to have it in me. For so long, I've known something was missing. Missing because you were still in my head. With all the medicine I've been on for so long, you really have to be something special to someone to stick with me for so long." I said. My eyes were burning a bit. I feel really tired.

But there's so much more to do. I need to know. I need to. It's just something that has to be done...

But even so, I feel as if I shouldn't know. I shouldn't know at all. I want to, no doubt. But...There's something obviously nefarious about the atmosphere in this house. I mean, here the three of us are still in the threshold of the house-shack thing and we still feel it. Something awful happened here. Something took place here that was evil.

And I was part of it. I aided in it or participated in some form.

This is hard for me to believe. I'd never hurt anyone.

But from the way the house feels...I would. I would hurt a lot of people if given the opportunity.

"Devi...Did I ever hurt anyone? Besides the vile man that tried to molest Squee?"

Devi gulped. "Just go look around. I'll answer questions after you get a good look."

I shakily walked into the house. The living room first. Raggedy couch encased in dust. A TV –

GOOD GOD! Were those...? NO! Ears of an actual rabbit?!

I feel sick now. But I must keep going.

I suddenly have this sinking in my tummy. My therapist would be furious if he knew I was here.

"Nny? You have a bed here you may or may not want to sleep in. I've never been in your room so I don't know what kind of condition it's in."

"You guys never made it that far." Squee said. Devi smacked him in the arm.

"What?" he asked with his eyebrows furrowed.

She sighed. "Men will always be the same, no matter the age, no matter the personality. The first thing you think about is sex." She said.

Squee looked offended. "That's not true! I'm not like that. I've never even had a girlfriend. It just seemed kind of...Obvious that you guys never – "

"Todd!" she cut him off.

"Well!" he said, holding back an obvious snicker.

I rolled my eyes. My therapist says I'm not allowed to have sex because I might have emotions for the girl I fornicate with. But one of the medicine's I take takes away my ability to perform should I get the urge. So it doesn't matter anyway.

I feel...

I feel a twinge upon entering the kitchen...There's red dried up stuff all over the counter and on some of the sharp instruments in the sink. I see the tops of cans all over the place...

But...

I remember!

"I remember!!! Did I like skettio's?" I asked them.

"Yes. You lived on them almost, Nny." Squee says.

"YES!! I cut myself on a can of skettio's once! I borrowed a band-aid from you!" I say, looking at Squee.

"Nny, do you remember anything else about this house or the things that happened in it?" Devi asked, worry written on her face.

There was also something else there. Some other emotion that I can't describe. It...

I know what it is.

It's fear.

Devi...she fears me.

I did try to kill her, apparently.

Reasonable fear, I guess.

"Not yet. If I keep looking around though, I'm sure something will pop-"

I'm having a memory, or what seems like a memory.

A horrifying memory. This can't be me. This can't be me...

"My god...No..." I feel myself whisper.

I can see Devi out of the corner of my eye rush to me. I feel myself falling...I can't get up though.

"I wouldn't do that..." I say almost inaudibly. Considering the thoughts pounding through my head, I would say inaudibly is good.

"Nny? Do you remember something?" she asked.

"Yes...But you shouldn't know..."

"You can tell me anything, Nny. I won't be freaked out, I swear." She said. Her voice is almost kind enough for me to believe her. I feel like my naivety is slipping away.

"I remember...this girl. She was so beautiful...But it was only a shell. Skin deep, as the saying goes. I...I...God, I can't say it out loud."

"Tell me, Nny." She said.

"I pinned her to the wall by slamming a sickle through her head. I k...I killed...her. I killed her." I finally gasp out.

Devi clenched her jaw and I felt her body stiffen. Fear? Probably. I'd fear me, too.

"Devi, I'm so sorry." I say.

"You were troubled Nny. Do you remember anything after that?"

"I have a diary. I called it a die-ary."

"Do you remember what you wrote in it?"

"No." I lied.

I did remember. I had apparently learned a lesson.

I learned my beauty was neither skin deep or existent at all. I even cursed in that entry in my diary! Unbelievable! Ghastly! And you know what I said? Its fuzzy but I remember. I said that...

Inside of me...

I'm...

I'm...

I'm pretty fucking ugly.