Undead Again

After a moment and a silent exchange of smiles and loaded gazes, Kate slid her eyes away from his, back down to the journal nestled between them on the bed. She slowly scanned the pages, noting that the dates on both were fairly close together. And from the first sentence of each entry, she could tell that these were a continuation of this painful segment of their history.

But from the date on the second letter, the very day she showed up at his doorstep, beaten and bruised and rain-soaked and apologetic... that meant they'd almost made it through. Kate had to admit, she was looking forward to seeing how his letters changed after they'd gotten together.

She forced herself to lift her eyes from the page and back to Castle's. He was gazing at her with a hint of apprehension and she reached out to cover his hand with her own on the bed.

"You doing okay?" she asked with concern.

He nodded, faintly at first but growing in conviction as he drew strength from her. "Yeah, yeah, fine."

"Okay," she murmured, not quite convinced but willing to allow it because she trusted him to talk it out when he was ready.

Instead of talking, though, Castle leaned in, seeking out her lips, and Kate wriggled from beneath his limbs, worked her body into a more seated position to meld their mouths together more firmly, deepening the kiss.

She wasn't after that, and she could tell that he wasn't either. Not right now at least, because they were still set on making it through these letters tonight. But she could tell he craved the physical affirmation of her words and she was more than willing to oblige.

Castle pressed himself up as well, curling his legs beneath him and taking the weight off his arms, freeing one hand to twist into her hair. Kate willingly followed the gentle pressure of his fingers on her scalp, body pliable and giving as they shared kiss after kiss, sweet and chaste yet deep and demanding all at the same time.

Only with Castle could a kiss ever hold so many emotions.

At long last they began to separate, touches becoming lighter and less urgent.

"Better?" Kate whispered against his lips.

He nodded, forehead lightly knocking against hers. "Much."

She smiled, stole one last kiss from his similarly upturned lips. "Good."

They separated fully then, adjusting their positions so they were seated half-facing each other, half-next to each other, legs curled in the middle and feet still under the covers. Kate picked up the journal, situated it on her lap at an angle they could both see.

Their eyes met and Castle offered a slight nod, the confirmation she sought, before both allowed their eyes to fall to the page.

Dear Kate,

I think I owe you an apology. Actually, I think we owe each other apologies, but as I can't force you to do anything I'll start with mine.

I know if I try to justify my recent actions to you, that doesn't count as an apology. It would just be me attempting to convince myself that the way I've behaved was acceptable, and that's not my intention. However, I'm going to spend a minute justifying myself anyway, because I need to get this out and I think that you need to know my side of the situation. I know it won't excuse my actions, but as someone who craves the story, I firmly believe that a full explanation can offer some form of closure.

So, well, here goes.

I can tell you've been upset at me for a lot of things recently. You were annoyed with me for showing up with Jacinda, for bringing her around the precinct and the crime scene. For hanging out with Slaughter. But what else was I supposed to do? I thought you didn't want me. I thought that, in your mind, we were just partners and nothing more. It's what I thought you wanted, so that's what I gave you. It killed me to step back because I thought we were it, Kate. I've thought that for months now. I know you're the one. I was so disillusioned about love until I met you, fell in love with you. You're the one who made me believe again.

But what happens when the one person who made you believe is the one person you lose?

That's how I felt when I heard your confession, because in that moment I felt everything I thought I knew crumble beneath me and I was left with nothing to hold onto, nothing to believe in. That was where she came in. She wasn't you. She never could have been. No one will ever measure up to you. You're irreplaceable. What you and I have is irreplaceable.

But that's precisely the problem. Something so irreplaceable... I didn't even know how to begin moving on from it. I don't think there's a way, but I promised I'd try. It wasn't fair to myself to endure heartbreak day after day because I was so desperately in love with someone who would never return my feelings.

So I flew to Vegas, had a whirlwind weekend of fun in an attempt to forget. I met Jacinda, and she was everything you weren't and I thought maybe if I had someone who didn't remind me of you, I'd be able to start moving on.

Except the joke was on me because everything reminded me of you. When she kissed me, all I could think about was how her lips weren't soft enough, the sounds she made in the back of her throat weren't sexy enough. Her smile wasn't as beautiful and her eyes weren't as expressive. The conversations I had with her weren't nearly as deep or meaningful. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

She wasn't you.

"I, uh..." Kate interrupted hesitantly, raising timid eyes to Castle's. "I don't want to ask, but I have to because not knowing has always bothered me."

"Okay," he prompted.

"Did you sleep with her?" she questioned, words falling out in a rush, and her fear of his answer was written clearly in her eyes.

Oh.

Castle deflated, dropped his gaze, and that was really the only answer Kate needed.

She nodded to herself, let her eyes fall to the page as her index finger traced the outline of the woman's name inked on the page. "I'm guessing that's a yes."

He released a long, slow breath, raised both hands to his face as though wiping away the shame and regret. It was a tense moment before he lifted his head again to seek out her gaze. The look in her eyes now was different and difficult to pinpoint; betrayal laced with pain and yet a hint of understanding because while he was certainly guilty of making a string of bad decisions based on a faulty assumption, Kate had long since accepted that she wasn't innocent in all of this either.

"I wish I could say no," Castle answered slowly, resolutely. "It's always made me feel like I cheated on you somehow. We uh... sort of. And I've hated myself for it ever since."

"Sort of?"

"We made it to her bed," he stammered, remembering with a stab of regret the tangled mess of clothes and sheets and almost naked bodies that ended in an awkward and uncomfortable disaster of a conversation. "But we didn't actually... you know..."

"Oh."

Castle swallowed hard. "Yeah."

Kate closed her eyes, forced back the onslaught of feelings and images. She'd always suspected there'd been more than just lunch dates, and though she'd always assumed nothing happened for her own peace of mind, it wasn't difficult to believe an alternative scenario to be true. He was heartbroken and Jacinda was an attractive woman. If that was his coping mechanism, if that was what it had taken to help him through this difficult time, then she couldn't hold that against him.

Likewise, Kate had always debated whether it would be better to know the truth or to never know for sure, and while her mother had always said the truth never hurt anyone, the pain in Kate's chest said otherwise. But it was out there now, and she was the one who'd asked.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, resting a hand on her knee, thumb tracing patterns over her bare skin. "I was hurting and it was the only thing I could think to do. I know that doesn't make it right but..."

"Castle," she interrupted quietly, solemnly, forcing her voice to remain steady. "It's okay."

"It's not," he protested, "because I can tell you're not okay right now."

"But you weren't okay then," she pressed, and suddenly he wasn't sure who was trying to defend whom here.

"No, but..."

"And if I'd been honest with you in the first place, none of this would've happened."

"Kate," he said firmly, the hand on her knee gripping more tightly. "Please don't blame yourself for this."

"But I lied."

"You did," he agreed. "But that in no way makes you responsible for my decisions. That was all on me, and in retrospect I obviously chose the wrong course of action."

Kate collapsed forward, her forehead coming to rest on Castle's chest. Her hands still clutched the journal in her lap while his free arm rose to cradle her head.

"I shouldn't have asked," she released on a sigh.

"Maybe not," he agreed. "But you're entitled to know the truth."

She shook her head against his chest, the fabric of his shirt bunching up against her hairline. "I know, I just..."

"Yeah..."

Silence fell for an extended moment, both lost in their thoughts; Castle hoping this knowledge wouldn't damage the trust and respect that he and Kate had so carefully built, while Kate struggled to come to grips with this reality. He didn't actually sleep with her, which was better than she'd expected, if she was completely honest with herself. But he wanted to – he almost did – and she couldn't help but feel somewhat betrayed.

After a couple minutes, Castle spoke tentatively. "Does it help to know that was why I stopped seeing her?"

Kate raised her head, hair falling to frame her face, a few strands caught in the tracks of her escaped tears. "What?"

"It was all wrong," Castle admitted. "We were... you don't need the details. But the whole time, all I could think about was that she wasn't you and I couldn't do this to you no matter how angry I was. I told her to stop and I broke it off. It wasn't fair to her or me or you. Maybe that makes me a bad person for trying to use her to get over you, but..."

"I get it," Kate interrupted abruptly. She wasn't excusing his behavior, not by a long shot. But she could see in his eyes that he still firmly believed he'd cheated on her and, more than anything, she wanted that guilt gone.

"You do?" he asked, shocked.

She nodded. "It's not what I'd have done if I was in your place, and it kind of makes me sick to know that you – whatevered – with her," she paused, took a deep breath, "but we weren't dating, Castle, so please stop beating yourself up because you think you cheated on me."

"I promised to wait for you and I didn't." he protested, and the stricken expression on his face broke Kate's heart.

"You didn't think there was anything worth waiting for."

His hand came to cup her jaw, force her gaze to lock with his, deep blue and serious. "I've always thought you were worth waiting for, Kate."

"Castle," she murmured, another tear escaping from the corner of her eye. He thumbed it away, guided her in until their foreheads rested together.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, warm breath playing across her lips.

"I am too," she replied.

"Come on," Castle said after a moment. "Let's finish reading and then we can get some sleep."

She lifted her forehead from his, nodded in agreement. "Okay."

Long story short, I'm sorry for the way I've behaved these last few weeks. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions rather than confronting you. I'm sorry for hurting you and for being an awful partner. I'm sorry for abandoning my promise to always be there for you.

I've made some poor decisions these last few weeks and I sincerely hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

However, I will not apologize for being hurt by your deception. I deserved to know. I understand you were struggling. But as your partner and given our situations, you should have told me the truth a long time ago. Even if it meant asking me to wait until you were ready, you should have told me. You should know by now that I'd wait forever if I had to.

I have no idea what happens now. I know we talked things out in our own subtextual way, but I still don't know exactly where we stand with each other. Are we back to where we were before? Are we closer to the start of something new? The fact that you've been seeing a therapist gives me hope that you're moving forward. That we're moving forward. I was planning to make this my last case with you, but now that we seem to be on better footing I'm scrapping that idea. You said you want me there when your wall comes down, so there is where I'll be, so long as we can forgive each other and work through this mess.

I guess in the meantime, I'll just keep showing up like I've done for the last three years, and hopefully we can work everything out from there.

Despite everything that's happened recently, I still love you, Kate. So much.

Rick

"I..." Castle began stiltedly, completely unsure of what to say.

"This is..."

"Awkward?" he suggested.

"Pretty much," she agreed. "But... apology accepted. I know I've said it before but I'm sorry too, Castle."

"I know," he iterated. "I know you are."

"So," he gestured to the journal with his free hand, "last one and then we can forget all of this ever happened?"

Kate exhaled a breathy laugh. They'd never forget, not completely. But they could certainly send the memories to the back of their minds, along with all the other painful snippets they'd rehashed since the discovery of the journal.

"Sounds good."

You guys probably hate me a little bit right now. Don't worry. I hate myself a little bit too. Feel free to come after me with pitchforks now. Just don't hurt me so badly that I can't write the next chapter.

(And thanks to everyone who tossed around ideas and suggestions with me on Tumblr and Twitter.)