Rise (Part II)

Eventually Kate lifted her head, reached to turn the page of the journal, but Castle snagged her wrist, stopped her.

"I think that's enough for one night."

She shook her head, met his eyes firmly. "No, let's do it all now. I don't want to have to relive it more than once."

He sighed heavily, dropped her arm to run a hand over his face. Logically, he knew her suggestion made sense. The faster they made it through, the faster they could move on. But it was just... a lot. Living through it once was exhausting enough, especially considering he'd relived it in his dreams countless times since that summer. The last thing he wanted to do was relive it again and have to actually talk about it. But they needed to.

Yeah, okay, she was right.

Castle grasped the other side of the journal and together they lifted it to rest against their bent knees. "Okay, let's keep going."

Dear Kate,

I know it's only been three days since I last wrote but I miss you. I hope you're doing better. You have to be. I'll never forgive myself if you don't make it through this.

This was my fault, you know. I was the one who reopened the case. At the time, all I wanted was to help you find closure but if I'd known what was going to happen – cover-ups and conspiracies and more murders and you getting shot – I'd have left it alone.

I never wanted to put you in danger, Kate. You deserve the truth. I still believe that. But more than that, you deserve to live and be happy and not have to worry about whether you will live to see the next day. I know you're a cop and that's part of your job, but there shouldn't be more on top of that. One person can only carry so many burdens.

I hate that this has happened. I hate that I was too selfish two years ago to think ahead, consider the consequences. I'm sorry my reaction time was too slow to pull you out of the way and save you from that bullet. And if there's anything I can do to make this stop, to keep you safe, I'm going to do it. No matter what. Maybe that's selfish of me, too, since I can't imagine not having you in my life, but that's just the way it is. I got a glimpse into that world a few days ago and I never want to find myself there again. Never.

I would die for you, Kate, if it meant you would live to see another day.

I don't even have you, but I know I don't ever want to live without you.

I love you so much.

Rick

"Castle, you can't do that," Kate said with a sigh as she finished reading, let the journal drop again.

It'd always been a point of friction for them, the willingness of each to die for the other. They'd fought about it more than once and every time they came to the same dead end. In fact, it was the one fight they'd had that Castle had thought might truly break them.

He pulled her out of the way.

He jumped in front of her when a suspect pulled a gun, wrapped his arms around her and tugged her down behind the stack of palettes in the warehouse. The bullets ricocheted over both of their heads, whizzing through the spot that seconds ago had been occupied by Kate's left shoulder as Castle pinned her to the ground, out of the line of fire.

Thankfully Ryan and Esposito arrived just then, charged in and shot the man in the leg before he had a chance to fire off any more rounds. They disarmed and cuffed him, checked to see that everyone was okay, and led him away, leaving Kate and Castle alone in the empty warehouse.

Only then did Castle loosen his hold on her, roll over to sit up. "Are you okay?"

She was up on her knees before he knew it, shoving him back against the palettes. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"He had a gun," Castle protested, hands raised in innocence.

"Yeah, I know. And you jumped in front of it."

"Well I wasn't going to let you get shot."

"Castle, I'm the one with the gun," Kate snapped. "I'm the one who should be doing the protecting."

"I'm your partner, and if you think that means I'm going to idly stand by and watch you get shot again, then you're mistaken."

"He wasn't going to shoot."

"He did," Castle exclaimed, gesturing wildly above him to the path of the bullet. "He shot right at where you were standing."

"I have a vest on."

"And there's a lot of you that's not covered by that vest."

"Castle..."

"Kate..."

She sighed heavily, stood and turned away from him. They were in a deserted warehouse in Washington Heights in the middle of the night. She was exhausted and needed to get back to the precinct. And they really didn't have the time for this fight right now.

"Later, okay?" she asked, though it wasn't really a question.

"Kate..."

But she walked away without a backwards glance, the click of her heels echoing through the dull silence.

Castle got to his feet as he heard the door slam shut behind her, trudged out of the building and across the street to the cruiser. Kate was already behind the wheel and the engine was running but it wasn't in gear; waiting for him, even in her anger. He slid in without a word and the ride back to the precinct was made in complete and utter silence.

The suspect was at the hospital and Ryan and Esposito were just getting started on the booking paperwork when Kate called them off for the night, sent everyone home, herself included.

To her own apartment.

Unsurprisingly, there was a knock on her door not ten minutes after she arrived home, and when she stubbornly refused to answer, Castle simply inserted the key she'd given him the month before and let himself in.

He found her curled up in bed, dressed in pajama shorts and the soft grey t-shirt she'd stolen from him, cheeks stained with tears. He toed off his shoes, crept over to kneel by the edge of the bed.

"Kate."

"Castle please, not right now."

"I'm not sorry," he pressed, unwilling to take no for an answer. "I won't apologize for saving your life. I love you. It was instinct."

She blinked back the next wave of tears, forced herself to look him in the eye. "That instinct is going to get you killed."

"If our positions had been reversed, what would you have done?"

"That's not the same," she fought back, a weak argument she knew, but it was all she had right now and she was desperate for him to understand; desperate for him to realize that she'd never recover from losing him.

"Yes it is," Castle continued. "It's exactly the same. I love you. I don't want to live without you, so I did what I could to protect you."

"But what if you'd gotten hurt?" Kate asked, drilling straight down to the bedrock of the issue with just one sentence.

"If it saved you, it would've been worth it."

She shook her head, swiped a hand across her cheek to wipe away the tears. Her anger seemed to have dissipated somewhat, though, which was good. "Castle, I couldn't live with that."

"And I can't live without you."

Kate sighed heavily, buried her face in her pillow, because really, what more could they do from this point? She didn't want to lose him and he didn't want to lose her. Both of them would go to whatever means necessary to protect each other.

It was a stalemate, and one with no good solution.

"Just... be careful, okay?" she said eventually, voice soft even in the quiet of the room.

"Same goes for you," he murmured, carding a hand through her hair.

She lifted her head, met his gaze with watery eyes. "You just gonna sit on the floor all night?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted..."

"Castle, get in the bed."

He stood quickly, fumbled his way out of his jacket and shirt and jeans and socks until he was clad only in a white t-shirt and boxers. Kate scooted back, lifted the covers for him to join her, and he did so eagerly but still a bit tentatively.

It wasn't the last time they'd have that fight. Of that he was sure. But at least now they knew where each other stood.

"Kate, we've been over this," he pressed, pulling her from her recollections.

She sighed heavily, shoulders sagging. "I know."

It ate at her every day, the worry, the potential that the night might come when one of them didn't make it home. She'd accepted it long ago for herself, knew it was a risk inherent to her job. But now that she had him, everything was different.

"You know I'm careful," he said softly.

She nodded. "I know. And so am I."

Castle nuzzled into her hair, held her close with the arm that was still around her. "Then that's all we can do. That and make the best of the time that we have together."

"I know."

And she did. It'd been difficult at first to accept that it really was worth it, that loving each other so thoroughly for however much time they had was worth the paralyzing pain they might experience. But she knew better now. She knew it was worth it.

She wouldn't trade her current happiness for anything.

Thoughts?