Days turn to cold nights and before Ali can think months have passed without them even having the courtesy to say hello or goodbye. She thinks maybe if she could have hit pause and maybe even rewind just a bit to try and understands it all she would have. But that "maybe" isn't' tangible and so it's pointless to try to put into words the actions in the times that have come and gone.

But the passing is filled with cameras flashing, Her name constantly being said before the weather report and after the traffic alerts. Under breathe chit chat that she is not meant to notice but rarely remains hidden from her conscious. Her vision blurred by every emotion under the sun excitement, fear, apprehension, hope. The mirror begins to recognize her finally, her nails no longer short and void of light polished color, her hair freshly blown out in that oh so prefect Alison Dilaurentis way where every hair is trained and knows its place and falls in line.

Things have changed in a way that makes them exactly the same. She is still an outsider no longer watching from a far, but removed from the connection the group shares. Alison still finds herself talking on the phone in a lower murmur, still checking over her right shoulder every couple of cautious steps, and lying even when it didn't matter to do so.

Lying was Alison's light in a dark room. It was her air it was everything she breathed in. The one thing that kept her alive. Lying wasn't a means of survival, it wasn't a way of life, it was her life. It was apart of her, apart of who she was.

Before this whole "A" ordeal Ali thinks being a liar is what made her so mysterious sexy even. Now she knows it's what makes people think twice before walking in a rooms she's in, it's the same thing that ends up making everything she touches surely die.

Spencer and her fight constantly, it not a power struggle but in a way it's more a struggle for power. Fighting for a sense of being wanted or needed is something Ali seeks and Spencer is clear they existed on their own minus her. They have survived life post Alison Dilaurentis. That even if the four of them wanted her around she wasn't needed. It was something she had come to terms with she needed them when they were fine to fend for themselves. Ali wants to be needed not just wanted.

She never thought she would learn that she could be neither wanted nor needed but that all changed. All it takes is a kiss. All it takes is the look in Emily's eyes filled with nothing but real honest, brutal love. All it takes for that sweet smile that graces Emily's gentle face for Alison to learn the truth. All it takes is Alison seeing it wasn't her who kissed away Emily's tears, it wasn't her who Emily's pupils engorged with hope. It wasn't her who made her face light up. It was... her.

She had heard that Paige and Emily were indeed in a relationship during her disappearing act of sorts. If Alison was being completely honest... It was a cut and dry answer on if she liked Paige... No. she didn't. That would never change, and she would never apologize for it.

Something was always off about Paige Mccullers, she doesn't know it is was the ways her eyes always seemed to be on Emily for too long or the way her stare drove a chill right to her core. She thinks about the time She told Aria "I only kill when we're hungry... Or I'm bored." She thinks she must have been bored and a bit out of her mind. She respects Paige's hatred for her, and is more than willing to apologize for her vindictive behavior as long as Paige knows that the root of is Ali's distaste and distrust for Paige which is very much still alive much like her.

Sure Emily and her share their same chemistry filled moments riddled with longing in the nature it always has. Whether it's a smile doing homework that lasts for a second longer than most, or the way her hand wandering seemingly on it's own and finds Emily's.

It's always their hanging between them, that feelings of the unknown, the what's next. Ali isn't so sure what draws her to Emily. She just is. She thinks it the accumulation of everything that makes Emily... Well Emily. It how she can cry and Emily knows Ali doesn't want to talk, she just wants her to be close, it's the way Ali is scared and Emily calms her nerves with a look across the crowed room that says "you can do this." But most of all it's the fact Ali can trust her... oh and maybe a little tiny bit is that Emily brings her favorite strawberry ice cream when she comes over after her night shifts from the brew.

Yeah Alison and Emily are there but things have changed she wouldn't say they are distant just if she had to put a word to it lacking? Lacking in the way that she's a think state of grey, unclear, uncut. When Alison world is filled upside down she can't held but think about how in the second grade her teacher had shown her how by spinning a water bottle you could make a water tornado. That's exactly what it had felt like her mind spinning in a whirling circle, every emotion revolving around it. But now the water in the bottle is beginning to settle. She doesn't want to believe it but when She looks at Emily she isn't sure if she sees attraction or comfort, if she has real feelings for the brunette or if in the heat of the moment her heart was desperately clinging to straws.

It had killed her to think after all this time, it could have just been her way and dragging Emily along on her horrible ride. She wants to rip her heart out and give it to Emily on a gold platter at her feet and the last thing she wants is string her along any longer and break Emily's heart in two. Ali knows Emily is her soul mate. Emily has the key to fit her locked heart, and she has Emily's. She knows that already. But is a soul mate and the love of your life the same person? Ali isn't so sure. She isn't even sure she even believes in love.

So when she helps herself to gently peeling the gap in Emily's door back to reveal Paige and her kissing like they are the only two people left on earth, she laughs to herself. She actual laughs. Because she learns Emily doesn't need her and in the end Emily shouldn't want her.

So when Emily sits next to her in the library during study hall she smiles like she does if was anyone else but Emily. It's fake and plastic but it's better than verbally lying she thinks to herself.. Emily gives her a tiny wave and a bright smile, the one she once thought was just meant for her but now she knows better.

"Hey, Ali." Emily says in her same sweet high energy manner she's always had. "Hey." Ali says in a low gently voice.

"Hey are you going to Hanna's tonight? she wants to binge watch the foodie's show, I guess tonight is the one where the lady drinks nail polish." Emily says with her face twisted in disgust. "I don't think so." Ali says honestly.

"Oh, okay." Emily says a bit taken back but is quick to recover "Why can't you come?" Emily asks further investigating. " I really don't know what you guys see in that show, plus I have a lot on my mind and I just want to be alone for awhile." Ali says not taking her eyes off her math textbook.

"Hey Em?" Ali says to Emily. "Yeah?" Ali bites her lower lip and her eyebrows squint in thought "Do you think someone can love two people at once?" Ali asks quietly.

"No. I don't think so at least. I mean you have to choose evidently right?" Emily says herself now lost in deep thought. "Don't ask me."Ali says her eyes finally meeting Emily's gaze.

"Why did you even ask anyways?" Emily questioned. "Oh nothing, it's just this dumb book we're reading in English." Ali says trying to regain composure.

"Oh. Well let me know if you change your mind about Hanna's." Emily says smiling vibrantly at Ali. "Of course." Ali says smiling back.

Alison had gotten her answer. Emily couldn't love two people at once which means one of two things. Neither of which were good. Emily was either in love with herself and she risked the fact she may never truly be able to love Emily the way Emily loves her. Or Emily loves Paige and maybe Emily was the love of her life after all this time.

Alison doesn't even know if she being love with Emily is even a possibly. But one bottle of red wine later Alison is texting four simple words..." She is not me." She's drunk and she's not even sure what she means, or why she wrote it... But when less than a minute later she Emily's name pops up on her screen and the text reads "And you aren't mine." That when Ali knew Emily knew her better than herself that, Emily had been putting the pieces together all along.

That night Alison cries herself to slept, she wants to will herself to be in love with Emily. She wants to carve Emily's name into her heart with her own bare hands. But she can't...

See Alison had always thought it was romantic to think a name was always on one's heart, the one it truly belonged to in the end. She questioned how it emblazoned the appendage. She thought maybe it was stamped neatly on, but with passing the thick ink would turn transient in it's weak stance and so in which would the closeness in the name which is established upon said organ.

Then she thought possibly it was stitched by even more painful stitch each one leaving more of an painful memory to have to relived over and over again without choice without decision but not without conviction. But pain was temporary and stitches could be undone no matter how heart wrenching it maybe... Inevitable, unavoidable destiny couldn't be challenged and the pain it leaves in it's wake is unattainable, unlike that of the neatly conceivable stomach curling throbs of broken flesh.

At last Alison had harbored in the way a name was left on one's heart... It was carved there leaving a scar to forever remain. Yes, that was the answer she had longed for. The scar tells the tale of a forever desired or not. The scar can't be undone and it will not fade in likeness with time. It was constant.

Carved and everlastingly scarred with markings from that of love's most truest forms, Alison thinks it could almost be beautiful in nature if had actually been true that is. Alison wonders about a world where her lies were the truth... Maybe it's better than this... Maybe not.