Let the angst-fest begin.

Rise (Part I)

"Kate..."

She lifted her head, met Castle's eyes, deep blue and pleading. "Hmmm?"

She'd just crawled into their bed and was reaching for the journal but stopped midway, hand suspended, at the look on his face, the concern in his voice. Like he didn't want her to read.

He didn't, because he knew very well what came next, knew they were in for a long string of emotional and painful letters. He'd selfishly been trying to steer them away from reading all week because he wasn't sure he could handle reading them again, and he also wasn't sure how she'd react. No matter what, he knew old and difficult memories were going to be brought to the surface, memories he never wished to relive. But the reality was that it was a part of their history, no matter how painful, and she had a right to read them, to know.

Nevertheless, he felt an obligation to warn her first.

Castle swallowed hard, picked up the journal himself and walked around to his side of the bed. He climbed in silently, situated himself against the pillows, leaning back against the headboard.

"Is everything okay?" Kate asked, concerned.

He dropped his gaze to the journal, lifted it back to her. "These next ones are difficult." She looked confused and he elaborated. "From when you were..." He trailed off, still hated verbalizing it even three years later.

Oh.

Oh.

From when she was shot. Which made sense, considering the last letter they'd read had been from just before that.

She swallowed hard against the tide of hurt and pain that washed over her, forced back the memories, the grief of that summer. The last summer they'd ever spent apart.

"If you don't want to..." she began.

Castle shook his head. "No... I mean, this is your journal as much as it's mine and I can't stop you from reading them. I just want you to be prepared. I was a mess, Kate. I was angry and miserable and it shows."

She took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. She could do this. She really could. And as painful as it would be, she was pretty sure they needed it. Needed to really dig deep and talk about that summer in the same way they'd talked about all the other difficult letters.

A lot had happened during those three months apart and they'd rarely spoken of any of it. Castle knew she and Josh had broken up. She knew he'd been angry with her. He knew she'd gone to her dad's cabin, essentially fell into seclusion aside from therapy.

But that was it.

She knew nothing about how he'd passed those three months, how he'd felt. He knew nothing of the grueling therapy she'd endured, the sleepless nights and stabbing pains and feelings of utter helplessness and hopelessness.

He had no idea that it was him who helped her through that summer, that even though he was absent from her life in person his words had given her the drive and the strength to fight back.

Kate nodded to herself. Yeah, they needed to do this.

"Are you staying?"

Castle looked shocked. "Me?"

"I didn't know if you wanted to read them again or not."

He already knew them word for word, but that was beside the point. "I'm not leaving you alone with this."

Dear Kate,

We've known each other for over two years now and you know I'm a pretty optimistic person, that not a lot gets me down, but I can say with absolute certainty that yesterday was the worst day of my life. God, it will haunt me forever.

The gunshot.

You falling to the ground, blood pouring out of your chest, staining your uniform, covering my hands.

I can still feel it there, Kate. No matter how many times I wash my hands, it's still there, lingering, a constant reminder that I almost lost you, that you're currently fighting for your life alone in a cold, white room.

But nothing, nothing, was worse than watching your eyes close, seeing the lights go out, watching you slip away while I sat there helplessly. I've never felt so useless in my life.

Every time I close my eyes, I'm back in that cemetery, watching you die. God, Kate. You lost so much blood. I thought I'd lost you forever. I've never felt so broken as I did during those agonizing hours in the hospital waiting room. I was too numb to even notice I was exhausted or that the hard plastic chairs were making my entire body hurt. The pain in my heart outweighed everything.

How could I feel anything else when I thought I might never see you again?

I've never truly been able to say I understand how you felt when your mother was taken from you, but now I can almost imagine. I don't know how you ever recovered from that, moved on with your life, but I think my respect for you just quadrupled, because I don't think I'd ever recover if I lost you. And I don't even have you to begin with.

I know you don't remember, but I finally told you what I've been saying in these letters for months. I love you, Kate. I said it out loud. I hate that it took you dying in my arms for me to admit it, and I hate even more that you don't remember it. But I hope your brain registered it at the time, that it gave you something to cling to in what were almost your final moments.

And I hope that someday soon I have the chance to say it again in a less dire situation. Maybe when we're drinking coffee at the murder board, or over dinner at my place. Or yours. Or maybe even when you finally agree to let me take you out on a date, complete with dinner, dancing, and a kiss goodnight.

Until then, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'll be working every day, along with Ryan and Espo, to find your sniper, to put this case to rest, once and for all. I'm doing it for you, Kate, and Montgomery and your mother and father and everyone else whose life has been torn apart by this conspiracy.

We'll find him. We will. I promise you that. He's going to pay for what he did. And he's never going to hurt you again. I will make sure of that.

No one gets to take you away from us. From me.

I need you.

I miss you.

I love you.

Rick

Kate let the journal fall to her lap, took a deep breath to stave off the tears threatening to fall. It was over. They'd survived it, come out of the ordeal stronger for having made it through. And despite the grief and pain it had caused at the time, it would forever be a part of them, of who they'd become, together.

"You okay?" Castle murmured, sneaking a hand behind her back and letting it fall on her opposite hip.

She leaned into him, rested her head on his shoulder. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

He pressed a kiss to her temple, felt Kate sigh in response.

Together, they could get through this.

Thoughts?