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64: Pieces Of What

I couldn't tell the difference between asleep and awake. It all flowed together and in either place I couldn't escape what was happening. I couldn't escape what had happened. It just hung there in my cell with me. It was the only thing I could think of. The pain, the loss; I couldn't help but sob into my pillow in silence. Flashes of faces flooded my thoughts, and then the ear. The ear on the table. That wall. That stupid ugly wall. I'd twist in my cocoon and try to escape them but there was no use. You can't run from what's in your head. You can't run from memories. They'll just scab and scar, never completely fading away, never completely leaving me be.

At some point the pain medication and my general fatigue must have won out, because things seemed to stop for a while. My eyes shut, my breathing slowed, and the next thing I knew it was a new morning. When my eyes opened there was no grace period. There wasn't the normal moment of forgetful bliss. Then it occurred to me; those moments were gone to me now. Now I'd never be able to forget the evils of this world.

I sat up too fast. If there had been anything left in me it would have been purged, but I was as empty as I felt. That's all I was. Empty. I looked around my cell. Nothing had been touched. The crutches still sat on the floor, unmoved. No one had come to see me. No one. I felt the heat behind my eyes again and the wetness covered my face. No one had come to check on me. Why had no one come? I thought after everything we had been through that they had cared. I thought they cared enough to check and make sure I hadn't blown my own brains out. Maybe I was wrong.

My stomach grumbled loudly. I needed to eat. Hopefully someone would talk to me at breakfast.

I pulled the slippers on my feet after I wiped the moisture from my face. Just get some food in you, some water too, and then you can come back in here and cry some more. Maybe someone would sit with you, hold you. Maybe Daryl would. I eagerly picked the crutches off of the ground and jammed them under my arms. I could faintly hear talking, but I couldn't make out the words. It all felt so far away. Just get some food, Annie. You'll feel better if you eat. You'll heal faster if you eat. I clacked down the walkway and slowly descended the stairs. I hated this, how could Hershel stand it? I grunted and huffed as I neared the bottom. Once I reached the floor I was able to get a look around. No one was in the cellblock. They were all eating breakfast by the smell of it. Why hadn't they woken me up for breakfast? Why didn't they come get me?

Clack, clack, clack.

My old table was full. Carl, Rick, Beth with Judith, and Hershel had filled it. Shit. I made my way over to the food that was set out. Powdered eggs, scrambled. They used to be my favorite. Now they would be as good as anything else in the lineup. I needed protein. I filled a plate with the yellow fluff and grabbed a bottle of water before making an attempt to sit at the only table that wasn't full. Glenn and Maggie. I held the bottle in my mouth to free up one of my hands and made my first attempt towards the table. No luck. It took me a second before I realized I'd need to ditch one of the crutches to make it over with the plate. As I slowly inched my way to my seat I felt eyes on me. They were all there. They were all talking. They were all just sitting there, staring over at me while they talked about whatever pointless thing was the news today. Couldn't they see how difficult this was for me? They had to be able to see that I needed some sort of assistance. Then why weren't they helping me? Why were they just looking at me, but not addressing me? I finally set the plate down as I thudded down onto the bench and then opened the bottle to take a sip.

The water quenched my thirst, and I felt a bit better. Focus on that, Annie. Don't focus on them. Just do what you came down here to do and get on with your day.

Now to eat.

I kept my head down as I shoveled the food into my mouth. It tasted so disgusting, but I didn't care, not anymore. I was so hungry that I'd have eaten just about anything at that point. Chew, swallow, sip. Chew, swallow, sip. After a few bites Carol appeared at our table and spooned some more food onto both Maggie and Glenn's plates. When I looked up at her, expecting that I, too, would get another few spoonfuls, she just walked off. I stabbed at me. I wanted someone, I wanted someone to hold me and tell me things would be fine. She'd never do that for me. Why did I even want her to?

I was halfway through when I remembered that something was missing. The one thing I wanted to find down here. Those eyes. Daryl. I set my fork down and looked around the room for him, fighting the stiffness in my muscles. No one looked at me when my gaze passed by. No one was looking at me, but it was clearly intentional. Did I do something wrong? Wait. He's not here. I scanned again. He's not here.

I looked up to Glenn and Maggie who didn't look away immediately like the others. I didn't want to say it allowed. I didn't want to say anything, so I just mouthed, 'Daryl?'

They both shook their heads. No. No. I should've stayed back, and made sure he got out safe. I shouldn't have left. I should've gone back in and killed them all like I'd wanted to. I looked back down to my eggs, seeing drops of water appear on the plate. Was I crying? My face was too numb; it was as though I couldn't feel anything anymore. I lost him. More droplets fell. Shit. I wiped my face with my spare hand. Not in front of everyone, Annie. Glenn cleared his throat only to speak in a whisper, "He isn't dead."

I looked up at him in pure confusion.

Maggie continued his thought, "He left with his brother."

"Why?" was all I could get out.

"Annie, I need to talk to you once you're finished." I looked over my shoulder to Rick who had just spoken, tears still streaming from my eyes faster than I could wipe them away. All I could do was nod back.

Once the food was chocked down Maggie took my plate for me. I wanted to tell her thank you. I wanted to tell her thank you, but I couldn't get the words out. I just grabbed both of the crutches and made my way over to Rick and Carl who were now by their cells. I didn't say anything when I reached them; I just stood there and waited.

"I hate to ask this of you right now," Rick's voice was notably weaker than usual, "But we need to double up the watches and you're just about the best shot that we have."

At first I didn't move. I couldn't do that. I couldn't take a watch. Not now. Not in the state I was in, either physically, emotionally, or mentally. What use would I really be? If anything happened I'd be a sitting duck. I couldn't hear properly anymore. All I could really still do was smell, was that enough? I could see in his face that I had to, they still needed me. This was something I would have to do, even if everything in me wanted to say no, even if everything in me wanted to curl into a ball far away from here and waste away. I could feel fresh tears forming as I stuttered, "Oh- okay." I caught my breath quick, but it was too late. Whatever levy I had shoddily managed during breakfast had been flooded over. Now I was back to the heavy breaths and sobs.

He stepped out of my way and motioned towards the bunk bed, "Sit down."

"He left," I dropped down onto the bed and stared up at my would-be father, "Why'd he leave?"

I could hear the disappointment in his voice, "He wanted to stay with Merle."

My words became frantic now, "Merle couldn't stay here too? We have plenty of space."

"After what he did to Glenn, to you," I saw his eyes dart to my bandage, "We couldn't have him here. He's too dangerous." Too dangerous? He was another strong person, another potential protector. He knew the Governor, he knew all about Woodbury. He could have been an asset. He could have been a friend. And most of all if he was here Daryl would be too.

I snapped back, "I don't care about my ear."

"That's not the only thing he did," he looked at me directly in the eye. I knew what he meant. When they found me I was hanging naked from a hook dangling from the ceiling. Even if Beth, Hershel, and Carl had kept it to themselves they could have still guessed what happened in that room.

"The Governor ruined me," I motioned at myself, "Not him. Merle could've killed me, but he didn't." I thought back to that moment. He could have shot me, justified it, but he didn't. I could have killed him, too, but I didn't. Whatever unspoken agreement we had was finalized in that moment. "He let me just walk away."

He ran a hand through his hair and stood up straight once more, "What was I supposed to do?"

I looked at him as I continued to bawl. What was he supposed to do? He was supposed to keep us all together. He was supposed to make sure they all came back. He was supposed to know an asset when he saw one, and keep Daryl here with us no matter what. But how could he? How could he manage all of that when he was barely keeping it together as it was? For all I knew he felt like crying too. His decision, even if I wish he'd chosen otherwise, was what he thought would be best for us all. Either way would have been difficult. He made the call. He was just doing his best to keep us as safe as possible. I looked up at him and wiped off my face before nodding. He knew what I meant by it. He knew that I knew he was just doing the best he could. This wasn't his fault. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine. I should have been stronger.

Rick turned to the opening in the cell, "You can have the day shifts."

I nodded again before he left. Carl, who had been standing just outside the cell, also turned to leave, but I stopped him, "Carl?" He faced into the cell, but his eyes stuck to the floor. No. Despondency filled my voice, "Please look at me, buddy." His head raised and our gazes finally met, "Can you sit with me until I have to go?"

"Okay." He slouched down beside me, and I couldn't control myself. He was so much like Joey, and even if he hadn't been he was still family. I pulled him to me, wrapping him in a tight hug and for that moment I felt better. I didn't let go; I couldn't let go. I didn't want to put this on him, but I needed my brother now more than ever. I needed my family. All I had wanted was a hug, and even with his arms limp under my own it was enough. My sobs subsided into a quiet drizzle. After a few minutes I felt him relax as he began to pat my arm.

Eventually I knew it was getting time to gather a few rifles and head up to the tower. I didn't want to have to leave though. I didn't want to have to leave him just yet. I didn't want to be alone with someone else just yet. I let go of him, "Do you think you can cover the watch with me?" He gave me a silent nod, and I couldn't be that upset anymore. I still had my buddy. I still had something.

-o0o-

I stared through the binoculars during my fifth sweep in the last three minutes. We had to be careful. We had to be more than careful, we had to be perfect. Whatever I felt, however hollow I was would have to wait while I was up here. Up here I had to keep it together and do my job. I couldn't slip up. I slip up and we all might die. If we all die then I would have gone through all of that for nothing. If we all die I'd never get him back.

Once I finished my scan I looked over to Carl, his nose still stuck in Riley's book. We agreed to trade off doing the scans every once in a while to pass the time, help pass the time. It would also keep us relatively alert, and that's what we needed. I held the binoculars back up, "How do you like the book?"

His voice was less than enthusiastic, "It's okay, I guess."

I spit out my favorite line, "Losing all hope is freedom."

He slammed the book shut, "So that's it?" He dropped it down on the floor, "There's no hope?"

I couldn't help but shrug, "Who needs hope?" When I glanced back at him he looked so mad. No. I tried to explain, "I got you, don't I? Family. That's a whole lot better than hope." I stood still immediately and for a second I was back in that horrible room, alone with no hope of escape. Hope wasn't even something I'd wanted then. No, what I wanted was my family. What I wanted was a fellow human, someone to help. I wanted to not be alone anymore. I wanted to not have to go through everything alone. A tremor ran through my body, and a now commonplace sting came to my eyes, "I'm sorry. I just, I'm struggling."

"I know." He didn't seem mad anymore. He didn't seem ashamed either. He seemed confused, and I was right there with him. This was uncharted territory. This was the untouched jungle. We were completely lost. We didn't know how to navigate through. I don't know why, but I instantly thought of Mitch. He'd gone through tough times of his own. He told me how hard it was when he was trying to get through it, and the struggle. The one thing that helped him was talking about it honestly. Honesty. Maybe that was what I needed to do now?

"I can be honest with you, right?" I looked over to him and waited for a response.

"Sure," his voice was back to normal for a second, "You know that, Annie."

Just be truthful, Annie. That's all you can do. It will help. "I can't do this on my own," my voice was the strongest it had been all day, "Not this time."

"But you're the toughest person I know."

"Not anymore," I sat on the desk and peered out the window, towards the road, "Now it's your turn."

"Why?"

I didn't look back to him, "Beth told you what it meant?"

"Yeah," I could tell he was uncomfortable. This was going to be uncomfortable for a while. That's just how it will have to be. Eventually, maybe, things will get better. But for now we'd just have to get through this.

I continued, "I was so sure I was going to die." I sighed, "That sort of thing changes you, even if I didn't want it to, even if he said I'd be put back together."

"Even if who said?"

Just tell the truth, "Death." His face showed absolute confusion. I knew he wouldn't understand. Not yet. "I talk to Death sometimes," I tried to explain, "In that room he came to see me, help me. It was probably just a hallucination, but he seemed so real."

"What did he say?"

I looked to him then, the smallest of smiles on my face, "He said time would pass and I'd get to be me again." I looked back down to the fence line, "He also said this virus changed everything but him and me."

I was surprised when he had come to stand by me, "What does that mean?"

I shrugged my shoulders heavily, "He tried to explain it, but I have no clue." He seemed to be trying to figure it out on his own. "I just know that I'm," I tried to be as positive as possible for him, "For now I'm broken."

"You weren't gone that long," he took a seat beside me on the large desk.

"It feels like a lifetime, buddy," I bopped him on his sheriff's hat, "I still love you though, just the same."

His tone got serious once more; "That Governor guy did this to you?" I nodded. "You know where he is, we should go after him," he held up his gun, "Kill him today."

"No," I put my hand over his gun, lowering it back down.

"What are you saying? He needs to pay for what he did."

"He will," my voice was cold, "We'll burn the whole town down, they'll all get what's coming to them, but not yet." I jangled the crutches that were laying beside me, "Can't go after him with these, now can I?"

"Then I can just do it," he pleaded.

"I know you can," I put my arm around his shoulders and gave a squeeze, "But I need you to stick with me for a bit. I don't think I can lose someone else, especially not you." He pulled his binoculars up and started to inspect the fence line. I was glad he was with me. It was nice to not be alone anymore. The only thing that was really eating at me, besides being the void personified, was that no one seemed to want to talk to me now. Did I do something wrong when I got back? Did they blame me for everything that happened? I raised an eyebrow, "You know why everyone's been avoiding me?"

"We thought you'd want to be alone."

I shook my head, "Not this time."

"I'll let everyone know."

"No, it's fine. You're with me, right?" I saw the brim of the hat move in a nod, "That's enough for now."

We sat in silence for a long time, hoping to see nothing while at the same time I know we both wanted to see Daryl coming down that road. The group was stronger with him around. We needed him now, with the looming threat of Woodbury. We needed him now more than ever. And I needed him, too. Carl looked towards the door suddenly, and I grabbed my pistol and snapped my head that direction as well, "How are you two doing?" I relaxed; it was just Rick.

"All clear so far, Dad."

He looked over to me, "How are you holding up?"

"Barely," I patted Carl on his back, "But he's helping."

Rick came to sit in one of the uncomfortable chairs Carl and I had abandoned earlier in our watch. "What happened to you… I just don't know what to say," he leaned his elbows on his knees, "I don't know how to make this better for you."

"Neither do I," I forced my voice to lighten, "Thanks for getting to us in time."

"We didn't," he shuddered slightly.

"You did," I scooted off of the desk and hopped a few times before I got control of my crutches, "We are all still alive."

"But–"

I interrupted him in a near-shout, making sure to get through to him, "What happened in Woodbury was nobody's fault but the Governor's." I winked at Carl, "And he'll be dead soon enough."

Noooooo! Damn Dixons should have stuck with the group (Am I right or am I right?) Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for reading! Be sure to review so I keep motivated!

( I will be trying to keep as close to the show's storyline/timeline as possible, but bear with me if you'd please. I'll do my best, but it gets a bit tricky. You know what would help? Feedback and input! Just saying. )

Question Corner: With Daryl ditching the group for his brother, what do you think Annie will do now? (Go completely Rick-Level insane? That would be funny, two unhinged leaders rampaging around the prison.) Tyrese's group has yet to be fully addressed by Annie, what do you think she'll have to say to them? How about the new brother/sister assassination plot? At least she got a damn hug this time around. :)

Can't wait to hear your thoughts! I love hearing what you all have to say!