42: Becoming A Monster

"Strip down, put your weapons by the fire, and take a seat" Riley pointed to an old log lying beside the fire. I wasn't going to argue with her, not with the smell. It was everywhere, just gushing out of the men's bodies. Think of the task at hand; I set my weaponry in a neat pile by the fire, hesitating just a moment before continuing to take my clothes off. The air had a nasty bite to it, even without the scent. "Your bra too, but keep those on," she pointed to my underwear. At least I had something shielding me. Some small scrap keeping the scent away. As I stood there I couldn't help but feel defenseless, and from that bred a new kind of worry. I had no idea what Riley had wanted to do, but if I knew her at all it wasn't going to be pleasant. Think of the group. If I can't get past this I'll never be able to trust myself around them, and if I can't trust myself then I'd be better off getting as far away from them as possible. I sat down, rigid, and stared at the fire while Riley moved around from body to body. She was filling some sort of bucket, I couldn't make it out in the dim light. I was sure of one thing in that light, she had some sick kind of smile on her face. The worry churned my already sick stomach. At least I hadn't barfed yet. That's a good goal; no barfing. The only way I was going to make it through this was to think of the group. Just think about them, don't think about her, and definitely don't think about the five-course meal around you. "This'll be painful, but it has to be done." My muscles contracted to keep me from pouncing on any of the happy meals around me, but the cold was getting to my bones causing me to shake in an unnatural way. My jaw had been clenched so tightly, even if I had wanted to say something I wouldn't have been able to, instead I just nodded. She was standing over me now, "Ready?" I gave her another nod, squeezing my eyes shut to brace myself for whatever came next.

Then I felt it.

The still warm chunks of flesh fell onto my cold skin, and it felt wonderful. The aroma was so intoxicating I could hardly contain myself; I was utterly lost in it. I was swimming in a sea of fine dining. Then I remembered.

Annie, you're a human. Annie, this should disgust you. Annie, stop drooling.

I could sense Riley crouch down in front of me before her hand even touched my face. She was smearing the meat on me. "Holding up?" She was careful not to get any on my lips, but I wished she would. Just one little taste, and that's it. That's all I need. One taste. I could feel my body begin to shake against itself more violently. Just one taste. Just one. "Your group," I opened my eyes to see hers. They were still cold, still mechanic. In those eyes I was nothing more than an experiment. "Tell me about them."

I loosened my jaw only slightly and spoke through gritted teeth, "What do you want to know?"

"Anything, just talk. We have more to do here," she disappeared from my vision and I was again looking into the flames. The way they flickered and danced calmed me only slightly, but it was more than I could ask for at the moment.

"There was a fireplace at the house," I thought back, "They'd tell stories around it. Sometimes I'd listen in." I looked down at my trembling hands for a second; some of the chunks were resting there now. I could easily just take one little bite, she didn't have to know.

"Don't think, talk."

I shook my head, trying to shake the idea from my skull, "They didn't really like me at first, except the kid. Carl liked me." I felt her rub more guts against my skin. Keep talking. "He reminded me so much of my little brother. It was like he was back almost. But still, the rest of them, even Daryl, it was like I had the plague." I gave a weak sort of giggle, "How ironic is it that now I actually have the plague?" I could hear her soft laughter as I continued, "I had to save their damn lives just for them to speak to me."

She looked my way, "And you want to go back to these people?"

My gaze joined hers, "We spent months together. They warmed up." I looked back to the fire as she went on with her business; "I was a lot different back then, easier to get along with."

She appeared before me again with another glob of meat to put on, she had that morbid smile about her, "Not so hungry."

Something about the way she said it, hunched over with a handful of dead guy, the subtle up curve of her lips mixed with the playful glint in her eye, it was too much. It was too much for naked nervous me to handle. I let out a loud cackle that echoed through the trees and transformed into a real laugh. The kind of relaxed laugh I'd enjoyed with my brother a thousand times before. The kind of laugh I didn't think I'd ever get to have again. "No," I calmed myself, being careful not to touch my mouth, "Not so hungry." She gave me a hint of smile before leaving me once more. "Back then I was unstoppable. I might have even been happy for a while there, too."

"Like when I first saw you, mowing down deadies?" I heard her from the corner of the camp.

"Kind of, I guess. We didn't see much action like that at the house, not when they were there. I was happy like when kids go to camp. Sad to not be home, but glad to have new friends. That sounds stupid."

"Why'd they leave?"

I scooted closer to the fire; the warmth of the entrails was fading quickly in the night's chill. "Wanted a place of their own, I guess."

She plopped the bucket at my feet, "Cover yourself in it." I quickly went to it, a part of me wanted to. I wanted the smell all over me. I wanted to roll around in it, and sleep in it, and bathe in it. "Don't go eating it or I'll have to put you down," she tapped her gun. I nodded, reminded once more that I was human. I was still a human, just teetering on the edge of it. Just relax. Focus. No barfing. You can do this. "They didn't take you with them."

"I intimidated their leader a bit," I continued to coat myself in the sludge, "But most of them wanted me to go."

"Did you want to?" She grabbed my pile of clothes and went off again.

"Honestly?" I looked over to her and caught her nod, "I did. I wanted to get to stay with them. I wanted to get to be with my brother and my friends. I wanted to get to stay with Daryl."

"You didn't fight to though."

"Who says I didn't." Even I felt the hollowness in my words. I was about to tell her that I'd wanted to. I was about to tell her that I wanted to fight for it, to fight for my slice of happiness. She beat me though.

"If you'd have fought you'd be with them now," she dropped the now blood-drenched clothes in front of me, "Put them on."

I quickly did as I was told, repeating to myself that I was still human. This was all a means to an end. This was all to get back to them. The people I could've been with right now if I'd just stood up and fought. "No need to rub it in," I scoffed.

She thumped down next to me and handed me a newly opened can of beans and spoon, "Eat." I apprehensively accepted them and began my usual choke-fest of a meal. This time it was different. This time I had all the decadent smells around me to torture me as I shoveled to vile slop into my mouth. "I was paying you a compliment," she said between her own bites.

"How was that a compliment?"

She took a few more bites before she spoke to me again, "I've been watching you. I know who you are."

"Then you know I am weak," I spat at her, the fatigue and foul food were sinking in. I saw her look at me from her tin can, expecting me to explain. "You say you've been watching me. Then you have seen me walking around like a dog that's been kicked one too many times. You've seen me unable to defend myself, and that was just the day you met me."

"True," she continued her meal.

I forced another bite down, my eyes now becoming more aware of the dead fella to my right. What I wouldn't give to ditch the canned food for fresher meat. "You see what I'm becoming. I'm becoming a monster."

"Want to know my favorite book?" her voice had the strangest perk to it in that moment. We'd never had any sort of conversation where we'd divulged anything but hard facts. She'd never once had that tone to her voice. "Fight Club. I read it whenever I could at boot camp." She took a few more bites until finally throwing the can into the fire and reaching over to take mine, "Losing all hope is freedom, Annie."

"So I'm free to eat the bodies of bad men?" I nudged the corpse with my foot.

She shook her head, "No."

"Then what?"

She looked up at me and swallowed hard, pointing her spoon at me, "So you're a monster. So what. We're all monsters. At least you know it." She tilted the can back to finish the rest, "Now you can evolve."

"You think I can really 'evolve' to the point that it would be safe for me to see them?" my voice revealed the true desperation in my heart. I hadn't meant for that to happen. I hadn't meant to let her know. Suddenly I felt pathetic.

"Look at yourself," I looked down at my blood-soaked clothes, there were bits of flesh stuck to the fabric, "What do you see?"

"I see a mess." I touched my cheek, feeling the drying blood, "I see a savage."

"No." I could hear the annoyance in her voice, "try harder or I'll shoot you." I thought about it. I tried to think of what she wanted me to say, but I had no clue. She tapped her watch, "Tick tock."

"I'm trying—"

She cut me off, tossing the can into the flames with the other one, "Exactly."

Woo New Chapter! I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. BE SURE TO REVIEW! REVIEWS ARE LIKE CANDY AND I AM HUNGRY NOM NOM NOM! Whoosh, sorry about that, don't know what got into me. Also, again I must give massive credit to LivinJgrl123 for creating the stern but lovable Riley. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!