Knockout

"Whatcha doing?"

Kate lifted her head, followed the sound of his voice to the man in question, leaning against the doorframe with a mug of coffee clutched in his left hand.

"Cleaning off my nightstand."

Castle raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

She grabbed a couple books from the top of it, slid them into the bottom section, which she'd turned into a bookshelf for her absolute favorites long before she'd officially moved into the loft.

(Castle never let her live down the fact that four of his books were among the ones she stored there.)

She shrugged. "It was a mess."

"Oh."

Kate could hear the footsteps approach, followed his shadow across the room as he crossed to her, sat down on the edge of the bed by her side. He reached out to pick up the remaining three books, set aside his coffee to look through them.

They'd stumbled upon a used book sale yesterday and Kate had come home with eight or ten novels, five of which replaced ones she'd lost all those years ago when Dunn blew up her apartment and had never gotten around to replacing.

He flipped through the pages, read the summaries on the back of the first two from the nightstand. Hmmm. He'd never heard of them before but they sounded interesting enough.

The third one, though... that wasn't new at all. That was their journal, and while Kate slipped the other two books from his hand to slide into their new place, Castle flipped open the leather cover, made his way curiously to the next entry.

"Hey now, no reading without me," Kate scolded lovingly.

Castle lifted his eyes suddenly, face covered with an I-just-got-caught-with-my-hand-in-the-cookie-jar expression, and Kate couldn't help but laugh because he looked so guilty and petulant and just plain adorable with his damp hair and bright blue eyes.

"Kidding," she placated, but Castle caught her hand as she stood, tugged her down on the bed next to him.

"Read with me, then," he requested.

She nudged him gently, feathered her smiling lips across his in approval. "Okay."

Dear Kate,

I don't even know what to say right now. I'm at a loss. We were partners, friends. We worked side by side day after day. Now we're nothing. We're just... done. And I feel so empty.

The worst part is, there's really nothing I can do about it. I can't – won't – apologize, because I did what I had to do, and it may not be the popular course of action but choosing between stepping aside or helping you saving your own life – it's not even a choice.

You know, Montgomery asked me to stop you, to keep you safe. Just this morning. He told me I'm the only person who can make you stand down. He put that responsibility on my shoulders. The responsibility of keeping you out of harm's way.

Your dad asked me, too. He came to the loft the other night wanting to know how dangerous these guys are. Wanting to know if he could trust me to keep you safe. He does, Kate. He trusts that I can convince you to back down, to protect his only daughter from being taken from him far too soon. People are counting on me to make you let this go. That's a responsibility I take very seriously, which is why I stopped by today.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, telling you to let go, to walk away from something that means so much to you. I know how important this case is to you. I know how much you've dedicated to it, sacrificed for it. I knew you would hate my suggestion and I expected you to lash out at me.

But I also know how many people would be destroyed if you died fighting this. Your dad, Josh, Lanie, everyone at the precinct.

Me.

There are so many people out there who love you, Kate, and that's why I showed up at your apartment tonight. I was so nervous as to how you'd react that I almost turned back more than once, almost talked myself out of it. But I had to do this.

I went over the conversation a thousand times in my head and had it all planned out. I was going to tell you everything I've told you in this letter; how people would be left behind, forever heartbroken. How people have asked me to protect you. That I love you and I don't want to lose you.

But I never got a chance to say that, because then you asked me what we were and I didn't have a good answer and we started fighting about me having no right to interfere with your life. Maybe I don't. Maybe you're right. But right or not, I'm your partner, and it's my responsibility now. It's in my hands.

Or, well, I was your partner.

I guess that's over now, but my responsibility certainly isn't. I still plan to protect you, to make you stand down, one way or another. I don't know how I'll manage, but I owe it to your father and to Montgomery to try, even if it makes you hate me even more.

I meant what I said, you know. You deserve happiness. You deserve to have a life that's not riddled with hurt and pain and the death of a loved one. And I know that will forever be a part of your past, but that doesn't mean you can't have a future that's not overshadowed by everything else. You deserve to be happy and to be loved and cared for. You deserve to experience life outside of murder, outside of that shell. You deserve to be free to smile and laugh and live and love.

That's all I ever wanted for you. Even if it's with Josh instead of me. I just want you to have the life you deserve, because to allow yourself to be free and open is so much more amazing than what you've settled for. I'd hoped that by convincing you to step aside, I could help you see that.

Instead, I'm sitting at home in my office, trying to hang onto the tiny shard of hope that I'll see you again, that maybe you'll wake up in the morning and understand that I did what I had to do. This isn't over, Kate. I'm going to fight for this, for you, because somebody has to be there to look out for you, to protect you, and that person is me.

You can hate me all you want for asking you to step away, you can throw me out of your life and never speak to me again, but I'll still be there for you, no matter what. I'll still love you.

Rick

"My dad talked to you?"

Castle nodded, lifted his eyes to hers. "Yeah. Showed up at the door after Lockwood's escape. I'm guessing he must've just talked with you, because he knew the gist of what was going on."

"What did he say?" Kate questioned.

"Asked me about the people you were after, about how dangerous they were. He was terrified, Kate. He told me he couldn't lose you to them, not after your mom. He just..." Castle shook his head. "I don't remember the whole conversation because I was mostly stunned he was here asking me to protect you, but I remember thinking he looked so stricken. And I remember being both honored and overwhelmed that he trusted me with your life."

Kate nodded thoughtfully, reached out a finger to absent-mindedly trace the edges of the journal. "I never knew but I guess it makes sense. He was rooting for us from the beginning. He liked you way before I did."

"Your dad?"

She grimaced, shook her head at the memory. "Always asking me about you and if you'd asked me out yet. He kept saying it was so obvious you had feelings for me, and I just kept rolling my eyes and telling him he was being ridiculous."

"He's a smart man," Castle said affectionately, smiling fondly as he thought of the man who'd become almost like a father to him, much in the same way that Martha had come to play a sort of motherly role in Kate's life.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Shut up, smug doesn't suit you."

But she kissed him sweetly, hands coming to rest against his chest, and Castle allowed himself to be swept under her spell, closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her as her taste and scent and warm body surrounded him.

Anything to distract her from reading any more, from moving on to the letters that would break their hearts all over again, because he knew exactly what came next, knew it almost word for word.

Kate's fingers found the bare skin of his side then, sneaking beneath his shirt and travelling up, higher and higher, and he could feel his muscles dancing and rippling beneath her touch, could feel the heat seeping through his veins. The way she could overpower him so quickly, could reel him in... It was just. God, he loved her.

"I really thought you were gonna tell me, you know?" Kate spoke as they came up for air, breaths hot and heavy and mingling in the space between them.

"What?"

She leaned back a bit to meet his eyes, deep cobalt and cloudy with passion. "In my apartment that night."

Her apartment? That night? Oh, she was back to the letter? How was she still thinking about his letter after that kiss? He couldn't even remember a single word of it, had to force his brain to retrace their conversation.

She saved him the trouble, however, by elaborating. "That you loved me. When I asked you what we were, and you hesitated, and you were looking at me, it just... I don't know." She shrugged. "It briefly crossed my mind that you were in love with me. I think a part of me wanted – needed – to hear it."

"Would it have changed the outcome?" Castle mused.

"I want to tell you yes," she said slowly, thoughtfully, debating her words. "But truthfully, probably not. At that point, my mom's case was still more important."

He nodded understandingly, not hurt by her admission because he already knew it to be the truth. Not until she'd showed up at his doorstep soaking wet with tears in her eyes had he – or anything, for that matter – become more important than her mom's case.

"It's okay," Castle assured her, lifting a hand to guide her lips back to his.

"Promise?" she asked against him, warm breaths mingling in the infinitesimal space between them.

Their lips met gently at first, passion rising again as Kate's hand slid into his hair, her nails against his scalp, and a moan escaped her mouth and, God, she was just so incredibly sexy. And maybe back then her mother's case had been the most important thing, but it was different now, and Castle knew that.

Now the most important thing was him, them. She loved him. And that was what mattered.

He softened the kiss momentarily, pulled away just enough to whisper one final word. "Promise."

Thoughts?