It's different writing directly after the ep airs when I have no clue what's coming next. Hopefully this doesn't completely screw me over for the upcoming episodes *crosses fingers*

Significant Others

The journal lay untouched for a full week, seeing the light of day once again only as they spent the morning of January first cleaning the loft after the annual Castle New Year's Eve bash. It wasn't all that messy this year, thankfully, the party much more toned down than usual. But that was fine by all involved, because Castle had grown to enjoy not always being in the limelight and Kate was pretty sure that seventy guests was still quite a large number to have in the loft at one time.

There'd been food and drinks, dancing and karaoke, and she was pretty sure Esposito wasn't going to have much recollection of his off-key renditions of various songs. Probably not a bad thing to forget.

The whole crew from the precinct had been there as well as a smattering of Martha's acting friends and Alexis's closest friends. Castle had invited his poker buddies and of course the mayor and Judge Markaway had received invites as well.

All in all, it was a fantastically fun evening and the way Castle had swooped in to wrap his arms around Kate approximately ten seconds before midnight, counting down to one and then pressing a deeply loving yet sweet kiss to her lips all but affirmed that the coming year promised to be the best yet.

Castle didn't leave her side after that point, spent the rest of the evening with at least one arm around her, stealing as many kisses as socially acceptable while hosting a party. Though, all he truly wanted to do was sneak off to their bedroom and not leave until January second.

When he woke just after eight a.m. to the feeling of Kate's lips on his neck and hands exploring rather low on his abdomen, he began to consider that staying in bed all day and the next night might actually be possible.

Unfortunately, hunger coaxed them out of bed by ten o'clock because apparently, as Kate explained, 'you can't expect me to have three rounds of sex in eight hours and not be starving.'

After groggily making their way to the kitchen, Castle became very aware of the mess scattered about the loft, one that couldn't very well stay there while he and Kate spent all day in bed. He'd seen worse. Far worse, in fact, from his younger days. At least this time nothing was broken and there weren't shattered glass and beer cans and spilled alcohol all over the place.

But bowls of snacks and empty glasses and used plates, silverware, and napkins still adorned most of the flat surfaces in the main rooms. There were dishes all over the kitchen and a rather large collection of empty bottles on the counter. Castle's giant speakers were still out in the living room, and the pillows and cushions on all of the chairs were completely out of whack.

So after a breakfast of toast and hastily whipped-up scrambled eggs, they set about straightening things up. Which eventually led Castle back to their bedroom to retrieve the wine glasses they'd taken with them last night. Kate just so happened to choose that same moment to head to their bedroom in search of pants, which was how she'd wound up standing behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, head resting on his shoulder as he straightened up the nightstand, two empty glasses in one hand, journal in the other as he attempted to blow the dust off of the wooden surface.

"Hey," he murmured, nudging his temple against the top of her head.

"Hey," she replied softly, head still a bit fuzzy with lack of sleep and the lingering effects of the alcohol.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Seeing what you were up to," Kate answered. "And finding more clothes. I'm cold."

"You know," Castle began, a teasing lilt in his voice, "I could think of another way to warm you up." Because the loft was clean enough, and there were more important things than finishing the dishes right at this moment.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" she asked, aiming a raised eyebrow at him as he set aside the glasses, turned to face her.

"Well there's a giant bed right here next to us. And I'm told I'm a comfortable pillow."

"And what exactly do you propose we do in said bed?"

"Round four, really?" he asked, sinking into a seated position on the edge of the bed and reaching one arm out to tug her by the waist, guide her to stand in the vee of his legs.

"Well if you're not up for it..."

Castle flopped onto his back, his grip on Kate's waist tugging her down with him. He wasn't averse to her idea. He just... needed a couple hours.

"You're insatiable, you know that?" he teased.

Kate scoffed. "Oh, and you aren't?"

"Well..."

She snorted, rolled her eyes, because she had proof of exactly how insatiable he could be at times.

"Come on," Castle ceded after a moment, twisted around so they were laying the right direction in their bed, settled the covers over their mostly-bare legs.

"What?" she asked softly, her exhausted body melting into his.

He lifted his left hand, which still held the journal, settled it on the covers atop their legs.

Starting off the new year with his words. Well, technically, they'd started it off with sex. And now his words. How very... appropriate.

Kate smirked to herself at the thought, cuddled up into his warmth as he turned to the bookmark, smoothed down the page.

Dear Kate,

First of all, thank you for not kicking me to the curb for handling this situation with a complete lack of thought or foresight. It clearly wasn't my best decision ever and I didn't handle things well at all. Thank you for not holding that against me too badly. I'll make it up to you, I promise.

But thank you also for not just letting me off the hook. If we're going to do this, really do this, it's only fair for you to call me out on things.

I'm sorry for letting Meredith stay with us. I'm sorry for not handling it better and for not just putting my foot down and saying no right off the bat. The truth is, I was really looking forward to having you stay for a few days. Just the two of us. It would have been like a test run for the future... for the day I finally convince you to move in with me because I know that's where we're headed. I know this is forever. But that's why I can be patient. Because I know that it will happen eventually.

I'd just hoped these few days would have served to prove we could do it. That we could live together and still be in a relationship and not drive each other crazy. Well, not any more so than normal, I guess.

Instead, it proved I'm an ass with two ex-wives who's apparently still not completely immune to Meredith's charms. Obviously I'm no saint, and you know that, but I don't like to go around parading that fact, which is what I feel like ended up happening.

It certainly did nothing in my favor, and I sincerely hope it didn't destroy everything we've built.

The truth is, I'm worried. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but your dinner with Meredith has me panicked. I know, I know, you said that what she said made you 'like me a little more now.' But at the same time, it made me realize how much you don't know about me. Some of it, I think you should know, deserve to know, because we're dating and it's not right of me to hold back. But some of it, I don't necessarily want you to know, because it highlights the sides of me that I'm not particularly proud of. The sides of me that you despised when we first met. Unfortunately, those categories aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

Which is why I'm worried. Mybe she said something to you that got to you or that piqued your curiosity, and maybe you're going to ask me about it soon (granted, it's Meredith, so whatever she said may also be a dramatic exaggeration). It wouldn't be right for me to withhold the answers, not after how far I've dug into your life. If I know your secrets, it's only fair that you know mine. I just hope that when you do find out, it won't change your opinion of me.

If it does, I guess I'll just have to fight that much harder to change it back. I love you, Kate. Even if you're not there yet, I love you. And I will do whatever it takes to convince you that I'm not the same guy I was when I got married. Or divorced. Thanks to you, I'm a better man.

I can only hope you still see that.

Love,

Rick

"I do, Castle," she murmured, almost to herself.

"Huh?"

"I do see that," she reiterated, knowing that he knew better now but still feeling the need to reaffirm it.

"Good," he breathed, holding her tighter.

"We all make mistakes," Kate continued.

"Not all of them are as big as mine were," he pointed out.

"Castle." Kate lifted her head, sought out his eyes. "You learned from them. That's what matters. If I didn't firmly believe that, we wouldn't be here right now."

"I know."

Kate nodded, thankful they'd already had this fight and seemed to have resolved things well enough the first time that it was no longer an issue.

Sure, she'd already grown to hate the media sources that were dubbing her 'soon-to-be wife number three.' And sure, she wasn't particularly fond of the fact that she was in fact going to be wife number three. For the most part, she simply thought of herself as Castle's fiancée. The one who was actually in love with him and would never cheat on him and she knew the feelings were very much reciprocated.

But there was still the occasional moment of weakness where she wished, so badly, that she could be the one and only.

"Kate," Castle called, bringing her back.

"Hmmm?"

"You're thinking really loudly."

She shrugged, shook her head, not really wanting to bring it up. "It's fine."

"It's not," Castle pressed, knowing her well enough to recognize her expression for what it was; insecure but reluctant to admit it. "Talk to me."

She averted her eyes again as she fought to find the right words to convey her point yet not turn this into an argument.

"I guess I just…" she began, trailed off again, "I always thought the person I married would be in the same situation as me. Never been married before, no kids from previous relationships. Things like that. And I know that's not the case with you, I knew when I started dating you, and I accepted that. For the most part it doesn't bother me. But sometimes it just... I start thinking, you know?"

"Is this about the article the other week?"

The one that labeled her as, 'Future wife number three. But the real question is, will there someday be a number four?'

"Maybe a little," she answered with a shrug.

Castle sighed heavily, ran a hand roughly through his hair, over the stubble accumulating on his jaw. He'd never been much of one to live with regrets, but at the moment he was very seriously regretting the haphazard and poorly thought out decisions of his younger self. He turned to face her, to meet her eyes as he answered.

"I'm sorry," he answered softly, not knowing where else to start. "I'm so sorry I can't be that person for you, because I desperately want to be. But I can't change the past. I can promise you, though, that this time is different. We're forever, Kate."

She nodded slowly, still wrapped up in thought, in her insecurities. She believed him. But now that the conversation was under way, now that she'd given voice to these fears, the nagging insecurities were creeping in despite her best efforts to suppress them.

Maybe they hadn't resolved everything as well as she thought. Or maybe she was just being irrational. Either way, now that this had begun she needed answers.

"But you thought that before too, right?" she hedged, cursing Meredith's words because it may have been three years ago but those few words were obviously still festering in the depths of her subconscious despite the fact that their source was a flighty, unfaithful actress whose words she probably shouldn't be placing so much stock in.

"With Meredith, I was too young and too panicked to think it through beyond the fact that she was pregnant and our child should be raised in a proper family," Castle answered truthfully. "With Gina, I figured that since she wasn't like Meredith, we'd make it last. But with you," he reached out, took her hands in his, fingers softly stroking the contours of her engagement band, "I know. I've thought it through. I've learned. We're not engaged because you're young and pregnant or because you're the opposite of my ex. We're engaged because you're remarkable and kind and strong and intelligent, and because I love who I am when I'm with you. That's something I haven't been able to say in a very long time."

By the time he finished his mini speech, Kate's eyes were focused on their joined hands, staunchly avoiding his gaze. She was ashamed for doubting him, for the fact that any small part of her still doubted him after the countless ways he'd proven his love over the last few years. And she could feel the tears prickling the corners of her eyes, tears of frustration at herself for the fact that this conversation was even necessary.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, shaking her head at herself. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. I just... you can't change the past, I know. I just have to make peace with it."

"I wish I could," Castle spoke as she paused to take a breath. "I wish with all my heart that when I marry you, I'd be able to say you're the only person I've ever promised to love forever. I wish I'd had the patience to wait until the right person came along instead of screwing it up twice. But as much as I wish that could be the case, I can never regret Alexis or all the valuable lessons I learned along the way."

"I know," Kate assured him, lifting watery eyes to his.

"Granted, I'm sure there were better ways I could have learned said lessons," he offered with a grimace, an attempt to dispel some of the tension.

It had somewhat of the desired effect, as Kate released a brief chuckle before becoming serious once more.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she said once again, "for doubting you. I should know better by now."

"We're all entitled to our insecurities," he pointed out. "I spent the better part of our first year together afraid I'd screw things up and you'd leave me. I was terrified, Kate. I didn't... I guess I didn't completely trust you. Or myself. I've had my doubts, too."

She felt a stab of pain at his words, at hearing his thoughts, and yet at the same time it was oddly comforting to know that she wasn't alone in her struggles.

"But not anymore," Castle continued, tone firm and secure, completely confident. "No more doubts."

Kate made a silent promise to herself to permanently shut down those thoughts and any others that may try to make themselves known in the future. She loved him. She was going to marry him, ex-wives or not. He was different now, and she knew that. Believed that.

When she spoke again, she hoped he could hear in her voice how fiercely she believed in him, in them, in their future.

"No more doubts, Castle."

Thoughts?