54: I Fight Like Hell To Hide That I've Given Up

It was nice to be clean again. Even if the water was cold, I didn't care. I just was glad to wash off the death and destruction of the last ninety hours. The dirt and dried blood pooled at my feet as I scrubbed. When I noticed it I felt a stab of guilt, that I immediately tried to rationalize away. I had to do it. I had to kill those men. They were going to kill the group. They were going to kill Carl and Judith. Eventually they would have found me too. There would have been no getting around it. It's not like any of the other's could have done anything, and better me than someone else. Better me to shoulder the blame and guilt. I was already going down that path, and that sort of burden shouldn't have to be shared. I could take it. Even if it meant I'd be going to Hell that didn't matter. I had so many happy days with my family and friends, and I was thankful for that. Wanting more was just greed talking. They'd all be up in heaven, and I'd be going downstairs. That's fine. You'll be fine Annie. Face it, the Devil himself wouldn't want to mess with you, not anymore. I scrubbed at the bloodstained skin on my leg for a while, trying to get the color back to white while running over the hunting trip. Had I said the right things? Should I have done something different? No. No. I did the right thing. I did well.

Once I was clean I ran my dress under the water and scrubbed it with the soap. There was a steady stream of red running from it as the water flowed, and after about ten minutes it turned clear so I decided that would have to do. At least it wouldn't be all grimy, and it will definitely smell better. I set the wet fabric on the bench and grabbed the towel to start to dry off. It was weird looking down at my body now. My new ultra-restricted diet meant that most of my fat had gone, and I didn't like it. I was too toned. I never thought I would ever miss my chubbiness, but now I wished I would've enjoyed it all more. I wish I'd gone in for seconds at every mealtime; I wish I would've gone all out. Enjoyed every treat the old world had to offer dozens of times. Now I'd be forever limited. I'd never get to have a steak again or anything even remotely like it. I'd never really get to have any of it again. It was over. Now there was just skin and bones and a soul destined for the pit. I did want things to be different, don't get me wrong, but there was something else there. All of it, every last gory detail, was fine with me. I was fine, and I'd be fine until Death finally did come for me. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I was still me, just a trimmed down version. At least I still had some semblance of my old chest, the good I'd do me out here now. Once I was dry enough I re-bandaged my wounds and slid on my shorts and shirt. The run tugged at my muscles; I needed a nap. I needed a good long period of relaxation before dinner, before guard duty, before any of it. I needed some mental shutdown time. I wrung out the dress a few times and made my way back to my cell to hang it up to dry.

-o0o-

I'd only just set everything down when Carl appeared. "Hey Annie," he was holding Judith at his hip.

"Yes, bud?" I took the few steps and leaned against the bars. If it had been anyone else I'd have told them to go away, even Michonne, but I couldn't do that to him. I'd never do that to him. He never bothered me. I don't think he ever could.

"Would you hold Judith for a while?" he leaned her towards me a little. Her little hands reached over to me and I couldn't resist.

I took her from him. "For sure," I rested her head against my shoulder as she latched on, realizing just how exhausted I was, "We're just going to relax a bit." I turned and took a seat on my bed.

"Is everything okay?"

Nope. Not really. Things were lame at the moment. Things sucked. Things were exhausting and I was hungry and life was getting startlingly close to not being worth living. And the worst part was that I was totally okay with it. I'd accepted it. But I'd never tell him that, "Yeah, just a long day."

He stepped just inside of my cell and leaned back against the grey-painted brick, "You went hunting with Daryl." I nodded, wondering exactly where he was going with this. "Do you still like him?" So that's what he was getting at. I nodded, but I didn't try to look happy. I might've made an attempt if I hadn't been so drained, but I just didn't have it in me. Not today. He bounced against the wall a bit, confusion on his face, "Then isn't it a good thing you guys hung out?"

I shook my head, "I don't think he likes me anymore." The second I said it I realized how childish it all seemed. What? Was this high school? No. I was a full-fledged adult now. I was a strong woman. But I still felt like a grade-schooler. Maybe love just wasn't for me? It hadn't been before all this, so why would things change? I was fine alone anyway, better even.

He nodded a few times but didn't move. We stayed still and silent until he spoke up once more, "Can I read that book you're always reading?"

"This one?" I reached down with my free hand and picked up Riley's book. He nodded with a smile. I hesitated for a minute. Should I really let him read this? I guess it couldn't do much harm, he'd see a lot already. He'd seen people get their heads blown off, by me even. A few colorful phrases couldn't do much harm. I handed it over, "Sure, just don't let your Dad see you."

He held it, and flipped through the pages, "Is it bad?"

I shrugged only slightly to not disturb Judith who had begun to fall asleep, "No, it just has some questionable material."

He got a devilish smile then that reminded me so much of Joey that it hurt a bit, "He's on guard duty anyway." What a troublemaker. What a rebel. He'd like the book.

"Think you can be?" I asked as I slowly reclined onto the bed, keeping the baby in my arms as happy as I could.

His pitch heightened, "Huh?"

I pointed to the doorway; if you could even call it that, "Keep anyone from disturbing our nap?" He gave me the thumbs up and I saw him walk just outside of my cell and sit down with his legs dangling off under the railing. I called to him softly, "Thank you." I saw him nod and heard the book open. Finally some peace and quiet. Finally some time to unwind and recuperate. Judith stirred slightly on my chest, but then settled once more. It was nice having her with me. For whatever reason she didn't smell as strong as everyone else, probably because she was still so small. I shut my eyes, realizing that I wouldn't be able to sleep now that I was holding the baby, but I didn't mind. The quiet was enough; the tiny heartbeat against mine was enough. She was one of two reasons I was alive. Her and Carl. The two people I need to protect above all else. I loved how warm she was against me. The thick walls of the prison kept it relatively cool, and I'd just had a cold shower so her heat was nice. She was so petite resting there on me, so precious. I wonder if none of this had happened would I have ever had a child of my own? I couldn't really picture it. I could never picture being a mother. I rubbed her back lightly; I could be a sister though. I was always good at that. Judith would get a brother and a sister. I wish she could've gotten a Mama, too, but that was out of the cards. We'd just have to work extra hard making a good life for her, that's the best we could hope for now.

I heard someone coming up the stairs, and I froze, worried. Then I remembered I had my own personal bouncer to protect me from unwanted guests. Let's hope he's good at his job.

"Hey, man," it was Daryl, wonderful, "What ya reading?"

"Fight Club," Carl's voice had a hint of pride in it that made me feel just a bit better. I wonder if he was liking it so far?

I could hear it as he sat down. Damn. Couldn't he just go be moody or whatever else he did somewhere else? "Where'd you get that?"

"Stole it from Annie's cell," good cover. The kid was a natural at saving me from blame. I'd have to make it up to him. "She and Judith are sleeping. I'm just making sure no one wakes them up until dinner."

"Got a deer today." I wanted to speak up then and correct him. You mean I got a deer today. If it weren't for me they'd be eating a coyote.

"I saw you guys bring it up." I definitely owe Carl now. I wonder if Rick would let Michonne and me take Carl out with us next time? That could be fun. Or maybe Rick will want to go too? Probably not. He'd want to keep a watch on Judith while we were out.

"You two talk?" Did Carl and I talk? Of course we talk. He's family. He's my God damn brother. We're going to talk. "Did she say anything about what happened out there?" My stomach tensed, but not enough to disturb the sleeping baby. Why was he asking Carl that?

"No, but she looked pretty upset." Good job. As little information as possible, while still answering the question. "I thought you guys liked each other before?" Shit. He was doing so well. Don't go asking that Carl.

"We did." Did. Past tense. So we did, but not anymore. At least now I knew I hadn't been imagining it all back then. That was one in the win column. I was also right about him not liking me anymore; that victory was significantly shallower.

"And she's back now, so why aren't you two together again?" That was a good question. There was a long silence. The kind of silence that just sort of hung there in a rude way like when someone stood too close to you while you waited in a line; the kind of silence that I could hardly stand. I wanted the answer. I wanted the real answer, from him. I didn't want my guesses; I wanted the truth. I wanted to know what had changed between us. Carl pushed him, "Come on, I swear won't tell her." Of course you wont, Carl. You wouldn't need to because I can already hear everything you guys are saying.

There was another long silence, but it wasn't absolute. I think they were rough housing or something, because I could hear movement. I wouldn't dare look, though. Just pretend you're asleep. Just be asleep. Finally he spoke up, "Cause she got bit."

There it was. One bite and I was no longer likeable. One bite and I was to be romantically quarantined. Pull out the crime scene tape, ladies and gentlemen, because this area is off limits. "She didn't change into one of them though." God bless that kid for going to bat for me. He had a realistic point, too. I hadn't turned. I was still human for all intents and purposes. "She's still Annie." She's still Annie. She's still Annie. I'm still Annie. I haven't changed. Carl, who knew me better than anyone else here while they were at the house, even Daryl, still thought I was the same. He still thought I was the same Annie. All of the times I had told myself those words in desperation, praying that they were true, and it meant nothing to me. But hearing those words come from Carl somehow made them gospel. I am still Annie. It's official.

There was a brief pause, "It's not—It's complicated little man." It's complicated? That's the best he has? It's complicated? Bullshit. That was complete and utter bullshit.

"Why?" Carl's tone seemed a bit more irate than usual, which made me smile. He was angered by that sorry excuse for an answer just like I was. "She likes you. You like her. Just because she's immune doesn't make any difference." Did Carl just say he likes me, present tense and everything? Did I miss something?

"That's not it." That's not it? But he just said that was it?

"But you just said—" I almost laughed when Carl repeated my thought, but I caught myself. Joey and I were always doing that. We were so in sync back then. I'm glad I still had that with someone, "She's my sister, try to talk to her. She'll listen."

The next break in conversation was interrupted by a yell from the lower level, "Daryl, we need your help with something!"

I heard more rustling before he said one last thing to Carl, "Don't let your dad catch you reading that."

-o0o-

There was one distinct change at dinner, one that I couldn't completely figure out. My normal table, which had played host to Michonne, Carl, and myself since the third day I got there now had another inhabitant. Daryl. Daryl mad-you-didn't-die Dixon was now sitting right beside me as I held Judith in my arms. Carl didn't seem too surprised by the new addition, but Michonne sure was. At least there were two of us.

Michonne slyly smiled at me, her eyes darting to my left for just a split-second, "So how was the hunt?"

"The usual," I let Judith play with my fingers.

"I can take her if you want to eat," I looked over to see Carol standing just beside me. Her face said it all. She wasn't happy with the seat change, not one bit.

I smiled up at her with the sweetest smile I'd ever been able to produce, "Oh, no. I'm not that hungry just yet." I looked down at the baby, "Oh wait, I'm hungry for kisses!" The giggles she produced as I kissed her hands and face were high-pitched. Happiness displayed through sound if I'd ever heard it. It was funny how similar her laugh was to Carl's already. I could see Carol's sneer from the corner of my eye, but I didn't care. Judith was happy, that's what mattered. Judith was happy so I was happy. Nothing could touch that.

"I miss my kids." Michonne's voice had a new inflection to it.

I immediately stopped and looked up at her. She had kids? "I didn't know—"

There was coldness in her eyes, but it didn't seem to be directed at me, "My son-of-a-bitch ex took custody of them before all of this." I didn't know how to respond, but thankfully she changed the subject by motioning to the chunk of meat on her plate, "You took this one down too, right?"

I nodded, "How'd you know?" I felt the pride spread throughout my limbs and up to my face.

"Saw them walking it up. Shot in the eye," she pointed to her eye.

A voice came from beside me, "Should've seen her out there." The look she gave Daryl then was absolutely hilarious, and even more so when I realized it matched my own reaction. If only he'd been looking at her and not Carl, now that would've been a reaction I'd pay to see. There would have probably been a fight. "I ain't seen tracking like that before." A compliment? A honest-to-goodness compliment? No way. What the fuck? Wait, did he notice that I wasn't using tracks? Could he tell I was sniffing it out?

I tried to cover my ass as best as I could, "I've had lots of practice."

Carl spoke up, "Were there lots of walkers?"

"A few, but most of them are on the other side of the road." I looked up at Michonne. She would have known I was referring to Woodbury. That was the current plan; prevent our group from getting too close to Woodbury. That was the easiest way to prevent any sort of mishap. "Safest bet is to stick to hunting on the West side. Less walkers mean more wild life."

Daryl stood up, "I better get up to the tower." He was announcing his plans now? Today had to be the strangest day I'd had in a long time, and nowadays that really meant something.

"I'll come with ya," Carol popped up from her seat. I think I saw a hint of annoyance in his face, but I couldn't be sure. He always looked pretty annoyed.

Once they left Michonne leaned forward, "What was that about?"

I widened my eyes and shook my head. I still didn't understand what had just happened. Had I missed something in Carl's little conversation? I pointed over to Carl who was smiling, "Ask him."

Her eyes playfully narrowed, "What did you do little man?"

"Nothing, I swear."

-o0o-

When I stepped outside to head to my nightly stint in the guard tower something was different. Something big. I sniffed at the air a few times. Something in the forest, or more someone. A human. Shit. Today just kept getting weirder and weirder. I ran up the steps to the top of the tower and burst into the room. Daryl looked confused by my abrupt entrance, "Someone's out there."

He grabbed the binoculars and looked out into the darkness, "I don't see anything."

"I know." Shit. What do I do? I tried to think of what to say. I couldn't exactly say I smelled someone, but I couldn't say I saw someone either. Come on Annie. Think fast. "I heard them." Good. That totally made sense.

He grabbed his crossbow from the desk, "More than one?"

"Didn't sound like it." It only smelled like one, I'd be willing to bet on it even. I grabbed keys and the pistol on the desk and checked that it was loaded, "Go get Rick and whoever else is awake, Michonne if you can." I opened the door and hurried down the steps. He followed.

When I turned to head towards the main gate a hand grabbed my arm, "Where do you think you're going?"

My tone was obvious, "Find them before they find us." I moved to continue, but his hand tugged me back.

"No you ain't. Not on your own," Was that concern in his voice? Was that legitimate concern? What the fuck happened between our hunting trip and now that I missed? Nothing he'd said to Carl even hinted this. I brushed it off, along with his hand.

"I'll be fine," I took a few steps away, "Just hurry." I broke out in a light jog.

Once I slid through the gate I locked it behind me and I ran towards the smell. I needed to get there before anyone else could. It was safest it if was me. I could make the call. I could do this. The smell strengthened; they were close. I turned off the safety and readied the pistol as I closed the gap. There. I could see them. Just one person, and they were injured from the smell of it.

"Hold it right there," I pointed the gun directly at the man's head as the moon shone through the trees.

Woo Hoo! Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this tidbit as much as I do. Please review with your thoughts, because I love to hear them. :) And special thanks to FanFicGirl10 (I hope you're stoked for the next chapter like I am).

Question Time: First off, what the fug is up with Daryl? Now he's reasonably non-hostile? What do you think is really happening there? Second, who is this new person? Bad guy, good guy, happy guy, sad guy? What will it mean for the group? DUN DUN DUN!

Can't wait to hear your answers. And DON'T BE SHY! The more you review, the more it encourages me to write and the more of a feel I have for what you guys want/think. So it's like a win win win. :)