I apologize for the delay in posting. As some of you know, I've been going through some stuff recently and it was difficult to write anything except pure angst. Thanks to everyone who's been sending me virtual hugs :)

After Hours

"Want to?"

Kate arranged the covers over her shoulders, lifted her eyes to Castle. He was propped on his elbows next to her, journal in his hands, gazing at her expectantly.

To be completely honest, she was exhausted from their early morning wake-up call. But she was also still too wired to sleep. Exhausted or not, she knew there was no way she'd be able to fall asleep right away.

"Sure," she answered after a moment, shifting to mimic his position, leaning her temple gently against his as their eyes fell to the already-opened page.

Maybe taking her mind off of things would help to calm her brain.

Dear Kate,

I'm not sure whether to be disappointed or offended or angry that you were questioning our relationship last night. Maybe I'm all three. Disappointed because I thought we were past that point. Offended because you thought I'd be willing to give up so easily simply because our parents didn't get along. Angry because you were ready to turn your back on everything we had because of one little thing.

God, Kate, you're everything I could ever want and more. You're intelligent and strong and confident and beautiful. You're open and vulnerable and soft and loving and I just... I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough of you. I'm addicted to the way you make me feel, the happiness you bring to my life. I know you're not as vocal about it, but your actions say you feel the same. There's no way something like that is us kidding ourselves. No way.

Can't you see that?

I just don't understand. I know I don't have the best reputation or a good history when it comes to relationships. I know we come from different worlds and there are bound to be issues because of that. But we were partners for four years before we started dating, and it hurts to know that you discounted all of that so easily at the first little hitch.

We're dating; we're going to argue and fight and drive each other crazy at times. But what happens next time? Will you throw away all of our history at the first sign of trouble? Will you give up before we even have a chance to work things out? Or will you just walk away without a backwards glance?

I know people think I'm the secure one in relationships but the truth is I'm not. Not at all. I went through a bad break-up in college and I've been through two divorces. I've never had a lasting relationship. I'm afraid the same thing is going to happen now, that I'll screw this up somehow and it will all fall apart. That terrifies me, because losing you would be like losing a part of myself and I'd never recover from that. Never.

I know we talked in the precinct and I know we spent last night together but I'm still a little upset about everything. A one-minute conversation and two rounds of admittedly hot sex don't solve the whole problem. Pushing it aside isn't going to solve it either. I realize it was a mutual decision not to talk about it any further last night; in terms of being faced with mobsters and almost dying, there were far more life-affirming things to do than finish fighting. But I still think we need to sit down and hash things out because otherwise things like this are just going to keep happening.

So please promise me the next time we fight you won't give up on us so easily. Promise me you'll keep believing in us. This isn't always going to be easy, Kate. There are going to be times where we have to compromise and fight to keep things together. I'm willing to go the distance, because I know what we have and what we stand to lose, and I'm not willing to let this fall apart. But I need to know that you feel that way too, because one person can't hold a relationship together. It has to be a two-way street.

You know where I stand. You know I'm not going anywhere. If I learned anything tonight, it's that life is short and we should make the best of the time we have together. We spent three years dancing around each other. Now that we're together, I'm not willing to waste another minute of it.

I can only hope you feel the same.

I love you, Kate.

Rick

Kate groaned, dropped her head forward against the pillows.

"What?" Castle probed.

She lifted her head again. "I was such an idiot."

He shook his head. "No, not an idiot. We're allowed to have our insecurities."

" I just…I had no idea what I was doing. I never really… most of the fights I'd had were the end of the relationship," she admitted, struggling to find the words to convey her jumbled thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

Kate shrugged, already hating herself for steering the conversation in this direction. "Usually once a fight started I decided it wasn't worth it. I never wanted to work through it."

"Oh," Castle replied, at a loss of what else to say to something like that.

"Yeah."

"Didn't... whoever you were with ever try to fight for it?"

Kate shrugged. "Will did. Josh... sort of did. But anyone else... not really. I guess they thought it wasn't worth it either."

"How could they not?" Castle exclaimed.

"I wasn't exactly a model girlfriend."

"But how could they..." he paused, swallowed hard, unable to wrap his mind around the scenario she was painting with her words. "How could they not be so in love with you that they'd do anything to hold onto you?"

Kate lifted her eyes to his sharply, both surprised at his question and confused as to why he was so adamantly taking her side. "Like you said," she replied, gesturing to the page, "it takes two people to hold a relationship together."

"Yeah, but..."

"And I didn't want to. I didn't deserve their love and I didn't really want it either," she answered rapidly, an attempt to put an end to this conversation as soon as possible.

"You... what?"

"Castle, please just drop it," Kate ordered, the words harsher than she intended.

"No," he insisted, unwilling to not understand. "Not yet, because I'm trying to figure out how you could ever not be deserving of someone's love."

"Because there was no chance of it being reciprocated," she snapped abruptly.

"Oh," Castle stammered, caught off-guard by her frank response. "You didn't love Will? Or... anyone else?"

"Not since Royce," she mumbled, eyes averted, attempting to distance herself from the years spent hiding away with men who never stood a chance of reaching the depths of her heart.

When he didn't offer an answer, Kate slowly lifted her eyes to his, found bright blue staring back at her in surprise.

"I didn't know," he spoke finally, an understated reply.

"I wasn't willing to open myself up to the potential pain," she offered as an explanation, aiming for nonchalance, but he could see what these admissions were costing her. "I didn't want to be in love."

"Thank you," he murmured, leaning in to press his lips to her forehead. She opened her mouth to speak but he answered before she could ask. "For making me your exception."

Thoughts?