Hello! Consider this update my holiday gift to you (I might post a new chapter before X-Mas, but I might not). Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for reading! Please remember to review, it helps me loads by both giving me feedback and motivation to keep trucking. ENJOY!

34: Just More Time.

I woke up on the couch with a splitting headache, and for a few wondrous seconds that was the worst of my problems. Then I remembered that this wasn't the aftermath of a drunken night with Amanda. This was the end. And I was alone.

"Well, there's only one sure way to get rid of this," I rubbed my forehead and rolled off the couch and onto my feet with a stretch. I made my way slowly upstairs wobbling with every step, clinging to the walls to keep myself from falling. When I opened the door to my room the first thing I noticed was the notebook on my bed. I immediately remembered what Carl had said, "His gift." I took a few steps towards it, tempted to look, but thankfully my headache flared up. First things first. I went to the nightstand and pulled out my pipe and the remainder of the weed I had saved, which looked to be around half of an ounce, far more than I normally had at this time of year. I guess I didn't have much need for it with them around. I pulled my iPod from the charger and slid the headphones into my ears. Now a nice big coat. Cozy. Cozy is good. I took everything, including my hunting rifle and the gift, and went onto the roof. My old perch, how long had it been? A few months since I've sat up here? I didn't need to take care of the crops anymore, besides I wouldn't be staying anyways. I did a scan: clear. "Alright then." I scrolled through the artists. Then I scrolled through them again. Then finally I just gave up and hit shuffle. Now time to numb the pain. Pick apart the nug. Let the sweet smell fill my senses. Pack the bowl. Light up. Repeat until desired effect.

After three cycles I figured it was time to stop and face what I was afraid of. The gift. I picked up the notebook and opened to the first page.

Annie,

I hope you're safe and I hope you know I miss you. We all miss you. I put this together so you'd have something to remember us all by. Please don't forget us. We won't forget you.

-Carl

Just the first page and I was already blubbering away like a little girl. Did I dare turn the page? "No. Not yet." I set the notebook down and did another scan. Nothing. I wasn't going to miss this place. Not really. The scenery had lost its initial beauty before they even showed up. I remember when I first got here. The forest was lush and green and still full of life. I used to look at it and feel like I was just on some camping trip, or I had just moved out to the outskirts for some other reason. The world could have been the same beyond my view, with the exception of the occasional walker. That beauty and peace had faded. All of it. Now it seemed morbid. I'm sure there were still a few critters out there, but it just wasn't the same. The trees weren't as green, the forest had lost something over the months. On the other hand, the homestead itself had never been much to look at. The house was meant to be a bright white, but time had dimmed the façade before I ever got the chance to look at it. There was supposed to be a field of grass inside the gate, but I could only tell that by the residual patches strewn across the expanse. Everything about this place sickened me now. Inside these gates might be safe, but there was too much here that I couldn't stand any longer. And as scared as I was to go out into the world again, on my own, alone, I hated this place more.

When I went inside for the night I put the notebook into my go bag, hesitating with the thought that I should just read one more page, but it passed. There. Everything was ready for my departure. Everything was ready to go. Except me. I still felt the need to do more here. I needed to say goodbye to this place the right way. It had saved me after all.

The next two days I spent fortifying the house. The spare lumber I had hoarded went to boarding up the windows and strengthening the doors. I reorganized the garage, and moved whatever provisions and supplies that hadn't been used or taken with the group back into the bedrooms. If I was going to leave, I'd at least get this place ready for the next poor sap that comes across it. I'd make it so they'd come up that hill and be able to come inside and kick up their heels immediately. The windows were boarded well. I had a full stock of water ready. I had every plate cleaned. The cupboards were stocked with canned foods, all organized. I even had a fire all set up and ready for the match. It was all for closure. It was all to help the next guy. It was all to pay it forward. It was all to keep myself busy until I got the guts to leave. When I wasn't hammering something down or carrying a box upstairs I was smoking up the remainder of my stash. It all kept me numb. It all kept me from reading that notebook.

I barely slept. For nine days I barely slept. Maybe an hour or two a night, but I'd normally sit up and think of something else that needed to get done. I had so many things to do. I had to get ready. I had to be occupied. I had to not think.

-o0o-

The tenth day I had resorted to chopping down a few trees for firewood for the future 'owners.'

"You're gonna hurt yourself if you don't get some rest." I dropped the ax and looked to the tree line.

"Joey?" My heart, which had already been working hard, quickened its thumping. I could hear it. I could hear the fast beats as clear as day as I looked at my brother. My brother. My dead brother.

"Who else would it be, dummy."

"But you're…"

"Dead, I know."

"Then how…" I was losing it. All the sleep deprivation was finally getting to me.

"Doesn't really matter, Annie. What matters is that you need to get some sleep."

"I can't."

"Of course you can."

"No, too much needs to be done." The 'To Do' list ran through my head again.

"Oh, right. You need to chop up some firewood for people who might not even come here."

"Well, I need to do something!" My voice echoes through the trees. "I need to stay busy or I'll lose it, you know that."

"Right, because this is keeping it together," he laughed gesturing to the two trees I had cut down that day. "What you need is sleep."

"I told you, I can't," I picked the ax up again, and started swinging again.

"People come and go. That's life. You know that." It was strange how real he felt, standing there beside me.

"I just can't think about it yet," I huffed in between swings.

He shook his head and sat on a stump next to me, "Tsk tsk. That's a slippery slope. And it only leads one place, and you know it." I got in a few more chops, "If you don't take a fucking second and rest like you're supposed to you'll end up dead like me."

"I'll deal with it!" I screamed as the tree fell.

"When?"

"Soon, I just need some time."

I reached down to take a swig from my canteen. "Sorry, but time's up." When I looked up he was gone. But he wasn't really ever there in the first place. Just a hallucination. A bad day dream. I went back to work, and by the time the sun had fallen I had accomplished the day's goal; the firewood was chopped and stacked.

Real or not, he was right. I needed sleep. I needed a nice long sleep. I removed my sweaty clothes and put on a fresh pair of underwear and a clean white t-shirt before crawling into bed. Reaching over to turn off the light I remembered I forgot to move the dresser, "Rookie mistake," I yawned as I got up and lazily shoved the piece of furniture in front of the door. A weak barricade, but a barricade nevertheless. The second my head hit the pillow I was out.