Pandora/Linchpin

"Hey." Kate looked up, smiled as Castle approached, dressed down into a t-shirt and sweatpants now.

"Hey."

"Whatcha doing?"

She lifted her right hand, held up the journal. They'd left it on the end table in the living room the other night, hadn't had a chance to read from it in a few days. But it'd caught her eye as she wandered across to the sofa with a glass of water.

"Reading?"

She shook her head, began tracing her finger up and down the spiral binding. "No just... thinking."

"Good thoughts, bad thoughts?" he pressed.

Kate shrugged. "Just trying to remember why it was out here and then I started thinking about the letters and us and... life?" she offered meekly.

Castle stepped up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, hands coming to rest on her stomach. "Our past life, our future life?"

She turned her head, nose brushing his cheek. "Are you practicing your interrogation skills?"

"Yes, I've decided the next time a suspect is lying to us I'll wrap my arms around them and nuzzle them into talking," he said sarcastically, tracing the shell of her ear with the tip of his nose as he spoke.

"Right."

He smiled, squeezed her tighter.

"I was just wondering," he answered, seriously this time, fingers finding the sparkling band on her finger. "Because you know, we do have a wedding to plan and I thought maybe that was what..." he trailed off, "never mind."

Kate set aside her glass and the journal, turned in his arms. "I was just thinking about how far we've come," she murmured, omitting the part where her daydream was also melding with snippets of a beautiful future. A future that, at times, still seemed so surreal.

"Mmmm."

She leaned into him, rested her head against his shoulder as her arms rose to wrap around his neck. "Yeah."

"Well then, would you care to read the next page of our story?" Castle asked after a moment.

Kate lifted her head, nodded. "Sure."

He nudged her backwards towards the sofa, rearranging the pillows while she reached for the notebook, flipped to the next page.

Dear Kate,

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything seems like a horribly warped dream. Where do I start when everything I thought I knew turned out to be a lie? Not everything; obviously that's an exaggeration. But enough of my world has been twisted on its axis to the point that I'm not sure which way is up anymore. I should have convinced you to come home with me tonight, or at least to go out for a drink. Something, anything, so you were still here. I didn't feel quite so lost when I was with you.

I used to feel that way with Sophia, you know? She was so knowledgeable and straight forward and I... wasn't. She just commanded your attention, the same way she did these last few days. On the days I felt like I didn't know my way, especially with writing, she made everything seem clearer, more neatly laid out before me.

Now, to find out that any and all of it could be a lie. As I told you, not all of Clara was based on her. In the end, she'd become more, different, had taken on a character of her own. But to know that what I originally based her on was a huge deception? It makes me question a lot of things. Including how I never caught on before now, and how I could have been so blind, fooled so easily.

Then there's the part about my father potentially being in the CIA. I'm still so in shock over everything that I'm not even sure what to think. I haven't given it much thought, and I'm not sure I can give her words much credence anyway. It's not as though she was an honest person. Knowing that she essentially played people for a living; who's to say that's not what she was doing to me, too? Toying with me one last time before she killed me. I just don't even know what to say anymore, who to trust, who to turn to.

I'm not saying I don't still trust you and believe in you, Kate, because I do. But it does make it hard not to be wary now that I know the truth about Sophia, now that I know she was probably just playing me the whole time. I know that's something you would never do. But… can I ever really know that about anyone anymore?

I tried to tell you this before, but with everything else that was going on the circumstances weren't ideal for us to actually sit down and have a conversation. But I need you to understand, Kate. It wasn't the same with Sophia and me. Not even close. I met her not long after Meredith and I divorced and I was young and rich and heartbroken and just kind of flailing through my life. She was strong and authoritative and a wealth of information and, because of that, she always held some kind of power over me. I'm not proud of what happened, not then, and certainly not now. But it happened nonetheless.

My point is, she wasn't you. Not even close. Yes, I was attracted to her. Yes, I slept with her. Yes, I was in awe of her. But no, I never loved her.

With her and me, it was physical. I shadowed her, of course, but she never opened up to me. She wasn't interested in that kind of relationship, and now I understand exactly why. There was little to no emotion involved; for me, at that time, it was exactly what I thought I wanted.

I know better now. I know there is more to a relationship than sex, that there is more to a friendship than just working together day after day. There's the trust, the respect, the connection. The love. I never had that with her. Only with you.

I don't want to let what she did, the way she betrayed me, interfere with what you and I have. It's not easy when someone you once thought you knew turns out to be someone you never imagined they could be. But I'm going to try, Kate, because I don't want us to have the same ending she and I did.

Hell, if we can survive a plunge into the Hudson, we can make it through this.

(By the way, I'm really glad you're okay. That both of us are okay. Of all the near-death situations we've faced together, I think this one might have scared me the most.)

I love you.

Rick

Castle shook his head, ran a hand over his face. "I still can't believe she did that."

"People can be horrible."

"I know," he agreed. "You and I see plenty of that on a daily basis. But still – when it's someone you knew – or, well, thought you knew..."

"Yeah," Kate murmured, thinking back to Montgomery and Royce, to the way things ended in both situations. "I know the feeling."

Silence fell for a moment, both of them lost in their thoughts. Finally, Kate spoke again.

"Did I ever tell you she tried to talk me out of my feelings for you?"

Castle's head snapped up. "What? No, you didn't."

She sighed, shook her head, ashamed of the fact that she'd allowed Sophia to mess with her. "Told me she wished she'd never slept with you, because after she did the tension was gone and you guys were left with nothing. I almost believed her, too. She planted that seed of doubt, you know?"

"She wasn't exactly wrong," Castle offered.

"But she told so many lies," Kate pointed out. "Whether that one was true or not, I don't think that, deep down, I ever believed her. There was no way I could feel the way I did about you and have that fizzle out. No way."

He smiled at that, reached out to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Never."

Kate set the journal back on the table, leaned her temple against his as she thought back to the trajectory of her feelings, the ways in which both she and Castle had changed, not only since that day, but since the very first entry in the notebook. The ways they'd changed each other, grown together. The way they'd built such a strong connection of mutual trust and respect and love.

How far they'd come indeed.

Thoughts?