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38: Freedom

I felt sick when I got into the house. The way my boots sounded against the hardwood, the way that delicious smell lingered in my nose. It just felt off. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. I made my way into the kitchen and turned on the microscope. Looking through the eyepiece only confirmed it all.

"Shit."

Things on the slide had changed drastically since I had looked this morning. It was all so different, and yet the same. There were still very few viruses, but they now looked nothing like what had been in the walker sample. They weren't being killed by the lymphocytes anymore, but they also weren't damaging the red blood cells. The fact was simple, it was mutating. The virus was mutating, and it was doing so at an alarming rate. Not just that, but I was the host. Whatever new and horrible side effects would be unpredictable and I would be the one feeling them. I wondered if this is how the mice felt. After being trapped in cages and jabbed with needles, did they feel scared too? Did they worry about what they'd become? Did they worry they'd turn into monsters?

"Shit, shit, shit," what was I thinking? Mice don't have the mental capacity for those feelings. Do they? Even if they did it didn't really matter, because now I was the rat. I was the unintentional experiment with the undetermined fate. I was the giant question mark. And what made it worse was that with all of this I was more alone than ever. I pushed myself away from the table and decided it was time to make dinner. Put my mind on other things. Nothing looked good. Nothing. All I could think about was that bear out there, delicious, just a big sack of fresh meat waiting to be eaten. What did that say about me? What did that say about my future? I shook the thoughts from my head. "No," I pulled out one of the cans and started to prepare myself something. Something that humans eat. It smelled disgusting, but I didn't care. I was proving a point. I am still human. Once I had finished the preparations, gagging for the duration, I just sat there, staring at the microscope, shoveling the gruel into my mouth, mentally repeating the phrase, 'I am still Annie.' I had no idea what was happening, but I knew I had to fight it. I had to stay me. I had to stay me so I could stay alive and save people.

Eating the slop proved difficult. Every bite brought a turn of my stomach, but I kept it all down. And once the food was consumed I got too take that long shower I had been needing. Showers help clear things up. Showers always help clear things up. The warm water felt so good on my skin, and as the grime washed away so did my worries. I'm still human. I can get through this. I've made it this far; I will make it out of this, too. I just need to calm myself down and keep it together.

After my shower and rebandaging I resorted to smoking and yoga, just to keep me calm. Besides, stress wasn't going to make things any easier. Though my mind didn't remain completely clear, it couldn't focus on any one thing for long and that was good enough. Somewhere between asanas I made a decision. I'd give myself one more day here. One more day to enjoy the easy life. One more day with electricity and running water. One more day of this life.

And boy, did I make the most of that day.

It started with a leisurely morning of sleeping in. When I did get to rolling out of bed I immediately put on my headphones and set about finishing the rest of my stash. After a few bowls I danced my way downstairs for breakfast singing loudly to the music. This was what I did in my apartment back when I was at school; on the weekends I'd just relax all day and enjoy life. Today was going to be just like those days. I grabbed a can of jam and a few rolls of bread that I had made last week. Time for breakfast. It didn't make me as queasy as last night's meal, but a part of me thought that was just the munchies at work. Even then I did still have to practically choke it down. The next thing on my list was a leisurely bath followed by a manicure and pedicure. No thinking. No thinking, just singing along. I continued the grooming theme, seeing as how I wouldn't have much time for it on the road. Besides it kept my mind and hands busy. Too busy to care about what was happening to me. Too busy to care that tomorrow I'd be back on the road. Too busy to care that I was alone.

One lunch rolled around I smoked some more to prepare myself for another meal. Oatmeal was a bland enough choice, and I only gagged a few times. Afterwards I went upstairs and put on the fanciest dress I had stolen: some monstrosity of gold and sequins that I'd never have worn in a million years. Then it was time to unwind with a movie marathon. I even popped myself some popcorn, which would've gone over better if I had butter but I made due. It wasn't like I'd enjoy it anyway.

I managed to keep my mind from the future most of the time, and whenever it did sneak in I'd simply say, "I can only do my best, and I've already readied myself as best as I could." It was true. The car was packed, my on-foot supplies were already together in case I had to ditch the thing, my clothes were laid out, and I'd even brought out a few bottles of lighter fluid for when I leave here. Everything was ready, and the only thing left to do was watch as Edward Norton finally realized that he'd been Tyler Durden the whole time. The second my eyes got tired was the second the movie had finished. I flicked the TV off for the last time; I'd never watch a television again, in all likelihood. I walked up the stairs for the last time not caring to make any mental notes, but instead I softly sung. "With your feet in the air and your head on the ground, try this trick, spin it, yeah…" I opened up my door and collapsed on the bed. This I'd miss. No matter how comfily I outfitted the car, this would always be better. I pulled the covers over my head and had a moment of weakness. I wish he were here, just for a bit. I rolled over and smoked my last bowl. My last ever. I tried to enjoy it, but fear kept creeping up on me. The future. I hated this fear, so useless. There was nothing I could do, so unproductive to worry. But it stayed with me until I drifted off to sleep.

-o0o-

I looked out onto the long highway. I could see the road for miles. "So you're scared?"

"Wouldn't you be?" I laughed as I sat on the hood of the car alongside my brother.

"I guess you're right." I looked over at him; he couldn't have been a day over ten. That was a good year for us. "You'll be fine though."

I shrugged, "I don't know about that."

"Don't be a dumb dumb."

"I'm turning into something else, Joe. I don't know what that's going to mean for me."

"You don't think I know that, Annie?" when he stood up he was older, as old as he was when he died.

"What do you mean you know?"

He squatted down and began digging at the ground, "I'm a part of you, aren't I? I know what's happening to you."

"Then you know I won't be alright if it keeps up."

He turned his attention back to me and laughed, "That's where you're wrong," he smiled at me and I smiled back in reflex. I missed that smile so much, probably my favorite thing about him. "Come here and help me."

I jumped off the hood and crouched beside him, digging with him, "What are we digging for?"

"You'll see in a second. We're almost there."

"Whatever you say boss," my voice had a lightness to it that it hasn't had in over a year. I think that's what made him stop.

"Sister," he stopped my digging as well.

"Yeah, buddy?"

"You probably won't see me much anymore," his eyes had such sorrow in them, and it spread to mine.

"Don't say that," I could feel the tears welling up.

"You don't understand. You won't need me anymore after this."

I shook my head, "Don't be ridiculous, I'll always need you."

"But you'll need something else more. Something real, something still alive."

"I don't want you to go though," the tears fell onto the loose soil we had just been clawing at.

"I know you don't, but I think I have to," he stood up.

I stood up to join him, "Why are you telling me this?"

He shrugged, "I had to say goodbye this time."

We stood in silence for a moment, and suddenly I became aware of the sun. High in a bright blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "Are you sure?" I looked over at him and he nodded, he nodded with that smile. "Promise to come back once I'm past all this though, whenever you feel like, alright?"

"I promise," I stepped over to him and gave him the best hug I could. "Remember when Dad took us hunting?"

I broke in to a crying laugh, "How could I forget? It was the worst day ever."

"That night you told me that you felt horrible for it, remember?" I nodded, "Just remember that. You know, when the smell get's too intense and you get too hungry. Remember how it felt. It will help." I nodded as knelt on the ground again, joining him immediately. "Annie?"

"Yes?"

His hands hovered over the hole, and he motioned for mine to join them, "You're the best sister anyone could have."

"You're the best brother anyone could have."

He grabbed my hands for only a second, "I love you, sister."

"I love you too, brother." He nodded and we reached our hands into the soothing dirt. I felt around, not knowing what I was reaching for. Then I felt it. A hand. I grabbed it and pulled just as Joey was doing only it was different. Joey was sinking as he pulled. He was leaving me. He was leaving me and someone else was taking his place.

I woke up to the sun in my eyes from a small crack between the boards, still half in the dream world. When I sat up I felt a bit better than days past. I wasn't even scared anymore, not after what Joey said. I swung my legs off the bed and savored the moment. The aftermath of a good rest. I felt a smile creep over my lips as I stood up. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I threw the last things into my backpack and slid on my sturdy clothes. They were comfortable enough and rugged enough to serve their new purpose. My shoes were already broken in. Everything was just as it was supposed to be. I walked over to the mirror and applied makeup for the last time. Sure, I had thrown some in the car for whatever reason I had thought of those days ago, but this was going to be the last time I'd really get to enjoy this. The simple joy of painting my face for no good reason. Sheer and pointless fun. Once that was finished I put on the various holsters and garters that would house my weapons. I put on the bag that strapped onto my leg that housed my first aid supplies, then slung the large canteen across my body, and finally swung the large hiking backpack, with the ammo bag and bedroll attached to the bottom over my shoulder. It was heavy, but not uncomfortably so. It wouldn't be too hard to haul around if the car broke down and I couldn't find another one. There were just a few things left to do. I'd have some breakfast, lock the place up, and get out of here. Then I'd be on with my new life.

I choked down the breakfast, accepting that this was just the way things were going to be from now on. No use in complaining about facts. Then I went around and made sure to lock everything down. Once that was all done I threw my bag into the black '66 Chevelle four door. It looked a lot less cool with the bike rack on the back, but it was built well. Joey had always had a thing for old American muscle. I think that's why I picked it from the other cars in town. "I guess you'll be sticking with me after all, buddy," I patted the top of the car after I closed the door. Now there was just one thing to do. I grabbed the lighter and lighter fluid from the front porch and made my way to the pile. I emptied the bottles onto the bodies before I looked down at the bag that contained all the mementos. Kneeling down I began to go through everything. Giving each item some time. Thanking them for their sacrifice. Thanking God for saving me. Praying for their families. Apologizing for what I did to them. Once I'd finished I put everything back into the bag and pulled out the lighter.

"I'm so sorry," I flicked the lighter open and threw it onto the nearest body. In seconds the whole thing went up in flames and then all I could do was stare. Stare at my eventual fate. Stare and be grateful that I was still alive, even if I was changing. Stare and be happy to still be Annie. After a few minutes I turned and went to open the gate. This gate had protected me for over a year. This gate had been my safety net, and I didn't need it anymore. I went back to the car and pulled it through carefully, hopping out only to lock it back up and hang the necklace of keys on one of the locks. I hesitated then, for longer than I'd like to admit, looking up at the house. It wasn't as plain as it had been when I'd arrived. Then it was just a structure in the woods, but now it was more. It had been my home. It had been my haven. It had been the place where I fell in love and found family again. It had been so much to me, but it was time. Time to leave and start the next chapter, the next adventure.

I was giving up safety to find true purpose.

I was giving up safety and I couldn't be happier about it.

Sigh/pant, that was a long one, and I hadn't even meant to update until tomorrow! You know what that means, review the crap out of it... :)