Setup & Countdown

Apparently going to bed early had been a good idea, because neither Castle nor Kate woke before nine the next morning. Castle, surprisingly, was the first to rise and he carefully untangled himself from Kate, made his way to the kitchen for some coffee. He was still dressed in the previous day's clothing, shirt now wrinkled and pants slightly lopsided. His hair looked appropriately messy for the morning and it briefly struck him that he probably looked like he was doing the walk of shame. Minus the fact that this was his place.

He ambled around the kitchen while the coffee machine worked, glancing out the window over the city, taking in the hustle and bustle down below. He could tell it was already hot and muggy, decided this was definitely a day to stay inside and laze around in the air conditioning. He could probably even go for a few more hours of sleep, though he did also have a few final Nikki Heat things he needed to take care of.

Once the coffee was brewed, he poured a mug for himself and one for Kate as well, took it back to their room with him. Surprisingly she was still fast asleep, inhaling more deeply every fifth breath in the adorable way she always did. The light of day was peeking through the blinds, weaving its way through the gaps between the slats, and it lit the room just enough to dust her skin with a faint glow. He smiled to himself, deposited the mug on her nightstand and bent over to brush a feather-light kiss across her cheek before slipping silently from the room.

He paused at his desk, hesitated slightly before taking a seat, deciding that he may as well get everything taken care of now. The manuscript for Raging Heat was done and all that was left was finalizing a few details on the cover art. And the dedication.

Castle had been agonizing over the perfect words for over a month now and even after this morning, after waking so peacefully to see Kate relaxed in sleep, body caressed by the soft sunlight, he was at a loss; no combination of words seemed suitable to describe his feelings.

He sighed, cracked open his laptop and pulled up the document which was littered with sentences, combinations of words, all in no particular order. Maybe today would be the day something fell into place.

But after a few minutes it became evident that his attempts were futile, that once again his inspiration was giving him the largest case of writer's block he'd had since he met her. One sentence. He couldn't even come up with one sentence to tell the world how much she meant to him.

He sighed again, snapped the laptop closed and leaned back in his chair, coffee cradled in one hand. Their journal still lay on the desk, right where Kate had left it last night, and he was struck with a sudden idea, a potential means of inspiration. Maybe in one of his more heartfelt letters he'd written something that could be tweaked a bit and turned into a dedication.

He switched out the coffee for the notebook, flipped through to the bookmark which still marked the page that she'd read yesterday. He paused there, allowed himself a minute to read that letter, the words that had helped resolve their argument.

Castle quickly lost himself in the words, his feelings and pain from nearly three years prior, and it wasn't until a hand landed gently on his shoulder that he was startled from his reverie.

"Hey," came a soft voice from behind him.

He turned in his chair, looked up to find a tousled Kate smiling down at him. Her makeup was smudged from sleep, clothing crooked and rumpled, but she looked so soft, so at ease and radiant in the morning light, that he had to smile.

"Morning," he replied, lifted up in his chair to press their lips together. She tasted of coffee and it was only then that he realized she had the mug cradled to her chest with one hand as she looked on, eyes flitting between him and the journal.

"Whatcha up to?"

He gestured with the hand that held the notebook, shrugged slightly. "I was trying to finish up the book and I got stuck, so..."

She smiled, nodded in understanding. "Hmmm."

Castle unfolded his arms then, opened them to welcome her into his embrace, his warmth. She came easily, body pliable in the haze of sleep.

"Finding any inspiration?" she asked when they were settled, head nodding to the leather book he still held in one hand.

"Ah." He shrugged lightly, pressed a kiss to her scalp. "I am now."

Kate laughed lightly, took a sip of her coffee, reveling in the way the liquid warmed her throat, washed away the dregs of sleep.

She reached out with her free hand, fingered the corner of the page.

"Want to?" he asked softly.

She shrugged one shoulder, nodded, waited as he shifted his thumb before flipping the page to the next entry.

Castle moved to snag her wrist as she dropped her arm, squeezed it gently to gather her attention. He recognized the date on this one, remembered most of what he'd written, and knew it'd be a difficult read for both of them.

It definitely didn't lend itself well to inspiration for a dedication.

"This one's rough," he informed her, soft warning tones in his voice.

Kate nodded, released a long breath. As long as he was here with her, she could do this. "It's okay."

Dear Kate,

I'm still cold. Everywhere. It's no longer visible from the outside but I can feel it in my veins, and I can already tell it's going to haunt my dreams tonight. God, it's awful, and it just makes me want to wrap you in my arms again because surely you must be feeling it too. Maybe together we could find some semblance of warmth and relief.

Of all the ways I thought I might die, freezing to death was never one of them. Now I know why, because it's so slow and painful and I had way too much time to think about everything I wished I'd done with my life, all the things I'd never had a chance to say. I kept thinking about my mother and Alexis and how they would be left without me, how they would have to cope with the fact that I helped you go rogue and it wound up getting us killed.

Thank God it didn't end that way.

Then you passed out on me, and I don't know how much time passed until I lost consciousness as well, but it seemed like hours. My mind was foggy, everything was in slow motion, and I could feel the cold horror that descended when your eyes fell shut, your words trailed off in the middle of a sentence. I was already hypothermic, but in those moments I could feel the icy dread take over a little more.

The only other thing I remember from after you passed out was thinking that if I had to die, at least I was with you. Morbid, I know, but in the moment it was the only solace I could find.

I'm not sure if you remember what you said before you lost consciousness, but it started with the words 'I just want you to know how much I lo...' You have no idea how badly I wanted that sentence to end with the words "love you," because in some twisted way it would have been comforting because it would have been the last words I heard.

I don't know what would have happened now, though, had you actually finished your sentence and then we had to face each other again just an hour or so later. Especially since Josh was right there, sitting in the ambulance, so clearly smitten over you.

I guess we don't have to worry about that now, because you never finished your sentence and neither of us has brought up anything that was said or done in our near-death encounters during the last day and a half. Part of me wants to mention it. I'm dying to know what you were going to say, if you do in fact reciprocate the feelings I have for you. The other part of me is holding back for fear that you don't and that by speaking up I'll only end up with a broken heart. It might be the coward's way out, but sometimes it's more bearable to not know, to continue to just cling to the shards of hope.

Eventually, though, I know I'm going to have to face the reality that you're still with Josh. After our 'undercover' kiss and your confessions yesterday, I wasn't really sure where you stood. After the way you looked at me as we stood in front of that bomb, the way you hugged me when we didn't die, I dared to hope that maybe you felt it too. Now I know that wasn't the case.

It hurts to know that you've chosen him over me, but I guess I can't blame you for that since I've never actually said the words aloud. I was considering it after we closed the case today. I was planning to ask you to dinner to celebrate surviving and to maybe finally actually talk about things with you... until Josh walked up and that idea flew out the door.

If he truly does make you happy, that's something I'm just going to have to accept. You didn't seem so happy with him a couple days ago, though. And based on what I've seen, I think you deserve better. It's not my place to make such decisions, I know. But you deserve someone who will be there for you, who will jump in with you, just like you said you wanted. You deserve that and so much more.

(By the way, the guy writing this letter would be more than happy to play that role in your life.)

If you're truly happy with Josh, then forget I ever wrote this. But if not, just know that there's someone out there who is very much ready to dive into the deep end with you. Ultimately, though, it's completely up to you. Unfortunately, one's heart is a difficult thing to control, and if yours has chosen Josh there's not a lot I can do about that. Hell, it's not like I came into this partnership intending to fall in love with you.

I may not have your heart, but you certainly have mine and I intend to continue to show you that, day after day. It may be futile, but I can't help it. It's engrained now, the need to protect you, have your back, make you smile and laugh every single day, because even though your heart belongs to someone else I love knowing I can bring some light to your life.

I'll do anything for you, Kate, if it will make you happy. I would even walk away for you if that's what you want. If you think it would help your second chance with Josh, just say the word and I'm gone. All I really want is for you to be happy.

I don't know if you were really going to finish that sentence the way I wanted you to but if you were... I love you too, Kate.

-Rick

"I have to ask," Castle said as they finished reading, and she lifted her eyes to meet his, deep and blue and serious. "What were you going to say?"

"Honestly," she admitted with a slight shrug, "I have no idea. I don't think I was coherent enough at that point to know what I was saying. But given the circumstances, I might have been planning to say something along the lines of 'I love you.'"

"Really?"

"I... yeah, I mean, I did," she stammered, struggling to find the words to explain something that had taken place so long ago and under extreme duress and mental confusion. "I think deep down I felt it but wasn't willing to admit it to myself."

"I didn't know," Castle admitted, running his finger over the words in the journal, the written rendition of what he'd yearned to hear at the time. "It didn't even cross my mind, you know. Not after Josh."

"Yeah." She shifted further into him, breathed him in. "I wasn't exactly forthcoming. And I'd already decided I wasn't going to act on my feelings for you anyway, so when Josh stayed it gave me a nice excuse."

"But you were happy with him."

She shrugged off-handedly. "I was happy enough. But he never stood a chance, Castle."

"Even after he stayed for you?"

Kate shook her head, still slightly ashamed she'd held onto Josh for so long even after it became evident that they were destined to head their separate ways sooner rather than later.

"Not really. Not with you," she replied truthfully. "If I'd never met you then maybe, but it wouldn't have been what you and I have."

Josh had always been such a taboo topic in their conversations, not only when they'd been together but even well after the break up. Castle always suspected that part of the reason Kate avoided talking about him was because their breakup was so closely linked with her shooting. And maybe that was part of it, but Castle could see now that it ran deeper than that. There was so much more involved, a mental journey on Kate's part as well as Castle's reluctance to ask about it, because he may have respected that Kate had chosen Josh, but he'd never liked him and it'd always been a sore spot in their partnership.

"Well, I'm glad it's me." Castle spoke finally to break the silence, lighten the tension.

Kate smiled, leaned in to kiss him soundly, leaving no doubt as to her feelings now, her gratitude that he'd waited around while she pulled herself together and allowed herself to fall in love with him.

"Me too."

I should be packing right now, not writing fanfic. But it's such a fantastic way to procrastinate. Anyway... packing for what, you might ask? I'm moving and I leave on Friday (yeah, I really need to go pack) so unfortunately you may not hear from me for a little while. The next chapter is written and the one after that is partially done, so when I have a chance I'll get those out to you. I can't promise when, but I'm shooting for at least one update next week.

In the meantime, thanks to all of you for reading and encouraging me and for sticking with me through my crazy busy summer! It's much appreciated!