Andy says I should put a kleenex warning here so... consider yourself warned.

Always

After what could only be considered an awkward pause in the conversation, Castle eventually dropped his eyes to the journal that still rested on Kate's knees. Truthfully, there was nothing else to be said about the Jacinda affair. Right now the best they could do was move on and put it out of their minds.

And, well, he knew with absolute certainty that the words on the next page would put it out of their minds. He knew them by heart. Every single one of them.

It may have been more than two years ago now, but he'd never forget the day he wrote what he thought would be his last letter to Kate. His final goodbye. He was seated in his office, dark but for the light of the lamp on his desk. His hand was shaky as he scrawled line after line of his broken heart across the page, purging himself of every thought, every emotion, every feeling, he'd ever had for her.

Writing her out of his life, once and for all.

He'd never spoken of it to anyone, probably never would, but there'd been tears in his eyes the entire time.

The mere recollection was very nearly causing him to tear up again, as much for the lingering heartbreak as for the fear of what reading these paragraphs was going to do to her. He subconsciously tightened his grip on her knee, hoping somehow she'd gain strength from his touch.

Kate automatically reached out to cover his hand with her own before allowing her gaze to fall back to the page as well.

Dear Kate,

I hate myself right now. I hate that I walked away from you, broke my promises to you. I hate that we came so close only to fall apart completely. But I had to take a stand somewhere, and this is it. I won't watch you die. I can't. I already went through that once and I refuse to do so again. I wouldn't survive it either.

All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, and we were getting so close. So close, Kate. I just wanted you to have the life you deserve, free of murder and sadness and walls. I wanted you to be able to smile and laugh and love. I wanted to be able to love you and not have it be a secret.

I love you so much, Kate. So much. I would risk my life for yours in a heartbeat, because up until this afternoon I truly believed I'd spend the rest of my life with you, and even though I'm trying to convince myself otherwise, it will be a long time before I stop believing that. I'd do anything for you. Anything except this. I won't watch you throw your life away.

Even though I was the one who chose to walk away today, to sever our partnership, it will break my heart the day I read your name in the newspaper under the Obituaries section. A part of me will die with you that day, Kate. But I won't stand by and watch it happen.

I love you so much. Please don't ever doubt that. But at some point I have to stop trying to save you and save myself instead. If you're willing to let me be your anchor to dry land, to life and happiness, you know where to find me. But I refuse to be pulled beneath the surface. And frankly, if you cared for me at all you wouldn't want me to be there. And my words this afternoon would have meant something to you.

I've been your partner for more than three years, Kate. Aside from my family, you're the most important person in my life. The time I've spent with you holds some of my most treasured memories. I don't know what else I could have said to make you see that, to make you understand how much you mean to me. I guess I proved this afternoon that there wasn't anything I could have said or done.

It breaks my heart to say this, but this is the last letter I'll ever write to you. I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know what to do with Nikki Heat, or if I'll even be able to finish the book. I don't know how I'm going to move on, how to find happiness again. I don't know if I'll ever find love again, and I'm positive I'll never find what we had. How could I, when so much of my heart is twined with yours? I'm in so deep I'm not sure I'll ever not be in love with you. I just... I feel so lost and empty and I don't even know how to begin moving on.

If by some turn of events you read this letter someday, I want you to know that I'm truly sorry it's come to this. I want you know that I've learned so much from you about what it means to stand up for what you believe in, what it means to have unwavering strength and integrity. I've learned the meaning of teamwork and support and trust. I've learned what it means to make a difference, and I've gained an enormous amount of respect for you and your profession.

I want you to know that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You've changed me, made me a better person. And even though this is the end of this chapter of my life and it's time for me to move on, the footprints you've left on my heart and soul will always be with me, guiding me through whatever lies ahead.

I love you, Kate.

Always.

Her eyes were blurry by the time she reached the end of the page, tears rolling down her cheeks. Not a sound escaped her mouth, but Castle could see it was taking all of her control not to let it overwhelm her completely.

"God, Castle," she choked out after almost a minute, her heart torn in two by the pain evident in his words, by the reality of everything he'd endured.

He felt a few tears prick the edges of his own eyes, silently reached out and wrapped his arms around her. Kate bowed into him easily, unfolding her legs and allowing her body to fall in line with his as he guided them back into the pillows. The journal fell from her hands, freeing them to slide up his chest, wind around his neck and cling to him tightly.

It shouldn't hurt this badly; it really shouldn't. It was over and they'd moved past it, or so she thought. Kate assumed the letter from after the bombing case would be the most difficult one to read, and after the discussion of Jacinda she was positive the worst was over.

Apparently she was mistaken, because his words just now had somehow managed to drive home just how badly she'd hurt him in a way the other journal entries hadn't. The fact that he'd thought it was the last letter he'd ever write to her; the mere consideration of that possibility filled her heart with an emptiness she couldn't describe.

And the stark reality that she very nearly died and this is how she would have left things had Ryan shown up even a split second later... Kate couldn't even begin to fathom how Castle would have felt. He would have spent the rest of his life never knowing how much he meant to her. Never knowing how much she loved him. Knowing in his mind but never having the chance to confirm that together, they could be something so amazing.

"I love you," Kate sobbed into his chest, beyond caring about the flood of tears streaming from her eyes. "I love you so much."

"I know," he placated, soft words in her ear. "I know, Kate."

"I just don't ever want you to doubt that again," she pleaded, and it broke Castle's heart to see how deeply this was hurting her.

"I don't," he assured her, one hand rising to cradle the back of her head, hold her to him. "I won't."

"Okay," she managed, voice muffled by his shirt.

"We're getting married," he reminded her after a moment of silence, guiding her to thoughts of happier times. "We're going to spend the rest of our lives loving each other."

Kate lifted her head from his chest, watery eyes seeking his. "Castle, I..." she trailed off, unsure how to lend voice to her thoughts.

How could she describe how much his words meant to her, the way they affected her so deeply? His letter had reduced her to tears. His words just now brought a smile to her face, despite the fact that her eyes were still red-rimmed and glossy.

"How do you always know what to say?" she asked finally, one hand settling in the curve of his neck and shoulder.

He smiled, leaned into her touch. "Because I know you. And because I love you more than you'll ever know."

Everything else melted away then, the sadness, the heartache, all the lingering emotions that tonight's string of letters had dredged up. She guided him forward, leaned in to press their lips together, apology and gratitude and pure love.

"Thank you," she breathed as they separated ever so slightly, a fraction of an inch between them.

"For what?" he asked, tilting his head back so he could meet her eyes.

"For loving me."

Castle smiled fondly, eyes sparkling with his own sentiment of gratitude.

"Thank you for letting me."

Thoughts?